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Why won't he....


Abc90

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Just tell me to move on and that he doesn't want to be friends. I have asked him to be very direct and honest with me but still no response. I sent him this text:

 

"I pursued you because i had thought I had ruined things with my crazy circumstances. A simple, "no i dont want to be friends, move on,"will stop All communication. I'll say ok, and won't argue. Ur silence says a lot but I always assume, u say not to. please b direct and honest here, its what i had respected in you. don't leave me in limbo like the last 2 months wit silence.If ur annoyed, or think I'm so weird, a no Is all i need. Its perfectly fine and no more texts from me. Yes or no?"

 

No response. I know people say come up with your own answer blah blah blah...I get that and I'm telling myself its a no and I will move on. At the same time, why would a guy do this? Is this normal? Isn't it common sense to just say no? That way he KNOWS there wont be any more contact from me, especially if he finds it annoying.

 

It just doesn't make any sense to me. It hurts my heart that people can't directly communicate with one another like this...is it just me?

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Because that way he can have you as a back-up in case he does not get another girl in bed after a few tries. He will lock his opportunity to get some with you, if he says no. So by not answering he can always come up with an excuse in case other girls starts boring him

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I went through the same thing actually. I was very close to a guy but not together with him. Unfortunately I messed things up with him and chose another guy over him. I still wanted to be friends with him and made effort to for about a year. He'd be all "yeah sure let's meet up soon" but it happened about once and it got to the point where he just wouldn't reply. I got upset and annoyed because he emphasized so much when we were close how he would be friends with me even if we ended because he's not like all those other people and hates people who don't do that hahaha hypocrite but yeah I sent him a huge message saying how I felt and would wait for a reply but he never did so I gave up on him even though it really pained me to.

The only thing you can do is tell yourself if he were interested he would reply and accept that he isn't and move on so you can find someone one day who actually gives a damn.

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He was as direct as he could possibly be (based on your other threads). You just choose not to listen and move on.

 

That's the thing though...there is nothing to listen to. He is silent he will not say anything about us, he will not say anything about me not contacting him again, he will not tell me to leave him alone, he will not tell me to move on. A simple answer from him ends everything. This has happened with us before when he has stayed silent like this.

 

If he resented me so much he would block me, tell me to leave him alone. I can see when he reads my messages, but silence. It's so incredibly strange to me.

 

It takes one minute to text, I don't think we should be friends, and we should move on. That is clarity, that is honesty, and that is being direct.

 

Is that really to much to ask?

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Because that way he can have you as a back-up in case he does not get another girl in bed after a few tries. He will lock his opportunity to get some with you, if he says no. So by not answering he can always come up with an excuse in case other girls starts boring him

 

I can't believe guys do this, it's really messed up. In my opinion I feel it is worse and more unforgivable for a guy to blatantly ignore you than to just end it.

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He has probably done what we would all advise him to do and that would be to block and delete you from getting through to him. He's very likely not received any of your manipulative texting or emailing. I have a feelings he's told you more then once that he doesn't want to be your friend (or more) either in actual words or (as per your opener) in actions. Actions are where a persons TRUTH lay. He's given you the answer so now it's up to you to...

 

Just stop torturing yourself, luv and move on. Its the self-respecting thing to do.

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The thing is some people just are not comfortable with direct communication or openly ending things. They may be classic conflict avoiders who will go to ridiculous lengths to avoid fights or even their perception or fear that there is going to be a fight, they may not believe you when you say you'll leave them alone if they just respond one last time, they may also just be someone who thinks, "I've said it once, I'm not repeating myself, get a clue already." Or any one of a billion other reasons why someone chooses not to tell you openly to go away.

 

But one thing you do need to understand is this: if they don't respond to several communications from you then they do not want to communicate with you. End of story. It actually isn't any simpler than that.

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He has probably done what we would all advise him to do and that would be to block and delete you from getting through to him. He's very likely not received any of your manipulative texting or emailing. I have a feelings he's told you more then once that he doesn't want to be your friend (or more) either in actual words or (as per your opener) in actions. Actions are where a persons TRUTH lay. He's given you the answer so now it's up to you to...

 

Just stop torturing yourself, luv and move on. Its the self-respecting thing to do.

 

No he has never told me that he didn't want to be friends, or to leave him alone. We got in a huge argument/fight because of some things I was going through. He said it was my fault things were ending and that he was done. After a few weeks I had apologized to him. It took 2 months for him to accept my apology. Last week He said we were good...he never had thought ill of me. I asked if we could be friends or if he wanted me to move on. No response

 

Lastly, we have argued before. Sometimes he apologized and came back. Sometimes I apologized and came back. When that happened he told me exactly what he said this time. I was just seeking clarity on what he meant. Is that crazy of me?

 

I am taking his silence for a no. I get that, have internalized that and it is ok with me. Still, I can't understand why him saying a direct no is so crazy, especially when we've been here before and he still wanted to continue things. That's all.

 

All I'm asking is why people choose to handle things in this way. regardless of me or what happened, his actions (ignoring/avoidance) are not direct. I'm just asking as a learning experience I guess...and just trying to understand men.

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The thing is some people just are not comfortable with direct communication or openly ending things. They may be classic conflict avoiders who will go to ridiculous lengths to avoid fights or even their perception or fear that there is going to be a fight, they may not believe you when you say you'll leave them alone if they just respond one last time, they may also just be someone who thinks, "I've said it once, I'm not repeating myself, get a clue already." Or any one of a billion other reasons why someone chooses not to tell you openly to go away.

 

But one thing you do need to understand is this: if they don't respond to several communications from you then they do not want to communicate with you. End of story. It actually isn't any simpler than that.

 

This was what I was looking for! Thank you for this!! I have a very limited experience with dating...and I am still learning. I never knew people were like this, and it was shocking to me as I am a very direct and honest person.

 

I think I am the problem and it us my fault. I ask for direct clarity and I need to be comfortable knowing not everyone will give that and silence/ignoring is common place in dating. I just had to find that out myself

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No he has never told me that he didn't want to be friends,
Yes he has.. he said it when he said this to you:
he was done.

 

Lastly, we have argued before.
You dont' sound like you make good friends to begin with so I'm not sure why you are finding it hard to move on and just let this go. You're better off without one another in each others lives. To think differently is you listening to your ego rather then your common sense.

 

I was just seeking clarity on what he meant. Is that crazy of me?
Not crazy, but rather with blinders on. The answer is right there in front of you and when you have good self-worth, then you would immediately distance yourself from someone whom you argue with often and who has shown you in actions that they don't want to continue having you in their lives. It's just common sense to me so forgive me if I am not so sympathetic to your need to keep on trying to be in this man's life.

 

I am taking his silence for a no. I get that, have internalized that and it is ok with me.
If you really meant that, if you had the self-worth to accept that very thing you are saying is "okay with you" then you would really understand and have no need to say/think this:
Still, I can't understand why him saying a direct no is so crazy, especially when we've been here before and he still wanted to continue things.
.

 

I'm just asking as a learning experience I guess...and just trying to understand men.
It's not just "men" who go NC with friends/exes/etc. This is about acceptance and learning to let go with dignity, luv.

 

Anyway, you've got something from ParisPaulette that has helped you with closure so that's the end result you need to move on and not keep trying when it's clear you shouldn't keep trying.

 

Good luck.

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If I were him, this message you now send would really piss me off!

I mean he took two months to reply to your apologies, and he only did so because you kept apologizing, therefore basically forcing him to reply.

His reply was clear, he didn't want further contact or he would have said something that was cause for a reply from you or whatever, he didn't, it was a closing message from him, some people find it hard to directly tell someone they want no friendship, so they stay vague, hoping the other person catches on..as to not hurt their feelings..

What I don't get is you claim you only want friendship from him,I don't believe that is true, no one stalks and obsessively messages someone just for friendship when it is clear the other party isn't interested,I don't understand why you would keep doing that to yourself and to him, this last message screams desperation and neediness and I think he is glad he dodged that bullet to be honest..

You need to stop contacting him, he has given you no reason and no okay to keep contacting him

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I will not be contacting him again, and I will move on. This is still something hard to deal with as this had been the case with all of the 3 men I have dated. ( I have never had a bf)

 

With this guy, even though we had our disagreements there never were fights with back and forths. Our disagreements were never more than I say something to him, he says something back, I say something back. He ignores me. I work hard to get him to speak, then we are fine.

 

I have read on here about people who have had arguments, discussions, talked about things, have had clarity, have had communication. I have never ever had that in any of the 3 men I have dated. I am not a difficult person...I don't like to fight. I'm honest and direct. It seems like no guy will try to work to communicate with me. The last guy I dated for a month just stopped talking to me when everything seemed ok. I sent him a text just wanting to know what was going on. No reply, no communication.

 

This is the only thing I know. And it is so hurtful to me. What am I doing wrong? It has to be me.

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You may be honest and direct, but I don't think you understand the dynamics of a discussion and don't know how to listen. Each of these dating situations has ended by the quy disappearing... and stopping responding. That implies that trying to tell you something is very frustrating.

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I will not contact him anymore and am moving on. I honestly just wanted friendship with him. Now that I'm not looking at him with romantic blinders on, I realize he was a good friend to me. I don't have a lot of friends or people who are genuinely interested in me. He was. I talked to him more than I had talked to any of my other friends, even after I moved. He initiated contact with me several times, none of my friends ever do that. He wanted to be friends, and was acting like one, I wanted romance because of wat I was going through. I interpreted his actions as someone who wanted to date me, not a friend that is where I screwed up.

 

I only sent that message about whether he wanted to stay friends or move on because last time he said the same thing to me after I had apologized to him. I then asked him what he wanted, he said he wanted us to be friends and we continued. I was just asking for clarity, I got it with his silence.

 

I'm only on here asking why some people would prefer to ignore instead of not give a direct clear response that can completely stop contact for sure

 

I am moving on. I'm not psycho or delusional.

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You may be honest and direct, but I don't think you understand the dynamics of a discussion and don't know how to listen. Each of these dating situations has ended by the quy disappearing... and stopping responding. That implies that trying to tell you something is very frustrating.

 

I think these guys just didn't really want something romantic with me and were not attached to me i.e not that into me. People who are willing to communicate are people who are invested. None of these guys were...I moved too fast intimately (not always sex) with all of them, was always available, showed them I liked them. They just were not that into me, I was just easy and convenient. So when things got a little difficult it's was ok to up and go, and they weren't invested enough to care if I would be hurt to communicate what was happening. I moved to fast, and its my fault.

 

This guy I pushed away as a friend because I wanted something with him so romantically I ignored common sense that we were better as friends.

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I agree with mhowe as usual maybe you like being direct and honest but this can scare people of as well, not knowing how to talk to you or intimated to talk to you,I had a colleague like that once she was always in your face, told it like she saw it, was blunt, and I never felt comfortable talking to her about what may have bothered me, and we no longer work together she tried calling me a few times but my responses were always polite but nothing more, certainly never called her or accepted invitations, always kept it vague until she finally got the message apparently and no longer contacts me, but I could never have directly told her I didn't want her in my life, she would have gotten furious and her response would have been intimidating to me so best to do the slow fade away then a direct confrontation with her

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Interesting. When I say direct and honest I'm not all up in people's faces or rude or blunt. I'm very nice, accommodating, and a good listener. I usually don't bring up too much.

 

When I say I'm honest, if a guy starts pulling back/being weird. I'll just simply ask him whats up so i know we are on the same page. So if a guy goes silent for like 4 days, after we've been dating for a while, been intimate. I'll ask him that. That's when I get ignored/no response. I don't ask a lot of questions just that one simple one thats it.

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Maybe stop doing the pursuing and let them do the pursing at first. Then, meet them sooner (without expectation) and don't be so keen until you see that they are invested.

 

You might want to try a meetup site rather then a dating site: link removed is for meeting singles of both sexes and going to activities rather then just going to meet a potential partner. Perhaps doing something like that will get your focus off the end game and a little more on the present. Doing this will help you to make friends who you have already met rather then doing it backwards while online dating and thinking you've met and like them before you even have set eyes on one another in real life.

 

Just a suggestion.

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Maybe stop doing the pursuing and let them do the pursing at first. Then, meet them sooner (without expectation) and don't be so keen until you see that they are invested.

 

You might want to try a meetup site rather then a dating site: link removed is for meeting singles of both sexes and going to activities rather then just going to meet a potential partner. Perhaps doing something like that will get your focus off the end game and a little more on the present. Doing this will help you to make friends who you have already met rather then doing it backwards while online dating and thinking you've met and like them before you even have set eyes on one another in real life.

 

Just a suggestion.

 

Thank you for this! What you are saying is true. I have moved so fast with guys without even knowing their character...how they are. I will try the meet ups....and even if I meet someone on an online dating site I will make sure I know them so well before I get intimately involved. I need to know how they act in certain scenarios first, and how they communicate. Not everyone feels like they have to be direct with you, i get that now. I just now know that I prefer someone who will be. This is my dating inexperience and I am learning the hard way.

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I think he was very direct given how short a dating relationship you had and given his need to protect himself from you - he knows you have a habit of contacting again and again and so he felt that silence was the most effective way to make you stop -when that didn't work he figured his one message, two months later, would be more than clear.

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