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Girlfriend over stressed, lost affection


yellowclaw1030

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Hi All

 

I have been dating my girlfriend for a little over 7 months now i am 24 and she is 21, things were going really great, we always talked of moving in together, etc. Then around mid september stress starting piling up on her and she started slowly putting less affection and passion into our relationship as far as holding hands, kissing, no sex for about 2 months now,etc. At first i was ofcourse getting scared the inevitable break up was coming but never did since she assured me it was just the stress of everything which i dont blame her since in the past 2 months her cat passed away, her grandmother passed away, she is really stressed from work, lives in a bad apartment complex with a bunch of issues (needs to get out), and her mom is an alcoholic who just kept getting worse and was finally put into rehab for 3 weeks which she just got back from. I have been there for her the whole time, spending nights over while her mom is gone, helping her clean the apartment and fixing some issues up in the apartment due to neglect (mold, bugs, etc) and decided to back off from trying to force any intimate situations on her since its not what she is in the mood for. A few days ago she gave me a card saying that she knows she hasnt been herself lately and is slowly getting back to normal, that she appreciates everything i do for her, she is lucky to have me and loves me.

 

Now i feel like ive been overreacting about the situation to an extent since i do get upset sometimes that we havent had a passionate kiss, held hands, had sex, if i touch her the wrong way she gets annoyed at me very quickly, and we talk/text less during the course of the day all in the past 2 months. But i dont tell her any of this because i do not want to stress her out more then she is. I will say though we do still cuddle a little bit, kiss goodnight, and when i tell her i love her she says it back

 

Im just curious to see what other people have to say about the situation, am i handling it correctly, is there something i should do? Im not afraid to hear im overreacting and need to calm down haha

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I get that way when I become too stressed. I think you're handling everything just fine. The person you're in a relationship with is usually your best friend too. By helping her out like you are, you're showing that side of the relationship. And it's great that she acknowledges that. Maybe you can plan a special night out that makes her want to forget some of the stress for a few hours and have some passion again. Other than that, the stress clouds over her head should start going away soon enough.

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Your gf has gotten dealt a really pi$$ poor hand the past couple months. I am sure she is not just stressed, but depressed. This can manifest itself in odd ways- like getting REALLY annoyed over small stuff. Simply because her stress and depression are sucking up so much of her energy.

 

The only other thing I would say you could do for her (should this continue) is suggest she get additional support from a therapist (if she has the means) or a local support group. Assure her there is absolutely NO shame in this.

 

Sounds like you have been wonderfully supportive and that's great! Sounds like she realizes it and THAT'S also great. But people do have their limits/frustrations. It's okay if you don't feel you can shoulder this all your own.

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I have tried initiating it a few times, by being passionate , romantic, etc but each time i get shot down and since then have stopped since it was causing her to be more stressed. She was never really that into sex to begin with since she is afraid of getting pregnant even though protection is used but was open to other forms of sexual pleasure but since everything started happening she has completely lost interest in anything sexual.

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Stress is the destroyer of all life. However, when most of us are placed in such a bleak situation, I would think that it would be normal to seek comfort, support, advice and care from those who you love or trust the most. Her foundation of love, shelter and support are not there. It sounds like you are the only one who does offer that yet she pushes you away.

 

I do not know what to tell you. I can understand that her sexual drive is down but it sounds like there is more to this.

 

 

Does she text, call or spend as much time with you now than before?

 

Her mother's alcoholism wasn't developed overnight nor her poor living conditions. I find her behavior somewhat strange.

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she still texts me every day maybe a little less but not to much. We still spend a lot of time together i work from 9-5:30 and have an hour commute so most nights of the week ill see her from 7 till 12 but usually since we both have long days one of us is asleep by 10, every weekend for the most part we spend all day together whether its out doing something or just relaxing around the house. and i do agree that most people seek comfort, support, advice and care from those who you love or trust most but knowing her she is the type that doesnt like to rely on other people and would rather take care of things on her own. I respect that but at the same time there is nothing wrong with using a shoulder to lean on at times.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Well i got into a fight with my girlfriend last night/this morning. I got mad at her and told her that lately she has been pushing me away, that her showing no affection etc makes me feel as if its more then stress causing her to be this way and all i have been doing is supporting her these past two months. She said no she just doesnt feel like doing anything and isnt feeling affectionate, this is the reason why she asked for space.

 

To make a long story short i told her that despite giving her the space she wanted it does not change how i feel and i there is only so much i can put up with. She starting saying that im just trying to make her feel guilty and fix everything that we are both stressed out and shouldnt see each other for a few days.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Nothing has changed and again yesterday i talked to her saying that i feel neglected/unwanted by her despite the fact that yes we do hang out a lot (just about everyday atleast for a few hours). She told me that she is understand and that she knows it is hard but im not helping and only making her feel more stressed/annoyed. She also said that its making her feel forced and she hates that but she does want to be with me and that i am her boyfriend (i said that everything lately makes me feel like just a friend). I told her that i feel that i have been very good and supportive to her lately and she agreed saying that i am to trust her that its only her. After that she really didnt talk to me for the whole day, im just so confused she is very un affectionate lately, we only kiss goodbye and it feels at times like she doesnt even want to. I texted her this morning telling her to have a good day and that if she wanted to rest later we didnt need to hang out but she replied no you have a playoff hockey game i need to go. Her actions make me feel as if she doesnt want to be with me but she says she loves me and does want to be with me.

 

Im torn do i trust her ( which i do) and keep supporting her ?

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when I read your first post I immediately saw several red flags. A couple in their early twenties not having sex for two months is cause for concern. This reminds me of an ex-girlfriend of mine, who said she was in a "rut" and started becoming colder and eventually never wanted to have sex. All the while assuring me that she loved me right until she dumped me. Relationships aren't all about sex but it's important. It conveys a level of intimacy and desire for one another. I think sex, or lack there of, is a good indication for underlying issues.

 

You have to also realize that you can do everything "right" and still not "win". You can give her space, be attentive, be supportive, be independent, be whatever it is she says she needs of you and still feel like she's just as cold as before. If you're okay with being in a relationship like this then carry on, but if not you need to confront her about your needs and feelings because they are just as valid as hers.

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I fully agree and I had a previous ex who did something very similar to me but I was blinded to it, this time I have confronted her about it and said how ive felt. Maybe im being blind again, but she seems to be getting slowly better. I have been very cautious though by preparing myself for a possible breakup, and if her behavior keeps up for much longer despite me confronting her about how I feel im going to unfortunately do the hard thing and break up with her.

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