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Should I just break up, or let things settle down?


oasisrob22

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Hey guys,

 

I've got a bit of a heavy heart and a conflicted head as I write this tonight - I'm torn on whether or not I should break up with my current girlfriend. It hasn't been a long relationship, but it was once filled with long-term promise and now...I don't know. I'm confused. Here's my quick back story (I apologize as I try to keep this as short as I can without sparing any details):

 

We met in April of this year through my roommate and his girl that he was talking to at the time. His girl was visiting from out of town 2 hours away and brought her best friend in for some weekend fun. The best friend (my current girlfriend) is 24 years old and is the single mother of her 4-year-old daughter. The best friend and I hit it off immediately over lunch and drinks with my roommate and his girl. We exchanged numbers and have talked every single day since we met. We had this awesome back-and-forth banter and loved each other's sense of humor. We just got along really well. She started coming down and visiting almost every weekend...the arrangement with her daughter's father at the time was that she got her during the weeks, father got her during the weekends. We had a lot of fun when she came to visit. We started talking more and more and by summer time, I was thinking that things were getting more serious with her.

 

Keep in mind that we were doing this all this dating/talking long-distance - she lived 2 hours away. It was almost as if we were in a pseudo-relationship, or a relationship without the title. Anyway, she made a couple attempts to try and move to my town permanently over the summer - she is originally from here and has friends and family that live here and she had been wanting to move back here for a while. The attempts failed as she couldn't secure a good enough job and a roommate. It disappointed both of us and we both pulled back a bit.

 

In August, we started talking some more again and she came down and visited a couple times. In late August, I had had enough of trying to figure out what "we" were - so I flat-out asked her if she wanted to be my girlfriend, to which she said yes! We were finally exclusive. A few days later, she came down to visit for Labor Day and my birthday and surprised me by saying that she had gotten a lucrative job offer about 30 minutes away from my town and was finally moving back!! So now not only were we exclusive but we were finally going to be living in the same town. Things were heading in the right direction.

 

Unfortunately, in early September, right after Labor Day Weekend, my girlfriend got a nasty tooth infection at this time and had a pretty nasty disease flare up that caused her to be quite sick for a solid 2 weeks. She stayed at her sister's house here in town and this put a delay on both starting her new job and finding a place to live. I stepped up and took a bit of time off work taking care of her - getting her pain meds, taking her to the ER several times, sleeping on the couch in her sister's spare room to make sure my girlfriend was okay during the night, taking her to her doctor's appointments, keeping her company, etc. etc. She finally got better and was able to head home and get plans started up again on moving and starting her new job.

 

For much of the rest of the September and early October, she stayed at my place for half the week. This was fun at first but caused a bit of a strain as well - we were sharing the house with my roommate, my roommate's current girlfriend, and my other roommate. So 5 of us cramped in a small house is going to cause a strain for anyone. She finally found a place and moved in and has now been putting in demanding hours at her new job, which is to be expected.

 

That's pretty much all of the back story, now onto some bullet points - some of these are cons/reasons why I've considered breaking up (sorry if this isn't making 100% sense, I'm a bit jumbled up right now):

 

- We've only had sex twice. In fact, we just kiss but that's about it. Last time we had sex was...July? I can't even remember. She apparently hates it, freaks her out. Makes her feel awkward and uncomfortable. She doesn't like foreplay at all, doesn't initiate it. Refuses to let me touch her down there or oral or anything like that. It's rare that we even have a hardcore make out session, to be honest. It leads me to think a few things...that she's not really all that attracted to me, maybe I need to take the lead more/initiate more, or maybe we are just sexually incompatible.

- I've met her daughter once so far -- this past weekend. It was definitely new and weird at first but I felt comfortable hanging around her and her kid after a little while. I guess I didn't do too well though. My girlfriend acknowledged that I am new and that I am trying, but she told me I need to loosen up and not be so quiet around her kid or she fears her kid won't like me.

- Her Twitter feed is embarrassing. It's dumb that I let it annoy me, but it does. She tweets stuff all the time about how relationships don't work, #SingleforLife because she's the only sibling out of 6 yet to be engaged, and a month ago had some tweet conversation with a friend about how she'd rather 'take shots than be in a relationship'. Sure, it's easy to just unfollow her and not pay any mind to it, but my friends follow her and I can't imagine what they think.

- I can tell that a good number of my friends don't like her. A few have come up to me and said that she is blatantly rude to me in front of my group of friends. I defend her by telling them that she is just joking around.

- She talks a lot about wanting a ring on her finger. She told me that her and her best friend have a running bet on when I'll propose to her - down to the month and the year. She also talks constantly about wanting me to move in. I'll and say something like "babe I'm flattered but let's just give it some time, I can definitely see it happening though" and she responds "I know.."

- She thinks I've been unhappy for a while. She'll bring it up about once or twice a week, asking me if I'm okay, if we're okay. To which I'll respond 'Yeah babe I'm fine why?' or "Yeah babe we're great why?" She'll then dismiss it and chalk it up to me being stressed at work or just being quieter than normal.

- We haven't argued all that much, but when we do, it's not good. She threatened to break up the last time we argued - I was in the wrong for the argument so I apologized and we talked it out and I told her that breaking up is not an option for me unless the issues/problems at hand are too big to solve.

 

Overall: I just get this lack of feeling of intimacy, period. I have strong feelings for her and I think she is beautiful and sexy, quite possibly the best I've ever dated. But I just feel like this relationship is more of me dating my best friend. There's really not much romanticism involved at all. We've talked about this once or twice and we chalked it up to things being crazy and how we're exhausted with her jobs and everything...but I feel like that convo did nothing but make me feel 'okay' temporarily before feeling kinda bummed out with everything again.

 

I don't know. I know I've listed a lot out here. Perhaps I am just exhausted. It felt good to get this off my chest! However, I'm wondering now: should I call it quits on this relationship, or give things some time to settle down?

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I think that the three biggest things that would bother me the most about what you said is:

 

We've only had sex twice. In fact, we just kiss but that's about it. Last time we had sex was...July? I can't even remember. She apparently hates it, freaks her out.

 

Umm... that's not good. She's flat-out told you that she doesn't like sex. That means that it's not about attraction or what you are doing or not doing. It means that she just doesn't like sex. Some people are like that. Do YOU like sex? Are you ok having a sexless relationship? Because she is telling you that's what it is. For this reason, don't expect it to change. You can be the most wonderful, attentive, caring, generous, etc. person ever - but if she doesn't like sex, she doesn't like sex.

 

I can tell that a good number of my friends don't like her. A few have come up to me and said that she is blatantly rude to me in front of my group of friends.

 

Having one or two friends not like your gf/bf is fairly normal. Not everybody will like everybody. But when a "good number" of them don't like her - especially if they are warm and welcoming people - well... I'd say that's a problem. And really, they are backing it up with a reason that you know to be true - otherwise, you wouldn't be making excuses for her. I think this is a major red flag. Friends often see the things we don't see when we are infatuated. As long as your friends are the type who normally like or tolerate your gfs and this is abnormal for them? This is problematic.

 

I just get this lack of feeling of intimacy, period.

 

If you are feeling a lack of intimacy, there probably IS a lack of intimacy. Not only because the sex... but emotional intimacy as well.

 

 

The rest is less of a big deal. The kid thing is silly... she's nitpicking. Be yourself. The kid would get to know you in time. The twitter thing is annoying... and the pushing for a ring is annoying... but really the 3 things above are the biggest problems for me.

 

It's up to you... but personally, I would leave this relationship. I like sex. Life is too short to feel disconnected from your bf/gf (especially since the relationship is so new). And people don't like her. Blech.

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Hey

 

I can see why you're confused, it seems like in some ways she wants to go super fast and in others really slow.

 

For the sex thing- some people have had bad experiences with sexual activity and it causes the to not like it or they may not like it due to a lack of sex drive, it's not necessarily that she isn't attracted to you. It's most likely to do with her rather than you... Just ask her about it- like why she feels awkward regarding sex and all that... Maybe she just has a particular way that she likes it or something?

 

There's always the possibility of not everyone liking your partner but overall it is your life and so if they make you happy then it's your choice- dont completely ignore your friends though because they can sometimes see things that you can't... But if they're just being upset with no actual backing then they're probably upset that they're "losing" you to someone else. I know I hate it when I lose a friend, it's just really horrible.

 

It's seeming like she's REALLY intent on you becoming the new father in her kids life- trying to get you two to like each other, trying to get you to move in, trying to encourage you to marry her- btw with the twitter there are two likely possibilities 1) that she's dropping hints for you to marry her and insinuating a breakup if you don't or 2) it's become an inside joke for her and her family. Maybe even the lack of sex is her way of seeing whether you have real feelings for her and would stay even without it.

 

It's really up to you though, if you aren't happy and you don't think that you could spend your life with her then you should break up. If you love her and are willing to deal with all these irritant to be with her then stay. But I would suggest you make your decision fairly soon- if you wait too long then you could get intertwined with her daughters life as well and it would make it alot messier. But definitely talk to her about what's bothering you as well.

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tell her everything that you've told us (except the friends and twitter issues). tell her what you need to be happy in a relationship and to feel satisfied. ask her what she thinks and give a bit of time for there to be improvement.

 

I agree with the poster who said she's going too fast and too slow at the same time. this has to do with dating as a single parent - where you're always balancing your own romantic desires with the best interests of your child. judging from her behavior (seeing you regularly, moving to your town, introducing you to her child, etc.), she sees this as a serious relationship. she will be blindsided and likely devastated if you break up with her after assuring her repeatedly that there are no major problems in the relationship and you're around for the long haul. speak up - before breaking up.

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Hey everyone,

 

Thanks so much for your replies - they've definitely helped this morning. A few things I wanted to address:

 

1) The sex issue - We've only talked about it briefly but it's certainly something that I need to bring up again. She's stated that she wants us to have a good sex life...she knows that when we first started dating, that I had previously had sexual problems with my past girlfriend - anxiety issues leading to a lot of worrying which unfortunately led to ED problems. So she was patient...I went to see a doctor about this summer and she gave me pills to try. The second twice we had sex, it worked. We haven't really tried since... When we talked about it a month ago, she actually brought up the question of why we never 'fool around'. I told her that honestly, I feel like she is exhausted all the time when she gets home from work and just wants to watch a movie and go to sleep. I also said that the fact that she previously told me sex makes her feel awkward and uncomfortable has put me in a tough spot. She said she understood, and we haven't talked about it since. I like sex...I don't have the biggest sex drive. BUt to me, I would be happy having sex 1-2 times per week.

 

2) The friends issue - Okay, I may have worded that poorly. Overall, my friends like her. They just think that she is unnecessarily rude to me at times. I had a good conversation about it with one of my best friends a few weeks back...he stated that "We all like her and we know that you're happy, so we're cool with her. We just think that sometimes she is rude and is oblivious to the fact that she is being rude." My girlfriend gets nervous around new people and "word vomits". I spoke with her about this after my chat with my friend. She apologized and said she will try to tone it down, but that she was just trying to be funny and poke fun at me to ease the mood and try to fit in with my friends. I told her that I get that but when she's still new around my friends, they don't understand her sense of humor just yet. It's worth noting also that, over the past couple years that I have introduced any girls that I am talking to/dating to my friends group, they are usually harsh critics.

 

3) Her daughter - she's not trying to have me be the new father. The current father is very much in the picture and my g/f and him have a civil, professional friendship/parentship. They're both obsessed with their daughter. But I agree, its going to take time and my g/f realizes that now.

 

Overall, I just feel like we are best friends that sleep in bed together.

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Her comments about being the only one in her family not to be engaged, her comments about moving in and getting a ring....and yet YOU feel she isn't really attracted to you.

 

I mean, come on. My bf and I can't keep our hands off each other -- and we have been together 4 years.

 

Her tweets about what a pain in the a$$ relationship are, yet constantly trying to "read" the temp of your relationship. What I think is that she is trying to figure out how to get you to commit --- without putting anything into the relationship at all.

 

So, to summarize: She wants the ring, the progression, etc. But if it isn't you, she will find someone else. Because, as you have noted --- the attraction to you just isn't there.

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These things do sound like red flags and I don't blame you for having doubts.

 

Except for meeting her daughter...I don't think you should be involved with her daughter yet, at all. Being exclusive is not the same as being committed long-term. Neither of you are there yet (nor should you be, you haven't known each other long enough, or lived close enough) and so a child should not be in the middle of it in case if a break up.

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Good advice. So is it worth sitting down and having a serious conversation about? She has her daughter down here today through this Sunday so maybe a good conversation for Sunday night?

 

journeynow - thanks for your response. I actually somewhat agree -- perhaps i wasn't ready yet to meet her daughter as much as i THOUGHT i was.

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definitely talk to her. it seems that the sex issue is the primary one. the earlier ed issues probably play a significant part here. if she is asking about more physical contact, she likely wants it and is attracted to you! You both are likely dealing with anxiety and fears about your desirability to the other.

 

You can slow down the amount of time you spend with her daughter. I really don't see any insurmountable problems here that effective and sincere communication wouldn't remedy.

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These things do sound like red flags and I don't blame you for having doubts.

 

Except for meeting her daughter...I don't think you should be involved with her daughter yet, at all. Being exclusive is not the same as being committed long-term. Neither of you are there yet (nor should you be, you haven't known each other long enough, or lived close enough) and so a child should not be in the middle of it in case if a break up.

 

Well, everyone has their own thoughts on that. She decided she was ready for her child to meet him. That is her choice.

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I would agree that she doesn't seem all that attracted to you but is interested in marriage. I've been telling you for a while that there are flags in this relationship. Too many issues throughout - it's like you are trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. I just don't think you two are compatible.

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