FWB vs RELATIONSHIPS

[Fudgie]

But what if they also have no money to go along with ugly looks?

 

The thing is that for men AND women, you need to bring SOMETHING to the table when it comes to a relationship or even a FWB situation. SOMETHING.

 

You either have looks, personality, intelligence, and/or looks.

 

If you're lacking in one, you make up for it in others.

 

I knew going into my early teens that looks weren't going to be my strong suit. I wasn't fashionable, I wasn't a girly-girl, I didn't want to put a lot of time or effort into my looks. I instead spent a lot of time in school. I think what I lack in looks, I make up in intelligence and some in personality too.

 

To me, I think it's foolish to not put ANY effort into any of these things and to expect a partner to come along and want to be with you. You need to have SOMETHING to offer. SOMETHING.

[derPhilosoph]

I agree that each party needs to bring something to the table, but I think you forgot to mention one critical category: heart. Unless "heart" is included in personality. Obviously, heart is the least valued thing these days of the 3 major thing a person can possess: 1) looks, 2) money, 3) heart... I have read stuff from wiser ppl than I that if you have too much of a heart in today;s world, you will not get what you want; whether that is sex, money, control, power, etc.

 

 

 

I speak as a man who has been told by many that I have a big heart and am easily hurt. My looks are probably average to below average since I have battled relentless acne since high school (I'm now late 20's). No doctor or scientist on earth has been able to find a cure for such acne because the human body is too complex. I did try too courses of a very powerful medicine that did clear me up totally for 6mts to a year after i stopped each course, but slowly but surely my nemesis came back... People I have worked with said I am easy going, fun to work with, sharp, etc. I try not to make mountains out of molehills, especially at work. I also don;t really let bad things/attitude at home come with me to work too often.

 

I do not believe I set my standards for women too high as I would be more than willing to date a woman who has/had bad acne (on her face even), but had a relatively toned body otherwise - I love many outdoor activities such as running and hiking and would need someone who can keep up with me. Plus, I am not a muscular guy, not too tall, and don;t weight much and therefore I need a woman smaller than me so I would be able to pick her up, etc.

 

Anyway my 2 cents.

[Fudgie]

derPhilosoph,

 

I consider "heart" to be a part of personality. I know that not everyone has it, or much of it. So you can still have a "good" personality without heart because some people just really like funny, charming people.

 

I am like you, I have a lot of heart too. I do a good job of hiding it or acting like I don't care. My therapist has told me that my coping mechanism for dealing with trauma in my life (which I've had a lot of) is that I emotionally harden myself and try to soldier on. With limited success. I do work in a hospital and you need to have a thick skin many times to do your job.

 

I hear you on the acne - I used to struggle with really bad facial acne. I still have a few spots. I have a bad hormone problem that makes me overweight, acne-prone, and infertile. I'm considering weight loss surgery in the near future and I'm hoping to see my two problems (weight and acne) go away over time. I am confident I will be able to get down to my goal weight and be happy.

 

But you know, I have known people, men and women, with bad acne currently, and they have partners and are happy. Having a couple "eh" or not so good traits about you is not a death sentence. Everyone has their strengths and faults. That's just life.

[HeartGoesOn]

Moderator Note: Please stay on topic.

[The_Seeker]

I'm a 32 guy looking to either A) have my first relationship or/and B) experience a sex partner.

 

You would think if I get to point A that point B would happen. But the point B has always been a bigger deal to me.

 

I've been thinking lately that some girls are strictly A and some are strictly B.

 

Right now, I've decided screw the A girl and go after the B situation.

 

What are things a MAN has to do/get or whatever to get into a B situation? I'm tired of being a V-card. It's time to get crazy with it.

 

Um, hire a prostitute if you are that tired.

 

But anyway, going back to your question what's the difference between FWB and Relationships.

 

FWB - Short term

 

Relationship - Long term

 

That's the difference. But you have to think carefully. Because the actions would leave a trail on the history of your soul.

 

Tread carefully.

[Blue Spiral]

That's the difference. But you have to think carefully. Because the actions would leave a trail on the history of your soul.

 

Flip answer: my Soul History self-deletes every time I go to sleep, so no worries.

 

Genuine answer: constant rejection and/or constant struggle to make monogamy work can leave a trail on the history of your soul, as well.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Maybe I needed to clarify what I meant. I want more of a FWB situation. Not just a random girl I hook up or a 1 night stand. I'm not ready for that type of situation right now, at least I don't think. I want a girl that's more on a continuous plan with me. Isn't that what a FWB is?

 

Do you have any long term female friends who have expressed interest in you?

 

I've had a FWB pseudosituation. You gotta have a like minded friend for this to really go anywhere.

[Cognitive_Canine]

But what if they also have no money to go along with ugly looks?

 

Looks, personality, humour, sexual prowess, a passionate and interesting skill, something

 

You just gotta bring something to the table. One of the sexiest men I've ever known was not very good looking. But, he was just sexy. His mannerisms and the way he held himself were sensual and attractive. If you would have shown me a picture of him, I wouldn't have given him a second look. But he didn't need the looks.

[jonny15]

Looks, personality, humour, sexual prowess, a passionate and interesting skill, something

 

I do believe I have humor.

 

Sexual prowess? It's pretty obvious I have none of that.

 

I have no skills. I really don't know anything that I would be good at.

 

You just gotta bring something to the table. One of the sexiest men I've ever known was not very good looking. But, he was just sexy. His mannerisms and the way he held himself were sensual and attractive. If you would have shown me a picture of him, I wouldn't have given him a second look. But he didn't need the looks.

 

Not everyone has good social skills or mannerisms.

 

I don't think I could ever get comfortable around random people to act like that. And even If I was comfortable......act sesnual? I'm a total dork. Not everyone can act all sexy and stuff.

[Blue Spiral]

I do believe I have humor.

 

Sexual prowess? It's pretty obvious I have none of that.

 

I have no skills. I really don't know anything that I would be good at.

 

Not everyone has good social skills or mannerisms.

 

I don't think I could ever get comfortable around random people to act like that. And even If I was comfortable......act sesnual? I'm a total dork. Not everyone can act all sexy and stuff.

 

The dirty little secret about so-called "romance": you have to give something to get something. It's basically a market. And if you can't bring something special to the table, you aren't going to get very far, or anywhere at all. When I was younger, I thought it was enough to just be "nice" to women...but they can get that from guys that are more attractive and successful than me. Either because the guys are that way naturally, or because they think they can "train" them to be nice. I mean, look at it from their point of view...there's an attractive, successful guy that's rough around the edges, and there's a nice, earnest, well-meaning guy that's otherwise hapless. "niceness" is a lot easier to cultivate than attractiveness/success.

 

The sad truth is, not everyone has something to offer--at least, not something that the other gender can't easily get.

[tiredofvampires]

The sad truth is, not everyone has something to offer

 

I've seen a lot of dullish (to me), boring (to me), vanilla people married to equally unexciting (to me) people. And it works. People find things in each other all the time that are subjectively "something to offer." I don't think "something to offer" is ever an objective assessment.

 

You might not have people swarming around you the way someone charismatic does, but that doesn't mean you have nothing to offer anyone.

 

Of course, if you wake up every day saying, "I'm nobody, I'm nothing, I have nothing; I'm nobody, I'm nothing, I have nothing; I'm nobody..." in a loop, that'll prevent you from presenting anything, and it'll become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

I'm not necessarily saying, "there's someone for everyone" -- I'm saying for some people the pickings are fewer and further in between, so if you're one of these people and slam the door shut on your own foot, you'll certainly never find anyone.

[Blue Spiral]

You might not have people swarming around you the way someone charismatic does, but that doesn't mean you have nothing to offer anyone.

 

Oh, I think I have something to offer, but the whole "not capable of monogamy" thing sort of disqualifies me from the jump, as do several other issues. When I thought I'd be able to be in a regular relationship, I actually had several high-quality women interested in me...but once I realized the truth (and refused to hide it, i.e. stringing women along with false hope), that changed. All I have to offer is sex and "nice treatment", which women can get pretty much anywhere. I've seen the women desperate enough to settle for someone like me (in the context of a relationship), and it's not pretty, no pun intended.

 

You're right, there's almost always going to be someone desperate enough to give someone else a chance...but it's cold comfort.

[The_Seeker]

Flip answer: my Soul History self-deletes every time I go to sleep, so no worries.

 

Genuine answer: constant rejection and/or constant struggle to make monogamy work can leave a trail on the history of your soul, as well.

 

Constant rejection? Depends why you are getting rejected. This varies.

 

Constant struggle to make monogamy work? Depends why you are making this relationship work. This varies.

 

But then again you are still quite young and act like you have no feeling of life. We will return in the next 30 years to see how we both are doing, won't we, Blue Spiral?