Advice.....

[GodsChosen]

Hello. I am in need of some answers and advice. My boyfriend and I broke up recently. Im still in shock about the whole thing. The thing is, both of us have a past history of unsuccessful relationships and have been hurt. When we met each other it was as if It was a divine union. We were perfect for each other. He often told me how amazing I was because I was someone he wasn’t “use too”. All the things I did as his girlfriend I assume was what all women did and should do. Apparently not. He often told me I reminded him of his mother (they are very close). We were working on our future together. Getting things straight because we were ready to settle down. Right around the time that we were doing this, everything went south. The thing is he has a child from a previous relationship. Him and his childs mother never had a good relationship. The child is four now. I guess she found out about me and didn’t like it. She went to court to change the childs last name to hers. I believe she did it out of spite. She couldn’t have him so she hit him where it would hurt the most. Not to mention she made him out to be such a bad father in front of everyone. Two weeks before the court date he broke up with me. Said he couldn’t be the man he needed to be for me and he didn’t wanna play with my heart. Said he couldn’t be with me right now. In the same sentence he said I love you. The next day he lashed out at me for “not waiting” on him. I could tell he was confused and stressed. I forgave him because I love him. Told him I would wait. The next week I find out through mutual friends that hes moving to be with his daughter and baby mother. I was crushed. I don’t hate him. Never did. I went off on him in a furious rant. I later apologized for my behavior. I felt more sorry for him than I was angry. Everytime I send prayers or encouraging bible verses to him he lashes out at me and assumes there is more to it than and actual prayer. I told him I would stop contacting him since he seem so angry at me and to hate me so much. I want to know why is he so angry at me and should I just move on and start over. He told me I “assumed” he left me for his babys mother , yet they are living together. Smh. Please help.

[pippy longstocking]

It sounds like the scenario is this

 

baby mum doesn't like that he has a new love . but baby mum has the ultimate power over him [ and this is the sickening bit , but so many women do it] the child .. and in a nutshell has has had to choose between you and his child ...so where is any human being going to go ..their child .

 

It didn't work last time and it wont work this time with them .....but thats not for you to worry about .....leave him be ...walk away now and start your life again .

[Tanzi]

Here in the UK a mother you can't change a child's surname without the father's consent and I am assuming that is pretty much the case everywhere. Therefore if the father still sees the child and is paying maintenance then I'm not sure on what grounds the court would grant her that privilege. He has rights to his own child too so I'm not sure why he would need to move in with her for any other reason other than because he wanted to be with her.

 

It is perfectly understandable why you would think that he left you for the baby's mother seeing as they are back living together! I would say that he was still emotionally connected to the her (as she evidently was to him) and he is blowing a lot of "hot air" your way and not telling it straight.

 

He is probably angry because he has made up his mind what he wants to do and he sees your texts as an interruption into his "new" life. It may well cause problems for him with the baby's mother too.

 

It's a harsh lesson in life I know but, yes, it is time to let go and to allow yourself to start moving on.

[lavenderdove]

If he is living with his ex and the child, then he has made his choice and it is isn't you. Doesn't matter whether he is angry or not, the reality is he is living with another woman and had the opportunity to stay with you and be with you and instead chose another woman.

 

I also suspect that that court date involved a lot more than changing the baby's name. You only know about his ex what he chooses to tell you, and frankly that is the 'edited' version that is meant to make him look good, make her look bad, and to manipulate you. Perhaps she really took him to court because he hadn't been paying child support, or to get child support from him, and when he saw what it woudl cost him (or that he'd go to jail if he didn't pay up), he decided to take the easy route out and get back with her rather than take the consequences in court. It just doesn't make sense to go from 'changing the child's name in court' to instantly living with his ex unless there was a lot more going on than he was telling you. She may be a perfectly normal person, and he may have been stringing her along all along promising to get back with her while trying to placate her in order to not pay child support to her, and when she found out about you she decided to go to court because she no longer believed he was coming back.

 

So there is always more to the story than most people tell you in situations like this. There is no logical excuse for him to move back with her other than they've gotten back together because he wanted to put off having to pay her child support (and possibly in arrears child support or go to jail).

[lavenderdove]

btw, stop reading him Bible verses. This is a guy who knocked another woman up and didn't marry her, then took up with you, then dumped you. He's not interested in religion or being a good guy. If you want to go the religion route, then the 'right' thing for him to do would be to marry his child's mother. So really, all routes lead to letting go and finding a man who has a lot less drama in his life. And if you're religious, look for a religious man and not some guy running around knocking women up and leaving them then hopping from woman to woman on a moment's notice.

[pippy longstocking]

Here in the UK a mother you can't change a child's surname without the father's consent and I am assuming that is pretty much the case everywhere.

 

yes I have to say that bit sounded a bit fishy to me as well and both you and lavender saw it too , you are quite correct of course for us in the uk ...we can't just do anything like that and I would be surpised if you could anywhere in the world .

[lavenderdove]

I think you can do it in the U.S. if the couple never married. People can and do change their children's names... but i also think that she was going to court for more than that, and perhaps that was just want he told her because he didn't want to admit she was taking him to court for being in arrears on the child support, or to get child support from him if he was refusing to pay her any.

[Tanzi]

I think you can do it in the U.S. if the couple never married. People can and do change their children's names... but i also think that she was going to court for more than that, and perhaps that was just want he told her because he didn't want to admit she was taking him to court for being in arrears on the child support, or to get child support from him if he was refusing to pay her any.

 

Agree. Whatever was going on, I certainly don't think that he has been straight with the OP. I suspect that the reason they didn't have a good relationship was because there was a lot of t*t for tat games and threats going on ... and one of the main reasons that tension can still run high between exes is because they haven't disconnected emotionally. Hence his hasty retreat back.

[pippy longstocking]

I think you can do it in the U.S. if the couple never married. People can and do change their children's names... but i also think that she was going to court for more than that, and perhaps that was just want he told her because he didn't want to admit she was taking him to court for being in arrears on the child support, or to get child support from him if he was refusing to pay her any.

 

 

ahh right so you can , I know its a right old carry on here , I have never done it , my daughter carries her fathers surname , but at school you are now asked what you want your child to be known as ...but yes back on topic ..having thought about it , I agree there is a lot more going on here . If the op ever comes back ..........she might tell us

[GodsChosen]

He did pay his child support. I reviewed all of his pay stubs. And as far as their relationship, I don't personally know her, but ive viewed a lot of the things she posted on social networks about him. His own parents ended their relationship with her because of the back and forth childish things she would pull. Its awful that she would do something like that. No he wasn't perfect, but as that childs father he did his best to be the best for that child. they even got family lawyers involved. this has been going on for a while. I guess my confusion was moreso as to why he was so bitter at me. Like I said he was like that even before the court date. I just figured he was taking his frustrations out on me. He is telling close friends of his that he really wants to be with me, but feels as if I don't want to wait on him. He is contradicting himself because his actions say differently. im just confused. but I am slowly but surely moving on. one day at a time.

[GodsChosen]

Im not at all saying he is innocent, but that man is a great father. I really believe that she knew what she was doing when she went to that extreme, but at the sametime, he wouldn't be there if he didn't want to. Its just a big screwed up situation.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

If he was such a stand-up guy, he wouldn't be blaming you for not waiting for him when he was the one who went running back to his ex! Quite frankly I think you dodged a bullet here. This guy is not as stable as you thought he was. A stable person doesn't lash out and blame the person he walked out on when he runs back to his ex.

[GodsChosen]

I agree. I do see now that i dodged a bullet. Im thankful for that. Took a while for me to see that.

If he was such a stand-up guy, he wouldn't be blaming you for not waiting for him when he was the one who went running back to his ex! Quite frankly I think you dodged a bullet here. This guy is not as stable as you thought he was. A stable person doesn't lash out and blame the person he walked out on when he runs back to his ex.

[GodsChosen]

Thank you all for your comments & advice. I look back on the situation and I do believe that this ended moreso to protect me. And I'm greatful for that. I believe in karma though. But like I say. Its a messed situation all the way around.

[pippy longstocking]

I hope that you can move forward and find happiness , you sound like a lovely person xx