So she finally contacted me the other day...

[Slow Club]

My ex (who dumped me about 2.5 years ago) text me the other night.

 

She was just asking about me basically...well asking about something (not that important) but then we had a brief text conversation about how each were doing.

It was totally unexpected and at the time I wasn't able to realise my emotions at the time. It was just nice to hear from her. She seemed mildly curious.

 

Anyway, the day after, the conversation sunk in a bit more. I basically text back saying that she shouldn't have text me unless she wanted to reconcile so as to imply that I still care about her. Her reply was "ok". By reconcile, I mean only as friends of course. There were implications from both of us that neither could get over the break-up and the events that followed.

 

Yet, I dunno. She just seemed really nice to me. Obviously I'm bias and it's impossible to know know the tone of texts.

 

I guess what I'm saying is that we both seemed to have moved past that stage of hating each other, which is nice of course. But her contacting me has set me back a bit. I've composed myself again and still know my ambitions and aims. But I do wonder about contacting her. To reconcile obviously.

 

I know this sounds ridiculous to some and I'm not expecting everybody to understand but I just really want us to be friends again. And I know that she does too if she could get over how much I hurt her.

 

I dunno...I guess I don't have anything to lose. What do you guys think?

 

Would reconciliation be futile when she's basically implied she doesn't want to be friends.

[mhowe]

Reconciliation is a word used to re-commit to a romantic relationship, not a friendship.

Her reaching out after 2.5 years, and you guys texting --- may or may not have been that...but to use "unless you want to reconcile" means --- unless she wants to be bf/gf...then don't contact you.

 

If she doesn't want to be friends, and was just touching base. Well, then -- there you have it.

[QWit]

wrong choice of words if you are trying to gain a friendship.

[pippy longstocking]

wrong choice of words if you are trying to gain a friendship.

 

yep I agree and it was a bit of a "slap in the face" response after 2 and a half years ..considering you would like to pursue a friendship ...

[savignon]

I think her texting you implies that at this point there are no hard feelings. What would you expect from a friendship?

How did the relationship end?

[Slow Club]

It can mean that but reconciliation has a fairly broad meaning.

 

To be fair, I share your concern which is why I did clarify that I meant "put everything past us and be friends again". To which she just replied "ok'.

 

That's what I mean about our text conversation, nothing was really said about making up and reconciling. It was all implied.

 

She never categorically said she didn't want to be friends again. But at the same time, I don't want to ask her because it just seems a bit petty.

 

It doesn't bother me massively whether or not she wants to be friends again. I was doing pretty well before that text but since she asked about me, it does imply that there's hope of us being friends again.

[mhowe]

Are you even in the same area?

Because being FB friends is kinda meaningless.

And no, reconciliation does not really have a "broader context" if you have slept together.

 

If you want to be friends again, it is more "water under the bridge".

 

And once again --- if it was that important to EITHER of you, a phone call is the best method of communication.

 

Since you are ambivalent, I would just let it go.

[Slow Club]

I was ambivalent yes but she since she text me, I'm still thinking about it. Hence why I've posted since god knows when.

 

Yes, FB friends is meaningless. But this is the UK, distance is hardly ever an issue here, especially for friends.

 

I really don't think she took the meaning of "reconciliation" as you guys have done. Otherwise her reaction would have been much stronger.

 

Anyway, before I sent that text i.e. before I sent my 'reconciliation' text the next day, her finals words were "goodbye, have a nice life", which suggests she isn't interested in mutual contact. But my confusion comes from the fact that she still has my number saved after all this time.

[mhowe]

It is in her phone. If that is your biggest "issue", then by all means, be over it.

 

And her having said "have a nice life", put a fork in it, you are done.

 

I have the tel # of my bf from college --- we have been in contact for 30 years. Never dated again.

When my phone died...I googled his mom because I knew he always had unlisted number. We remained friends.

 

You guys --- are done.

[Tanzi]

I'm in the UK and was in a LDR a few years back. In fact it was THAT relationship that brought me to ENA. We were still 5 hours apart and it did eventually become an issue ... but that has little to do with this thread. Just thought I would mention it!!

 

I must say I was confused by your post. You talked of reconciliation then you talked about being friends. Yes, "reconciliation" COULD have a broader meaning but unless you elaborated more specifically, most would assume you were talking about getting back together. Still, I gather from what you added further that you made your intentions clear. Nevertheless the comment you made as a we is usually one reserved for those wanting to get back together with someone in a romantic sense and seems rather unnecessary after such a long time. Even more so since you then said you did, in fact, want to be friends. I do wonder whether this mixed message has made its way to your ex and whether you are confused yourself as to what you want. Maybe your expectations of a "friendship" are quite high because it seems her reaching out meant she was being "friendly" towards you but you kinda turned it into something else and said something I don't think you really needed to say.

[Slow Club]

@a-little-blue

 

Perhaps you're right. Maybe I am just confused.

 

But I still needed to tell her that sporadic contact would just hurt me which is why I said it's not ok unless she wanted to be friends.

 

I think you're right though. I probably was turning it into something else. Because I was pretty excited to hear from her. Not that I think she wanted me back, I don't want that either.

It was just nice to hear from my old best friend again. But when she said "goodbye, have a nice life" that's when I realised this wasn't what I thought it was. Which is why I said what I said.

[Tanzi]

Well I can understand that sporadic contact is no good when you are trying to get over a break up but, being friends with an ex often means sporadic contact and not much else so you were basically saying "don't contact me as a friend unless you want to be friends" which doesn't really make much sense.

 

A "dumper" and "dumpee" often have a different view on being "friends". For the dumper it means reaching out as and when they feel like it. For the dumpee it is an opportunity to hang on and they will often push for more contact and meet ups than the dumper really wants. Afterall when someone ends a relationship with you it is because they are making the choice to be apart from you and not for you to still have a major role in their lives.

 

So you basically told her that the odd phone call even if it were just as "friends" was not enough for you even though you want to be "friends". You want more than the level of friendship she could possibly offer (ie. the odd phone call here and there) so, as is often the case, you have certain expectations of her that she can't meet as "friends". This is why remaining friends with an ex rarely works - not whilst one of you is still more emotionally attached - and thus wants more - than the other.

 

I'm not saying you were wrong to say what you said ... just that it doesn't make sense because remaining "friends" with an ex is generally only ever the odd call or text here or there anyway. Anything else is just like a relationship .... and comes with the same expectations.

 

By the way, my post above was meant to say " .... the comment you made as a WHOLE is usually one reserved for ...."