Friends who never initiate contact

[gluestick]

Hey guys,

 

I have a friend who I've known for years since High School. The problem is I am always the one calling her to hang out.

 

A little background: couple years ago I was really busy with work and life in general and didn't initiate any contact with her for a really long time. It took her around 1-2 years before she actually called me to hang out. I think ever since college, she changed to be really pessimistic, depressed, and anti-social. So now she's really socially awkward and prefers to stay home all the time.

 

I was considering not initiating contact with her anymore and just eventually phase out the friendship, but one of my friends told me I shouldn't...that this girl is pitiful and I should help her out being that I'm her only friend. My own opinion is that I feel guilty if I were to drop this friendship because I have known her for so many years. On the flip side, I'm tired of always being the one initiating contact. Given that she stays home all the time and doesn't interact with anyone outside of work, her negativity and skewed perception of the real world is emotionally draining on me sometimes.

 

Anyone have been in a similar boat care to offer some advice?

[mhowe]

It is not your job to stay in contact. Friendship is a two way street. You cannot "hold it up" on your own.

[BigKK]

Stop calling her, and if she ever calls you again and asks you what's up. Just say you're tired of always being the one that calls

[kitkat620]

Even some friendships reach a point where continuing in the friendship causes more harm than good. When a friendship becomes emotionally draining and one sided, I think it best to walk away.

[alli]

Yeah, I've had friends like that. They would get together if I called them, but never called me. I got sick of it and eventually stopped calling.

 

I think when you have a friend & something happens to them that makes life difficult, it is nice to have someone who isn't a "fair-weather" friend and will actually stick around & help out throughout the difficult times. However, it looks like your friendship had already waned prior to her entering her current difficult stage. She wasn't really there for you before when you were busy with school. She never contacted you then, so I don't see why you would be obligated to contact her now. It's too bad things are so difficult for her but some people are such downers sometimes that it doesn't matter what you say or do; you can't pull them up and all they do is pull you down.

 

Contact her if you want to but not because you feel that you are obligated to because you aren't! If this other friend is so concerned about her then maybe she should do something about it herself instead of telling you what you should be doing!

[Moontiger]

I have a confession: I have been this friend for most of my life.

 

During high school I was extremely shy and for some reason I was terrified of calling people and bothering them. Logically it made no sense but I just could not get past it. For the first part of college I got a little better but do to various thing I went into a deep depression for about 2 years. This made things worse then they were in high school.

 

Now, I am trying very hard to not be this friend but like all habits it very difficult to break. Its not that I don't want to see my friends or that I want them to do all the work in the friendship. It was just something within my that I wasn't aware of until the last few years.

 

I don't have any advice on how to handle the situation. I'm still trying to figure it out!

[KarenC]

Yes, I've been through the very same thing and I got tired of being the one who was always reaching out to her and guess what; I still haven't heard from her in years so that tells me a lot and just how she felt about me and valued me as a person as well as a so-called friend.

 

I wouldn't end the friendship before talking to her but I would simply just act like you're acting right now (keeping your distance) because it's a 2-way street on the road of friendship.

 

Personally, some people have hidden feelings so I would ask her why does it always have to take you to reach out to her and would advise her that she's making you feel as if you're the only one concerned about the relationship.

[Jackiedandy]

I've been the friend in this situation too. Although I've always been told, "well, if you never invite people out, no one will ever invite you out!"

 

But, I've changed a couple of things. Over the past few years, I've gotten to know different people, gained confidence and started to reject my fear of rejection and learned patience.

 

Some people hang out with friends every night, but for me, it may be once or twice a month - And I'm grateful for this.

 

For the particular person you're talking about OP, I think you should just step back. If she has issues, she has to discover them on her own. If friendship is important to her, hopefully she'll realize it's a two-way street.

[gluestick]

Yes, I've been through the very same thing and I got tired of being the one who was always reaching out to her and guess what; I still haven't heard from her in years so that tells me a lot and just how she felt about me and valued me as a person as well as a so-called friend.

 

I wouldn't end the friendship before talking to her but I would simply just act like you're acting right now (keeping your distance) because it's a 2-way street on the road of friendship.

 

Personally, some people have hidden feelings so I would ask her why does it always have to take you to reach out to her and would advise her that she's making you feel as if you're the only one concerned about the relationship.

 

 

Actually I've asked her before in the past. Her response was "I don't know" so I just let it drop. She also told me that if she calls anyone to hang out and that person didn't pick up her phone call, then she'd never call back again. This just puzzles me.

 

I agree with most posters...seems it'll be best to just let the friendship fade out or let her make the contact sometime.

[apriliarsv]

My own opinion is that I feel guilty if I were to drop this friendship because I have known her for so many years. On the flip side, I'm tired of always being the one initiating contact. Given that she stays home all the time and doesn't interact with anyone outside of work, her negativity and skewed perception of the real world is emotionally draining on me sometimes.

 

I have a pretty similar situation going on with a friend which is partly the reason that brought me to join this forum. My friend bounces from hiding in the house to ditching me when I do contact him for his co-workers, people he puts on a front with, but regardless, here's my take on your situation.

 

Many times when venting about my situation, I've been told me that I shouldn't feel bad about letting people go who are bringing me down. That may sound pretty cruel, but a friendship is a two way street. While it's not always about getting something from the other person (because, hey, sometimes your friends are going through hard times and do need that push to get out of the house, to hang out, whatever), a simple sign of appreciation for you spending time with them is something! To be kicked aside, ditched fr other people or fought with just to hang out is ridiculous.

 

If your friend is always down when you see her, that is just draining to you, and she needs to realize that will push people away.

 

Have you tried to find out why she's now so down and pessimistic? Maybe there's a reason, maybe she needs to talk about something? Sometimes it's hard to get to the root of the issue, but it could be worth trying to investigate if you want to salvage the friendship. Sometimes people need a good bit of digging at unfortunately, but it could help in the long run.