7 months on and healed

[Jimbly]

This post ended up a bit longer than intended, but I am feeling pretty good right now!

 

7 months post-BU and I find myself visiting these forums very infrequently. When I do stop by, I see others where I was a week, a month or 3 months post-BU, and know that eventually they will be in the place I'm now at. And it's a good place.

 

I found out last night my ex has been dating somebody new for a couple of months. Yes, I Facebook stalked and saw a photo ](*,) My reaction has been pretty indifferent. It's somebody she started hanging out with on a co-ed sports team a month before we broke up. My brain went through the possibilities "Did she dump me because she was interested in him? When did they get together?", but then I thought '"What does it matter?"

 

She invited me to her graduation party a few weeks ago. Obviously I didn't go. It was pretty strange since we've had hardly any contact post-BU and haven't spoken since the end of March. Even stranger since her new BF would most likely be there. Yeh, that wouldn't be awkward at all Another example of her lack of empathy and people skills to add to the tally. She suggested meeting to catch up sometime, to which I didn't respond. I mean really, what's the point?

 

I've been dating somebody exclusively for about 3 months now, after dating around a bit. My new GF is crazy about me in a way my ex never was. I've been hesitant, partly because I don't want to go through what I went through with my ex, partly because there are a few things about her I'm not sure about (she likes to shop a bit too much!), but also because part of me was worried about what I would do if my ex contacted me again and wanted to catch up. What if my ex wanted to get back together? What if I couldn't resist the urge to meet up and it set me way back? I wouldn't want to be an asshat and mess my new GF around.

 

Well, now I know that I have no desire to even talk to my ex, let alone get back together. Seeing her with somebody else didn't make me freak out. In fact, my main thought is...it was so predictable that she would end up with a guy from her co-ed team. When we broke up, she said she wasn't ready to commit, and wanted to know that she could be by herself. I guess that was just a line...she just wasn't into me

 

So seeing and knowing that she is with someone else, which would have crushed me 6 months ago, is a really good thing. I finally feel a sense of relief. The indifference I'm feeling shows me I've healed. I can move on completely and not worry about the "what ifs?"

 

I spent some time this morning thinking how amazing my new GF is, and how much of a better fit she is for me. She knows that I've been burned in the past and has been really patient with my reserved nature when it comes to expressing myself. Now I know I'm ready to open up to her more and commit more fully to our relationship. It feels amazing.

 

Getting dumped in such a casual way, when everything seemed to be going well was truly awful. The first 2 months were incredibly difficult. Low self-esteem, depression, obsessive thoughts, inability to sleep....slowly things got better. The advice on these forums played a huge part in that. Go NC and socialize/keep busy.

 

I went to therapy, started to work out again (which I had been doing anyway until the BU), took up a new hobby (bouldering), read a lot of books (some about relationships and some not), made new friends, reconnected with old ones and family, went on dates, and most importantly.....maintained NC as much as possible. There was a single, one-sided phone conversation and a few texts/emails about catching up, but I told her in early June that I was leaving initiating contact up to her. Now, even if she initiates, I'm not going to bother responding.

 

It's amazing how when you get to this point, and look back at all the advice on these forums, you realize most of it is 100% right. While the first month post BU I was a mess, after that I think I did a pretty good job of following the 2 Golden Rules - NC and keep busy. In addition, I developed a more positive outlook of myself. The book "Getting Past Your Breakup: How to Turn a Devastating Loss into the Best Thing That Ever Happened to You" really helped me with this.

 

In time, things will get better. Follow the Golden rules, and you'll learn more about yourself, experience new things, and meet new people. You'll realize that your happiness begins inside you, and shouldn't depend on other people. You'll be a stronger person. Your next relationship will be better than your last. In a way, the dumper has given you a gift - an opportunity for introspection and growth that they won't get.

 

So hang in there, and thank you ENA forums for your guidance

[mbee]

Love these posts! I'm so happy you could share! This always gives me hope! I'm itching for time to fly so that I'll be indifferent. Stay strong and I am truly very happy for you!

[SooSad33]

Very good, glad things are going better. (still 'feeling' sad n lonely here.. 4 mos. after ltr).

Some days harder than others- because i love him and have for so long.. then to just lose it all. Really does hurt

But.. I keep going.

Someday, I'm sure, i will find me some happiness again.

 

Wish YOU the best! keep us informed. tc

[dereitis]

Well, this is where I hope to be. Were you madly in love with this woman? Thought she would be the only one? I love success stories!

[ChellyV]

Always remember you and only you can lead yourself to healing and genuinely moving on.

Hats off to you. I am off and on for the past 3 months, but am managing quite well. Yep..do not facebook stalk. Not everyone is as strong as you are...

[Jimbly]

Well, this is where I hope to be. Were you madly in love with this woman? Thought she would be the only one? I love success stories!

 

I love success stories too. Everybody that visits these forums will succeed, whether it's reconciliation or healing. It might take different people different amounts of time, but it will happen. The hardest part is learning from our mistakes, and working out exactly what we want in our next relationship. Don't settle. If there is a red flag, or a lot of orange flags, trust your instincts and run.

 

We were together almost 2 years. I wouldn't say I was "madly" in love with her. As I've got older I've become more of a slow burner type - it takes a long time for me to really fall in love, but when I do it's extremely deeply. I also express how I feel by "doing" rather than verbalizing, which is a problem for some people I've dated.

 

Being with her was the happiest I've ever been with anybody, and I couldn't imagine being with anybody else. The last couple of months before the BU, I'd introduced her to my daughter as my GF, and we'd gone on a trip over New Years to her home state and I'd met all her friends. I felt things were progressing in a more permanent direction, which is what I definitely wanted.

 

When we broke up, she said she was really happy and things were going so well, but she wasn't ready to commit to something permanent. While it came out of the blue, the warning signs were there in hindsight.

 

While we were compatible in a lot of ways, I can now see where we weren't a good fit. Two avoidant personalities don't work well together! This is one of the orange flags that I should have paid attention to when we started dating. To quote her we had an "extremely happy, but complacent, relationship". There was no real spark. For some people that matters, but for me, being happy overall is the main thing. However, that should have been an orange flag too. There are also some pretty negative aspects of her personality that I was blind to, which have been pointed out to me by friends. The past few months I've got much better at spotting these things quickly, and they would have been more orange flags.

 

As for my new GF, like everybody else she has flaws. The key point, however, is that we talk about things that might be potential problems in the long-term. She tells me what she needs from me and I tell her what I need from her. We've told each other what warning signs to watch out that indicate we're upset or unhappy. I'm still not great at communicating, but I'm getting better. It helps that she is one of the most confident and outgoing people I've met. She also has her **** together, and knows exactly what she wants in life.

 

A couple of weeks ago, I thought about all the things I've done since we broke up, and all the new people I've met. If we hadn't broken up, I wouldn't have had all these new experiences. I've definitely become more of a "glass half full" person.

[JagzOrDaFlash]

Your post gave me a lot of hope for true happiness in the future. Thanks for sharing your story.

[Jimbly]

Your post gave me a lot of hope for true happiness in the future. Thanks for sharing your story.

 

I read your first thread from yesterday. I'm so sorry to hear what happened to you. The replies you got were on the button. You can't change what happened, so don't beat yourself up. Being angry is good, don't hold it in, but obviously don't let it out on yourself or other people. In a situation like yours, do not let her weasel her way back into your life. She will just play with you again. If you are in contact, go NC. If in NC, stick with it. Focus on yourself, and learn from the experience.

 

It will take time (weeks to months) to get over this, but it will get better.

[Kittykat12]

My timeframe is the same . When did you go NC ?

 

I have only been for a short while - probably why I dont feel "healed" yet. But I am feeling so much better, and the indifference is setting in.

[Jimbly]

A week post-BU we both agreed to have 1 month NC. When I tried to reconnect, she was incredibly rude on the phone. Made no effort to engage in the conversation. I then went NC and broke it after 6 weeks. She suggested meeting up, then backed out. 3 more weeks NC, then I suggested meeting up again. She declined, and that was when I told her I wouldn't contact her again. Then she broke NC after 10 weeks to invite me to her party and if I couldn't make it, she suggested a meet up. I responded to say I couldn't make the party. That was 3 weeks ago. It's a bit sad that we resort to these games....

 

Apart from that one phone call way back at the end of March, all out contact has been 2-3 texts and a couple of short, business-like emails.

 

So the contact has been very minimal, and I started dating people casually a couple of weeks post-BU. It was 4 months before I felt ready to date more seriously. And it was only yesterday when I found out that she is with somebody else that I realized I am over it.

 

The best part is that I've now learned what to do if I ever go through this again, which will hopefully be never

 

So the longest period of NC has been 10 weeks. It sped by!

[Kittykat12]

Good news

 

Yes, I have learnt what to do too if it ever happens again, and maybe also not to get to the stage that that happens.

[dereitis]

Man oh man. I had red and orange and yellow flags laying all over the field. I was going to "live with them" She was really emotionally unstable and had the most awful anger issues. I know see it for what it is. I'm very very laid back and just want to go through this life being happy. She was extremely tense and I don't think she'll truly ever be happy. We didn't communicate at all. We had nothing in common. All these flags were flying around me for 5 years. I would always tell myself, next time she wants to end it, let it go. I think these gut feelings are so crucial. Now, I'm healing, but still very sad and angry at times. I feel great though. I'm really glad you found someone else and have become indifferent about your ex. I know I'm going to make it, but it's a long road! Hope to be there soon.

[bwhite00]

dereitis, the anger passes man... i let mine out on her and it seems to be gone now and while that might hinder any chance of us getting back together, I DON"T CARE because it's better than holding it in.

[dereitis]

dereitis, the anger passes man... i let mine out on her and it seems to be gone now and while that might hinder any chance of us getting back together, I DON"T CARE because it's better than holding it in.

 

Yeah, I'm ready to be indifferent about her. I keep setting myself back though. It's like being on an awkward vacation and I'm just saving money for a plane ticket.