Your own Journey Through Heartbreak

[Deciduous]

Hi there,

 

A number of people have asked me to post the Journey of Heartbreak on a separate thread. Sometimes it helps to understand what you are going through, and how the process works.

 

I certainly welcome any feedback. So feel free to post your thoughts, ideas and opinions.

 

Hope it helps.

 

Decixxx

 

Heartbreak doesn't heal in a straight linear line. (Because the first week would kill us) It happens in waves. The wave comes in you are swept off your feet and pretty much dead. “Why did it happen? Why did she leave? What could I have done differently? I miss her so much. I feel so lost”

 

Then it sweeps out again and you will feel better. You can just make out the sky. The girl at the Deli looks kind of cute. Then in again and you are back praying for death. Then in and out until the waves get smaller and finally sweep over the horizon. It repeats the process over and over again.

 

That is the process of healing. Your experience is pretty normal.So you broke up a few weeks/months ago and just started feeling better. Then suddenly something happens. And you are back in the depths of despair.

 

This is normal. You are not going back to the beginning. It really is okay to feel what you are feeling.

 

I understand that you are worried. You fear you are starting at the beginning again, but you are not. When the tide goes out, it goes out further each time, dropping lower on the horizon. Still has the power to come storming in.

 

Even in it's finally stages after 6-12 months, it can really shake you up, although it retreats fairly quickly in comparison to the early stages.

 

This isn't a set back. Just your emotions going through their natural cycle. This is not a sign that you will never get over her/him. Just a sign that heartbreak is a tricky business and washes up unexpectedly at times, even when you thought the tide had gone out for good.

 

The way through is not repression or trying hold the wave back, King Canute style. Or denying that you are hurt. Most times you are better off letting it wash up over you, knock you flat, then getting up and going about your business during the reprieve. Sadly most of the healing isn't done during the reprieve. It's done when the wave hits.

 

The head has it's own processes, as counter productive as they seem to us. It's been healing heartbreak for a millennia. Got it's routine down cold. You will come out the other end I promise.

 

Use the reprieve times wisely to rebuild your life externally, building up your interests and friendships, health, body etc. What ever gives you comfort.

 

At the end of the day, the rest of us have been where you are. We have survived. Haven't done it with style of grace (nobody does) but we have survived. The anger you are feeling, the raw rage - was always going to come. The sad days, and the days or despair. I know how painful it is to experience it, but it does get better - eventually, it does get better.

 

So hold on. Just hold on.

 

Heartbreak usually goes 5 tried stages. They are there for a purpose. That purpose is not meaningless suffering.

link removed

 

1. Denial

The mind knows what you can cope with at any given time and sometimes it will outright lie to you, to make sure you make it to the next week. It is a critical protection mechanism so you aren't overwhelmed with "too much reality" at any given time, which will having you heading for the nearest cliff. It's purpose is to keep you alive. It isn't fault in the mechanism. It's a safety feature.

 

2. Anger

You need to acknowledge what happened. Acknowledge how unfairly you have been treated. This helps you adjust your behaviour in future. Or assists you to maintain standards of self-esteem in the next relationship. It is a crital mechanism that helps improve your next relationship.

 

3. Bargining

You beg and plead for them to come back. By knowing you did everything you possibly could to avoid heartbreak and loss allows you to move to the next stage. It is a critical mechanism that will eventually lead to acceptance. If you don't try everything you may always have doubts about whether it could have worked which would lead to ambivilance in your next relationship. "Hey, maybe me and Susie could have worked it out if only I'd tried harder. Maybe she was the one"

4. Depression

This is when you shut yourself off and spend time analysing relationships in general and your relationship in particular. You experience sorrow and bitterness on the surface, but deep down you start shaping your ideas about relationships and what you want for the future. It is a critical mechanism to plan for next relationship and fully grieve the one just gone."

 

5. Acceptance

There is simply no where else to go but up. You have had every thought, every emotion and feeling you possibly be could about the relationship. You have been to hell and back. The victory is that you can truly see your former partner for the person they really were. There is no illusion. You can see their flaws realistically. They were not the one for you. You look optimistically to the future and you are now keen to try out everything you have learnt about relationships.

 

You usually you jump backwards and forwards between these stages. Some-times you experience more than one at a time.

 

On the surface you are in deep pain, lost and confused and stumbling about in the dark. To your friends and observers it looks like erratic lunancy. But under the surface you are steadily making your way to becoming a whole person again, who is free to truly love.

 

All the best

 

 

Decixxx

[wildflower_65]

It was a good idea to post the Journey of Heartbreak. It will be invaluable to those in the midst of it. It is familiar territory for me and when I embarked on the journey I looked to those further along the road - Dagless, KG, 15 Storeys, Lonewing etc. Simply knowing what you are experiencing is normal is a comfort

[mhowe]

It was a good idea to post the Journey of Heartbreak. It will be invaluable to those in the midst of it. It is familiar territory for me and when I embarked on the journey I looked to those further along the road - Dagless, KG, 15 Storeys, Lonewing etc. Simply knowing what you are experiencing is normal is a comfort

 

Absolutely love your 2 tag lines....

[Deciduous]

It was a good idea to post the Journey of Heartbreak. It will be invaluable to those in the midst of it. It is familiar territory for me and when I embarked on the journey I looked to those further along the road - Dagless, KG, 15 Storeys, Lonewing etc. Simply knowing what you are experiencing is normal is a comfort

 

Thanks, Wildflower,

 

Wish ENA was around when I was 23 and going through my own first heartbreak. I remember some-one told me the best thing to do was to cry about it for month, then forget it and find some-one else.

 

I was plenty disappointed in myself when that didn't happen. Mhowe is right. Very inspiring tag lines. - Deci

[mhowe]

Decid--- you give awesome advice and resources. You are not supposed to "know" at 23...it is all part of the journey and the discovery!!

 

I am actually glad I didn't have this as a resource as a 20+ year old....I figured it out on my own. It wasn't until much later in life, when STRESS and LIFE, in the really big picture, allowed me to see (from posts from TiredTiger, Oshen, etc.) that there was a way to let go...with love.

 

And get on with my life...as I always had, in my younger days.

 

I am here now, because I will be eternally grateful for the wisdom I found. And the self knowledge, reinforced, to hold to my boundaries and continue forward...as hard as it is to do.

[nfperception]

Decid--- you give awesome advice and resources. You are not supposed to "know" at 23...it is all part of the journey and the discovery!!

 

I am actually glad I didn't have this as a resource as a 20+ year old....I figured it out on my own. It wasn't until much later in life, when STRESS and LIFE, in the really big picture, allowed me to see (from posts from TiredTiger, Oshen, etc.) that there was a way to let go...with love.

 

And get on with my life...as I always had, in my younger days.

 

I am here now, because I will be eternally grateful for the wisdom I found. And the self knowledge, reinforced, to hold to my boundaries and continue forward...as hard as it is to do.

 

Why is that? To me, in my opinion, I like to have the knowledge before-hand, and not get side-swiped.

[mhowe]

Why is that? To me, in my opinion, I like to have the knowledge before-hand, and not get side-swiped.

 

Because there are very few people in the world that will take and truly hear the wisdom of others. Experience is the best teacher.

 

Nf...you don't listen to what you hear here...you always say "yes, but". And that is fine. Learn the hard way, through experience.

[nfperception]

Because there are very few people in the world that will take and truly hear the wisdom of others. Experience is the best teacher.

 

Nf...you don't listen to what you hear here...you always say "yes, but". And that is fine. Learn the hard way, through experience.

 

Oh, I do listen, just had people in my past lie to me so much to my face, that I question things/what people say.

[mhowe]

Well, then --- you will not hear what people say. And that is fine.

 

I am saying that, perhaps, I am different. I did what I did, without an internet forum, when I was younger and going thru heartbreak. When it happened a few years ago; I read hear and listened. And took the advice.

 

And I learned that sometimes, my thought process might have been wrong. So, against maybe what I wanted to do, I learned from those before me that had made it through to the other side.

 

And...I succeeded! From the wisdom of strangers...who said..."walk away". Let go with love.

I thought that is what I should do, but I had doubts, like so many here. But I listened...and I thought "hmm, I have nothing more in my quiver"...and followed their advice.

[nfperception]

Well, then --- you will not hear what people say. And that is fine.

 

I am saying that, perhaps, I am different. I did what I did, without an internet forum, when I was younger and going thru heartbreak. When it happened a few years ago; I read hear and listened. And took the advice.

 

And I learned that sometimes, my thought process might have been wrong. So, against maybe what I wanted to do, I learned from those before me that had made it through to the other side.

 

And...I succeeded! From the wisdom of strangers...who said..."walk away". Let go with love.

I thought that is what I should do, but I had doubts, like so many here. But I listened...and I thought "hmm, I have nothing more in my quiver"...and followed their advice.

 

I'm not asking you this to start an argument, I like having different view points on things. I like knowing how people view things, and often times, it changes my view on that topic (depending on the topic).

 

I know who I am, and I don't need people's approval of it.

 

Thank you for responding, and taking the time to answer my question. I appreciate it.

[Deciduous]

Experience is the best teacher. Learn the hard way, through experience.

 

That is very true. Wisdom through experience. There are some things we can't just be told. But I do wish that I'd had some-one to validate my experience. This is what I mean. Some-one or a guide to say..."Yours is the common garden variety Heartbreak. You aren't going nuts. It's tediously normal, luv."

 

Yes, it still would have hurt. But I wouldn't have felt such an excessive weirdo. There were many books on how to be happy, back then. How to cultivate positive emotions. Yet none on how to be miserable and survive.

 

Well meaning friends would tell me "He was a loser. He treated you like crap. You can't still be stuck on him. Get a grip." They were trying to help, but it made me feel wrong and a bit defective for having such strong feelings of rage, sadness, sorrow and humiliation.

 

I felt this really slowed the process down. To a crawl. There was lots of repression, self deception and even self-hatred due to external opinion on my progress. It was only when I was 30 when I spoke to a colleague, in casual conversation, about her own heartbreak, that I truly stopped feeling humiliated about that episode.

 

It really changed me.

 

I can also understand NFP's point, where understanding the process allows for a greater ability to cope with such overwhelming emotions.

 

Too be honest, I think different people respond to different ways of getting through it.

 

Deci

[mhowe]

I agree. When I finally walked away from a toxic 8 yr relationship, only to hear the "women" of the town tell me he was my destiny...I thought..."really...I would rather step in front of a bus".!!!

 

It is hard to hear through stories, or some one elses' wisdom... but learn, we will. Through whatever means possible.

 

And we will live to see another day, another sunset...perhaps, another love.

[aw4919]

I honestly don't know if I would have gotten through my situation without the advice on this forum. I was so devastated in the beginning that I temporarily lost my ability to even think. Mhowe, you in particular have been so instrumental in my healing, and even as a stranger, I can't thank you enough. Deci, what you said about just needing to know I was normal and not going to be permanently shattered was dead on.

 

I'm still only at about 90%, but each day is getting better and better, and I've grown more in the past 4 months than in the past 5 years. I feel like a butterfly finally getting ready to break out of my cocoon, and it makes me very happy. I've found myself, and I've gained my existence as a complete and unique entity. That's a bit philosophical, I know, but out of the most terrible experience of my life, I've gained something insanely valuable. And its inside of me and can never be taken away.

 

So thank you again for all of your inspiring words. Thank you for helping me to keep hope alive.

[mhowe]

Wow. Thanks.