General advice needed. Thanks...

[muso]

Hi all, just looking for some general opinions/advice on my situation, any and all responses appreciated.

 

Background is I'm a 35 y/o guy and I am dating a 31 y/o girl who I met online 3 months ago. We hit it off pretty much straight away and have been seeing each other regularly and have been in pretty much constant contact via messaging since then. We have both been single for a number of years before we met. We share similar interests, she's funny and attractive and she seems to really like me. In the time we've been dating I have helped her move house and done other favours she has asked of me, like picking her up from friend's places after she's had some drinks etc - none of this is a problem as I don't mind doing it.

 

One of the problems is that for the past few weeks I'm starting to have some doubts. I find myself becoming annoyed really easily about a lot of things she says to me, which I would characterize as 'nagging'. For example, if I am washing dishes or stacking a dishwasher, she will tell me I'm not doing it right and either tell me how to do it properly, or re-do it herself in front of me. This is just one example, but this happens a lot. If I say something is one way, she will say 'No, it's this way...'. This is really annoying to me and when I have mentioned it to her, she has either gotten really defensive and basically sulked about it or other times just said 'I'm just a bossy person' and that she would try not to do it, but of course it continues to happen.

 

Another problem is the constant messaging, we are constantly in contact from first thing in the morning til last thing at night. I liked it at first, but now it is also becoming annoying to me. She doesn't like the job she has at the moment and will regularly message me telling me things like she's bored or that she hates her job. I try and be understanding about it, but after several weeks hearing the same thing it's starting to grate on me.

 

And finally, this last weekend we went away for a few days together for the first time. Most of the time it was an an enjoyable trip, but several times she started sulking about things like me asking her not to nag me about something. Yesterday, on our last morning away she started sulking about something first thing in the morning, and I had no idea what. When I asked her what's wrong she said the classic 'nothing' and I got the silent treatment for the next couple of hours. Eventually this annoyed me to the point where I yelled at her and stormed off. Then I get a message saying she finds it hard to talk about things and that she's sad because I didn't hug her at a certain point that morning when she asked, and that I didn't have breakfast with her - which she didn't even ask me to do. She said that she feels like the longer we're together the less I like her.

 

So.. I guess what I'm asking is, are these just normal couple issues that people just learn to do deal with in relationships (I haven't been in one for a while so I'm not sure) and so I should persevere with things? I am an easily annoyed person at the best of times, so maybe I'm just acutely aware of these things that might not be a big deal to other people? She has a lot of good qualities and we do have fun together a lot of the time, but it feels right now like the ratio of fun to not-fun is changing somewhat.

 

Ok I better do some work now, thanks for reading!

[chai714]

Sounds like normal "pet peeves" that most people encounter when spending a significant amount of time with someone else. To help keep things fresh, spread out your communication with her and make sure to diversify your sources of happiness. For example, spend time away from her with your friends, family, or participating in something you enjoy without her, on a regular basis. Don't respond to her during work hours or spread out communication. You can intentionally do these things and it will make her want you more, so long as you deliver emotional fulfillment when you see her. Good luck.

[muso]

Thanks, that seems like solid advice. Still interested in any other opinions... cheers.

[abitbroken]

Set a boundary. If she keeps telling you that you do the dishes wrong say "I have an idea. Why don't I make dessert while you do the dishes. I know that I don't do the dishes how you like them, and you do like my chocolate cake. I will clean up after dessert. it will solve a lot of trouble." Or "I will cook and you clean".

 

Also, I think the punishing you for not hugging her at the right moment is passive aggressive. How could you please someone in that case? I might tell her that you can't read her mind.

[abitbroken]

btw, 3 months is a little early to get into regularly doing chores together. Are you actually doing the dating type thing? I think the irritation also comes from having an "instant relationship" and not going through the stages of courtship. You are already doing dishes with her, helping her move, picking her up when she is drunk. The moving is okay as long as you are not the primary person doing it - it is sweet to offer to come by but the dishes and the constant tasks - way too early. And she is texting you way too much.

[bulletproof]

It seems that three months is sort of a make-it-or-break-it point for a lot of couples. I feel like if you make it to three months and you're still in the honeymoon phase, then you have long-term potential (just my opinion, of course). Right now it seems like you're too annoyed, too soon. And the communication between you two is not so good, if she is sulking and you are yelling and storming off.

 

I think I personally would walk away from this, but everyone is different, of course.

[abitbroken]

bulletproof makes a great point. Either you guys should be loveydovey hearts and unicorns right now, or if not, you should be at the phase of gradually getting to know eachother if that is more your pace. If you are already auditioning for the role of the Costanza parents, then what will it be like in three months to a year when you both really let your hair down?

[muso]

Thanks for the responses all. I think it is fair to say that we have rushed into things a little and are in more of the 'instant relationship' situation rather than dating, we agreed very early on that we didn't want to see other people. I can definitely see now that this is not the ideal approach, as feelings can change over not-so-much time. I do like her and there are some great things about her, so I think I will give it a little more time, but try and start inserting a little more 'space' into the relationship... although quite how to go about that I'm not sure

[bulletproof]

You could just try being very up front about it. Tell her the truth- that you feel like you guys rushed into things and you would like a bit of breathing room. I suspect that if she was unhappy because you didn't hug her at the right time, then she will really dislike the idea of space, but maybe it's something she needs to hear. Maybe tell her that you don't want to date other people, you still want to date her, but that you are starting to get a little anxious with the intensity/pace of things.

[muso]

I think you're right - that is probably the best approach, and that she is probably not going to be happy about it. I will just have to try and find the right time to bring it up, if there is one! Thanks for the response.

[abitbroken]

You can also create it by simply not messaging her back quickly at work and simply telling her that you are not able to message all day at work any more. And stick to it. Only answer at lunch or break after work - you'll have a more quality response that way. Set a boundary and see how that works. It might be easier to TAKE your space than to have a big "TALK." Does that make sense? You will know pretty soon whether she can take it or not. You will know if your doubts are more real if she freaks out about it. If she won't give you space when you ask for it in that way and follow your lead - then you will have to have a "TALK".

 

If you follow that approach, you will not have to worry about the right time. It can be matter of fact. Or in the course of the work day, you can text that to her as she is interfering with your work.

 

Then set another boundary after you see how that one works - either to the positive or the negative - you will either see progress of break up

[Unreasonable]

If you consider her "nagging" now, it's probably not going to get better, sorry to say.

[muso]

Thanks for the responses again... definitely a fair bit to think about. Why does this stuff have to be so complicated!?

[abitbroken]

Thanks for the responses again... definitely a fair bit to think about. Why does this stuff have to be so complicated!?

 

Its actually fairly simple on paper

 

1 Your relationship is very new.

2. When a relationship is new, people put their best foot forward

3. If you are having big difficulties in the beginning that don't involve distance and its all personal stuff, how will things be down the road?

4 Are you getting any enjoyment out of this relationship. I am not talking her qualities "on paper" of being pretty, has a good job, donates to charity, likes to watch movies - things that make her "likeable in theory" - but how you relate - is there any ease to things?

 

3-6 or 8 months is when we really find out about eachother and continue - or not.