In desperate need of advice - Please help me

[hope is fading]

My wife of 8 yrs is on the virge of leaving me. I have not been an affectionate enough husbanddue to childhood issues of my own, now she thinks that the only value I place on her is sex. This is not the case at all. But lets rewind a bit... about 5 yrs ago, we had a terrible fight. I was not fullfilling the above mentioned affection issue. I was not being fullfilled sexually. well stupidly I suggested an open marriage. There have been times when we have closed things for awhile, but during sex she always brought it up so then i would suggest re-opening things.

Her explanation for this was that while you may have fantasize about things that doesn't mean you want to do them in real life. I tried to have an open mind and encourage her to fulfill those if she felt she needed to. It turns out that she felt forced into it out of fear that our marriage would end. Now through one of her relations she thinks she may be in love with him... I love her with all of my heart, and I can't even begin to imagine my life without her.

She has not left yet, but is certainly considering it. She says that if I loved and respected her than this would never have happened.

Now add in to the mix that there have been times in our life in the heat of argument when I have hurt her or scared her. I have never hit her, but have pushed her up against the wall and once in an attempt to do that my hand ended up on her throat.

She tells me that while she still loves me and that at heart I am a good person and great father to our children, she is not in love with me anymore.

I love her dearly, and I want to make things right for us, and our family

(2 kids). She has not yet decided if she can forgive me enough to even try to fix things.

I know the old adage about if "you love something set it free" but at the same time, her and the kids are the center of my life. I need help to restore her sense of safety and trust in me and in US.

I am beginning counceling for my own emotional issues, as well as anger management. She is not ready for counceling yet, so that is not an option.

What else is there that I can do... everyone says to show her that you love her... I am and have been trying that. Bubble-baths, cards, making her breakfast, I always make her first cup of coffee each day.

 

She is angry that I cry when she says hurtful things, and i try not to let it bother me...or show that it does. I have never been a very open person, and I have opened myself completely to her in an effort to let her see how much I care and to be ready if she is ever ready to try and work things out.

 

How can I show her that she means everything to me, and that I love her as an individual, as a person too?

 

Someone please help me....

 

hope is fadin fast

[XrucuX]

you love her go get her and show her how you know you can be the man she married, take her to dinner or clean the house something nice...its the best way to show u care.

[Phoenix Down]

Be the man she fell in love with. Do something way off the wall, but also very very thoughtful. What does she like to do?

[tiger_lilies]

It's not just doing stuff for her that will win her back...and it's not just doing the stuff once. You have to continuously show her that she comes number one in your life. This will take a long time...I talking years!

 

Don't expect to make her coffee in the morning and she'll all of a sudden fall madly in love with you again. You have to be consciencious of everything you do for her.

 

You must date her again. Get the kids a babysitter and make quality time with her.

[Ravengrim]

If you love her as much as you say, then you will put your childhood issues aside and become what she needs. I had a really bad childhood, so I can make a qualified statement and say that using that as an excuse is a cop-out for just not doing things that you dont want to do. You are not a child anymore. You need to put the past where it belongs or you wont have a future. And suggesting an open marriage was possibly the worst thing that could have been done. You basically told her "Im not willing to give you what you need, why dont you try to find it somewhere else?". Its not over yet, but it will be soon unless you grow up and act like a husband.

[evy38]

You both need to deal with your issues, learn to communicate and forgive. For that you are going to need the mediation only thearpy will be able to provide. Time to dump the open marrige thing and address the sexual issues. Again, you need expert help with this too.

[Vampiremoon9]

Now Im not married but I do live with someone who has some serious problems showing affection and I know coming from a woman's perspective that its important we have that validation we are desirable, sexy and most of all WANTED!. Your lack of affection is the root to your problems and its a delicate issue to tackle. Your wife is tired of doing all the romancing and being the aggressor in love for it feels out of sink. A man should be the one to pursue and woo her not the other way around and when a man neglects us emotionally we starve for affection. For months now you've only offered her a partially developed, uncommited relationship that goes on and on with out a foundation to stand on. She is scared and feels slighted and alone.

 

Going over board with the flowers, bubbles and such only say to a woman that your kissing up and when you get comfy it will all fall apart again that you're not sincere or ready to go the distance and she is left with that gaping hole called her heart.

 

Try sitting down without any distraction like kids or the phone ringing off the wall and talk about your feelings and express to her gently that she means the world to you and some how you have let things get all muddy by forgetting about her feelings and it was all about you. Tell her without tears for if you start crying she see's you as less masculine and will not respect you. Reach down deep and dust off that masculinity you once had that she was so attracted to and put it back on.

 

Tell her you never meant for her to be pushed into the arms of another and the very idea makes you mad with jealousy for you never intended to share her. Tell her you decision to an "open" marriage was wrong and never felt right and you want her back. Talk with a gentle possessiveness but not sounding abusive. She needs to know she can depend on you not to fall apart, stand tall and be accounted for and above all be the man of the house someone she and her children can lean on for stability.

 

So far this crying jag only makes her cringe and looking longingly at the other man in hopes he can be what she desires most..the man you once were.

[hope is fading]

I am amazed and very grateful for all that replied. I certainly did not expect any so soon. I would like to send a special thank you out to VampireMoon.

 

Thank you all very much!!!