For the ladies who thought u cld never stop loving(fall out of love) with abuser

[Notagoodninja]

Sorry the headline would only allow me so many words

 

I just wanted to give you HOPE

If you read my zillions of posts the last 2 years here at Enotalone, you will follow me on my journey of being abused. I was madly in love/ head over heels/infatuated/ with an abuser. I was with him for 7 years. I was emotionally abused, I was physically abused (so much that he went to jail for it for awhile) and mentally abused. He tried to kill me, he made me bleed, he made me cry, he left bruises all over my body he destroyed my self worth. My hair fell out constantly, I was sick in the hospital. I was so stressed out I was taking stuff like blood pressure medication. Again I was always sick.

I cried myself to sleep every night

I was a nervous wreck

I prayed every day that God would help me get over him so I would stop going back

I curled up in the shower every night crying my eyes out...for 7 years....

 

I just want you to know that a month ago I stopped loving him.

 

I mean, I just stopped- it was like- I had hit rock bottom I don't understand how God helped me so much or why He did but I wanted you to know that after I went back to this abuser 7 years (we prob had 100 breakups in 7 years) (I would always go back, because I was madly in love with him)

 

I am not in love. I don't love him. I don't think about him.

In the past I would dream about him 24/7 and then wake up panicking and sweating with PTSD

He would say jump and I would say how high?

If he begged for me back after abusing me and come after me with sweet manipulative love letters and texts and phone calls I would rush back into his arms.

 

But I just wanted to let you know, I am not in love with him anymore I never thought in a MILLION YEARS I would one day wake up- and be done and over with him.

But I am. 100%%%%

Before, I would think I would just DIE if he was with another woman. It would have brought me to a sure suicide.

 

When I stopped loving him- I suddenly viewed him as an acquaintance instead of someone who had formerly been my world.

He seems like a passer by, not even someone I knew!!

I can tell you right now, I don't think about him in the day or night anymore.

I dont feel hurt or mad or sad or glad regarding him

I don't care if he dates women or sleeps with the hottest models on the planet- it means literally 0 difference to me than if a stranger slept with hot models, seriously

Its the oddest thing let me tell you........................................

 

All I can tell you is to pray, every night for 7 years even when I was on cloud 9 of his emotional roller coaster- I would send a little prayer to God and say - GOD PLEASE help me stop loving this man....

 

And I have no idea why 7 years later it happened but a situation occurred and I was done and I walked out the door I never looked back I am never going back.

I hope that helps you guys have hope because if you read through my posts you will know I'm a survivor like each of you. And YEAH it is possible to one day just wake up and be over your abuser!!

[Notagoodninja]

And it stinks but when you go back with an abuser so many times, your friends and your family- they stop believing you. and you know what I mean!! They don't believe you and they assume you are going to get back. and each time you mean it and you have good intentions too! But to help my fellow abused peeps out there see there is hope, my ex- he has showered me with emails poems love letters/ dedicates a song every day to me / talks to people about me trying to win me back

He says all this stuff about how he "loves me to death"

I dont' respond, ladies I am not even TEMPTED to ...at ALL!!! I have 0 feeling

its as if a complete stranger was sending me things and I feel confused if anything...like "why is this stranger sending me this?" seriously, it's crazy! i just can't believe it either, for us abused women- it' a true miracle- and if it happened to me it can definitely happen to anyone! it doesn't make sense- i truly consider it the hugest blessing!

[Mb1212]

Can't wait till I'm at that point I've moved on and for the most part I'm over my abuser but he still has the power to use his sweet words to manipulate me into believing he's changed. I just went no contact again yesterday. Proud of you girl for completely moving on. I know how strong you must be and am anxious for the day im as strong as you!

[Notagoodninja]

Can't wait till I'm at that point I've moved on and for the most part I'm over my abuser but he still has the power to use his sweet words to manipulate me into believing he's changed. I just went no contact again yesterday. Proud of you girl for completely moving on. I know how strong you must be and am anxious for the day im as strong as you!

 

Hi!!

Hey it's not about strength at all! believe me!! I went back a zillion times...he would say all this stuff and I believed him he sweet talked me every time and i went running to his arms...

All my gfs always told me to be strong but I was not, I don't think there is any way to be strong against an abuser! I tried so hard to be "strong" and "leave" I'd get physically ILL

No girl, it was prob that for 7 years I begged God to save my heart from this guy, seriously because I knew I was NOT strong, that's the problem

Trust me, nobody loved harder, deeper or more passionately than me. I waited on him hand and foot I did everything in the world to put this guy on a pedestal he was treated like royalty because of my devotion and loyalty to him

I'm telling you, it was my feeble prayer to God every day, nothing else. how do you wake up one day- something happens and you say- bye- and you walk away forever? it was a miracle.

[top bloke]

Its really awesome to read success stories like these and I am certain they will inspire help quite a few people in physically and mentally abusive relationships who struggle. Thank you

[lavenderdove]

I am happy to hear you feel that way, but one thing i want to point out is that I don't want anyone reading this board to think if they just wait 7 years they will suddenly and magically forget their user, because in that 7 years they could be murdered or seriously and permanently injured.

 

What is most important for women who are 'stuck' on abusers to realize is that there are so many sources of help if they will reach out and look for them... Most important of all is counseling or participating in groups or online resources of other battered woman who help provide support and show the way for how to get out of those relationships.

 

And if you are obsessed with a man, you may suffer from biochemical imbalances that keep you hooked, since obsession has been clearly linked to brain biochemistry and is one of the most successfully treated mental disorders that can be greatly helped with medication.

 

Abused women also need some talk therapy to help them recognize that their romantic ideals of 'standing by their man' may actually kill them in the end, so they need to learn how to separate romantic fantasy from the reality of who their man is and how dangerous the situation really is.

 

Prayer and faith in God can help support many people, but some women get stuck thinking if they just pray enough, their man will mutate into a nice guy, when that never happens with abusers. Your salvation from an abuser is thru reaching out to the many support services that are available to help battered women, and working hard to recognize that love feelings are inappropriate when the person you are obsessed with is an abuser, and you need to save yourself rather than living in that romantic fantasy.

 

I'm glad you have found your way out after 7 years, but nobody should stay with an abuser for 7 years or think that prayer is the only way out or the magical way out, because she could well die or be permanently disabled if she continues to put herself in harm's way for that long.

 

I also suggest that if you were with an abuser for 7 years, you need to consider a course of therapy to help you process that and learn how to avoid such relationships in future and learn what a good relationship is vs. that kind of toxic love.

[Notagoodninja]

I was not condoning staying in an abusive relationship I can however empathize with women who are in abusive relationships which is what they need instead of harsh judgement.

I do not think it is a mental disorder to be in love with a man who gets abusive it's just called life.

You can't put people on meds for falling in love lol geez...

 

I do agree with you however on your last statement about a course of therapy on avoiding such relationships in the future, one can never go wrong with something like this to help better oneself.

[Mb1212]

I was not condoning staying in an abusive relationship I can however empathize with women who are in abusive relationships which is what they need instead of harsh judgement.

I do not think it is a mental disorder to be in love with a man who gets abusive it's just called life.

You can't put people on meds for falling in love lol geez...

 

I do agree with you however on your last statement about a course of therapy on avoiding such relationships in the future, one can never go wrong with something like this to help better oneself.

 

How long have you been out of your abusive relationship? It's been almost a year for me but he keeps getting in contact and it's always constant disappointment. I don't want to hate him but it's come down to that because it's always something new with him he's always hurting me even if it doesn't cut as deep now as it did at the beginning of the break up its still so disappointing he couldn't just be a better person you know? I was doing really well but this week whenever got back in contact I've been pretty down, I know it'll pass in a few days of no contact but ugh I just hate him!

[Notagoodninja]

How long have you been out of your abusive relationship? It's been almost a year for me but he keeps getting in contact and it's always constant disappointment. I don't want to hate him but it's come down to that because it's always something new with him he's always hurting me even if it doesn't cut as deep now as it did at the beginning of the break up its still so disappointing he couldn't just be a better person you know? I was doing really well but this week whenever got back in contact I've been pretty down, I know it'll pass in a few days of no contact but ugh I just hate him!

 

How long were you with him? I am so sorry girl. I lived in a constant state of hate too on our previous break ups.

I just realized that if you hold onto hate- that it's a form of loving them

Kinda like the saying "Love me or hate me, either way you're thinking of me"

haha

 

I just had to wake up and realize let it go...just let it go...truly forget about everything bad that happened, it helps you heal

What abusive thing did he do to you?

[Mb1212]

I posted a thread about our relationship about a month ago that goes in detail but there was a lot of physical and emotional abuse, and manipulation. He really made me feel like I needed him to survive and that I wasn't worthy of love. I'm only 21 now but we first got together when I was 17 and broke up right after my 21st birthday about a year ago.

[Mb1212]

If interested here's my story

[ShatteredBroke]

This really helped me! I feel like everyone gave up on me... I'm losing everyone and everything. It feels like a never ending torture of him being nice, using me, then becoming mean again. Yet I STILL keep going back to this day, lying to my close ones that I'm going to cut ties.

 

I found this website and I thought this might be my last hope. I posted something, got responses, and then saw your post here. I really hope that I will be able to get over this stupid guy some day. I'm sure that I will remember this post and thank you

[Tearsbegone]

Thank you. My heart goes out to everyone. I need to get out of my abusive relationship now- I don't know why I can't do it. He broke up with me a week ago and I can't believe I came back. Why is it so hard to leave? Why am I sad it will hurt him when he has hurt me? I was never like this. I have no clue what happened to me

[Notagoodninja]

Sure no problem. I was in the abusive relationship 7 years madly in love with him and going back every time he strangled me every time he choked me, smashed my head into walls restrained me.....every time he spit on me pulled my hair and called me names and broke everything I destroyed I always went back!

I was desperate for him, for any bone he would throw at me. I don't know why. Nobody could explain my dependence on him and the horrible relationship where I gave 100% and he gave 0%

 

So if you need to talk just let me know, one day your time will come.

[Notagoodninja]

Tearsbegone...

I believe the reason we don't leave is because abusers from the beginning work on getting us to be 100% dependent on them for EVERYTHING and they isolate us from any support (friends and family)

We become like a small child, vulnerable, defenseless, needy. We become a little child, our emotions have become stunted. Of course we come back why wouldn't we..we have been abused and brainwashed by this man the abuser.

[Heart On]

Sure no problem. I was in the abusive relationship 7 years madly in love with him and going back every time he strangled me every time he choked me, smashed my head into walls restrained me.....every time he spit on me pulled my hair and called me names and broke everything I destroyed I always went back!

I was desperate for him, for any bone he would throw at me. I don't know why. Nobody could explain my dependence on him and the horrible relationship where I gave 100% and he gave 0%

 

So if you need to talk just let me know, one day your time will come.

 

If you don't know why how can you help others? Have you ever been in therapy?

 

I do not think it is a mental disorder to be in love with a man who gets abusive it's just called life.

 

 

I do and I can say that after having been in a Toxic marriage for 24 years.

 

Call it Love Addiction removed[/i]

 

Call it Codependency.link removed

 

Call it a Betrayal Bond.link removed addiction)

 

Call it a serious problem in OUR reaction to abuse and how much we are willing to tolerate.

 

Call them men who abuse.link removed

 

Call them Narcissistic.link removed

 

Call them Sociopathic.link removed

 

Call them Love Frauds.link removed

 

Call them abusers and us victims,but do NOT sit around 'praying' they will change back into the men we thought they once were.

Nor will praying change our reactions to them.

 

Healthy choices and actions are what is needed to get out and stay out!

 

Knowledge is power and that power is brought about by facing ourselves and our own demons head on.Facing that we can't BE abused if we don't ALLOW IT.

 

THERAPY is the answer.Working out our own issues with our own lack of self esteem and self worth and self respect.

 

Anyone in this thread or who reads this should face how they react(ed) to thier abuser and then take personal responsibility for staying and changing so you don't wind up blaming them for all and not seeing your own part.That will simply keep you believing you weren't half the problem.

 

 

I was desperate for him, for any bone he would throw at me. I don't know why.Nobody could explain my dependence on him and the horrible relationship where I gave 100% and he gave 0%

 

I can and did in all those links.Because I was you.Difference being I never prayed,I got into therapy and spent years researching why I was so damn DEAF DUMB and BLIND to these men and why I stayed when all I wanted was LOVE and all I found was HATE laced with contempt, sprinkled with apologies and promises of change that NEVER came.And like the millions of women who find themselves 'trapped" or betrayal bonded to thier abusers,not all have found thier way free some have died in the name of Love addiction.

 

RIP ladies.

 

And lastly,most women who wind up in abusive relationships have a history of childhood abuse/trama.

They are conditioned to tolerate abuse,thereby making it easy to become someone's prey.

 

But the bottom line is sadly that NO MAN CAN ABUSE A WOMAN WHO DOESN'T ALLOW IT.

[Cheetarah]

Trust me, nobody loved harder, deeper or more passionately than me. I waited on him hand and foot I did everything in the world to put this guy on a pedestal he was treated like royalty because of my devotion and loyalty to him

 

No, hun. What you did wasn't pure love, either. It was doormat behavior, conditioned and nurtured by his controlling and berating ways. It was keeping the peace in your home, it was survivalism, emotional and physical. It was a desperation for the "good" part of the cycle. It was earning love and not feeling inherently worthy of just simply receiving it.

 

I do not think it is a mental disorder to be in love with a man who gets abusive it's just called life.

You can't put people on meds for falling in love lol geez...

 

It's life as in it happens, but it's not life as in it's normal. There are most definitely emotional and mental issues surrounding a person who has great difficulty walking away from an abusive relationship. I believe people are afraid to talk about that. Because the abused have been consistently utilized AS scapegoats, and because they usually do blame themselves 110% for the downfall of the relationship, a lot of stuff said can sound or feel like victim blaming.

 

It is never your FAULT that someone chose to abuse you in any form. It is never deserved. It is never warranted.

 

A healthy sense of self with proper and solid boundaries is far more likely to flee at the red flags.

 

I just had to wake up and realize let it go...just let it go...truly forget about everything bad that happened, it helps you heal

 

That is impossible and dangerous, to you. Rather than forget or push away, work THROUGH. You push it away and you are liable to have those emotional scars come back and smack you in the face very hard later on. Even worse, finding yourself in a similar situation at another point.

 

I like the above post a lot. Please read those links, they are very good.

[Heart On]

I believe people are afraid to talk about that.

 

I'm not.I know I was a dumb ass who allowed bad men into my life.Of course it was never ALL bad,so I made excuses to stay,but the bad was plenty bad enough to draw the line and end things.No one likes to admit that they aren't 100% a victim,or that they played a role in the situation that kept them getting hurt.Anymore than abusers enjoy admitting they are abusive.

And because they leave us holding the bag of our own pain and walk away for the most part without caring what they have done,we are left blaming them for all? Seems we would be no better than them for doing that.

 

I woke up and realized.....ummmm....if I don't STOP THIS SH*T..........he certainly won't.

 

Because the abused have been consistently utilized AS scapegoats, and because they usually do blame themselves 110% for the downfall of the relationship, a lot of stuff said can sound or feel like victim blaming.

 

I was one of those.A blamed victim,but at some point I had to look inward and realize that there is a difference between blame and taking personal responsibility for our own choices.Someone once told me after thier abuse that I didn't have a "gun to my head" even though it felt like I did,the truth was,Icould have and should have ended the abuse by ending the relationship LONG before it left me feeling like a victim without any say over my own life or protection.

 

Taking personal responsibility for who we love and how they treat us is the ONLY way to keep ourselves from being someone's victim.

[Cheetarah]

I think a lot of things can be embarrassing to reflect on and even more so, a feeling of anger at oneself for having ever gotten so deeply entrenched. Hindsight is 20/20, though. At the time you were acting and behaving in line with your emotional capacity. As you grew things became so much clearer as your emotional and mental capacity and maturity broadened.

 

Comments like the one your ex made are manipulative and especially designed to absolve and justify. I think that's why when people are fresh out, things are pretty black and white for awhile as it is learned to be named...which is important, there's lots of denial. Once you've named it after awhile you realize that alone is not enough. And what's next.

 

Dysfunction and dysfunction go hand in hand and feed off another. Many abusers are repulsed by assertive, no nonsense, wilful potential partners. They are not "easy targets". They don't feel bendy and pliable.

 

I read a good book a few times...it was called, women who love too much. But make no mistake about the title, it's not about love but about co dependence, a lack of a firm sense of self, all those things that attribute to finding oneself trapped in a long term abusive relationship. I really liked the book.

[Heart On]

I'd rather be angry at myself for falling prey and not knowing how to escape sooner,or why I was willing to allow so much when all I felt was pain,than acting as though I had no part in my own downfall and learn nothing about my own part so I stay vulnerable to the same sort of situations and people.As it stands,I am dealing with my son exploiting me and realizing that old habits die VERY hard even when you know all about these Toxic connections.

 

I could answer "YES" to every single Betrayal Bond Index question there was and to me that says something was SERIOUSLY the matter with me.But then again,I was abandoned by my mother,raped as a child,raised by alcoholics,and married a man who was simply the continuation of the familiar.

 

 

I have read that one and many others.

If you liked that one,you'd love this one.

 

link removed

 

Exploitive relationships can create trauma bonds--chains that link a victim to someone who is dangerous to them. Divorce, employee relations, litigation of any type, incest and child abuse, family and marital systems, domestic violence, hostage negotiations, kidnapping, professional exploitation and religious abuse are all areas of trauma bonding. All these relationships share one thing: they are situations of incredible intensity or importance where there is an exploitation of trust or power.

 

In The Betrayal Bond Patrick Carnes presents an in-depth study of these relationships, why they form, who is most susceptible, and how they become so powerful. He shows how to recognize when traumatic bonding has occurred and gives a checklist for examining relationships. He then provides steps to safely extricate from these relationships.

 

 

He doesn't just hold the abuser accountable,he makes it very clear how and why we stay.

[Heart On]

But then again,most people like to just scream victim and call it a day I guess.

[Cheetarah]

They are victims of abuse.

 

It is a long process to deal with the aftermath. Naming it is an important first step for many. How long they need to spend there is at their discretion.

 

I think bringing awareness to the self is a great thing. But everyone's in a different place on the journey. I can't wrap my head around someone fresh out to be able to look within like that. There's so much crap to sift through.

 

I got the betrayal bond on my kindle last night. I'm only about 24% through(whatever page that is), right now. I think that it offers something a lot of other ones don't. More than just the cliche "you were ABC, so this is why you did XYZ It's very interesting so far.

[Heart On]

They are victims of abuse.

 

It is a long process to deal with the aftermath. Naming it is an important first step for many. How long they need to spend there is at their discretion.

 

I think bringing awareness to the self is a great thing. But everyone's in a different place on the journey. I can't wrap my head around someone fresh out to be able to look within like that. There's so much crap to sift through.

 

I got the betrayal bond on my kindle last night. I'm only about 24% through(whatever page that is), right now. I think that it offers something a lot of other ones don't. More than just the cliche "you were ABC, so this is why you did XYZ It's very interesting so far.

 

My contention is,if we don't allow men to abuse us,we won't become victims.

So really what came first,the allower or the victimizer?

 

I should have kicked them all out LONG before I did.

And yes,it takes some time to figure out our own part and stop blaming our abusers for all.

 

As for the book.It is excellent.Eye opening and left me feeling ashamed of my own lack of self respect and boundaries.

 

Again,I know WAY more than I ever wanted to about why women stay and why men abuse and it all just sickens me at this point that this even is an issue in this day and age.

 

I just don't know who to smack harder,the abusers or thier victims.