My boyfriend's stalker is getting on my nerves

[vampirekitten]

My boyfriend had a one time thing with his best friend's sister before we started dating. He said he never liked her as more than a friend, maybe even less than that, but only had sex with her because she's a self-loathing loser with no real friends and nothing going for her and he felt bad for her so he hung out with her and she ended up dosing him and laying the pity rep on him before throwing herself at him. He said they only ever had sex once but that she had tried to do this many times in the past and he had resisted. His best friend told him after that he wasn't allowed to bring me over to their house because she kept crying about it. I told my boyfriend I didn't care and that sleeping with her out of pity was a poor choice that he had to live with, and that it would be cruel to just leave her completely alone so I encouraged him to be just friends with her but to never be alone with her. She started complaining to him that they never hang out alone. For the record, the only real reason I ever cared about how she feels is because her brother, my boyfriend's best friend, is dating my favorite cousin.

 

Some of you already know about my boyfriend's depression and suicidal thoughts, the other day he had a black out spell during which he acted upon his suicidal urges and took a bunch of pills. He said during what would have been his final moments, he thought about me and decided to back out and go to the hospital and has been having severe problems maintaining his consciousness ever since. We were at his friend's house and he kept passing out so I helped him walk home. He could barely get up the stairs and once I had him in bed he woke up and didn't know where he was. Well, at 4 in freaking morning this girl called him, and called him, and called him, to the point where I actually tried to wake him up to answer his phone. Two calls in a row I watched him lose consciousness in mid-conversation, so the next time she called back I answered the phone to try to tell her he wasn't feeling well and she should call back when he was able to stay conscious, but I guess he heard me address her and this got him worked up enough to wake up and snatch the phone out of my hand before I could say anything else.

 

For about 45 minutes after this, I listened to them argue on the phone. It started off with her yelling at him for "putting me on the phone" and asking him why he spent more time with me than her. Since she knows that he and I are together, this really ticked me off. She then proceeded to tell him that she didn't want to talk to me ever, which was also slightly angering, since I've tried to be nice to her, and also since she insists on coming with my cousin to visit my grandpa's house where I'm currently staying just so she can interrupt all of my conversations to tell me I'm wrong about something when I'm not. When he told her that he had to get off the phone to get some rest, she wouldn't let him. If he hung up on her, she just kept calling him back until he answered. She goes around telling everyone I'm stupid and posts on his facebook wall almost everyday. She keeps using the line "I thought you were my friend" on him, and he tells her that he his but that she doesn't want him to be her friend, she wants him to be her boyfriend and that's why things aren't working out, and he's right but she just won't take the hint. I told my cousin that if this girl showed up at my grandpa's house ever again that she'd leave the property in an ambulance, and I honestly don't feel wrong for saying that, although my cousin and my boyfriend both urge me not to do anything, but she won't talk it out with me and she won't stop. He's not even the first person in that circle of friends who's been stalked by her.

 

The reason why they don't want me to act is because it could affect my boyfriend's friendship with her brother and it could also affect my cousin's relationship, but I'm getting to the point where I don't think their family is good enough for my own, and the way this girl talks to my boyfriend about me makes me so mad that I just want to knock her teeth out of ugly face. I hate the way she talks to him like she thinks she's the one dating him. I feel like she's crossing my boundaries when she yells at him for having me over. I know I won't be able to convince him to get a restraining order because he's going to want to go over to her house to hang out with her brother, but thinking about that just makes me want fight her.

 

I'm not jealous or anything, I have nothing to be jealous of, I just don't like being disrespected like this and I'm afraid for his mental health and I know she's not helping with that issue. When she found out he liked me, she moved accross the country to live in a tent and "do heroin until she died" and started sending him texts after she left saying things like "I miss you a lot" so from where I stand it kind of seems like she's trying to make him feel guilty. Then she came back and started blowing up his phone.

 

I'm not in the wrong, am I?

[mhowe]

I thought your family was making you move back home?

[vampirekitten]

they are, but not for a little while longer. they're letting me stay for a couple of weeks so that I can spend time with my boyfriend.

[abitbroken]

1) Why on earth if your boyfriend kept going unconscious that it didn't occur to you to get him emergency medical attention versus simply walking home?

 

2) You say she guilts him...but HE guilts YOU - telling you the only reason why he backed out is that he thought of YOu in his final moments of consciousness. That hook is his insurance policy that you will feel too bad to ever walk away from him.

 

3) you say he said" He said he never liked her as more than a friend, maybe even less than that, but only had sex with her because she's a self-loathing loser with no real friends and nothing going for her"" What opinion of other people and women does he have if he says something like this??

 

4) He allows bad treatment to come to you and makes excuses for talking to this girl because he doesn't 'want to ruin a friendship'. His relationship with you should be primary. she can't hurt the friendship between him and his best friend, only he or the friend can do that.

 

Personally, if I were you, I would stop trying to decide if you were in the wrong or right and just get out of this drama. For your own health

[mhowe]

This has unhealthy mess written all over it. Your other posts said you self injure.

The two of you should not be in a relationship.

Move home.

[Lambert]

Sounds like a bunch of drama and I would try to get way from this whole crowd. It's a turn off to me that a guy would do this best friends sister. He sounds like he needs professional help and probably shouldn't even be romantically involved until he gets his act together.

[nutbrownhare]

Having read your other posts, it looks like both you and your boyfriend have some very deep, painful issues which you need to address, separately, before either of you could have a healthy relationship with anyone.

 

Your underlying distress is showing in your cutting, and being with someone who's actively suicidal is a terribly stressful experience. Even organisations whose purpose is to provide support for suicidal people do not expect members to do so without a great deal of support themselves, and you are way too vulnerable to be coping with this alone.

 

Frankly, this girl is the least of your problems.

 

If you really want to step off this merry-go-round of drama and chaos, go and get help for yourself. Sometimes focusing on someone else's problems can be a way of avoiding looking at our own, but you owe it to yourself to heal your own pain. Possibly, if you do this, your boyfriend will get the professional help he clearly needs, too.

[poetryandlyrics]

If that was me, I wouldn't stand it. I'd dump him in an instant. The whole motivation for him to sleep with her wouldn't be described as a "poor choice" but a complete turn off, and his following actions in dealing with his "stalker" would make me want to break free. It's his best friend's sister, and he hooked up with her? And then described her in a way that it's too obvious he's just a user? No, no, and no.

 

Then he doesn't want to do anything to mess up his relationship with his best friend? I think he should have thought that before having sex with her. Laying the problem to you like that is laying the guilt to you. And honestly, seems he likes the attention if he's so willing. He retrieved the call from her after knowing you called her? Seems he wants to keep her there, at a length, for perhaps an ego boost. If he was a decent guy, or at least cared about you more than the needs of that, he'd assert some emotional boundaries if he cannot do physical ones (such as not replying to her demands if they cross boundaries).

 

I don't think he should be in a relationship right now, especially if you have to worry about his mental health. That should be his constant effort without you or anybody (not including parental units) taking care of him for that. Creates an imbalanced relationship.

 

And while I do understand not wanting her around your family, if another family member of yours invited her, including your cousin or whatever, nothing you can do. She becomes a guest. a rude one if she behaves rude and should be made obvious around your family members. However, if she's not, you do have the right to not want her there, but you do not have the right to deal violence of some sort that an ambulance is warranted.