He'll be gone for 2 months and I'm already feeling distant and having doubts

[SuzieQue]

Some background: we've been dating a little over a year, we live an hour apart, he's graduated and I'm in school for one more year. We used to see each other 3-4 times a month on weekends but it has now dwindled to 1-2 times a month and he will be going abroad to teach a 2 month workshop in a few weeks. RIght now he's been out of state for the past 2 weeks and is coming home tomorrow.

 

My issue is that I'm feeling taken for granted and it's making me feel more and more distant towards him. I love him, and he says he loves me (and proves it with actions when we can actually be together), but when I haven't seen him for a while I start having these doubts about us. And the thing that really bothers me is that he doesn't seem to be affected by the time apart like I am.

 

For example, I just got off the phone with him and he said he'll stop by for a little bit tomorrow on his way home, but probably won't visit on the weekend. And it really bothered me that he doesn't want to come visit after not seeing me for 2 weeks. It makes me think he's tired of me or isn't excited to see me. I get that he's probably tired of driving, but whenever I offer to visit he declines because he thinks I'll be bored since there aren't a lot of things to do and he lives with his parents.

He also said that when he gets back from his 2 month workshop he's planning on visiting a bunch of friends who live even further away...

 

I'm starting to think he's on auto-pilot and doesn't actually want to be in a relationship, and that he only likes it for the sense of comfort and security. I've actually been feeling this way for a while now. Maybe since June. It comes in waves. After I see him the thoughts go away for a bit, and then when we don't see each other and he acts uninterested in visiting I start wondering if staying in a relationship is the best thing.

 

But then I think of how amazing he is when we're together, and all of the sweet things he does and makes for me. He even found a ride when he was without a car to come visit me this summer, and we live 7 hours away. When we are together he is so warm and wonderful and present, but then he leaves for a few weeks and I start to wonder if those moments ever even happened.

 

I've been waiting for the "right time" to talk to him about what I'm feeling, but I'm starting to think there never will be a right time. I just don't know what to say without sounding accusatory or whiney or like I'm trying to end things... I just want to try and fix this before it is too late. Because at this point, if I don't say something and he goes off for those 2 months, I don't think I'll be able to hold on any longer... I need help figuring out what to say to him tomorrow when he drops by. I don't want it to be too heavy because we haven't seen each other in 2 weeks, but I guess every time he visits it's basically after we haven't seen each other for 1-2 weeks

 

I'm about to go to class so this was written kind of fast but thoughts and opinions are wanted... I really care about him and beneath all my worrying and analyzing I know he loves me too. I think we're just bad at communicating because this is the first serious relationship we've both ever been in.

[mhowe]

He is a man with a relationship, a life plan and a schedule. He will be leaving for 2 months --- and you are his gf, but he has other friends and family.

 

If you don't want to be a part of his life, that is your choice. But you are in school for another year, and you shouldn't expect his life to be put on hold until you finish.

 

It doesn't sound like he is doing anything wrong. It sounds like you want a full time bf --- and if that is so, then you should tell him that you want to break up. Because he isn't in that place.

 

It is very hard to date when one person has jumped into the real world and needs to follow opportunities, while the other is still in college. So ---- you figure out how to adapt....or you move on.

 

I am sure he is affected by the time apart -- hence, he is wonderful when you can be together. But he is busy...not sitting around thinking "oh, when will I see my beloved again".

 

It is all about perspective. Try looking at it from his.

 

I cannot see how he is taking you for granted. A man doesn't travel 7 hrs if he is taking you for granted.

[SuzieQue]

Thank you for your post, I really needed to read that. I really don't want to break up with him, I really do appreciate all his gestures and the time he does give me. But it is so difficult for me when I don't hear from him for days. I try to be understanding because I know he is busy during the week. And I am 100% for him going after all his endeavors. But sometimes I feel like I am his girlfriend only when it's convenient for him. I am busy too. DUring the regular year I am taking usually 5 classes, plus work, internships, and I volunteer with animals and a shelter. I also have my own friends to hang out with, so it is not like I am sitting by the phone waiting for him to contact me. I just wish we could be doing more things together. But with the way our lives are right now I guess that's more of a dream than reality for now...

 

I don't want to regret letting him go. But I also fear that this is just how it is going to be, for the rest of our relationship, even after I graduate. I'm so confused by my feelings

[mhowe]

You want to be the center of his world --- as he is yours. And that is very, very unrealistic.

 

You are not in school now, but will be soon. So you will be busier.

 

In real life, spouses/or bf/gf have jobs, and social commitments....and do not necessarily talk every day. It doesn't mean the love is gone or diminished. It means life happens. And the fake time commitment of college life is gone forever.

 

You can't be doing more things together. You get together when both schedules permit. No one knows if this relationship will survive...no one here anyway. And neither do you or your bf....but trying to make him feel guilty or saying he is taking you for granted is a sure fire way for it to end due to the stress you are putting on a problem that cannot be solved....because he needs to follow his work opportunities.

[SuzieQue]

You've given me a lot to think about. Thank you