Describe what is "CONFIDENCE"

[Dougie_D]

There are a lot of people that just say "be confident" or it's called "confidence".

 

This is what it means to me and I believe I have it. -- it means that whatever you do is the right way of doing things and never unsure of yourself.

 

There's no doubt that sometimes I have been in situations where I am "unsure" of myself but there have been times where I am MORE sure than not. That bleeds confidence. It's the times when I have confidence in my doings when I get rejected.... that's what confuses me. So there HAS TO BE some of another element when attracting/approaching women, right?

 

What "confidence" are women looking for?

[Cheetarah]

Asking what confidence women are looking for defeats the purpose, does it not?

 

I personally don't view confidence as whatever I do, is the right way and I'm never unsure. I find thoughtful and thoroughness to be attractive. Being able to recognize and own a mistake all the while shaking it off and not letting it taint their own perceptions of themselves. I actually find someone you describe as annoying. I want to see someone be human and naturally flawed.

 

I know you have a long backstory and I'm really unsure of the details of it, but no. Just because you come accross as assured does not mean you will land what you want. There are so many things at play in that and confidence is only one aspect.

[RedDress]

it means that whatever you do is the right way of doing things and never unsure of yourself.

 

Well - not really. Not to me.

 

I don't think it's possible to always do things 'the right way'. I mean... there are many ways to do things and sometimes it will be wrong. To say you always do it right borders on c*cky. It's more about just owning the way you chose to do something. Saying "this is the way I am going to do things. It might be right and it might be wrong - but I am okay with the decision to do it this way and I'm not going to second-guess myself".

 

Also - I don't think that it's possible to never be unsure of yourself. What if I ask you to build a submarine? It's ok to be unsure about it. Confidence is asking a few questions, feeling good that you will do your best, and knowing that you are not a loser if you fail. Part of it is an acknowledgement that failure in something is just one failure. It does not define you as a person.

 

Maybe your 'confidence' is coming accross as 'c*cky'. There is a fine line between the two and while confidence is sexy, c*cky is a turn-off.

[Edmund Exley]

Asking what confidence women are looking for defeats the purpose, does it not?

 

I personally don't view confidence as whatever I do, is the right way and I'm never unsure.

 

That's called arrogance. Confidence is believing in oneself while not being offended or embarrassed by another having a different outlook. Feeling secure in who you are. Being certain in who you are.

[John John]

Arrogance = low self esteem turned outwards. Edmund Ex said it best.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Confidence is not allowing doubts or insecurities to dictate what you do or how you do it.

 

How you act around your closest friend that you feel really comfortable around is you being confident. Try to be that way around everyone.

[Dougie_D]

So all my life I've been more on the arrogant/cocky side? I'm not sure... I'm not bragging about whatever is happening in my life...there's really nothing to brag about! haha!

 

Girls say they like confident men. So what does that mean? I'm the guy that will approach women and even groups of women while the "good looking" guy is too scared and insecure to approach them. I would assume I'm more confident in that setting, but the good looking guy will get the girls after I get everyone involved.

 

I'm confident to get a girls number, but it NEVER pans out for a date. I even had a girl flake on me 3 hours after SHE set up a date through an online dating site.

 

I either have always had terribly BAD LUCK or there is something else. I'm not a stranger to talking to women. I may actually talk to them too much.

 

Can someone GAIN attractiveness through being confident? That's the question.

[LoveSoDeep]

Confidence is not allowing doubts or insecurities to dictate what you do or how you do it.

 

How you act around your closest friend that you feel really comfortable around is you being confident. Try to be that way around everyone.

 

This^^

 

You see if you are acting any particular way you actaully are not being confident you are acting confident and that comes accross as "I'm trying to be this way to impress you" to most poeple. You can't "act" confident you have to be confident. Like you are when no one is looking just be your self and be totally okay with it.

 

You can't always be right but you can alwyas be okay with the way you are, right or wrong.

[pl3asehelp]

Confidence comes from the past experience. You've done something before, so you can be confident in your ability to do it again.

 

Arrogant or cocky is based not on actual past experience, but rather an inflated opinion of yourself where you take something you have never done and assume, since you're so great in general, that you'll be great at this too.

 

It's impossible for someone to tell the difference unless they know you well, which is why so many women make the mistake of being impressed by an arrogant guy they think is confident when they later find out he's a fraud.

[RedDress]

So all my life I've been more on the arrogant/cocky side? I'm not sure... I'm not bragging about whatever is happening in my life...there's really nothing to brag about! haha!

 

You can give off an air of arrogance without actually bragging. I'm not saying you are doing that (hard to know without knowing you) - I'm just saying it's possible.

[tiredofvampires]

There is no one single trait that will snag a woman.

 

Once again, you're trying to find a magic formula or silver bullet that doesn't exist, Dougie.

 

Confidence is but one ingredient that makes a man (or any person) attractive, but it by no means is the only thing that matters in the equation. So you've got to have other stuff, too. And that's partly individualized with each woman.

 

In my view, there are two kinds of confidence -- specific confidence, which is the feeling that you are capable of doing a particular thing, and general confidence.

 

To have specific confidence, you need to be able to conduct a realistic self-appraisal for it to be of any value. If you can do that and find flaws and things to improve, then it's on you to work on those things. So some self-honesty and diligence are required for this kind of confidence.

 

To have general confidence, one must believe that whatever these flaws and things to improve, that one is able to work with them without it compromising their self-respect.

 

For me, a man's confidence is only attractive if he's balanced these parts of the equation. And as I said, pure confidence, as a stand-alone concept, is over-rated IMO because it's simplistic.

[desmondhume]

I'm no expert, but I think the best kind of confidence is truth. Learn who you are and don't hide or distort it to look better for others. Know your flaws and learn to work around them, and know your strengths and learn to use them to the best of your ability. It's a balance of establishing yourself as a force while not stepping on others for no good reason. And most of all, it's figuring out ways to be genuinely happy in any situation, even if it's just for moments at a time. When you're happy, you're paying no attention to what others are thinking of you.

[rachopin77]

I think a better approach for you to take would be to make people feel good about themselves and life when they're around you. Make them feel special and appreciated. The people that draw others in tend to just make everyone inexplicably feel good. Many confident people do this because they don't feel the insecurities that other people have that make them sort of focus on themselves or retreat into themselves. When you're focused on yourself and what you might do wrong, then you're not putting the focus on the other person. The other element you're asking for is the person makes other people FEEL GOOD in some way. That should be your purpose.

[pl3asehelp]

I think a better approach for you to take would be to make people feel good about themselves and life when they're around you. Make them feel special and appreciated. The people that draw others in tend to just make everyone inexplicably feel good. Many confident people do this because they don't feel the insecurities that other people have that make them sort of focus on themselves or retreat into themselves. When you're focused on yourself and what you might do wrong, then you're not putting the focus on the other person. The other element you're asking for is the person makes other people FEEL GOOD in some way. That should be your purpose.

 

I think these people are the most insecure and least confident of all. Anything to get people to like them.

[tiredofvampires]

I think these people are the most insecure and least confident of all. Anything to get people to like them.

 

That's not how I read rachopin's post at all. What she's saying is that when you're focused inward -- on your flaws, on your insecurities, on your fears of how you're coming accross -- you're really more wrapped up in yourself than being engaged in what the other person is about and making something good out of that. It's not a bad thing to want to make others feel good -- the only problem is when it's at the expense of yourself (like when people take you for granted and you keep that dynamic going), if you have no boundaries, if you act like a doormat. But I like rachopin's post a lot because it takes the emphasis off, "This is me, look at me, how am I looking to people" and puts it on "what can I appreciate about this person?" When you are genuinely interested in someone and show that you enjoy things about them, that tends to bring out the best in them...and in turn, this makes them feel drawn to you. There's a line between that being a gimmick and that being real, but there's a difference.

[Dougie_D]

It's not a bad thing to want to make others feel good -- the only problem is when it's at the expense of yourself (like when people take you for granted and you keep that dynamic going), if you have no boundaries, if you act like a doormat. But I like rachopin's post a lot because it takes the emphasis off, "This is me, look at me, how am I looking to people" and puts it on "what can I appreciate about this person?" When you are genuinely interested in someone and show that you enjoy things about them, that tends to bring out the best in them...and in turn, this makes them feel drawn to you. There's a line between that being a gimmick and that being real, but there's a difference.

 

I've ALWAYS been that person,... in my past I used to be taken advantage of my good nature (girls and guys) but lately I've learned to stand my ground a lot more. People can be extremely selfish.

 

To believe it not, I feel like I have more confidence than my good looking guy friends. They tend to be "clueless" when making simple decisions. They seem to be "AFRAID" of going out in bars/restaraunts/movies alone because they don't want people to think they are "LONERS". They can't talk to a group of women a lone. They just can't do things without other people it seems.

 

The only thing I have to overcome is making the "right move" with women and somehow making myself more attractive. It seems like my ONLY option is to really lose weight.

[rachopin77]

I think these people are the most insecure and least confident of all. Anything to get people to like them.

 

That is completely NOT what I'm meaning. I'm meaning that there are some people who are genuinely engaging because they don't have all of the insecurity hold ups that other people have. They listen well, they remember names, they're more clever and interesting because they say what comes to mind right then, they put themselves out there because they aren't busy worrying about what they should do, what they are going to say, or whether people will judge them. They are more cheerful and positive, and that draws people in. People like them more and they can't put their finger on why.

 

Those people don't think "Oh I'll do this so this person likes me" they think "I'm just enjoying life, being positive, and focusing on connecting to other people. I want to be open so people feel comfortable around me". Too many people put too much emphasis on themselves, what other people can do for THEM, and what they fear should be happening, and it makes them close off to other people in some ways. Confident people don't do that, and it makes them open and engaging. Like really. When you're talking about relationships, why would you NOT try to make it so other people feel good around you?

[rachopin77]

I've ALWAYS been that person,... in my past I used to be taken advantage of my good nature (girls and guys) but lately I've learned to stand my ground a lot more. People can be extremely selfish.

 

To believe it not, I feel like I have more confidence than my good looking guy friends. They tend to be "clueless" when making simple decisions. They seem to be "AFRAID" of going out in bars/restaraunts/movies alone because they don't want people to think they are "LONERS". They can't talk to a group of women a lone. They just can't do things without other people it seems.

 

The only thing I have to overcome is making the "right move" with women and somehow making myself more attractive. It seems like my ONLY option is to really lose weight.

 

You aren't understanding what I'm saying. I'm not meaning be the person who tries to please everyone by doing things for them at your own expense, I'm saying be the person who people feel good around because you're just that positive, engaging, and love life. People don't feel good around negative, insecure, self centered people. Charismatic people make other people feel good to be around them just by being who they are. That usually comes from things like being an active listener and making the person feel like what they have to say is important, remembering names, smiling genuinely, saying things that come to mind without over thinking things, being passionate about things, etc. Those are all things that make people feel valued and nice, make you seem open and friendly, and are all at no cost to you. You don't bend over backwards for everyone because you want to make them to like you. You need to still have conviction and your own opinions. You have the wrong approach, and I can tell from your posts that you probably don't do those engaging things I mentioned. Stop comparing yourself to your friends that way. That is insecurity. You shouldn't feel the need to. And you keep validating yourself by saying you're extremely confident and engaging, but that's obviously not the case if you need to ask what to do to make women like you more and seem confident. Be honest with yourself.

[Dougie_D]

I totally understand that.. but that doesn't always translate with attracting women. Majority of the time it translates into being in the FRIENDZONE. Most people tell me I'm a great guy to be around with...and you're are right, they get completely BUMMED out when I have a bad day...

 

I'm not looking to be in the FRIENDZONE again EVER. Once I even get a feeling I bolt now.

[rachopin77]

I totally understand that.. but that doesn't always translate with attracting women. Majority of the time it translates into being in the FRIENDZONE. Most people tell me I'm a great guy to be around with...and you're are right, they get completely BUMMED out when I have a bad day...

 

I'm not looking to be in the FRIENDZONE again EVER. Once I even get a feeling I bolt now.

 

Dude. I am specifically telling you. I am a female. That is what attracts me to a guy emotionally. The guys I have the biggest crushes on are the way I just described. I only friend zone guys for two reasons. I will friendzone a guy if he goes against deal breakers I have (my strict dealbreakers are no criminals, homophobes, racists, guys who don't respect me or my family, or cheaters), or if I don't think he's physically attractive at all. I have to be emotionally and physically attracted to a guy to consider him dating material, and emotional attractiveness often helps with the physical. I might not think a guy is that cute at first, but then once I get to know him I do.

 

being the type of person I described above can only help. It doesn't MAKE me friendzone a guy. It's almost like you're trying to find an excuse not to better yourself from the inside. I will only friendzone a guy if he didn't have a chance in the first place because I didn't find him physically attractive AT ALL or he goes against my core values in some way. There are plenty of guys I would never consider dating material because I know they don't respect relationships or something even though I might think they're cute.

 

I can tell you that the vibes I am getting from you on here would not make me emotionally attracted to you. I don't know you at all, but just from what I've seen on here you aren't giving me that much of an engaging or confident impression. Unless you are way different in person than you are on the internet, which is very possible, you are not emotionally attractive to me. That's just a blunt, completely honest opinion from a girl. It's not meant to upset you or insult you, just inform you.

[pl3asehelp]

Are you familiar with the book How To Win Friends and Influence People? It is the source for all of these things you just listed. They are not genuine behaviors. They are learned and specfically designed to manipulate others. This book used to be required reading for middle managers inncorporate America. Whenever you get to know these people you see tbey are truly nothing like the facade.

[tiredofvampires]

Are you familiar with the book How To Win Friends and Influence People? It is the source for all of these things you just listed. They are not genuine behaviors. They are learned and specfically designed to manipulate others. This book used to be required reading for middle managers inncorporate America. Whenever you get to know these people you see tbey are truly nothing like the facade.

 

The argument that you're making is that anyone who has good attributes, has them because they "learned how to".

 

And as it relates to this topic, if someone has good social awareness and naturally high emotional IQ, they can't be doing it genuinely and spontaneously.

 

I'm absolutely terrible remembering names and dates, but other than that, I think most of those behaviors come naturally to me. But I'd never buy that book or other such books, not in a million years (okay, I did buy one such one once, "How to Get Anyone to Like You" [off the top of my head, I think that's it], but only because the title was so presumptuous, I was as curious as I was appalled).

 

I'll also add that I'm not completely confident either, but still, my outward demeanor is enthusiastic and engaged anyway, as rachopin is describing -- and I'd probably be able to put checkmarks on the checklists in that book. That's without having any desire to be "studied" in the matter.

 

I also think, OP, that the whole approach of "I'm going to bolt if I'm friendzoned" is not going to get you very far. Because if you are waiting for instantaneous mutual chemistry, I think that's going to be hard to find in the places you frequent. At glam venues, and bars, and such, women are looking for quick-sell attributes. Sharp wit, charm, someone with a strong ability with social cues, and distinctly good looks if those other areas are lacking (and I actually feel that most women fall back on a guy's good looks when those other qualities aren't there, rather than seeking out looks primarily). While you seem like a good-natured, likeable guy, I don't sense you as possessing those "quick-sell" items. All that means is that you have to go with approaches suited to YOU, and so hard, quick sells are never going to be a conducive MO for you.

 

I've said it before, and it's probably going to be disregarded again, but you have a better chance of sparking up something with someone over a little more time, and going through an ambiguous period where you're not sure what this is turning into. That kind of growing and exploratory attraction can be wonderful, and it's a sign of mature ability. I recommend it to anyone, and it's a process I myself prefer, it's not just for people who don't possess the quick-sell set. I consider this "friendzone" concept and labeling to be a bit sophomoric, honestly, even as much as the term is kicked around. "Either you're this or you're that -- a friend or not." As if it's written in stone. If you picked a hobby or interest (could be something you've never done before, but just think sounds kind of cool) and got involved in it through a club or meet-up group (this should have nothing to do with music, which is too familiar to you already), you'd have a better chance at someone having time to get to know you and find attractive things about you. If you just want BAM, with attraction, I think you're going to be empty-handed for a long time.

 

I think one of the main problems for you is that you keep fishing in the wrong rivers and your horizons are too narrow. Part of confidence is trying new things and with women, being absolutely fine if someone friendzones you in the process of exploring a connection.

 

If you are truly confident, walk into situations with no expectations and let everything just play out. Just don't let people treat you in an inconsiderate fashion, and it'll all be good.

[Dougie_D]

I will only friendzone a guy if he didn't have a chance in the first place because I didn't find him physically attractive AT ALL or he goes against my core values in some way.

 

I can tell you that the vibes I am getting from you on here would not make me emotionally attracted to you. I don't know you at all, but just from what I've seen on here you aren't giving me that much of an engaging or confident impression. Unless you are way different in person than you are on the internet, which is very possible, you are not emotionally attractive to me. That's just a blunt, completely honest opinion from a girl. It's not meant to upset you or insult you, just inform you.

 

Most likely you wouldn't find me attractive physically so you would friendzone me, like pretty much EVERY girl. I know that I have flaws in the way I physically look...there's no doubt about it...why would my parents suggest me to get plastic surgery out of the blue?

 

Once I'm a "friend" and I start to open up I think you would like me emotionally. All my girl friends have said when they first met me they thought I was weird, strange, etc... but after awhile they tell me "how great a guy I am", that one day "i'll be a great boyfriend to a girl", and that "I can always make things fun", etc.... And of course, this is when these girls finally get the hint that I'm not trying to hook up with them.

 

For some reason girls just assume that I'm hitting on them, when I'm actually trying to get to know them or having small talk.

[tiredofvampires]

why would my parents suggest me to get plastic surgery out of the blue?

 

Um, because your parents have been invalidating and emotionally abusive your entire life?

[Purusha]

To be totally honest Dougie, I find your posts extremely vexing on many levels.

 

The things I find specifically unattractive about your posts:

 

You respond to feedback negatively or with a closed mind.

You refuse to examine yourself or your thinking in terms of how people respond to your posts, and assume it's everyone else's or the world's fault.

You ignore and sidestep advice you don't want to explore or acknowledge.

You adopt the victim mentality by bringing up the wrongs other people have done to you in the past.

You appear as generally defensive and looking for a quick fix without actively exploring any of the possible solutions or help given to you, and following this, you continue to complain that your situation doesn't improve.

You complain about the impression others have of you as wrong, but don't examine your own behaviour that might lead to their assumptions.

 

And then, after all of this, you make no progress, unsurprisingly, and then you complain more.

 

None of this is attractive.

 

This also is not meant to insult you, I'm trying to inject a bit of reality in the way that you come accross. You've had this feedback many many times on your posts, but it wouldn't surprise me at all if you never do anything about it.

 

Ps. if you feel losing weight would help, again, I don't understand why you haven't done anything about it.