Marriage and Wife Needing Help -

[MrAdversity]

Really need some advice, had a terrible weekend with wife of almost a year - i dont want to give up on her as she is my wife but im pretty lost

 

The backlog is she has come from a serious broken upbringing, being adopted, going to numerous foster homes, and than ending up being taken in by her relative who is a religious figure (who uses home to take in others that are troubled in life)

 

Fast forward we been together for over 6 yrs, married for almost 1 - so far on 2 separate occasions she has shut down mentally and wanted to run away from the marriage claiming everything under the sun that a guy wouldnt want to hear from his wife (except for the cheating this is strictly a mental concern) - all day long she was in shut down mode, and the usually talk is i need space, etc. but when push comes to shove she doesnt want to leave, she refuses to go live at her relatives again and when i lost it and claimed it felt like we weren't married she became enraged and said we are too very married

 

Yesterday was no different 6 months later from the last time she did the exact same thing, and this time it came out of no where and after a stretch of being amazing to me and our marriage, we even have a anniv trip in a week - but here is what led to the start of the breakdown i recently found out she was in money trouble and asking her relative and brother for money to bail her out, another long day of talking came sunday and revealed she doesnt know what it is to love that no one really loved her all her life, she also moved around alot from home to home, and she was always made fun of and had no nice things,

 

The issues now, she has a shopping issue hence the debt, she is self indulged with social media pictures of herself, doesnt want to be at her current job anymore which also lends a hand in her mental state (working with urban hs kids in a last resort school) and every 6 months has a change of mental state wanting to flee but always comes back, but this time around she didnt leave she goes into like a cold depression for 24 hrs, than wakes the next morning to say i want to work things out, i need to talk to a therapist etc.

 

We are def getting her help, but she keeps saying what if i talk to someone and they say you dont want to be in the marriage, instead of worrying about all the other issues, she keeps going there, i am mentally exhausted myself trying to deal, last night went back to normal somewhat she is still reserved with me, she claims she is making an appt. today for a therapist/psychologist, and wants to still go on our trip (wanted to initially cancel) - she ended with marriage has its ups and downs (and granted our friends are all having drama as well right now which doesnt help) and people say things they dont mean, but my concern she does this exact breakdown periodically than has an awakening that she doesnt want to go back to her old loveless life

 

She has never explored her past with anyone professionally, and i swear that this is the reoccuring issues, the stories i have heard are hard to not get upset, but she has all the opposite and good things now, so why the breakdowns, why the fleeing when things get unbalanced, i really cant do this much longer with her, esp when she goes into her blind rage of hurtful comments - Im very frustrated and confused myself if i am even doing the right things (as the husband i am taking care of all things important, bills, home maintanence etc.) so i def do my part but im not perfect either just not trying to flee every time somethings become difficult

[Kendahke]

outside of her following through with making and going to that appointment with the therapist, there really isn't much left for you to do but hunker down and withstand the hurricanes when they blow. You don't want to end your marriage, so find a way to endure and be quiet and content. That's all anyone can say to someone dead set against ending their marriage. She has to want to change and do better of her own volition--and she has to want to do better consistently, not vacillate.

 

You'll find out in short order how serious she is about rectifying the situation if she either does or doesn't make that phone call to the therapist.

[mhowe]

Being in a relationship/ marriage is bringing all the unresolved emotional issues from her past to the boiling point. Therapy is the.ONLY way out of this.

[Edmund Exley]

Fast forward we been together for over 6 yrs, married for almost 1 - so far on 2 separate occasions she has shut down mentally and wanted to run away from the marriage claiming everything under the sun that a guy wouldnt want to hear from his wife (except for the cheating this is strictly a mental concern) - all day long she was in shut down mode, and the usually talk is i need space, etc. but when push comes to shove she doesnt want to leave, she refuses to go live at her relatives again and when i lost it and claimed it felt like we weren't married she became enraged and said we are too very married

You probably don't realize this or even mean to come accross this way, but by saying "It doesn't feel like we are married" you are doing to her what everyone in her life has done to her. Made her relationship void and unvalid. To her its a form of rejection, yet again.

 

Yesterday was no different 6 months later from the last time she did the exact same thing, and this time it came out of no where and after a stretch of being amazing to me and our marriage, we even have a anniv trip in a week - but here is what led to the start of the breakdown i recently found out she was in money trouble and asking her relative and brother for money to bail her out, another long day of talking came sunday and revealed she doesnt know what it is to love that no one really loved her all her life, she also moved around alot from home to home, and she was always made fun of and had no nice things,

She's scared. She has never had anyone in her entire life commit to her. Im not a therapist but I would bet part of what she is dealing with is fear. Fear of being loved and of that love going away.

 

Question, how could you not know your wife was in money trouble?

 

The issues now, she has a shopping issue hence the debt, she is self indulged with social media pictures of herself, doesnt want to be at her current job anymore which also lends a hand in her mental state (working with urban hs kids in a last resort school) and every 6 months has a change of mental state wanting to flee but always comes back, but this time around she didnt leave she goes into like a cold depression for 24 hrs, than wakes the next morning to say i want to work things out, i need to talk to a therapist etc.

Is she making any steps to talk to a therapist?

 

She has never explored her past with anyone professionally, and i swear that this is the reoccuring issues, the stories i have heard are hard to not get upset, but she has all the opposite and good things now, so why the breakdowns, why the fleeing when things get unbalanced, i really cant do this much longer with her, esp when she goes into her blind rage of hurtful comments - Im very frustrated and confused myself if i am even doing the right things (as the husband i am taking care of all things important, bills, home maintanence etc.) so i def do my part but im not perfect either just not trying to flee every time somethings become difficult

 

If you know you aren't doing the right things then stop doing them and seek some counseling of your own. You chose to marry her and love her, don't be the next person who abandons her because they "couldn't handle it". For better or for worse. She wants to stay in this marriage, if you truly love her, do what ever needs to be done. You guys needs a lot of professional help and no one here can provide that for you, so please don't adhere to anything offered on this board. Seek profession advice.

[MrAdversity]

Your absolutely right on alot of points, as is evryone else having valid points so thank you, she did make the call which is a big step from last time and probably a step fwd in her life, I agree i do think she doesn't know what it's like in alot a ways to be loved alot of people who know the situation also say the same, but why does she shut down and make it like she is done with the marriage, maybe her defense mechanism? I've never given her a reason to believe I would leave or hurt her and have always been there, maybe even to much at times which is why I'm so frustrated and confused,

 

Since the fight she is claiming to want to move fwd, she made the call awaiting a response but is somewhat acting distant but doesn't want me to be upset at her her words, but maybe I'm different but if i did this i would be worried she would leave, she doesn't seem to concerned I'm gonna leave yet her whole world is our life right now since she doesn't want her old life living with her relative and who could blame her so I'm all she has, so why the issues than I just don't know, as for her debt I knew she had bills cause I help pay for some but not all and never knew it ballooned on her I thought she was being responsible

[Edmund Exley]

It is indeed a defense mechanism and its the reason she needs to work with a therapist to understand it.

 

Stop being frustrated and confused. This has nothing to do with you. Its a result of all the things she has gone through.

[Lester]

Love and unconditional love are traits kids learn from their parents. Being denied this may be the problem.

 

There may be more to the story than meets the eye.

She needs to get help.

 

Show her ENA?

[MrAdversity]

The enviable happened and she tried to kick me out for sake of space I left due to frustration but came back awhile later blew up on her and basically tried to kick her out she became like a little girl and didn't know how to react and didn't want to leave.. But everytime we went back and forth with hurtful things she would come back in a low voice with something contradictory like well you don't love me so what is the point, meanwhile she claims no love anymore for me, the kicker was when I went to sleep she had to slyly come into the room hugging me and trying to kiss me saying she needed to feel love, this morning following she was saying she needs space,

 

The current update she is going to meet the therapist for the first time after blasting the experience last night saying it wasn't for her or maybe he will tell her she shouldn't be in a marriage..

 

She really is all over the place and I'm concerned but can't live tortured like this in fear she wants to run away from everything evry 3 mos

[MrAdversity]

Just a quick and loooong overdue followup!

 

We divorced shortly thereafter all this drama - she was unwell, and needed negative attention from a surprising source - plus the love and do everything for me attitude of her Aunt she went back to live with - We never spoke again after it all closed out -

 

I remarried and it was to my HS sweetheart who I was friends with for over 15 yrs after we dated when we were 16 (who ironically was also going through same thing) and we have been married for 3 yrs now , just bought a house as well last June and had a beautiful baby girl who is turning 3 next month!

 

"When one door closes, another opens!"