I feel so awful! PLEASE HELP ME GET OUT OF THIS FEELING!

[summernite]

Here's the story...

 

I had a Summer fling with a man several years ago. I have been separated for a little while, he has a girlfriend x 18 months.

 

Last year we reconnected on linkedin and have been texting and chatting on and off for the last 6 months. A few months ago I told him I was beginning to have feelings for him, and that we needed to stop the flirting because he was in a relationship. I explained that I need an exclusive relationship in order to keep on texting and chatting.

 

The texting had become more and more intimate, he suggested we tried skype a few weeks ago. Skype went really well. Last week he called me and were on the phone for a couple of hours (until 4am). We flirted, but also talked about the situation. He told me he is very involved with his GF, but although she's ready to move in together and have kids, he is "not sure" that is what he wants. He already has a 10 year old son, and doesn't really want to have babies at this point in time.

 

He regrets not having pursued a relationship with me after our summer fling so long ago. However, he worries that a relationship with me would only be physical because of the intense sexual tension and attraction between us. He thinks I just want him to break up with his GF because I want his attention; he says I don't really know him. He asked me if I wanted a husband and move in with him, I said I wasn't ready for that. He asked me if I wanted to have more kids (I have 2), I said probably not. He said then that his GF loves him profoundly and wants to have kids with him (she's 40), but he is not ready for that. We didn't finish that conversation because at 4am my daughter woke up and I had to go see her. We had to hang up.

 

Later on that day (at 5pm), I called him to finish up our conversation. He talked to me as if I was harassing him. He told me that he's on a serious relationship, that he shouldn't be chatting with me, and that he felt awful and unfaithful having spent so much time chatting with me the night before. And that the 6 months of flirting had been fun, but altogether wrong. He said he is not prepared to break up with his girlfriend because she's a good girlfriend who loves him, and all his family knows her. He said he is sorry, but unlike me, he is in a serious relationship. That he would let me know if he breaks up with her. I was speechless, and said good bye. I was hurt, I texted him after not to bother letting me know if he breaks up with her, because I don't want to be his second choice. And I wished him a happy reconciliation weekend with his GF (which I didn't mean). Then I cried, screamed, and have been feeling like crap for the last 5 days.

 

I don't know what to think... For the last 6 months, I have been telling him not to contact me to flirt and leave me alone because I recognize there are several obstacles between us. However over and over he leaves me alone for some time, and then reappears again to resume with the chatting and the flirting (to which I give in quickly). Now feelings have developed, I am so sad right now.... I feel so silly I didn't read his signals well... I feel dumped! with all the emotions attached to that. I don't know what to do, what to think... should I just move on and give up on this now? I really like this man, and wish we could give this a try... I feel this kind of chemistry can't be found easily. I feel so sad and rejected now... should I just show some dignity and walk away pretending I don't want anything with him?

 

Please help me understand what is happening here, so I can decide what to do.

[mhowe]

You had a fling --- you tried to build into something more.

You KNEW he had a gf, and yet you continued contact.

You cannot give it a try, because he doesn't want to.

If you could find some dignity it would be a good idea, because the text pretty much shredded the last ounce.\

[summernite]

Why did he keep trying to contact me then? I did ask him several times to go away! why didn't he leave me alone before I begun feeling like this???

[Red Tie]

Well, you knew you were getting into a troubled affair sooner or later. If a man/woman keeps a "friend" whom he chats or talks everyday then its Red Flag and a sign to not trust this person. Either you be the partner in a loving relationship or his "affair" friend or whatever.

 

Still, you went on. People do stupid things all the time and no one can say they havent done something that felt odd, wrond and stupid but still pushed on.

 

What you have to do know is forget him. It will be hard because you have feelings for him but look at your future possibilities right now. If he leaves his current girlfriend for you, would you trust him? Would you believe he would be "exclusive" to you? Would you trust a man that is capable of chatting with someone until 4am with a woman who he hides from his girlfriend? If he did to her and admits to you he loves her, imagine what he will do to you.

 

I hope you have the strenght to hang on and leave this man behind. He will not be good for you in the future.

Best of luck.

[mhowe]

Why did he keep trying to contact me then? I did ask him several times to go away! why didn't he leave me alone before I begun feeling like this???

 

Because he like the attention.

If you ask someone not to contact you, and they try --- you don't pick up the phone or respond to the text.

Simple.

You kept it up because you WANTED to, so own your own behavior and stop trying to make it seem like he made you do it.

[summernite]

Why didn't I see this coming?? I feel just like a 13 year old rejected for the first time. This is awful. How could I have been so stupid?? what's wrong with me? I am a healthy, 36 year old woman, with an outstanding career and a good loving heart. Yes separated, with 2 gorgeous kids, but still feel attractive and hopeful I could have a relationship with a man I find attractive.

 

Why didn't I get out of this earlier on? Why didn't he leave me alone when I asked him to?? What is wrong with me and what is up with this man??

[mhowe]

Honestly, I am amazed you are 36. I almost asked if you were 16 in my last post.

 

Again, he didn't leave you alone because after you said that and he called -- you jumped right back in. This isn't on him. It's on you.

Nothing is up with him -- he gets to flirt with you on line and have sex with his girlfriend.

 

You, on the other hand, get nothing -- since you knew he had a gf.

 

The issue here is a huge self esteem issue. Don't settle for 1/4 of a man.

[CatsMeeoow]

He is on the fence with his GF... he told you he doesn't quite want what she wants.

 

You are a diversion.

 

he says I don't really know him. He asked me if I wanted a husband and move in with him, I said I wasn't ready for that. He asked me if I wanted to have more kids (I have 2), I said probably not. He said then that his GF loves him profoundly and wants to have kids with him (she's 40), but he is not ready for that.

 

Look at what you wrote. Why would you ever settle for a guy who just said this to you? Its like he is at the bakery counter and can't decide if he wants the glazed donut or the powder suger one.

 

You really deserve a guy who is going to give you his complete attention and not tell you how much his GF loves him. Why would you want a guy who is seeing someone else? That's just a set up for failure or just having to settle being a side dish. You set your own self worth... why did he keep coming back? Because you let him. Next time he texts ---- IGNORE. Don't skype. Walk away. You made it clear what you wanted and he has made it clear what he won't do - this isn't working.

 

You can and do deserve better!

[summernite]

I guess I have the emotional maturity of a 13 year old still -with no self-esteem. I feel so stupid. I've always sucked at relationships. All I can feel right now is a massive amount of self judgement. How do I overcome this crap?

[mhowe]

Take your kids out for a fun time and focus on something else.

And don't get involved with men who you KNOW are involved with someone else.

 

Put it behind you. But seriously, eyes wide open.

[summernite]

In every relationship, I always end up being the one who is acting stupid! I hate myself for that.

[mhowe]

Well, he was acting stupid and selfish, so you weren't alone.

 

Don't hate yourself --- love yourself enough that you expect someone to treat you with respect.

And online relationships with someone involved with someone else does not meet that criteria.

[summernite]

So after all, shredding the last ounce wasn't a bad idea..?

[mhowe]

Well, if by telling him that you dont' want to be his 2nd choice, when in fact you have been all along, made you feel better and stronger, than it wasn't a bad idea.

But if you think the text did anything to him or will change him one iota....it didn't.

 

If you can call this the "bottom"....getting involved, albeit on line, with a guy in a relationship with another woman...then great.

 

Make a promise to yourself that you will only get involved with someone who treats you with the respect and dignity you deserve. If your kids are girls...they need to see that example.

[Sparklesong]

Why did he keep trying to contact me then? I did ask him several times to go away! why didn't he leave me alone before I begun feeling like this???

 

Probably the same reason you kept responding to him. You got your answer from him, he's committed to this GF, you titillate and twitterpate him in his late at night adventures (not saying you are doing this intentionally, but it's what he's feeling when he talks to you), but in the daytime, he has chosen to make a life with this woman. Let him.

 

At this point, I'd block him from all contact and just forget about him. Be strong, and your feelings will fade in time. That's when you'll be ready to start fresh with someone who IS emotionally available.

[summernite]

Oh yes.... the emotionally unavailable men.... again! How is it that after years and years of on/off therapy I'm still blind to this problem of mine?? when am I going to be able to see it coming and AVOID falling in the same trap over and over??

[Tanzi]

should I just move on and give up on this now? I really like this man, and wish we could give this a try... I feel this kind of chemistry can't be found easily. I feel so sad and rejected now... should I just show some dignity and walk away pretending I don't want anything with him?

 

Please help me understand what is happening here, so I can decide what to do.

 

Give up on what? I can't see that there is anything to give up on.

 

It takes two people to make a relationship work and he has made his position perfectly clear so, yes, it is time to walk away and leave him to the relationship he is happy to stay in.

[summernite]

So why did he do this??? just for fun????

any guys here want to comment please?

[summernite]

I guess after all, I am still that little girl looking for daddy in every emotionally unavailable man. It sucks. There seems to be no way out. I don't see how I can resolve this issue.

[mhowe]

So why did he do this??? just for fun????

any guys here want to comment please?

 

He did it because it didn't "cost" him anything. It was an amusement until it wasn't.

[Tanzi]

So why did he do this??? just for fun????

any guys here want to comment please?

 

You've asked this several times. I suspect you are hoping to hear us say it's because he wants you or is emotionally connected to you in some way. No-one can know that, but it is likely that he was enjoying the attention ... until it got too serious and he came to his senses.

 

He has a girlfriend so, really, you should now leave her bf alone, especially as he has made it clear that he has no intention of leaving her.

[summernite]

Ok. Well you guys have been really helpful. I have in the past 24 hours accomplished so much:

 

1. I have learned that I still have a tendency to fall for emotionally unavailable men (thanks daddy).

 

2. I have understood that really, this guy has nothing for me. I still resent him for not leaving me alone when I asked him to do so, before things got complicated.

 

3. I have recognized that I don't really know this man, and the only thing we have is fond memories of one Summer nite.

 

4. I have accepted he is fully committed to his GF, and therefore unavailable to me.

 

5. I do give my self some points for asking him specifically to leave his GF. At least I asked for what I wanted; years ago I would have probably settled for whatever just to have his attention.

 

6. I have understood that I need time on my own (although I don't want to) to heal from past relationships, including healing from this rejection and healing from the relationship with my ever so needy ex-husband (who caused significant financial damage).

 

7. You guys have been pretty blunt -thank you. YES I chose to engage into this crap knowing he had a girlfriend. It still hurts to be rejected and heartbroken all over again. A few kind words would be nice to hear right about now.

 

8. I have been trying to give meaning to this experience, and have realized that my immature inner-self was asking me to explore the possibilities with this man. I guess I could give myself a few more points for listening to my inner-cravings, and having the guts to go for what I felt I wanted.

 

9. Somehow this experience has awakened my inner-self. I have realized I'd shut down my inner-self in order to stay married for 10 years. Reactivating the connection with my fling, has revitalized my inner-self.

 

10. I still feel I wish I had the chance to date this man, but I'm fully aware this is not a possibility. It is difficult and it feels artificial finding the balance between my wants, and the safe boundaries I have to create to stay somehow healthy. I guess this will be a struggle, at least until I repair the shortcut between my heart and my brain.

 

I wish more men had commented on this...

[summernite]

He did it because it didn't "cost" him anything. It was an amusement until it wasn't.

Well, that is selfish.

[mhowe]

Well, that is selfish.

 

Well, yes it was selfish of him. As it was of you --- asking him to leave his gf.

[summernite]

Just one last question,

Why did he want to skype instead of only texting?