Mutual friends and facing the past

[aseeker]

Yesterday I had what I think might be my first breakdown after I started a new relationship. I cried all night and I'm not really sure why, but I believe it was all this confusion inside me that made me feel so depressed. I've been dreaming about my ex, happy dreams. I have a new boyfriend and we've been going out for almost three months now. My ex broke up with me four months ago. It makes me so sad to think I'm not 100% happy with my boyfriend because of my past And even sadder to think my ex still has that control over me.

 

It's not that I want my ex back. I keep recalling our happy times but I know there were really rotten ones too, especially the last few months of our relationship. I know we would never work out. I love my boyfriend dearly but I keep comparing him to my ex - sometimes positively, sometimes negatively. It kills me to think I might still have feelings for my ex. The point is, that shouldn't matter since I don't ever want to see him again. I wish he was dead.

 

He hurt me too much. But I can't seem to get that through my thick head. I just want to be happy. But I'm so insecure. I keep fearing my new boyfriend will leave me like my ex did, or start acting the way my ex did. My ex was not the greastest of guys at first, then he seemed to change, but later I realized he was just pretending to be someone else. I don't like the person he "became" (or reverted back to). All of this is making me insane.

 

--

 

Long story short, two mutual friends asked me to spend the night at my place because they're coming to town for an event. It would be just one night, or maybe two. Thing is, I do like them and they're my friends, but they're also my ex's friends. They're both guys. And I don't trust them to that extent.

 

One of them (I knew my ex through him, actually, as we were already friends before) has been trying to get to me to spill the news about my new bf and saying things like "I need to approve him first!" in a playful manner. But I just don't want to talk about my bf or my ex. I just want to act like nothing happened. And I don't want our conversations to reach my ex's ears or worse - that they will report to him about how am I, how I'm taking care of myself, etc. I mean, it's my personal space they're invading. How do I know they have no ill intentions?

 

Sure, why would my ex care? Because he hates me and wants nothing more than to see me at my worst.

 

Maybe I'm just being paranoid but I still don't want them in my house. Except they're my friends and I don't want to say that to them. It would be rude. I told them I needed to talk to my roommate first to get her approval. Thing is, she could care less if I bring people over. And I keep thinking if I lie and say she's the reason they can't come, I'm scared they'll meet and they'll find out the truth. As I write this, I realize how incredibly stupid I sound, but it's plaguing me and keeping me from sleeping!

 

My roommate is not someone I could ask to lie for me, either.

 

I want them to find someone else to spend the night with, without them getting angry or sad at me. How do I do that? I don't want to sound like I'm not over my ex, either, for obvious reasons. I don't want my ex back in my life, period.

 

They will be meeting my new boyfriend at the event, which is already nerve-wrecking enough. I don't want to spoil something so good because of my idiotic thoughts.

 

Any help?

[Keyman]

Sounds like the month you had between boyfriends was not enough for you to deal with the issues of the previous relationship and make yourself healthy before starting a new one. Sure, it might seem like the best thing, to get involved with someone else. It initially takes the pain away, but nothing is resolved in the past.

 

As for the mutual friends thing, they certainly don't seem to be acting like your friends by being nosy into your life, when they are obviously still great friends with your ex. When a relationship breaks up, mutual friends can either select a side, or stay neutral. If they choose to stay neutral and be friends with both sides, then there is a duty of respect that they do not disclose or seek information for the benefit of one side or the other.

 

They are using you for a place to crash for the event. If you don't want them there, then just tell them you are not comfortable with them being there and neither is you female flatmate.

[Kendahke]

Tell them you can't put them up. You don't owe them an explanation--you're grown. People I don't trust do not get to stay at my house. They sound more like moles for your ex.

 

They can go stay in a hotel. If they get angry, then that's on them. You're not their mother and it's not your job to assuage their hurt feelings, although, I doubt seriously that grown men would be sad because they have to spring for a hotel room. They should have budgeted that in from the jump.

[KarenC]

Personally, I feel that you didn't give yourself enough time to heal before jumping into another relationship and/so this could very well be the reason why you're feeling the way that you're feeling.

 

If I had a bad break-up then I wouldn't want my ex's friends around me either so if I were you -- I would just tell them the truth because I'm sure that they're aware that he's hurt you so they should very well understand because if the shoe was on the other foot; I feel that they would feel the same.

[aseeker]

I know I shouldn't have jumped into another relationship so soon, but I didn't plan it. I wasn't looking for anyone. My boyfriend saw me in college one day and I sparkled his interest, so he sought mutual friends out to find out more about me. He did so for months. I know, I was a bit put off too, because he seemed like a straight out stalker, but I realized he was not a creep or anything. He's a genuinely good guy with good intentions. I've met his family, friends, and we've done so much more in a couple months than what I did in an entire one year and half relationship with my ex. Probably has to do with the fact that he lives just a block away from me (unlike my ex) but still.

 

I don't feel completely over the relationship. Not even close. But I know that has a lot to do with the pain of rejection plus my hurt ego. It's not really about love for my ex. I realize he's an awful person (not just boyfriend) and I should hate him rather than like him. I do miss us, but I know it's just my brain tricking me. When we were together, I thought so many times of breaking up but never had the courage. I thought I loved him too much for that. And when he did it, it was horrible. But later on, I acknowledged to myself that it was for the best.

 

So it's stupid to feel this way. I should be ok with our friends coming to my place, but at the same time I know I have to be cautious. So that's why I'm keeping my distance. One of these friends has been trying to meet up for months (especially after the break up, because unfortunately he was one of the people I went to to cry my eyes out - yeah, I know, bad move but at the time I was so desperate for some guidance for someone who knew both of us, not just me) and I have been avoiding him like the plague. Because we've always been very open about relationships (he's always breaking up and finding new girlfriends since the love of his life broke up with him; now he's back with one of his girlfriends) we've always talked a lot about him and his love life. But I've rarely shared mine, considering I had a steady relationship with his friend.

 

It's hard for me to have them around, surely. And I'm suspicious my ex will be coming to the event too. Which makes me want not to go, but at the same time I know I shouldn't care. Why should I have to cancel my plans, give up something I enjoy, because of that idiot? No way. If we do meet up, it'll be quite awkward because we're not in speaking terms and I have a new boyfriend. But hey, we'll have to face each other some time right? Of course it would be preferable when I was a bit more healed, but what can I do? I just hope he doesn't come.

 

So, to sum it up, I think both of them are better friends with my ex than they are with me. One of them (let's call him Greg) is his best friend, I guess, although my ex always said they weren't best friends (just good friends). He had other best friends (whom I hung out when I was with him, but was never close to at all). He badmouthed these two all the time, mostly because of their knack for jumping from relationship into relationship. Ironic, isn't it? But the other guy (Steve) I was friends with before I met him, so I still feel we're good friends and I trust him a bit. Just not enough...

 

Greg and I do share jokes and stuff, but were never intimate. Although he did like to talk about his love life a lot, I never did talk about mine. Steve, on the other hand, was someone I felt very at ease with before the break-up happened. We shared many interests, hung out occasionally, had many friends in common, and I helped him with his love life a lot too. It was just easy for me to do so. We talked for hours. So when my ex broke up with me, I felt he was the only one who could try to bring us back together. Which obviously makes no sense now, but at the time.... Oh well.

 

I know he probably told my ex about our talks (even though he says he didn't) and maybe he had good intentions because he genuinely wanted us back together, but I can't help but feel humiliated and stupid for going to him. For trusting him. My self-respect reaches just below zero when I think about it.

 

I will tell them they can't stay at my place. It's way too stressful for me to even consider the possibility. Imagining my boyfriend coming over and the four of us hanging out together is just excrutiating. Not to mention my ex. Steve is dying to know about my new boyfriend, which I don't exactly condemn because I used to tease him a lot before when he was single too (but I wasn't friends with any of his exes). Thing is, I don't want to talk about it. Just having them meet up is enough to make me anxious to the core. It's gonna be an awful introduction. But it has to happen, I guess.

 

I just feel really awkward introducing them. What do I do or say? And what if my ex shows up, how do I act? I'm betting on ignoring him (he said to get lost of his life, after all) and pretend he doesn't exist. Childish, but that's all I can come up with. Ideas?

 

Thank you for all your suggestions, it helped see things a lot clearer and stopped me from making a mistake!!