New dating situation: we're both interested, but he's pushing for more...

[potd2009]

Hey all. Looking for some advice with an early-stage dating situation. I've gone out on four dates in three weekends (the last three on the longer/all-day side) with a great guy, and there's definitely been consistent mutual interest so far. We have plenty of shared interests to make dating fun and a strong sense of physical chemistry. And yet I'd really appreciate some advice on two things:

 

1. I prefer to step things up gradually in a new (potential) relationship, and to complicate things, we live 45 minutes away from each other and my weekday schedule is extremely busy. So my preference would be to see him once a week on a weekend day while we figure out where things are going. He's made clear that he'd already prefer more right away - e.g., finding a weeknight on which to have dinner, or seeing each other more than once in a weekend - but that's more than I'm able to give at this point. (If we end up in a relationship, I'd be open to working out a way to do that a few months in, but just not immediately.) He also caught me off-guard by suggesting that while we're both out of town a couple of weeks from now, he could detour on his trip (somewhat significantly) to meet me in the city where I'll be. All of these are things that I'd ultimately love to have in a relationship and that I'm open to having with him eventually...but this is so new that I'm just not there yet. Particularly after this weekend, I'm feeling very pressured by him to be much further along than I am in terms of what I want from this situation, and it seriously detracted from my enjoyment of what would otherwise have been an amazing day with him yesterday. How can I discuss this with him in a way that doesn't strain things between us and makes clear that I'm still interested, but that I need to take things quite slowly (from his perspective)? If possible, I'd like him to understand that him pressuring me for much more than I'm ready to give is paradoxically going to be the one thing most likely to scare me away from actually getting to the same page that he's on ... which otherwise could well happen very naturally for the two of us.

 

2. We're both in the late 20s/early 30s range and both looking for a serious relationship. Given this, there are two potential mismatches. First, I am extremely committed to a career in the specific (major destination) city that I am currently in and to an urban lifestyle. I am absolutely not open to moving to the suburbs, let alone anything more rural; and the specific nature of my career goals will require residence within my particular city's limits. He currently lives in the suburbs (which he prefers to the city) and would prefer to find himself in a suburb or smaller town down the line. I don't sense his preference is as "absolute" as mine is, however. Second, I am childfree and am looking for a relationship involving two adults, no kids of any variety (preexisting, biological, or adopted). While he's potentially open not to having children and doesn't believe he would enjoy day-to-day parenting, he has a sense that he may regret having not having children if he never does. I'm not sure whether these mismatches mean that it doesn't make sense to continue. My feelings on these issues are dealbreaker-level strong, but his don't seem to be. On the other hand, I feel awkward about the possibility of asking him to adapt to suit my choices on these issues down the road, and I'm mindful of the possibility for heartbreak if neither of us are able to budge on one or both of these issues. Thoughts?

 

For some perspective: I like him more than anyone else I've encountered in the past couple of years of dating actively, so I'm not anxious to throw away this situation too quickly unless truly necessary. I'd really appreciate people's thoughts.

[Ms Darcy]

Well, on the other side of the coin, maybe you are not compatible with him. You two seem to have very different approaches to dating.

[potd2009]

Indeed. So the dating question (#1) is whether we can find a way to proceed in the short-term that's comfortable for both of us, given that we'd eventually want to end up in the same place on a number of these things (e.g., midweek dating). And assuming we can, how I should discuss the topic with him.

[Ms Darcy]

You tell him what you told us ... how you feel and your concern. If you can't find a compromise then a relationship is not really in the cards.

[potd2009]

Again, I absolutely agree that I need to discuss this with him: the request for advice was: "How can I discuss this with him in a way that doesn't strain things between us and makes clear that I'm still interested, but that I need to take things quite slowly (from his perspective)?"

[Ms Darcy]

Take the first seven sentences in your number 1. And then change the "he/him" to "you ". Then tell him that.