I did it! My ex finally asked me back!

[Purple]

My divorce should be final in about 2 weeks or so - neither of us asked the courts to mail the decree - didn't want to know anymore. Been together for 7.5 yrs and got married. This past year was awful. found out I have some wacky crossed chemicals in my briain which did contribute to much of the chaos. I moved out in Sept and am miserable. We were still sleeping together up unitl about a month ago when he met someone. She is my physcial opposite and not his type at all! He shares his new happiness w/friends from every coast. He said we had been done for so long that now he is just regaining his life and just wants some happiness and just to laugh. She hates me by the way. He finally asked for the NC rule and I hate it. She is in my house, my bed, w/my dogs and accdg to him not nearly as pretty as I am. He told me it's not physical - she fills a friendship void - she is his best friend right now.

 

By the way, we were on and off for years and could never stay apart. I keep finding all of these wonderul notes and cards froma FEW months ago! Thoughts please! I hate NC and don't want him to forget me. I am doing better w/o him physically and mentally but not emotionally.

 

Thoughts??

 

thanks

[Purple]

They are now having relations- that's when he said it isn't physcial with her, but rather mental.

 

Whatever right??

 

His parents are my best friends.

[fantasia2004]

I suppose I find it hard to believe that the person who does the dumping hurts at all. Surely they want to dump you and feel relief when its over. That's how I've felt whenever I've dumped someone. If I wasn't sure I hung on until I was sure. I never dumped anyone lightly and never regretted the decision. Even though I want t, I find it hard to understand the concept of unthinkingly dumping someone hurting because you did and then later regretting the decision even though you were cold to them as you dumped them. I just don't understand that line of thinking.

 

 

WHAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND IS IF THEY NO LONGER LOVE YOU the dumper that is-why be offended at what you say to them? Why should they take things personal from you when you are no longer together with even if they are dating someone else?

[Purple]

WE have been throughg eVERYTHING together and at this point just don't make each other happy. we have never been able to stay away from each other - call it kismet. We spoke and he told me he hurts horrible everyday - he just wants something eas , non-chaotic now where each person can be their own self. (He was controlling and I was a puppet.) we both realize how awful that was. He is afraid that the patterns won't die and that the damage is too deep. We are figruing out my meds to get me balanced and normal and self sufficient which I have become and hav beomce much stronger than I ever thoght possible. I just don't want to lose him to her w/o giving us a healthy real chance. Don't know if it can be done.

[popo]

I suppose I find it hard to believe that the person who does the dumping hurts at all. Surely they want to dump you and feel relief when its over. That's how I've felt whenever I've dumped someone. If I wasn't sure I hung on until I was sure. I never dumped anyone lightly and never regretted the decision. Even though I want t, I find it hard to understand the concept of unthinkingly dumping someone hurting because you did and then later regretting the decision even though you were cold to them as you dumped them. I just don't understand that line of thinking.

 

Cassiana, ive dumped people also in the past. Just like you, if i wasnt sure, i hung on til i was sure. But i realise that i was never really in love. Never in my live till i met this guy. So is he. He could say that he didnt love me anymore, that he had moved on, but the truth is the feeling is still there. It remains the same. He just can never deny it. the more he denies the more he suffers.

The point is you cant choose with whom you want to love and with whom you want to stop loving. I just believe when two people are really in love with each other, they just cant stop themselves from not loving each other. If they break up, it's because they have issues to work out.

[cassiana]

We had no problems in our fledgling relationship, he said that I had been nothing but great. He let me go due to his stress and illness. He knows he hurt me. I thought we fit very well and we were very happy with him making plans until he suddenly dumped me. There has been no other for him sonce but I thought if he was coming back then he would have done so by now. Its been six months. I know hes been sick, otherwise I wouldn't even email him. I haven't emailed him since thursday to see if after everything, will he worry about me. I really would like if he wanted me bakc.

[trishcollins]

Congrats on getting back together.

 

people tend to change their mind. what they cant change is their feeling

 

Interesting. I like that saying.

 

Yes muneca has been a great support to me too! Three cheers for her.

[milano]

congrats..and may ur example serve all of us well! keep doin what ur doin..dont just stop cause ya have him back..be more cautious ok? fro the rest of us..see it goes to prove taht if there was a love in the relationship at one point..it can alway sbe rekindled i believe..and for some of us it may seem our ex is not even thinkin of us or has moved on..but if the break up was clean and not over somethin severe..then i believe they do think of us whether they like to or not..cause they cant erase those memories from their head, right popo? its a matter of givin time i guess for them to liv eon their own a bit and see what they missin..good luck to us all, but remember keep the confidence in yourself and unexpected things will happen

[popo]

thank you all!! I hope you all will get healed soon no matter which path you choose; get back together or find some one new.

 

Just like what the previous post said, it's not easy as well. but i've already chose to be with my ex again and i'll take all the risk. Well, that's life that we're living in. Full of risk.

[cassiana]

Do you think its playing a game or just pure dumb luck that gets people back together?

[trishcollins]

Do you think its playing a game or just pure dumb luck that gets people back together?

 

Cassiana,

 

Why people reconcile is for a lot of different reasons, but I don't think game-playing or dumb luck will keep people together for very long afterwards, even if it does result in getting them to reconcile.

 

I think that it's a combination of both people really wanting it, and making it work. I think giving people space, respecting their decisions and focusing on healing is the only way we can get through a breakup. Assuming you have clearly articulated how your feel, then going N/C is the only solution.

 

A bonus of doing those things MIGHT be a reconciliation or might not. If it works out, that's great, if it doesn't, at least we have started moving forward in our own lives.

[cassiana]

i'm just worn out from trying. I'm very disheartened. i'm sick of the game i never wanted to play.

[trishcollins]

i'm just worn out from trying. I'm very disheartened. i'm sick of the game i never wanted to play.

 

I think we can all relate to that. I know that I just keep saying "all I want is NORMAL" again. It's all I ever wanted. I remember being happy BEFORE I met my "ex", I just want to go back to that feeling. I am sure at some point, I will get there. Just don't know when.

[milano]

i guess i cant really prove you cause i still havnet gotten back together with my ex..but im pretty sure its a lil of both and more. i have recently found that a prior ex i was with has been really interested in hangin out with me..and thats because i put everythin aside and just let things be..stayed happy to everything..and made improvements in myself and now i just see it as a learning experience cause i wouldnt want to get back with her..particulary cause i didnt love her. time and distance will do a lot!!! that is important i think to gettin back with an ex. its not really a game..ya just have to move on and let them be, if they miss you im sure, and those that have gotten back with their exs can validate this, tehy will begin to understand how much you mean to them/love them and then they will turn around if they can get past thier mistake and pride. if not, then it wont happen. theres no luck in love! think positive and good things will happen.

[cassiana]

My ex and I have never met since and will probably never meet again unless he rings me. Did that other ex see you out and about?

[popo]

i'm just worn out from trying. I'm very disheartened. i'm sick of the game i never wanted to play.

 

Well, stop playing game then. What you have to do is focus on you self and try to move on. protect your heart from being more hurt and make your self better. that's it.

[Kylie_1980]

I think I'm from the other side of the fence in this as it's my ex who wants to get back together with me.

 

I only have one advice- sometimes it takes a lot of time to know a person is not right for you, and even more time for the dumpee to realize the dumper is not right for them. Which is why a six-years relationship may end just as easily as a six-months. A couple will only be right for each other if they both want to be with each other- that's my opinion and I think it's only logical. The thing is to try your best to move on with your life, live it the best you can and try not to be obssessed over rekindling anything with your ex. For if you don't, then you are not allowing yourself to heal from the pain and it will obviously cause you to be extremely myopic in your view on life, both laterally and forwardly- and the only consequence is that you will dramatically shortchange yourself. Things often happen for a reason.

 

A suggestion I have is that you give yourself a reasonable time-frame... for example, if after two months he doesn't ask you back, then behave as if he or she will never do it and get on with your life. Who knows what's going to happen in the future? But one thing you will know is that you will not have WASTED precious time and life hankering after something that could, in the end, not be so worthwhile after all. And you'll also realize that there are SO MANY oppportunities out there- not just in relationships but also in friendship, family, education etc. and most importantly, a rediscovery of self-love.

 

Peace out,

 

Kylie, just putting in her two cents from the other side of the fence.

[cassiana]

I have been dating alot since we broke up. I'm trying to find someone new but we were such a perfect fit. I'm on my third boyfriend since the split. He is nice but theres nothing like the easy relationship and chemistry me and my ex had. I just wonder can something that special all be on one side?

[popo]

I just wonder can something that special all be on one side?

 

good question. this is the thing that i hardly believe. i mean, we come up with the conclusion that that person is 'the one' is not without a reason. It's because at the past they did special things to us. And why would they do that? because we were also special to them.

the question now would be 'how can they change?' In my opinion, their feeling towards us doesnt change. but their thought about the relationship has changed. What make it change? many factors. family, friends, and of course the issues that made us apart.

They think and re think, is the relationship worth to be survived, regarding too many wounds to be cured? or better try to find someone else that might be a better one, with less prob?

People handle the break up with different way. just believe, if you're meant to be, no matter which way you choose, it will bring you back together again.

[cassiana]

I hope so. Up until the day he dumped me we never had a moments tension. Even when he dumped me neither of us insulted the other. I said I was upset and got up and left. He felt bad. What broke us up was his illness and his work. Now he wants to travel a bit before he settles down to a job. I just don't know if im in his plans at all. I emailed him monday, he emailed me wednesday. He should be finished work either next week or the one after. Will he just stop emailing?

[milano]

i agree with popo..believe adn great things will happen. the best things in life happen when u least expect them. when u dont want somethin u get it, also when you want somethin u dont get it. the power of the mind is incredible..why do u think self made millionares are so successful? they only get richer and richer huh? tahts becasue when u have soemthin u get more of it. u got problems..u'll get more of that too, so what to do? say they are not problems and treat them as lil things that can be conquered because u are confident and happy

[panchala23]

I agree popo, its nice to heard someone's situation turn out well. This is the second time that me and my girlfriend broke up. We have been dating for the last five years in a very serious relationship that has spanned high school and college now. THe first time we broke up was during our senior year or high school, she said she didnt love me and never wanted to talk again. Three months later after not talking at all she tells me she wants me back. We broke up this time because she is not sure if i am the one for her and feels like she has missed out on a lot of the college experience because of how serious are relationship is. She said that she feels like relationship wise she is still 16 (when we started dating). She also said that she thinks she never loved me as much as I loved her, and that it was a mistake getting back together last time. I feel like after all that is happened she just stopped caring about me and no longer has any more feelings for me. Girls I talk to just tell me to giver her time and she wil realize how special I am, but I dont really see that. She seems so far from anything like that right now, and honestly I dont really see what is so special about me. I am just a normal guy, and I think she finally figured that out. I am not really sure what I am supposed to do. We talk about twice a week or so. She is doing the next three months of school abroad in California, so I think that may be a good time for her to think about things. We had always talked about how we were missing out on the single life at college, but I thought we both decided on it being worse to miss out on each other. Its tough because I feel like she is still definitely a part of my future and my mind still makes plans with her. She is getting her molars taken out tomorrow and I am not sure what I am supposed to do....send flowers or just an e-card? I definitely used to be more depressed about the whole situation but I think I only had so much depression in me, now I am just numb. Is it really logical to think that she will ever realize how much she loved me and how "special" I am and come running back? I have been working out and stuff in the meantime to keep myself busy, but that only works for so long.

[cassiana]

Its not easy is it. You follow the good advice but still you think about it. In so many aspects of your life you can work harder and be rewarded. However in love sometimes you have to restrain yourself and other times theres nothing you can do. I'm dating again but still missing my ex. I'm also worried that ill end up messing someone else about.