Major problem with girls

[RadBrad12]

I've been doing a lot of research lately (mainly looking at forums such as this one) to find out about shyness and how to converse with girls, etc. Most of the posts I read, guys are talking about the trouble they are having talking to a certain girl they like, but a lot of them also say that they've had at least one girlfriend previous to their current situation.

 

My situation, however, seems a lot worse than any of the ones I've read about. Not only have I never had a girlfriend, but I can honestly say that I have not, in my life, had one girl that I could have ever called a friend. I've been extremely shy all my life, but I think I may be finally beginning to improve. One of my problems was the fact that I never did anything, I just sat around playing computer games every day, but I've stopped that a couple months ago, and am now trying to become more socially active.

 

Also, the people whose posts I have read actually have supportive friends; friends that tell them that they are good looking or advise them to ask the girl they like out. But I have realized that I'm never sensitive with any of my friends, and I keep all of my emotions to myself. I know that I am really a lot more sensitive than I act, but for some reason I am afraid to show it.

 

That, in part, contributes to the difficulty I have talking to girls. Like I said, I haven't had a single girl that I could call my friend in my life, and it's really starting to become depressing - I really am looking for love, but until then, at least in the meantime someone I can have a good time with. This post isn't about a particular girl I like, because there really is no one girl that I like (though there was one who I wrote a love note to and she has since then ignored me). I pretty much develop a crush on any girl who I find physically attractive and she so much as makes a few words of small talk or smiles at me, or some other equally insignificant encounter.

 

I have no one that I can talk to my problems about (which is obviously why I am posting here). I don't feel I have any connection with my parents or friends. The only person I talk to about it is my cousin online, and she can only help so much.

 

I have little confidence, and no apparent means of encouraging myself. Speaking of myself, I might consider myself above-average looking, but I would really rather have an opinion from a girl at my school. I try to be nice, especially to girls, but my inability to show my emotions makes it quite dificult to actually form any kind of friendship with anyone. Come to think of it, none of the friends that I do have are too close, and now that I've stopped living in computer game worlds I'm starting to realize how damaged my life in the real world has become.

 

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

[ShySoul]

Hi,

 

I'm really shy around girls too, and shy around people in general. I know how lonely and depressing it can feel to not have someone to be with, or even too have a true friend. There's really only one guy I consider a true friend, and I'm even shy around him at times. It's hard when you are shy and don't have any kind of support system. You feel like you've got nothing in life and wonder if things will ever get better. They will, just have faith.

 

The first thing you need to do is to work on your self confidence. Is there any subject you are expecially good at or a hobby that really interests you? You mentioned computer games. Are you really into computers? Once you find something you are good at and are passionate about, throw yourself into it. Find a club that has to do with that subject. You'll gain confidence as you realize you are good at something and can meet people who are interested in the same thing.

 

Keep putting yourself out there. Eventually you'll meet people who like and appreciate you, people who want to be your friend. It may be hard but it's something you just have to do. Keep telling yourself that you are a good person and will do fine. Work on breaking out of that shell. Take a chance and try something you normally wouldn't try. By having confidence in yourself and putting yourself out there, you'll be more appealing to others. Hopefully a girl will take notice and want to be friends.

 

Know that your not alone, plenty of people are shy and have a hard time opening up to others. If you ever want to talk feel free to PM me, I'll listen.

[ForAnother]

Hey buddy, i did the same SAME exact thing. I never really did anything or had female friends, or a gf for that matter until my senior year of HS. The reason was is that it takes a while until the girls AND you mature to the point where making impressions doesn't matter. When all inhabitions leave you, and you drink, and have fun, you begin to realize the thigns you are capable of and that you shouldn't worry about things so much.

 

Right now, you are donig the right thing... stop those video games (I still playem), get out there and have fun. Do whatever, go Drinking, jump things, damage things... be a rebel and you will learn something new trust me.. go to a concert and go crowd surfing/moshing.. Anything crazy you can think of, do it.

 

ForAnother

[RadBrad12]

Well a couple problems there: I don't drink and never really plan on drinking, though I realize that if I were to drink it would probably help me relax in social situations. Also, I don't have the "connections" that would get me invited to a party or anything else like that. Even though I stopped playing the games (God I hate them...), I still don't really go too many places, but I am trying to do it more. Now, though, instead of sitting at home playing computer games, I sit there and listen to music/chat with a few peopple online. I never used AIM until now, and I've found it to be a great social tool because when I'm online I can actually be myself and say whatever I am thinking. I need to start getting people's screen names maybe so they can get to know the real me.

[SomeShyGuy]

Hey man I have been down your path. I've never really had good experience talking to girls, mostly girls talk to me, I don't talk to them. This changed my senior year. I noticed this girl that I really liked, I had no previous friendship with her. Luckily I had a friend who knew her and I started talking to her and our friendship is great as of now. I know that talking to girls in general can be a hard thing to do at first, but you got to try it! A good thing that you did was stop the computer games, I did this recently and its amazing how much more things you can do with friends. Its good that you started listening to music and stuff, because that is what i'm currently doing right now. The point is: like shysoul said; find something your good at! Music, snowboarding, whatever it may be, share it with people. If you don't have anything like this, then just try to become more lively around people or in class and get involved! Now drinking is a good way of opening up. Trust me its gets you to say your utmost inner feelings, and this may be good/bad for you. I pretty much share all of your personality and I noticed your the same age as me. I also have AIM so if you want to drop me a line or just talk, PM me and ill give you my screen name. Good Luck!

[fallen]

maybe it's because the people you like you're not really that compatible with? It could be an age thing though..I don't have any problem talking with guys who I have a deep connection with..like we get along instantly, there's just that chemistry (there's only been about 3 guys I've met who have been like this though. sorta rare.) But then guys I'm just ok with I'm sorta a bit more shy around, and don't show my true self. I also appear a bit more professional around them, and less charismatic perhaps..

 

Just try to be more outgoing..but when you find the right person you'll know. It won't be awkward or anything..at least that is what I've found. With the right guy I can talk for hours without noticing..but then I'm not really shy, so perhaps that is why. I am introverted though.

[VictorWard]

Hello RadBrad12.

I had this same exact problem throughout high school. I never had any true friends, so I couldn't get invited to parties. Needless to say, high school is a time I would like to forget.

I wish I could give you some advice in this situation, but the problem is I still haven't gotten over my shyness yet. The only thing I can say to you is do your best to get over this as soon as possible.

 

//This post sounded a lot better in my head.

[ForAnother]

College will be big. For instance, I am a Film Production major at my college. In high school no one was artsy and weirdish like me, but once I got to college I noticed that a LOT of people were just like me. Perhaps it will be college that will change you, and teach you that you are not shy/abnormal, its jsut the fact that you don't click with the people in you HS.

 

Experience, and trekking through life will show you all these things... just give it time.

 

ForAnother

[ShySoul]

RadBrad12,

 

Just wanted to add that you shouldn't listen to the advice about drinking. Sure it will help loosen you up, but it could also cause you to act like a fool and that wouldn't leave a very good impression. What you need is to just find people you are comfortable with and shy things in common with. Talking online is a good thing. You can find chatrooms for topics your into and you feel like you can open up more since you don't have to deal with a face to face reaction. Being online is a good step if your shy, but eventually you'll want to have the person to person contact. And the other poster was right, college will help you out. It'll introduce you to alot of different people with different backgrounds. You should be able to find people who you have things in common with. Don't lose hope and believe in yourself.

[joe45]

hey i'm exactlyu like that and i'm in college. i been a loner my whole life i have like one or 2 if i am lucky friends and everybody else is like an aquintance. i talk to ppl here and there but sometimes their ain't chemistry or u have nothin to talk about and u jsut leave it at that. just talk to ppl and say "hi how ya doin".... and see how it goes.

In HS i was even worst i never talk to ppl even if htey spoke to me, i was even bullied, now in college i talk to ppl here and there but still shy.

i never had a gf or even dated, hopefully some day, gotta get job first

[densil]

Like you I too am a pretty shy person. I somehow managed to get in to a two year relationship (not sure how i managed that!) that ended over 6 months ago. I was shy before the relationship and I am still shy now.

 

But I am determined to become less so! And I think the key is to force yourself to do things that you are scared of / wouldn't normally do. Now I don't mean, clean your room etc. But talking to people. For example, I see a girl coming towards me who I would love to chat to In response, due to shyness, I tend to put my head down, avoid eye contact and keep walking. But now, whenever I get that scared/cowardly feeling I think to myself "Right I am gonna say hello/smile/talk to her". And most of the time, I do!!! And I tell you that gives you so much confidence. You can gain confidence even if it goes terribly. I mean, it doesn't matter if you muddle your words or say something stupid, because you know that you can do stuff like that and it doesn't matter. No one cares if you make a fool of yourself, and more than likely you won't anyway!!!

 

So my advice is get out there, and be cruel to yourself! Otherwise a lifetime will pass you by and you will wonder what the hell you did with it!

 

Hope that helps,

 

Regards,

 

Steve

[grayshifter]

Hey, I'm a girl. Hello to you from our kind!

 

You sound sort of Squall-ish from FF8. It's cute.

 

I was totally like you at one point. Here's my advice, for what it's worth. You don't have to like it, but if you follow it, you'll find yourself in more social situations:

 

1. Geography. When there is a group of people doing things, physically place yourself with them. Even if it's just a conversation circle standing around...you won't be asked to join. No one asks people to join. You have to move your body over there and stand with them.

 

2. Rearrange your mental conception of 'friend'. I used to be convinced that my only friends were the 2-3 people I felt like I was really REALLY close to. You have to switch it around so that 'friend' becomes a descriptor for anyone who is not an 'enemy'. Yes, that makes pleasant acquaintances friends. Go with it.

 

3. Smile and greet your 'friends'. If you know them and you don't hate them, say hi or just smile at them as you pass. You may feel like a poser for a bit, but just do it. People love to be smiled at.

 

4. Ask questions about people. I hate small talk, but it's the connective tissue of social life. So, when you say hi to them, ask them a question like "how are you?" If you know anything about them, like that they play sports or videogames or whatever, ask them about it. The best questions to make friends involve opinions. Ask "what do you think about blah blah blah...the new Halo game...the new boss...that homework assignment...whatever." People love to be asked their opinions. You'll make friends this way. ASK GIRLS THESE QUESTIONS TOO. Think of girls as boys with boobies. We are so similar...don't just limit your interaction to the 'hot' girls. Girls are very impressed by a guy who is comfortable interacting with all, from the nerds to the most popular people.

 

5. You don't have to give up gaming! It's fun stuff. Try games where you have to interact with people, like fighting or racing games. Stay away from online games for a bit. But gaming isn't the cause of your problem...it's only your crutch. And I love crutches.

 

#1 rule...if you don't feel it, fake it. Smile when you are uncomfortable. Greet people when you'd rather just run away. Share your opinions even when you think you're dumb. The more you fake it, the more you'll feel it. It's the faking it that's hard, but SOOO necessary. Faked confidence is only obviously faked to you. Everyone else just sees a confident dude.

 

Good luck, buddy!

[Caldus]

No biggie. Just go out there and just try and meet some more people. That's what I plan on doing next week. Remember that people aren't going to make fun of you or say something that will make you feel uncomfortable unless they are simply jerks (or if you said something that offended them). Keep the conversation light and easy at first and then find out what people are interested in and see if you share some things in common. The conversation will pick up a lot more once you find a good topic for everyone to talk about. Oh yeah, and make sure you get good at remembering peoples' names too.

[Double J]

I also had a major shyness problem in high school. Trust me - college gives you the opportunity to start anew and meet people in a more mature, professional and adult-like atmosphere. People just seem to be more mature and friendlier in college, where things have to be taken much more seriously and responsibly than in high school. After starting college, I changed and became much more sociable. You just have to make the effort and take the initiative to approach people and start a conversation. A tip - talk to people in your classes about the subject as a way of breaking the ice - either a homework assignment or an upcoming test, etc. Then after that you could branch off into other topics, like sports, celebrities, world news, etc. Just think of girls as normal human beings - they're not either superior to you nor lower in any way.

[fusion91]

hey dude, u could try to pick up skatboardin as a hobby to do. its real fun and altho ur a bite late starter, it would still b cool. it would be gettin out an doin sumthin, and u could make new friends.

 

gl wit wuteva ya do =)

[Tomz]

If you are big play football or do shotput in track. a sport is a great way to meet people.