I don't know how to talk to people.

[MattW]

Maybe I'm better off breaking down my various social issues to basic levels and working at them one at a time...

 

As many of you know from my posts in the past, I've never been able to make and have friends, date, or really have any kind of proper social circle.

 

One thing that's occurred to me is that I just... don't really know how to talk to people. I don't really like "chitchat" (stuff like "The weather outside is x" or "How about that local sports team"), to begin with; just seems like meaningless crap that nobody ACTUALLY cares about, but just uses to fill dead air. Plus, I tend to not have "follow ups" for this kind of thing. For instance, if I say to someone "The weather is nice today, isn't it?", and they say "Yes, it is", I wouldn't know what to say next. Then it would have just been an awkward failed conversation starter just hanging out there.

 

I can do a little better if someone starts a conversation with me, but I tend to run out of things pretty quickly, so even those usually fall off pretty fast. It's hard to really describe the problem here. I know my inability to converse like a normal person makes me come off as awkward, and I can usually feel the awkwardness when I'm around someone else as I try to think (often unsuccessfully) of something to say to them. It's not that I don't WANT to talk to people, I just... never know what to say. Which is a difficult way to put this problem, because how do you fix it? It's not a matter of "Do this" or "Do that", it's just a matter of me not having anything to say to anybody roughly 75% of the time I'm around people.

[Bunney]

I used to have the same problem when I was younger, in my teenage years. I remember talking to a good friend of mine about this, a girl who is the epitome of a 'social butterfly', and and expert when it comes to conversations.

I told her my problem and then said something along the lines of, "you always seem to know things to say and how to keep a convo going", to which she replied "that's because I dont think about what I'm going to say. you have to stop thinking about it and just be 'in the moment'. "

 

It went better for me from then on. I stopped putting pressure on myself in social situations and just went with the flow, and stopped obsessing so much about how I come accross/what to say next/etc.

 

Easier said than done, but you can definitely do it.

[vesper]

Just be a good listener to other people and ask questions, people will think you are a great converstionalist.

[Jennifer89]

Most people love talking about themselves, I find that if I ask a lot of questions and share equally, we have good conversation.

[MattW]

Just be a good listener to other people and ask questions, people will think you are a great converstionalist.

 

Most people love talking about themselves, I find that if I ask a lot of questions and share equally, we have good conversation.

 

Well that kinda goes back to what I was saying, I really don't know what to ask people about. Again, it's not that I "don't care" about people, but I just never really know what to actually ask people. Does that make any sense at all?

[blueidealist24]

I hate talking about the weather or like, the hockey game the night before and stuff like that (chances are, I probably haven't even watched it). Instead I do the asking people questions about themselves thing. Usually I start with "So, where do you go to school?" or "Where do you work?" and that gets the ball rolling to a more interesting topic, usually.. when I say that my first program of study was Philosophy, that somehow tends to provoke a lot of conversation. Another question I sometimes ask, even though I sometimes feel dorky when I do, is "how has your day been?" Sometimes the other person will start telling a funny story about their day or something. However, I've learned that there are just some unfriendly people who aren't responsive to any talk at all. If the other person seems really unenthusiastic about my questions, I'll just start ignoring them and move on to another person, lol.

[epsilon2x]

Most people love talking about themselves,

 

This times 1000. I'm self employed and whenever I'm talking to a new client, I always ask questions like:

 

What do you do?

 

How did you get into that line of work?

 

Do you enjoy it?

 

Just sound like you're genuinely interested in what they have to say and let them lead the conversation. You can also add things about what you like to do and how they relate. It really just takes practice. Stop overthinking, just ask the question and wait patiently for the response. Remember to speak slowly too, because many people have a tendency to speak fast when they're nervous.

[MattW]

Hm. Well, I still can't help but feel a bit... "bad" (I guess?) for having this issue. Heck, twice in the last week, people asked me why I'm so quiet, and said I should talk more. I never know how to respond to that, and it just kinda disheartens me and makes me feel bad, because I'm not "quiet" on purpose, yanno? But you can't exactly say "I'm quiet because I don't know how to talk to people", because that just sounds weird. *sigh*

[Batya33]

Be interested in what the person has to say and what helps in that regard is to be an interesting person -whether you're well-read, have an interesting hobby, play or watch a sport, whatever it is that sparks you. When you're interested in what the person has to say and you follow up with a version of "and then what happened" with good, warm, genuine eye contact, you get and keep the ball rolling.

[MattW]

What about in situations where there's not already a discussion happening? I often find myself in situations, particularly when I'm at class (since that's really the most I get out of the house right now), where I'm around my classmates, or around the instructor or staff, and nobody is talking to me and there's just "dead air". And it feels... awkward. I feel like I should say something, I should be able to strike up a conversation, and I see other people do it all the time. It just... doesn't come natural to me at all. When we have breaks in between class, like I said, sometimes I encounter other students and/ or staff in the break room, and unless one of us starts a conversation, it's just silent and awkward-feeling. Yanno?

[Batya33]

What about in situations where there's not already a discussion happening? I often find myself in situations, particularly when I'm at class (since that's really the most I get out of the house right now), where I'm around my classmates, or around the instructor or staff, and nobody is talking to me and there's just "dead air". And it feels... awkward. I feel like I should say something, I should be able to strike up a conversation, and I see other people do it all the time. It just... doesn't come natural to me at all. When we have breaks in between class, like I said, sometimes I encounter other students and/ or staff in the break room, and unless one of us starts a conversation, it's just silent and awkward-feeling. Yanno?

 

That's what I meant in my post -be a person who is interested in other person's lives in a genuine way (and no need to be too personal or pry) and be a person who is interesting to talk to. And it's fine to have comfortable silences. It helps to get out of the house and be in social environments as much as possible -not just at class.

[blueidealist24]

What about in situations where there's not already a discussion happening? I often find myself in situations, particularly when I'm at class (since that's really the most I get out of the house right now), where I'm around my classmates, or around the instructor or staff, and nobody is talking to me and there's just "dead air". And it feels... awkward. I feel like I should say something, I should be able to strike up a conversation, and I see other people do it all the time. It just... doesn't come natural to me at all. When we have breaks in between class, like I said, sometimes I encounter other students and/ or staff in the break room, and unless one of us starts a conversation, it's just silent and awkward-feeling. Yanno?

 

What about "So... how is your assignment going?" Ask them what topic they've chosen and if they're having any problems, etc. People are usually willing to talk about coursework if they're in a class, even if that's not the most exciting topic on the planet.

[joffie]

You know Matt, you sound pretty much like me. I am 25 and don't have a social group or anything like that. Heck, its Saturday night and I am home alone as usual but I am over everyone's dramas.

 

Funny thing, last Saturday I did a bit of a walking trail with my housemate, and at the end I was talking to someone else, however the feedback my housemate gave me was that neither was interested in what eachother had to say, we only wanted to talk about ourself. For example

 

Me - talk about what I am doing

Him - talk about himself

me - no follow up - talk about myself.

You get the drift.

 

You see, if you don't have much of a social life like myself, it is very difficult to take interest in other people. Sometimes, when people talk to me about things I either don't have an interest in or don't know much about I really have nothing to contribute to the conversation. I suppose you just need to "wing it" as they say.

 

To be honest, I wouldn't stress over it, as all this kind of stuff comes naturally over time, but I can say with confidence, good communication and listening skills are very very hard. It is very hard if you are talking to a new person rather than talking with work colleges ect.

 

Hope this helps

[Jennifer89]

Well that kinda goes back to what I was saying, I really don't know what to ask people about. Again, it's not that I "don't care" about people, but I just never really know what to actually ask people. Does that make any sense at all?

 

It takes practice. I like to start with the obvious stuff, like asking where they work, if they enjoy it etc.; or ask a question about the date: I like my first dates to be at a coffee house, so a good first question is if they drink a lot of coffee. Try to think of an easy starter question before you get to the date. Then, as the date progresses, eat off of what she tells you to come up with new questions. For example, if it was my coffee date:

Guy: I do drink a lot of coffee

Me: Me too! I use to drink 5 cups a day but I've cut back quite a bit, now one cup makes me jittery. I have a keurig that I really love, have you used one before?

Guy: No, is that the one where they use the little cups

Me: yup! the coffee is so fresh, I really love it. I think you mentioned that you work in construction?

 

Sometimes you'll need to transition the conversation, but for the most part,you can just feed off of what they tell you. If they tell you they have dogs, ask what type, what there names are etc, if they say they enjoy hiking, ask them where they go, if they enjoy swimming etc. I try to relate to the answer when I can, which is sometimes easier then others. I don't want them to feel like they are at an interview.

 

There are a few things that are important that I like to learn about guys and a few thing I like to say about me, so I try to fit those in and use them as transition questions when I can. When I feel like the date is over, if I'm interested in a 2nd date I'll say something like: Well, it was great meeting you, I hope we get to do this again soon." and if it wasn't so great, I might say "Hey, thanks for meeting me, I'll see ya around!" Then, as a women, I go home and wait for them to make the next move, if I don't hear back in a day or two I might send a text like "hey, thanks for a great date!" and if I still don't hear back, I assume they are not interested, which is fine. I try not to get too excited about first dates, but when I get asked on a 2nd date, I start to feel a little hopeful. As a guy, I think it would be nice to send a little text the night of the date saying that you had a good time. Not 5 minutes after the date ends, but a few hours later. That way she doesn't think you are already too attached and she doesn't think your a jerk.

 

Anyway, good luck! I understand where you are at bc I use to be there too, I've worked on it, I realized that my friends were growing annoyed bc I'd come over and it would be the Jennifer Show. You can get some practice on your friends, next time you hang out, make an effort to ask about them, they will probably be surprised and happy.

[Jennifer89]

Oh yes! be prepared to answer any question you ask, a lot of people throw the questions back at you when they don't know what else to say. So don't ask her about her mother if you honestly with your own mother would die.

[ultimateguy8]

That's what I meant in my post -be a person who is interested in other person's lives in a genuine way (and no need to be too personal or pry) and be a person who is interesting to talk to. And it's fine to have comfortable silences. It helps to get out of the house and be in social environments as much as possible -not just at class.

 

You don't have to be speaking all of the time but the conversation should have a certain flow to it. Honestly, the key to holding a conversation is to ask appropriate follow up questions that lead to more follow up questions. Ask questions that don't require a yes/no answer but instead require a more in-depth answer.

 

Another key is to know how and when to end a conversation. This is a little harder to master.

 

You talked about the example where you would say "Wow, isn't the weather really nice out today?" and a normal person would respond "Yeah, it is really sunny out". Well, if you can't think of anything else to say, then the easy out is to say something along the lines of "Well, enjoy the beautiful weather. Let's hope it stays like this for awhile." If you say something along these lines, you won't feel awkward because the conversation would have run its course.

[Me82]

Your not alone. A lot of people are like this but they don't show it. I read a book once that gave me some tricks like: when you don't have subject anymore, before the conversation dies you pick up a key word of the phrase the other person said and repeat: ex: " how's your day going?

Pretty good, went for lunch and stayed at the pool after.

-Lunch? Where did you guys had lunch?

- oh, we went to a new restaurant near the pier.

- is it good? What kind of food.?

-.... It goes on and on

Or you could say pool? Where's the pool, then starts new subject. As long as you ask them, you keep the ball in their court, they are too busy answering that they don't notice your communication skills.

 

Just pick up a keyword and develop conversation on that.