My relationship is dying because of my personal flaws.

[harlequin45]

Dear Whoever,

I am a young man who has been in a relationship for about two and a half years with this wonderful girl. We started off rocky but began to really hit it off. I have always had a roaming eye and was always looking for someone else. It seems like whenever I am with someone, I don't want them anymore. But when It seems I might lose them, I want them back. Well, long story short, She found out that I had kissed some girl on New Years Eve. This caused her to react violently to me and me to freak out and call the police. We both were arrested on a domestic dispute charge and I bailed us out. I had been abusive to her before and I am currently working through that. I have also had a problem with lying to her and have continuously lied about my sexual thoughts about other people. It has gotten so bad that I am currently seeking treatment for sex addiction. Well, fast forward to the present, about a month after the arrest and we are still fighting, still together. She keeps asking me to do something to make it up to her but I constantly am telling her that I am doing something by going to S. A.A meetings and counseling. My question is should I try to make it up to her without her first dealing with her feelings or am I fighting a losing battle? And can I even make it up to her. I have been the bad guy in this relationship and I am just trying to do the right thing.

 

Quick rundown of topics

Infidelity

Trust Issues

Lying

Physical Violence

Arguing (and going nowhere with it)

[mahlina]

I'm glad that you realized things for yourself. But, you have to ask yourself if it's her who you truly love, or if it's just the thought of being in love with something that you can't have. Lots of people do this when it comes to ending relationships. When they see that their ex's have moved on, all of a sudden, they have this urge to want them back. By that time, their ex's have been so fed up, that they end up walking away, for good. Whatever it is, communicate this with her. Don't play games. If she feels as though she's been taken for granted of, she'll slowly lose her feelings. But, you will never know. Maybe she might want to hang in there and work things out with you too.

 

Whatever you do, strive for improvement. I see that you are, so hats off to you. Consider getting some counseling, especially for the abusive behavior. Perhaps this is linked to something that happened to you as a child? If so, then she does't need to go through any kind of abuse. Relationships should be based on healthy behaviors, and happiness. Emotional abuse can be very painful on her as well. I sense that she's really hurt. Anyway, good luck.

[sonjam]

Hi harlequin45,

 

Im very proud of you, for realising you have problems, and actively doing something to fix it. There are so few guys who tries to fix it, so you are a one in a million! 8)

 

secondly, having been in one of those relationship, and also realising that it is a two way street, maybe she is not the flawless gf you think.

 

I think with getting help for you, she should also realise the way she acts, and reacts will also put fuel on the fire, rather than dowsing it. Im not saying it is her own fault, but what I am saying is she should also go for counceling, to help her deal with issues constructively.

 

To me, it sounds like she is now sitting back, being the "hurt and injured" party, and gets all the power in having you "make it up" in all different ways to her.

 

That is not the way to deal with things. What is healthy is, if you want to stay in the realtionship, is to forgive, FORGET, and work on ways (BOTH of you) to change the behavioural parterns that you know leads to conflict, infidility, etc.

 

How about getting her into her own counceling sessions? Remember it takes two to tango, it takes 2 to make a relationship work.

[Sn0man]

You have issues that you ned to deal with befor you can even begin to think about a relationship with someone. Deal with your own problems first.

[OceanEyes]

You have issues that you ned to deal with befor you can even begin to think about a relationship with someone. Deal with your own problems first.

 

This is easier said than done, but is pretty sound advice. However, it is the kind of advice that when put into practice, seems impossible. I do agree to some point though.

 

How old are you harlequin? Do you have a history of physical violence?

 

I don't think that being in a relationship with this girl is exactly what you want. Otherwise, why would you always have a "wondering eye" and be having sexual thoughts about other women? I think these thoughts, plus the fact that you've been unfaithful, should tell you something about yourself: you're not ready to be settled into a serious relationship. This is perfectly "ok", but not fair to her.

 

I doubt that, just because of what's happened, that you are going to *stop* having these thoughts and feelings for other women, and just be able to concentrate on her. Am I wrong? I don't believe that people change like that over night, and there is no easy way to "make it up to her".

 

Making it up to her, the way that she probably wants you to, is to stop lying, stop cheating, and to put some effort into making her feel special, and that you actually appreciate her. What she's asking for isn't something you can do once, it sounds more like a long-term comittment that you might not be able to give her.

 

Ask yourself some questions:

 

1. Do I really love her? (by this, I mean that you would put your own needs aside and focus on her)

 

2. Do I still have a "wondering eye"?

 

3. Am I able, at this point of my life, to accept that this is the only woman for me, and stick to that?

[harlequin45]

I am 27 years old. I would say this was a problem with the relationship, but I have had this problem for a long time with every relationship that I have had. The problem that I have now is that she doesn't want to discuss these past problems. So we are kind of at a stand still in our relationship. I love her and want to be with her, I am just not sure that being with her is good for me or her. I was abused sexually when I was a child and my father was kind of vacant in my life.

[mahlina]

You know, I was in a similar situaiton like yours as a child, except, my father was good, and he wasn't the one who abused me. However, I don't go around making excuses for myself. I don't use my past as a way to punish others. I don't use it as an excuse for anything.

 

There are several roads, several of possibilities that we choose for ourselves: that also means making the best choices, based on our past experiences. We don't have to fall victim and act out on our emotions. Instead, be a better person from it. I'm glad that you realized what you did, but now, it's time to face the truth.

 

Get some counseling about the abuse. It doesn't hurt to try. And, don't worry about it being a bad stigma, because life's not perfect. It's not our faults that people hurt us when we were kids. As an adult, it's best to make good decisions for ourselves, and be responsible for our own behavior. Just because people hurt us in the past, it doesn't that it's right to hurt others in the end. What matters most is how you build character, by being a better person from all of that pain.

[harlequin45]

I wasn't trying to say that I was abused and that was the cause of everything in my life. I was trying to get advice on my relationship. I just wanted to say that about the abuse so that the person that asked knew about my situation, I think that people who don't take charge of the abuse thing are blaming people. I think that I need some advice on how to open the lines of communication. She won't communicate with me. I am afraid that I have messed this one up past all help. I don't know what to say to her. I love her very much and I want to be with her. I have made a commitment to her. This infidelity happened three years ago. But since then, I have been drawn to other people. I really think that I have a problem with satisfaction and being satisfied with things once I have them. I want to either do two of these things:

 

1. End the relationship and walk away with the intention of not hurting anyone else.

 

2. Stay in the relationship and fight for her so that we can have a good relationship and work through our problems.

 

I am not blaming my deficiencies on anyone else, I just want to stop damaging the relationship and work towards a place where we can have peace and I can have inner peace. It is easy to label me the cheating partner. And I accept that label, but I need to learn what do do in this situation.

[OceanEyes]

but I need to learn what do do in this situation.

 

This is definitely something that you and your girlfriend will have to discuss privately, since any choice that you make will directly affect her. Also, there is no guarantee that anything you try to do will actually work with her, especially if she isn't open to communication.

 

Do you know why she isn't open to communication with you? Usually, when I don't want to talk about something, it's for one of a few reasons: A) I am afraid of starting a full-blown argument and having to deal with my boyfriend being upset with me (and creating tension for the rest of the day - or sometimes even the WEEK). B) I don't feel that my feelings and opinions will be listened to, understood or respected (or all of the above). If I have something on my mind that I think my boyfriend will not respect/ validate, I will usually not even bother bringing it up. C) Talking about past issues brings back old, negative feelings that she would rather forget.

 

Again, none of your issues will be solved unless she will open up and agree to talk about them. I think if you can reassure her that you will be very gentle, understanding, and supportive, she might calm down a bit and try to work with you. It is important that neither of you blame, criticize, or lose your temper. If you lose your temper easily with her, then she may be afraid that anything she says will be dismissed and that you will become angry with her.

 

Ultimately, for whatever reason, she doesn't feel comfortable talking about these past issues. I think if you find out why, you should have something to work with.