Why am I so jealous?

[lerenard]

Hey there,

 

I have a question. I had an ex that was very jealous and as well abusive with me, and now, years later I am starting to be just as jealous as he was with my current bf. I am not abusive nor will I ever be, and I also never accused my current bf of cheating, because I know he is not doing that.

My problem is a bit different. He had a lot of girls (for some it maybe not so much, but for me it is), all of his relationships lasted for 1-2-3 months, except one "true love" of him, where they lived together for one year in total and then he broke up with her, but funny thing is - that girl does not even bother me so much, even if I know that he loved her. My concerns are all about the one that was right before me, and even had the same name. (by the way, he had too much Anna`s in his life, that is kind of weird).

First of all, let me tell you about their relationships. When he saw her, he was with that true love of his, so he never did anything to attract that other girl, because he was in relationship and in love. When they broke up, he was devastated, and for sure like most guys he was crying to his best male friends.

One of them suggested he will find himself a "hole" to entertain himself, and to protect his psyche from too much post-break up masturbation. His response was short "I can not just f**k with anything that is moving without true feelings". He was drinking heavily as well at that time. Anyway, after a week or so he found himself what he was looking for, and he was pretty proud of himself in the face of his friend, who gave him such a valuable advice. She was younger than he is, also with alcohol problems, pretty stupid I would say, (don't want to sound aggressive here, just stating a fact here - she stayed a second year in her last school year because she failed in a lot of subjects and was pretty much hiding that fact from everybody). So they started dating, and getting drunk together. They sent each other cute messages every five seconds, telling each other how much they love one another, and then next day they will fight. They even made a deal later to never get drunk together because it always lead them to fights. In the other hand they were writing 200 symbol long messages about their love and their feelings, one month after they started to date. He called he the same cute name that he calls me now and that makes me sick sometimes.

One time she got drunk t the bar where he worked, and she was showing boobs to random people and kissing with some guy in the smoking room, he acted like it was all ok, and for sure he told her that she was behaving like a sl*t, but he did not break up with her. She did actually, after three months, because as she said "things are pretty complicated between them, and before it gets any deeper they should stop, she is not ready and she does not want a boyfriend". He was again OK with it, said to everybody that he was not even in love with her (despite all their messages) so he is not hurt because there was no love. BUT in late September (they broke up in early August) he messaged her randomly about how she is the object of his thoughts and he often has her on his mind. And again, he was calling her that same cute name. I can not understand was he lying to her or to everybody else around him?

I am very confused still (we are together for almost 8 months, and everything is very good except for this new found jealousy of mine), because I am not like her at all, and in fact not like all his girls were. Our relationship is kind and loving, we have fun together but we are also very thoughtful about our life, we had a holiday together and so on. I moved in with him almost right away, and we had only two big fights right at the beginning of our dating just because he was still drinking heavily back in the days, now he is not at all. After that we live like soul mates totally, no issues, laughing together all the time. He tells me compliments, but he never told me that he loves me nor he never wrote me that kind of messages he wrote his sl*tty ex gf. So you can maybe understand my problem here. Can someone give me a good advice on that please? How it looks from the outside, because I can not think about it any longer without breaking my brains.

[Edmund Exley]

Jealousy is usually a result of some form of insecurity in one's self. Being afraid that the target of your jealousy will find someone/something better.

[lerenard]

That is the problem here, it is not even a jealousy I guess. And if I compare myself to other girls he had, I know that I am much more of a relationship material, you know. It is not about boob sizes or hair length to be jealous about.

It is just the fact that I can not understand why he was so open with rude alcoholic that cheated on him, and he can not be open with me?

[Snow Bird]

I think you spend too much time worrying about her. Their relationship was their own. There is nothing you can do to change that. You are only yourself. There is one thing that you wrote that jumped out to me. It was this here ... After that we live like soul mates totally, no issues, laughing together all the time. He tells me compliments, but he never told me that he loves me nor he never wrote me that kind of messages he wrote his sl*tty ex gf. If I were living with a man, and he never told me he loves me, I think that to me would be a big red flag. I think you are way more into this relationship than he is by the sounds of it. My advise is to either be patient, stop getting wrapped up in his ex.. and continue going the way you are with him and let him love you when he's ready. Or, if your present situation is hurting you too much, you might need to decide to end your relationship with him. It comes down to what you are handling in yourself. Also, if you stay with him, you will have to learn to trust him unless he shows you definite signs of cheating.

[Edmund Exley]

That is the problem here, it is not even a jealousy I guess. And if I compare myself to other girls he had, I know that I am much more of a relationship material, you know. It is not about boob sizes or hair length to be jealous about.

It is just the fact that I can not understand why he was so open with rude alcoholic that cheated on him, and he can not be open with me?

 

That's not jealousy, that's wanting someone to be what you want them to be based on what they were with someone else. Also a self centered issue.

 

Perhaps he didn't like what they had, and he is trying to have something better with you.

[lerenard]

thank you both so much. we figured it out yesterday. had a fight - third one in our 8 months, but it was worth it because at least now everybody knows everything. I confronted him about one other problem I had with that ex of him. He gave me the same flowers, took me to the same places, called me the same name and when I realized that I was very pissed. So I told him if he can explain to me why he did that. At first he was very stubborn, but in the end he admitted that it was a very lame thing to do, and he is very sorry. He is not even in contact with that other girl, and for sure at first he was angry that I am aware of all that and of me confronting him, but then he understood that he hurt me with that kind of behavior. he told me that when we started dating he did not know what to do, because he knew what people are talking about behind our backs, that he is not a match for me, and why the hell I am with him and so on. So he tried to stick with the plan that he did with his ex - flowers, places, words. But then he realized that I am into him as it is, and it does not matter to me what people say, that is where he became even more insecure, because now he knew that we are serious, and all his relationships as I said were 1-2-3 months mostly. And he told me he was afraid to say I LOVE YOU because with that last ex he felt like he lost the deep meaning of it, because they were using it like dirt all the time. He told me in the end that he loves me, and he was hugging me for an HOUR almost breaking my bones, and I felt how scared he was to lose me, he was almost shaking. I started to cry then, because I realized as well how stupid my jealousy and misunderstandings were, but when I wanted to apologize he told me that I have no reasons to do so, it is all his fold that he wasn't trying harder to make me feel special and it was a very sh**tty plan to try to treat me like he treated his ex. He then told me he will try his best and if I don't like something I should tell him right away. Today he will go to his home town, and in couple of days he will come back with his parents, so we can spend some time with them.

So I admit, that was so stupid of me to start that fight, because now I finally have his "i love you" but he told me that after a fight about his ex! that is bad) but as long as I know that it is true I don't care. he told me that he wanted the first recognition to be totally different, special and all, so he will do that for me when the time is right. For now I finally got rid of that ex ghost I had behind my back, and I know that she is the last thing on his mind.

[Edmund Exley]

If you constantly make an issue of comparing your current relationship to his past one you are headed for sure doom. None of what he did in the past should matter.

 

Example, I have called every woman I have been in a relationship "babe or baby". Does it mean I want them to be the past person? NO. Its just the term of endearment I chose because its what I feel comfortable saying. There are only so many names you can use. I bought my first girlfriend roses, should I have never bought another roses? I've bought a few different girls diamond earrings. Not because I want them to all be the same, but because its a beautiful gift and each of them never owned a pair of diamond stud earrings. None of these means I wanted what I had with someone else.

 

It is bad that he tells you about his ex, but it seems you have done your fair share of making his a center of attention as well by wanting what she had. Never good.

[lerenard]

I am very sorry but you haven't fully understood my problem there. And that was probably my own fault because I was to exited to get an advice so my description of a problem and my topic choice confused you. He told me himself, that it wasn't about "why not call you babe or why not bring you roses". He had consciously chosen the same behavior pattern that he had with his ex, when he just started with me. For a purpose, not just because "it made him feel comfortable". It wasn't only about flowers type or names. I just tried to point them out so you have an idea.

And I can not compare them to me, because I know that except our name me and that girl have nothing in common in terms of character, personality, the way we like sex to be and so on. I am committed to this relationship more that he ever was with anybody, so I was confused why it was so easy for him to say I love you to everybody else, even if he dated them for two weeks, and why wasn't he telling that to me when we live together for half of year already. And at first I thought OK, he is afraid, but it wasn't logical because he wasn't heartbroken in his last relationship, so why is he afraid? Why is it happening with me that he is afraid, you know? That is, I guess a kind of insecurity, because I was afraid something is wrong with me and he does not love me, but not in comparison with all the others. I do not know how to put it right here, so you wont explain it all as just "insecurity". Just like there is a lot of people in this world that are all different, there is a lot of issues especially in personal relationships between two people. It wasn't SHE that I was jealous to, it was the fact that he committed to so many strange, fake or even abusive relationships before and had no problems discussing and opening his feelings, and in a caring and loving relationship with me he was silent. Just because she was before me made her such a big deal.

Anyway, it is all good now.

But I did not understood your last statement, Edmund Exley. Can you help me on that? And I think there is a big point in looking backwards sometimes, especially if you are trying to understand what type of guy you are dating.

[lerenard]

I guess I just have very strange old fashioned views on love. There are certain things, places, names and so on that you only share with the one you love. And if it did not work out you wont take your next partner to the same movie, wont call him that special name and so on. "Babe" I guess is not special at all.

But if you have 10 women/man in 10 years than for sure you run out of options of names, flowers and movies. I had many relationships, but I said I love you once to a guy before, because I knew it was true. As well as I wont call someone my dear if I know that he is not. Maybe that will also give you an idea why I was so pissed)