Anna-Sophie Journal

[lerenard]

So here I am, starting my journal. I had several of these before, some hand-written ones, and I always loved the idea of keeping a diary of your life. I am very happy when I write, but I could never finish a long story, so I guess I am a short story type of gal.

My life went wrong when I was 15, I guess. Still, I consider these years to be the happiest till now. Or till the moment I found (re-found?) my man.

But that is a totally different story.

Why my life went wrong at 15? I think I fell in love for a first time seriously, and I was trying to get his attention for one year till he finally asked me out. We started to date shortly before I turned 16, and that same spring we broke up because of me. It was my decision, based on the fact that he wanted to sleep with me and I did not wanted to sleep with anybody at that time, he was addicted, and just all that together did not sound right for me. On the other hand I fell in love with the other guy, that in my opinion was a lot better match for me. So right after our break I started to dream about that other guy. He fell for me as well. This time I was dumped couple of months after, but the reasons were basically the same. Then I left my home town and went to a capital of my county, lived in an abandoned fabric, totally hard-core. The conditions were crazy, but suddenly my live was even more interesting, and people I met there became very dear to me. I wasn't planning to date anybody, I was so sick with everybody wanting just sex at such a young age, but then a guy came my way, a very impulsive, provocative, out-there type of guy. I fell for him immediately. He was such a rebel, I saw myself in him pretty much. And despite the fact that our love story started with something like "what a cute girl, I would definitely f**k you", we never did that, and not did he tried. We slept together, and I mean just slept together, and it was nice.

Problem was, I was leaving after a couple of months to start my art school in the other city (and more than that - it was on an island!).

At first I went back every other week, than it became obvious to me that he was very interested in other ladies while I was away. In the end he was hitting on my girlfriend, that had no idea we are dating, and no idea that we even know each other. When it all went clear (my merits haha) we both sent him to the devil, so he was left with nothing for cheating on both of us.

After some time he wanted me back (some years later we met and he said I was the one to really mess up his love life), while I had two other guys hitting on me. And for sure I understood that they all want to date me, but we stayed friends till I could decide which one of them I like better. Now I look back and I think that I maybe made a wrong decision. A very-very wrong decision.

I was always insecure about the way I look, I never had the features or the body of a typical popular girl, but I consider myself smart and funny, so maybe that was the reason I had so many guys after me when I was only 15-16-17. I had short black boyish hair, was very small and fragile looking, big black eyes and freckles all over my face. And no boobs till 18 (I mean boobs like lady-like boobs not these teenage pimples on your chest). So it was strange and new to me to be so "wanted". At least now I know for sure that it is a lot better to choose someone and be with that person, than to be surrounded by horny man when you are just a little girl, and they all want something from you, behaving aggressive sometimes, and pushing you all the time.

[lerenard]

So, re-reading my first post here I can`t help but wonder if there are several people living in me. Haha. It is nice to have a journal, if only for the sake of quite observation of ones self. I can read my own posts from a week ago and I would not recognize myself.

Boyfriend left today to visit his hometown. He will be back with his parents at Friday. A little family Friday.

Miss him already. It is always so hard to fall asleep without him.

[lerenard]

Its crazy how hard it is to leave you all behind. Every little fragment of you, every word you ever said to me and every wound you left me. First serious mature love should be nice to remember, and I only have shivers and desperate tears of horror when I think of you. And I don't want to. I want the Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, I want no memory of you even if it means that I will let go of all the good stuff we had. I can`t keep running away from myself and from my past. But it still scares me, it scares me because you had the nerve to not only threaten, harass and torment me, but you did that with my family and friends, and that is something I will never let you do again. Sometimes I imagine myself standing in front of your house, and seeing nothing - just a big black hole, like a bomb had hit it, and it all vanished, like our teen-age love that turned into a horror movie of 2009. So many days passed by, I have changed my names, my hair, my homes and my countries. And still I was drawn back to you, how stupid was I to do that? I was running away for two years just to come back to my killer for some more scars. But since last spring it is different. I saw that you haven't changed, and as a matter of fact - you wont. You like your demonic personality, and you think it gives you advantages over other people. And I hate your double game, your lies and how you pretend to be nice when you need to, but when you don't get it your way you show your true face. Your face...used to be my lodestar. But now I only see it in my nightmares. Sometimes I think that our connection is still so intense that you can see what I see, get into my mind, into my dreams. I want you to be happy, I really do, but I don't think that you want that, or that you want that for me. And I pity your parents, and I pity the people that trust you. Maybe I am weak, and that is why I am still afraid. But you make me feel that way, because you always show up when I am the happiest to sh*t all over it. And I am not going to let you do that once again with me. And I will take every opportunity I get to eliminate you or any traces of you from my life, my memory and my emotions.

[lerenard]

Yesterday something very strange happened. I believe in esoteric and spirituality, in fate and so on, and I always notice a lot around me.

So I posted a picture and a song, and the song was by Angels and Airwaves called Sirens. I liked it very much, but its lyrics were quite a surprise for me. I never really listened closely to the texts, and its chorus is like "ladada ladada ladada" and so on. I liked the melody and was singing along what I heard, but in the end its texts came to be totally different.

In the evening I decided that I like it very much and and I wanted to sing it word to word, so I found the text and I was shocked! It is about the pain of a first love, about harassment and fear and about inability to let go of a ones scary past. And the pictures that its lyrics gave me were so real and so close to what I experienced, and what was possessing my mind in the last days. So strange and creepy.

 

Ladada dadada dadada dadala dada

I like your eyes wide.

Ladada dadada dadada dadala dada

I'm knocking at your backdoor.

Ladada dadada dadada dadala dada

It hurts like a knife fight.

Ladada dadada dadada dadala dada

Be careful what you ask for.

 

My man will have his job interview at Monday, hopefully he will like it and take that opportunity, in the other hand he is so much more than just a warehouse/factory worker.

In the other hand two of his friends work there, and the schedule is nice, salary is the same as he had in the bar, he will be picked up by the bus and come home with that same bus, because the factory itself lies on the bypass road of our city. So yeah... but still happy that something came so fast, and he had his free time unemployed for a week and a half. In the other hand working in the music shop or in the studio would make him so much happier, and is so much better. And besides that it is something where he can be as a fish in the water. We will see.

 

Yesterday Uranus came into my life, and honestly, I did felt that. At 20th I should have a good change in my finances and two days after that Aquarius will help me to make my life-long dreams come true. So I am looking forward thous two days.

[lerenard]

OMG, yesterday was so much fun! I loved my BF parents very much, and they loved me too! His mom told him that if he loses me he will be in a big trouble. Haha.)

And it is also feels damn good to stand there on the balcony with your BF mom, smoking a cigarette, talking about books, cooking, vegetarianism and your BF when he was a little boy! His parents are so nice and smart and funny, there is no tension at all when they are around. Loved it so much!

And it is Friday again! This week was fast...

[lerenard]

Weeks go by so fast! But weekends do as well. It felt like one day and its Monday again. I need to take more active rest on my weekends.

[lerenard]

I am so happy now. This month was crazy, so much ups and downs, my BF new job, my old "friend" occurring in my life out of nowhere...

Started to paint again and we are thinking about doing a cover of TLC - Waterfalls together with my boo.

It is cool to have summer now, but I am so looking forward to fall. In my home country September is the best month of the year. Warm, but fresh, colorful leaves everywhere, sun is golden, nights are bright and starry.

[lerenard]

BF pulled his back muscle yesterday. Second week on a new place of work and he pulled his back... He was standing most of the time on his last bar job. And it wasn't so active. Now from not being accustomed to weight lift he has awful back pain, but he said he had it before and normally it goes away in one night. Today in the morning he still had it. and he went to work anyway, because he is thinks he cant skip a day on a second week. And I can understand him, I am just worried. And I realized that there are my problems - I worry too much and I am always poking around and over-analyze. But I do believe in psychosomatic and back pain or muscle pain relates to mother/women in your life relationships, resistance to new experience and feeling offense as well. It can also come from his sense of failure as a manб because we had a complicated month after he stopped working, a bit of money struggle, but it is all ok now, and I am afraid he was angry with me because of the last incident I did not mentioned here... it is crazy because I always say things if something bothers me. and for sure it can lead to a fight, but he always keeps everything inside, and tells me that there is nothing to worry about. From that I worry even more!

God dammit, I am waiting for tomorrow so much. 1 of August is like a new year for me now.

[lerenard]

My man is fine. I am good as well. And tomorrow is Friday again, already. So we both will drive home for this weekend.

 

I keep noticing how gentle he is with me, how he cares and how sometimes he crawls in the bad with me and hugs me, so I almost stop breathing, and it feels like a cat is hugging me, a warm furry purring cat) It is amazing to see how he becomes a man near me. A man I want to stay forever with, which is big for me.

He gave up a lot of things for me and because of me, he changed his destructive lifestyle in two months after we became a couple, and now he tells me constantly that he is so happy and proud of himself, and if it wasn't for me he would be still working in the bar, drinking everyday, being insecure and confused with his life. And I would also still be the same. Now we both found love and strength. And happiness. A lot of it for two people in a one-room apartment.

[lerenard]

Made an accentuation of personality test yesterday.

Turned out to be pretty close.

Between nine personalities, I have 4 that had number 6, one had 9 and one had 10. Only two were with -. An it was just -1 in both cases.

So it is like I have almost everything mixed in me. 9 and 10 were for the man of moods and schizoid, which sounds like me really.

[lerenard]

god, I love him so much, why am I such a sheep sometimes?

I know it is just a fear of loosing him or making him think of me differently, but I should block that sh*t out of my head, learn to control my mood swings better and be a good girlfriend I am.

I don't care if he looked at his EXs page on a social network cite. It happened once, and I do look at my exs page as well, because of a different reasons maybe, but I have no idea about his reasons, so I should stop second guessing everything, over-analyzing sh*t and so on. I know he loves me, I know he is happy, so I need to stop being such an a*s sometimes, and play detective all the time.