Going a Little Crazy. Can't Let Go.

[PaperSt1537]

I've posted about my recent breakup a few weeks ago, but I guess I'm writing about it again because I'm going a little crazy trying to understand what happened and how to let go. I've just recently been left by a 23 year old woman I dated for about four months. We met at a Valentine's Day party, she had just left her ex boyfriend of four years only three weeks prior and I was still at the end of trying to move on from my past relationship that had ended in September. Things between us moved very quickly and we spent nearly every day together after meeting.

 

We both had many aspects of our lives we were unhappy with and we both made a lot of unwritten promises about helping each other improve ourselves. I had every intention of following through on everything I had said I would do, but I'm 37, with many things about my past and present life that I'm very unhappy with, so my outlook on things is a bit on the cynical side, while hers is understandably, far more optimistic. Nevertheless, we both spent most of our time together pretty much ignoring all those things we'd said we'd do and just spent time together, enjoying each other's company. This began to take its toll on her attitude because she started to get annoyed at the fact that we weren't really doing anything to move forward.

 

Add to that the fact that she still had a few connections to her ex, the most bothersome being that he was still using her car to get to work everyday. Later in the relationship I told her this was a big problem for me but she refused to consider stopping it. He was also still trying occasionally to get her back and she was simply ignoring his attempts. I'm afraid I let this bother me so much that I let it become more of a problem that it should have been, giving it too much attention.

 

At the beginning of June, I started going through some very stressful things all at once. I had to move to a new apartment, I was trying to prepare for finals at grad school and my phone had been stolen, which caused me to get very stressed out and I was in a pretty bad mood for a couple of weeks. It was during this time that she got a job working on a film for two weeks and her ex boyfriend was on the film crew. Knowing they would be around each other for this time caused me even more stress and worry and I panicked. I started to pull away a bit emotionally, to put my guard up and prepare for the worst. I know that was the wrong way to go and that I should have been more supportive and helpful and shown her that I was the one she wanted, not him. But I didn't. I was selfish and scared of losing her and I focused on my own feelings more than hers.

 

We had a two week trip to San Francisco planned for June 23rd. It was her idea and she had told me she would cover the bill for it (she's very well off financially) if I would plan things for us to do during the trip so she wouldn't have to since I really couldn't afford to go. I started planning things immediately, speaking to friends I had there, setting up surprise activities for us, none of which I had told her about. However, on the night before the trip, after her film's wrap party, her ex boyfriend came over and pleaded his case for getting her back. Apparently she said "no" and he replied with some awful things about her and this whole exchange really shook her up. When I came over to pack and prepare for the trip I knew something was wrong and I tried to talk it through. I explained that I felt like her ex was a shadow behind everything we do and I didn't know how to move forward with things when he was still in her life. That it was stressing me out and that I just wanted to be with her but I could see her becoming more and more irritated and annoyed with me and I wanted to figure out how to fix things.

 

She told me that she didn't feel close to me anymore. That I talked a lot about doing things but never followed through, that she didn't even believe I had planned anything for our trip. She said she felt like she didn't spend enough time alone after her breakup and that she felt in her gut that she needed that. I explained to her that I had planned our trip, that I realized everything she said was true about me and that if I could just have the chance to prove myself, I could do it on this trip. I felt that we had reached an understanding but when I asked her if she wanted me to stay she said "I don't know."

 

The next morning she came over and told me in person that she needed to go on the trip without me. That she "didn't know how to love or like me" and that she had decided to take her mother instead of me. She was crying hysterically and it was obviously hard for her to tell me this. I didn't fight it because all I really wanted was for her to have what she needed. Later that day, I dropped by her work with a gift I had bought beforehand and told her I was sorry that I had failed her. Sorry that I couldn't give her what she wanted. I had written a note with it saying essentially the same thing and wishing her a good trip. She called me at the airport before her flight and told me she had given me a flight credit for a future ticket. I was upset and confused and I tried to see if we could see each other when she got back and she said she didn't know.

 

While she was gone, I wrote an email telling her I essentially knew it was over, that I knew I was rebound from her ex and that regardless of whether or not she was able to make the changes in her life she wanted to, my feelings for her were for who she is now, not who she wants to be. That I know someday she will be that person but that I hoped she wouldn't be so hard on herself if she stumbled along the way.

 

When she got back to town she contacted me to meet up for coffee. The tone of her communication was very friendly, very inviting so for some reason I allowed myself to believe there was a chance at reconciliation. That at the very least we could perhaps start over, take things slower and I would have a chance to right some of the wrongs I had done. When I posed this to her she was not interested in any of it. She was very clear on the fact that she wanted to be alone, that she needed time alone to figure herself out. When I asked her if she had feelings for me anymore, she said "You don't have the qualities I look for in a relationship." I was grasping at straws so at one point I told her, since the physical part of our relationship was so great, if she wanted that again with no-strings-attached that I would be interested in that. It's so ridiculous an offer and in such a pathetic way that it makes me embarrassed to admit it even here, but she said "can I think about that?"

 

I dragged out the interaction as long as I could but at the end I said I understood and that I hoped I would see her again someday. That eventually I would deal with this loss and that there was no worry of anymore of this kind of bargaining if we ever saw each other again. I don't think I was convincing at all. I'm pretty sure she just wanted to leave long before that. A couple of days after this, I sent her a text telling her again I was sorry if I caused her any pain. That all I wanted was for her to be happy and if being with me went against that it was selfish of me to try and have it. I hoped we could be friends someday and that if she ever needed me for anything to call on me.

 

I think she only really wanted to meet with me for her own personal closure. She's not interested in having anything to do with me ever again and I know why. To her I'm an old loser with nothing to offer. I helped to build her up a little when we started dating but my cynical outlook and my lack of any strong motivation or drive was enough to tell her that I wasn't enough for her. There was so much I wanted to do but I let us both get caught up in each others presence and neglected to be the man I wanted to be. She sees that now and there's nothing I can do to get that back. I didn't even handle the breakup the way I wanted to. I wanted to be strong and to show her that she was wrong to leave me because I could offer her so much but of course I regressed to a begging fool and justified everything she said to me. I've ruined any chance at ever seeing her again and, right now, it's too much to bear. I should be working on moving on and letting go but I feel like I never had a chance to make things right. She said if she hadn't gone on the trip things might have been different but that I had opened her eyes to what she needed and that she needed to be single. She was happy when she met me but she lost that because of me. I ruined everything and the regret is playing everything over and over in my mind and driving me crazy.

[mhowe]

A 37yr old man who let's his 23 yr old gf pay for a vacation... and thinks planning stuff to do is his contribution has a lot of growing up to do.

You are right...the meet up was for her closure. You can use it as the springboard to finally start getting your act together.

[PaperSt1537]

The trip was her idea from the start. I suggested we go on a road trip or somewhere cheaper and/or closer but she said she was going to SF no matter what and she wanted me to go with her. I told her very clearly I was unable to pay for a trip like that and she insisted it was no problem as long as I planned things for us to do.

[mhowe]

Is there a reason at your age that you cannot afford a vacation?

[PaperSt1537]

I've had some financial difficulties recently and I've been slowly getting myself back on track.

 

I really don't quite understand why the vacation is the thing you're focusing on. It was something I stated very clearly for its inception that I wanted to do but couldn't. I said I didn't think it was a good idea and she insisted that it was fine. When she told me she didn't want me to go I didn't argue. I accepted it and told her I only wanted her to do what she wanted to do. Maybe I came to the wrong place to try to sort things out if this vacation that didn't happen is the only thing that seems to matter.

[SooSad33]

I would say yes, she was in a 'rebound' still hurt & confused between you and her ex.

I know it hurts but don't consider yourself a 'loser'. You two just had your challenges and differences.

You tried.. you hurt, as does she.

Now it may take a bit of time to heal over this.. don't try to rush into another one. Deal with you, first, i suggest.

[mhowe]

Because the vaca was supposed to be the cherry on the sundae. You were supposed to be working on your own issues...but by your own admission, you kinda let that slip in favor of hanging out. I sense a lack of drive and ambition. In addition, you took your.stress out on her.

 

Your attitude toward life is what pushed her away. Time to fix it.