Being a perfectionist just hurts her - I want to help

[Trammel]

Don't know which section to put this in. My girlfriend, who I've been with for more than 10 years, is a perfectionist, but someone who gives everything of herself at the same time. What i mean is, she's a perfectionist who is hardest of all on herself, and I think it's affecting her health in the last few years. For the last few years she's had really bad migraines, aside from the fact that she's had insomnia for as long as I've known her. This week she had a really bad migraine on Tuesday and Wednesday. By yesterday she was feeling ok, so of course she cleaned the whole house and ironed everything (we live in Italy and you have to iron everything here...otherwise people will shun you ). I've tried to get her to let up on herself, but she never will, and she cannot see that she's a perfectionist (not just in keeping the house clean, but in organizing everything - we have 2 kids, lots of work, I know, but it seems like she thinks if the house isn't perfect and the kids aren't given the most nutritious dinner possible every day the world will end...) So of course today she wakes up and the migraine has come back...

I know you can't change people - I mean, I know that I can't change her perfectionism just like she can't change my anxiety problems. And about the house cleaning I've tried to help out, a lot, but she won't accept help if the other person doesn't clean/cook/etc. EXACTLY like she wants it done. I've tried to make her understand that people are different and I am not and cannot be her, but she won't see it.

Has anyone had success in dealing with a perfectionist? At this point, the one she's hurting is mostly herself, and I hate to see her do that to herself. She is absolutely anti-therapy, would never go to a therapist.

I just wonder if there's a way I can talk to her about this.

[annie24]

has she ever seen a doctor about OCD? because this sounds like ocd...

[Trammel]

Thanks for the suggestion. Actually, I don't think it's OCD because I have a friend with OCD and I see the difference. The fact is she's italian, and we live in Italy, and in terms of keeping the house clean, she is actually average for an italian - because they are ALL extremely obsessed with cleaning the house.

[IAmFCA]

1. Help her love herself so she can accept her flaws

2. accept t hat letting some details go will be flaw to her

 

I know, been there. im of Greek heritage.

[annie24]

I meant not just with the cleaning, but not letting someone else cook or clean because they might do it wrong. It's taking a toll on your relationship. Have you told her it hurts you when she doesn't want you to do X because you do it wrong? I mean, that's kind of insulting.