Starting Over After The Breakup

[jbdk]

I was in a long distance relationship that eventually went sour. My girlfriend-at-the-time got more and more distant until she said she needed a break to think. She has had depression issues for quite some time and she was not at a high point in her life when all these issues began. We would talk sporadically and she would always say that she didn't feel 100% in it anymore but then again she missed me and didn't want to break up. It was an awful time. Anyway, about a week and a half ago, she sends me a message saying that she can't torture me with her problems anymore and it's time to 'logically' end the relationship, but we could talk about it over the phone or Skype. I told her that I respect and accept her decision, and that it would be fine to talk. We set several dates to do it and she blew me off. The last time she blew me off from 'the talk' was the last time there was any communication between us. I was saddened but no real negative emotions flooded in about her.

 

As much as I want to analyze the situation and see why she was doing that (I feel seeing my face would make it hard for her or she didn't want to have an official 'goodbye' as to keep a door open, which is not wishful thinking for me because I think it's weak and pathetic behavior), I feel that deep pondering over the situation would be unhealthy. I never really did anything bad in the relationship, but I have been focusing on my quirks that all relationships have that cause differences and slight tension. Even if I know it's irrational in my head, I still have to convince myself that she was the one with problems, not me.

 

Anyway, I coincidentally moved far from home for work a few days ago and it's going great. I'm meeting plenty of people and making friends after only a few days. The only problem I have is that I will wake up in the middle of the night feeling horrible anxiety about her and can't sleep. I miss her and worry about her and her problems, but I feel that contacting her to check-up and see if she's ok would just be an excuse. We were great together and I feel her depression got the best of her (or at least she used 'her problems' as an excuse to end things). It's like the person I loved is dead because she seemed to change so much. I guess I am ranting more and looking for support than advice. I do feel like things were sort of up in the air and "ended" haphazardly the last time we spoke, but most likely not contacting her for a while (or ever again) would be the best thing for me. Just starting up a conversation rather than looking for help or advice (but any wisdom to help the bad feelings pass is always welcome!)

[Clio]

As much as I want to analyze the situation and see why she was doing that (I feel seeing my face would make it hard for her or she didn't want to have an official 'goodbye' as to keep a door open, which is not wishful thinking for me because I think it's weak and pathetic behavior), I feel that deep pondering over the situation would be unhealthy.

 

I miss her and worry about her and her problems, but I feel that contacting her to check-up and see if she's ok would just be an excuse.

 

It's like the person I loved is dead because she seemed to change so much.

 

most likely not contacting her for a while (or ever again) would be the best thing for me.

 

I agree with your thoughts above. I also need to point out to you that the manner she broke up with you was extremely selfish. Depression is not an excuse. Nice people do not drug others through emotional hell like that, period. You need to stop making excuses for her. Making excuses for her and worrying about her problems even though she broke up with you may indicate a tendency for co-dependency that you need to address. She chose to live her life without you. And she ended it in one of the worst possible ways. Please stop wasting your time worrying about her (the way she put herself first during your break up shows that she knows how to take care of herself just fine) and focus on making the most with your new beginning. When you put yourself last, you give away the impression that it is ok for others to treat you this way and you open up yourself to pain. Next time you are in a similar situation you may want to think twice letting someone drag you through emotional hell like that.

[jbdk]

Yes, I'm glad that you agree. The way I saw the everything though is that her depression clouded her judgement and she wasn't behaving as herself--which was completely true. I do have a tendency to put others' feelings before mine regardless of the level of emotional connection; I try to think that I'm aware of what's happening instead of simply reacting on emotion, but this might simply be delusional. I rarely make emotional connections with others so this tactic generally works unless I end up falling for someone. I feel like I'm on a good path to heal but the answers that I need (which I will most likely never get) will help me be less insecure about what led the relationship to its demise. Hopefully it's natural to feel this way after a breakup...

[RougeQueen]

It's totally natural to feel that way, jbdk. And you're right, you will probably never get all the answers you feel you need right now. But that's okay. You have the most important information you really need. It's over.

 

I apologize if I'm sounding harsh, but it seems to me like you were giving and giving and giving to this girl while she was just taking, taking, taking. Depression is not an excuse. 100% (not a scientific statistic) of us experience it at one point or another in our lives. That's life. If her problems were that serious then she should have gotten help. You seem like you would have stuck with her through it. Sounds to me like she was making an excuse to end it.

 

I understand your feelings of putting other people first. I'm the same way, and I've been burned time and again because of it. I always felt is was easier to sacrifice my own happiness for someone else's, because maybe someday, someone, would find me worthy enough to do the same. I've finally learned that it is okay to put yourself first sometimes. Especially in relationships. If we don't look out for ourselves, who else will? You have to set boundaries and decide what you will tolerate and what you absolutely will not.

 

I'm so sorry about the pain you're going through right now. I hope that you feel better soon.

[jbdk]

Thank you for your kind words. Like I said, I think I've understood that the relationship is over, but part of me feels that her depression caused her to doubt her feelings for me. She told me herself that I haven't changed and also she is not sure what love even is. I want to believe those are more than the stereotypical excuses and she needs to be alone to solve her problems because she is very introverted and solitary. Maybe I'm just looking to grasp any logic that will help me move on as fast as possible honestly...

[Dat]

Definitely needed to see this today! It really helps me through the feelings I'm having. Although I've truly accepted that the relationship is over, I feel that I keep making excuses for her reasons for leaving. In the end she blamed herself for her demons and doubts, and I always assured her that I wanted to help. She wanted to go at it alone and so I had no choice but to respect her wishes. I was always one to give give give, but towards the end, it felt like I wasn't getting anything back. It wasn't fair, I believe she realized it, and that's why she ended the relationship. Because she saw how much effort I was putting into making us work, and her not reciprocating as much, she felt the need to end it.

[Dat]

Thank you for your kind words. Like I said, I think I've understood that the relationship is over, but part of me feels that her depression caused her to doubt her feelings for me. She told me herself that I haven't changed and also she is not sure what love even is. I want to believe those are more than the stereotypical excuses and she needs to be alone to solve her problems because she is very introverted and solitary. Maybe I'm just looking to grasp any logic that will help me move on as fast as possible honestly...

 

This is the case with both of our ex's, then we have to respect their wishes to go at it alone. It sucks but that's all we can do.

[jbdk]

I'm glad that posting about my situation can provide others in similar situations relief from their pain. I like to think that a scenario such as this is quite uncommon where the one experiencing the most pain in life ends the relationship to try to sort things out on her own. Although the thought that I did nothing substantial to ruin the relationship, I still feel that I'm second guessing myself and thinking that there was more I could've done. I guess maybe I see the breakup as a reflection of my own personal aptitude rather than the outcome of uncontrollable circumstances, which is what I must accept to be able to recover wholly.