Won't See Her For A While, Don't Want Friendship to Fade

[VeryShyGuy]

Being friends with a girl you like and holding back all your feelings for her is kinda tough. Telling her my feelings I am pretty sure will ruin the friendship. Never saying a thing about my feelings will one day make me regret missing my first (and possibly my only) opportunity for finding love. If only I was her friend only for the sake of being friends (not because I had strong feelings for her), it would be so much easier.

 

There are several times where I don't see her for at least half a week. In those times I find myself thinking things like:

-Out of my feelings for her, do I see too much in our friendship?

-Is she ignoring me?

-Will I ever feel ready for a relationship or will she find someone else before that time?

-I am not exactly someone who is teeming with charisma and personality.

-If things don't work between me and her will I ever find love again?

-And if I do find love again will I screw up again in the same way?

-I begin to understand the heartbreak people feel when they have to break up, and I imagine what it would be like to break up with her

-If it weren't for my feelings for her, would I have been friends with her in the first place?

-If I don't see her for a while, will my strong feelings for her fade away to nothingness? I don't want my strong feelings to fade away into regret (regret that I lost my opportunity with her).

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I usually feel quite foolish after thinking thoughts like these. Upon seeing her, a simple smile from her easily erases all these thoughts away. Then, the next time I am by myself and I haven't seen her for a while, I think these thoughts all over again. There are some truth to some of these thoughts though. How much of my friendship with her is because of my feelings for her?

 

At this point, I feel like I am not "boyfriend material". Girls seem to like guys that are very self-confident, something I am not. Sometimes when I talk with her, I sound somewhat needy. She knows that I never had a job before. To make conversation sometimes, she would give my advice on how to find work. I lack inititive when it comes to the career issue (actually I lack inititive in general).

 

I guess this time (now the semester is almost over) it is going to be a lot longer than "half a week". She is going overseas for about a month and it will give me plenty of time to mentally torture myself about me and her (like above). It would be at least till mid January she is coming back. I haven't as yet seen her socially, only at uni. Trying to see her socially as a friend, well that gives her ample opportunity to actually work out how much I like her. Letting her know my feelings will change much, it could strengthen the friendship or it could utterly destroy it. This is a risk I am not willing to take. How do I keep myself from torturing myself until the next time I see her?

 

Sometimes I feel like just telling her my feelings, expect the worst and try to move on.

[Mun]

Hi there,

Instead of confessing your feelings ( and opening that can of worms) why don't you just ask her out? Start spending time with her socially before you let that pass you by.. and before she goes away.

[VeryShyGuy]

Something always holds me back from asking her out. I don't know what this something is. A good guess at what is "holding me back" is because I feel very unprepared when it comes to the "dating issue". I just hope I don't always feel "unprepared". If I always feel "unprepared", then my friendship with her will indeed "fade away".

 

Asking her out, sounds like a simple enough idea, but a combination of feeling unprepared and fear of ruining the friendship always stops me.

[Mun]

It's ok to feel like this. I just suggest you do it casually, without too much effort, but I know it won't be easy. Sometimes you just have to take a chance.

[yada]

Hi veryshyguy, dude I am in just about the same boat as you. Like muneca said "do it very casually" I would suggest do it thru the phone via text message. Ask her out on a weekday I think is good if you want to hide your intentions. For example ask if she would like to hangout and get lunch on Thrusday after school.

[Double J]

Tell her you're going somewhere, and ask her if she'd like to tag along. Make it seem like you already have plans to go there regardless of whether she decides to join you or not. The problem here is that if she only thinks of you as a friend, it's hard to depart from the friend zone. Work on your confidence but stop investing so much emotionally in this girl. The best way to distract your mind is to either take up a hobby or meet some other girls. Easier said than done, I know, but you can do it. Good luck to you

[inastate]

hi veryshyguy,

 

i am been in the same situation as you so i know how hard it can be, especially when you see her.

 

but you have try and ask her out if you are going to get anywhere. maybe she will only want to be friends and nothing more than that, but you will never know unless you talk to her and ask her out.

 

remember that sometimes we can make things in our own minds to be a much bigger deal than they really are...

 

good luck!

[ShySoul]

Hi VeryShyGuy,

 

I agree, ask her to do something casually with you. That fear of hurting the friendship and being unprepared is perfectly natural. But if you don't do something then you risk the friendship fading away anyways and regretting not saying something. That pain is far worse. If you never take the chance then you'll just feel more nervous and unprepared when another girl comes along. You should hang out with her before her trip, spend time together as friends until you can open up more to her. The worse that could happen is that she won't want to be your friend. If that happens then it's her lose for not seeing what a great guy you are. You'll find someone else who will like you and appreciate you. And if she does like then you won't have to worry about it, you'll have someone you can express yourself with, someone who truly cares. But you'll never know unless you try.

 

I know it's hard but it's something you are going to have to do one of these days. The only way that us shy people can overcome our fears is to face them head on. You've found someone who sounds like she cares about you, at least as a friend, and who makes you feel good about yourself. This is a great opportunity that oesn't come around often. You should not pass it up.