Having an affair with a girl who already have a boyfriend

[Shady2003]

Face the music, she loves him more than you, for whatsoever reason.

 

Now maintain your dignity and find another girl. You will.

[Lord Lucan]

The confusing part is why did she left him in a first place? I mean she could just be a little naughty on a side, for some time at least until I get too attached.

But she nicely left him with farewells and tears. So this kinda makes me doubt that what they have is very precious. She must have her reasons too leave. She told me he don't know what to do with his life (doesn't surprise me) or with her and they have grown apart. If any of that is true why go running back? It was not me - we both had a great time together you cant fake that. Blind love? Some misplaced sense of duty or pity? Or hes just that persuasive which he isn't imho.

Now she says she loves him and generally his character is ok and whats not ok she can change. It all sounds quite stupid.

[Tanzi]

It is no more stupid than what you have with her. The difference here is has no idea about you (well, I'm assuming he doesn't) .. but you know about him ... and she has told you she loves him. Yet you're still hanging on.

 

Even though what they have can't be that special (otherwise she wouldn't be getting together with you), neither can she view what she has with you as special. She left you after a week! To go back to him .. and that is where she is now.

 

You seem to be in total denial that she could prefer this guy over you, or that she isn't with him for any other reason than a sense of duty or pity - and it is stopping you from seeing the bigger picture here.

[Shady2003]

Actions speak louder than words, her actions so far show that she's chosen him.

 

You do realise you've set the tone with this girl that you think it's OK for both of you to cheat right? If you are with her and she cheats on you, you'll never be able to criticize her for it, you've set the example that it's morally correct.

 

Either way you'll learn something here. Continue chasing her and you'll learn something.

 

Walk away with pride and you'll learn something too.

[Sparklesong]

It's possible to love one man and still feel sexual attraction for them, which may be what she's feeling for you.

 

There is an old saying, dates back to my college days, lol. It's really corny (silly) but it does have some truth to it: If you love someone, set them free. If they come back to you, they're yours. If they do not come back, they never were yours.

 

Set her free, tell her that it's either him or you, that you care for her a lot and it hurts to know that she has a boyfriend and is cheating on him with you. If she really wants to be with you, she'll break up with him and come to you. If she really wants to be with him, she'll end it with you.

 

What Shady said is so true, that you are sending her the message that it is okay to have a boyfriend and still have sex with other men, too. And don't think 22 is too young and innocent to know how to cheat and use men. Trust me, they are PLENTY old enough.

[ItRainsItPours]

My brother gave me some advice regarding relationships that I still hold true, "let the woman choose you". That doesn't mean to not take initiative in your romantic interests, but what it does mean is that you shouldn't have to convince someone to be with you. It doesn't sound like she has true commitments like marriage/children holding her back. If she truly loved you then she wouldn't settle for anything less. The fact that she is still with him is proof positive as to where you stand in her heart.

 

I'll also say that the situation to how you two got started is not healthy. I'm not passing judgement, I've been with someone who had a boyfriend before, but it usually doesn't end well. That girl did end up leaving her boyfriend for me but it still didn't end well. After we broke up she began dating my best friend two weeks later, karma is a....well, you know.

[Ms Darcy]

I have met her boyfriend and talked with him and he seemed like nobody. I'm taller more muscular, more handsome, more educated, have higher social standing and more money. Her boyfriend is just a regular bloke without education, but she is really smart girl studying law and all. I cant even imagine what they can talk about at the dinner table.

 

I think this is what makes you sound self-absorbed.

 

You guys make it sound like I'm some self-absorbed *****. I'm not a native English speaker, so it might look that way. I just wanted to point out that objectively (if one can be objective in my situation) I'm a better man then he is, at least for her. But that doesn't sound very clever that's true.

 

I think that one doesn't help. I would suggest humbling yourself and realizing that she is with him because she loves him. She had the chance to be with you and consciously chose to keep you on the side.

 

Everyone cheats and lies at some point, me thinks. I have done it, but that doesn't mean I treated all my girls badly or cheated all of them.

 

Well that explains it. You don't see cheating as an unacceptable action. And yes cheating is treating your "girl" badly.

 

I tried dating other woman option. And it seemed to work. She was very jealous (shes with boyfriend, but shes jealous. How stupid is that?) and that's how I got her back for some time after one of our now casual break ups. But then of course I couldn't and really didn't want to date anyone else so it kinda stopped working.

Maybe I just have to start some serious, heavy dating and combine it with ignoring her. Ignoring in a gentle way. Like I love you, but I don't want to be alone and wait for you forever blah-blah... That might work, but it seems a bit low towards those other woman.

 

It is very very low towards those other women.

 

I don't really agree with those who are jumping on this girl saying she won't be faithful to you. Neither of you value fidelity mch. I think you two put together make a very toxic dynamic.

 

I would very much doubt you would be interested in her if she was single and pursuing you. Often in these situations, for the "other man" it's the unavailability and excitement of it all that causes the attachment. It's a bad place to be morally and makes it very hard to "choose" to be a faithful partner long-term to anyone in the future.

 

My advice would be to let her go and do some self-reflection on the harm that cheating does.

[Lord Lucan]

My advice would be to let her go and do some self-reflection on the harm that cheating does.

 

I can do that. She "left" me again today. This is getting almost funny. And there goes my noble plan to let her choose and keep my distance.

I am letting her go, but she just keeps coming back. I'm not stalking her or anything. Based on past experience she should be back by Thursday. Probably some text with apologies for hurting me, then I will text something nice and forgiving to her and so on and so forth... I guess we are just crazy. She definitely is.

And I cant see no harm from this particular cheating. She's 22 years old, no plans for marriage or kids, they are not even living together. Why cant she just switch boyfriends. I wont buy that she loves him. No way you can do this so repeatedly to someone you truly love.

I'm so tired I can't feel anything now

[Ms Darcy]

She doesn't want you as a boyfriend.

[Tanzi]

And I cant see no harm from this particular cheating. She's 22 years old, no plans for marriage or kids, they are not even living together.

 

So that makes it OK then??? Cheating is cheating is cheating.

 

If you see absolutely no harm in "this particular cheating" then you probably won't really care to see any harm in any form of cheating (ie. if someone were engaged or married) given that this "particular cheating" doesn't seem to play with your conscience at all.

 

I wont buy that she loves him. No way you can do this so repeatedly to someone you truly love.

 

No, she can't love him but neither can she love you, seeing as she has "left" you for the fifth time.

[Lord Lucan]

So that makes it OK then??? Cheating is cheating is cheating.

 

If you see absolutely no harm in "this particular cheating" then you probably won't really care to see any harm in any form of cheating (ie. if someone were engaged or married) given that this "particular cheating" doesn't seem to play with your conscience at all.

 

Why should it? I'm a single man who just happens to love a girl. Why should I care about some blokes feelings? Technically she is cheating, I haven't promised anything to him. Plus he would be better off without her, me too probably, but that's another story.

 

No, she can't love him but neither can she love you, seeing as she has "left" you for the fifth time.

I think its sixth time now, not that I'm counting. And she could love me. Sometimes I think its pure narcissism on my part - she is so much alike me, only female and younger.

 

Anyway I'm still clinging to that plan of mine. I guess it doesn't matter if she dropped me currently. Ill just invite her to chat and tell her I love her, but she needs to go and get her stuff straight, before this can go any further. Funny part is, I'm 99% sure she will come to meeting and wont be surprised we are talking about such things even if shes being the repentant, loving girlfriend at the moment

[Tanzi]

Why should it? I'm a single man who just happens to love a girl. Why should I care about some blokes feelings? Technically she is cheating, I haven't promised anything to him. Plus he would be better off without her, me too probably, but that's another story.

 

You said you saw no harm in "this particular cheating" .... well, whether you actually care or not is one thing, but you should at least be able to recognise that what you are doing is harmful to others. You would, no doubt, see the harm if it were happening to you.

 

I think its sixth time now, not that I'm counting. And she could love me. Sometimes I think its pure narcissism on my part - she is so much alike me, only female and younger.

 

Anyway I'm still clinging to that plan of mine. I guess it doesn't matter if she dropped me currently. Ill just invite her to chat and tell her I love her, but she needs to go and get her stuff straight, before this can go any further. Funny part is, I'm 99% sure she will come to meeting and wont be surprised we are talking about such things even if shes being the repentant, loving girlfriend at the moment

 

I think you are flogging a dead horse here. If there was a chance she could love you, wouldn't she be willing to try. Why would she have gone back to her bf after a week? A week! She wasn't even prepared to give you guys a chance.

 

I get that she doesn't know what she wants ... and to a degree she is probably too emotional immature to know what she really wants ... but that is a sign that she will continue to run back and forth all the while you let her. The only way this situation could change is if YOU change it.

[Doc Blaze]

Funny thing is she is playing you both, and you both keep taking her back...