She asks me if I'm asking her on a date?

[blueidealist24]

I would not go on a date with a guy if I was not interested in him. Most women feel uncomfortable "wasting" a guy's time.

 

Well, if I still wanted to be friends with him but wasn't interested in him romantically, I don't see the harm in saying "let's go as friends." That's not necessarily a waste of his time because everyone can use friends.

[tiredofvampires]

This is all getting too rule-driven. This is like "date by the numbers" or something.

 

I don't go by a rule-book when it comes to getting to know someone. If I like enough things about someone, I could be anywhere from "not sure how much I like him/how far this could go" to "I only see him as a friend, but who knows" to "I only see him as a friend, and hope he'll be open-minded enough to consider me just a platonic friend" to "I can't believe how stoked I feel, I'm really attracted to this guy." In all of those scenarios, I'm going to want to not rush to judgment or rush the process, and see how things unfold. So however you're defining it, I'm going to expect him to accept the risks of asking me out, which is that this could come to nothing. I accept the same risks.

 

Go for what you're feeling and what signals she's sending you, don't get hung up on terminology.

 

I actually think you answered her perfectly -- you didn't commit one way or the other, and gave her room to define it however she wanted, but you expressed interest that was genuine. So it wasn't pressuring to her, but it was also enthusiastic, and that's the best balance of things.

 

I think she's just not interested in you as dating material and feels it'd probably go that direction, so she's bowed out.

[Dougie_D]

For her NOT to say anything back to me is rude IMO. That's what bugs me. Not saying thing at all is a cut throat rejection and it makes me feel like what happened last week (dinner and concert) was absolutely nothing to her.

[tiredofvampires]

For her NOT to say anything back to me is rude IMO. That's what bugs me. Not saying thing at all is a cut throat rejection and it makes me feel like what happened last week (dinner and concert) was absolutely nothing to her.

 

I agree it's rude, but then again, it's not unusual.

 

It seems the way people give answers these days (the advent of texting really took this to a new level) is to NOT give them. "Silence is your answer."

 

Blowing people off is the norm now, as a communication device. I think it's a cowardly way to let someone know what you want/don't want, but it's easy. Just ignore someone and they'll leave you alone after a while.

 

You haven't really described how this first "date" occurred and how it was presented at the time, how the build-up to it occurred, but it seems that there was something casual enough in it that it didn't feel like a date.

 

As I pointed out before though, you said her having kids was a problem for you and you didn't want to "lead her on", so it seems you're not clear what you wanted out of this.

[blueidealist24]

For her NOT to say anything back to me is rude IMO. That's what bugs me. Not saying thing at all is a cut throat rejection and it makes me feel like what happened last week (dinner and concert) was absolutely nothing to her.

 

It is kind of rude. She should tell you she's not interested in you that way. However, like tiredofvampires said, unfortunately a lot of people use silence as a "no" these days, especially with the predominance of online dating where you can communicate with multiple girls or guys at one and just go find a "new person" when you aren't interested in the current one you're talking to.

[Dougie_D]

Timeline:

 

1. Met her at a club/concert and traded numbers and told her we should go out to see live music together, since that was what brought us together first.

 

2. Waited about week or so and said something like "don't forget the 25th!"... I made it in a way that maybe she forgot that I had already mentioned a specific day to hang. It worked!

 

3. She made the move to invite herself over to my house so we would take 1 car. Because of this suggestion I felt like it was going to be a date because most people would "meet up in separate vehicles".

 

4. We take my car and we get dinner together. After bill, we split it..but that was because she suggested it.

 

5. Go the show. I am friends with one of the bands. So I introduce her to some of my friends, etc.. She ends up talking a lot to one of the band members parents that was at show for some reason.

 

6. Sometime during show, she tells me she had a "date" that day but cancelled to go out with me. I thought that was a good thing.

 

7. After show, we went back to a local bar near my place. There was going to be an after-party but we had to wait until the band guys go done loading, etc...So I had suggested some last minute drinks.

 

8. The bar closes, and the I didn't get a call for the after-party. I walked her back to her car (which is parked in my neigborhood street) and I said if she's too drunk to drive she can crash at my place. She decided to bolt.

 

--

[blueidealist24]

It sounds like she was kinda interested since she said she cancelled a date to go. It sounds like she definitely was interested in being friends. There is a chance she might have just cancelled the other date just because she really loves music though. If she's just interested in being friends she might take her time replying to you. Don't be surprised if you get a text out of the blue from her in the future. She might be hanging out with a lot of different guys.

[NorthDallas40]

OP, I think there's two important things to keep in mind for the future:

 

Blowing people off is the norm now, as a communication device. I think it's a cowardly way to let someone know what you want/don't want, but it's easy.

 

I completely agree that the "falling off the face of the earth" approach to rejection is completely lame.

 

But it's going to happen to both men & women again and again. So rather than take it personally, look at it as an excellent screening opportunity. If someone's non-responsive, non-committal, and wishy-washy, respond in kind and/or demote them to 2nd or 3rd place... because they've done the same thing to you.

 

Investing serious feelings in these kinds of people will never pay off, so don't do it.

 

Which leads me to the 2nd point:

 

Not saying thing at all is a cut throat rejection and it makes me feel like what happened last week (dinner and concert) was absolutely nothing to her.

 

Yes, it's rude & it's a rejection, but I wouldn't say cut throat. It's not like she was your girlfriend and cheated on you. THAT'S cut throat!

 

But the fact that you're upset that a FIRST DATE (that wasn't even specified as such) meant "absolutely nothing to her" should give you pause to examine why you're investing so much emotionally so soon.

 

Sure it's disappointing when your feelings aren't reciprocated, but the first date is WAY too early to get hurt by that. Not even the 2nd, 3rd or 4th dates should be that important.

 

When you accept that the "fadeaway" rejection is always going to be a possibility, and that a first date doesn't really mean all that much, you'll be able to approach dating in a way that will be much more healthy for you.

 

Achieving that acceptance will likely change your overall attitude for the better, and since you'll be less worried/bitter about rejection and more focused on just having a good time in the moment, you'll likely appear much more laid-back, confident and fun.

 

And believe me, future dates will notice that... and like it!

[Dougie_D]

And believe me, future dates will notice that... and like it!

 

The problem is I get rejected a lot! Like A LOT! Even trying to get a date from a girl is RARE, so it's really tough to realize that what I "accomplish" in my life is not even an accomplishment in general. Getting a first date is a big thing for me. So when I get a date and then realize later, the girl never thought it was a date I feel extremely crushed.

 

It's like getting an invitation to tryout for a sports team just to realize later that you tried out for the practice squad.

 

It's like getting bullied all your life and then you stand up to someone who makes fun of you just to get hit again. My confidence keeps lowering.

 

You mention "future dates". I never know when or if I will ever have them. Not easy.

 

People who get dates a lot and constantly complain about it hurts people who can't even get a date. Also, these dates/girls are all I know about even being in a relationship and females. I can't compare it to anything else. That sucks too!

[abitbroken]

Well, I guess after really thinking about it, a date is more "exclusive". Meaning that you shouldn't mingle with other people that she knows is just mutual. When I go out with a girl, I will NEVER try to look or make conversation with another girl. That's a date to me.

 

But then I've heard girls say that its a "date" if ONLY the girl likes the guy. If not, it's just an outing to eat dinner or lunch.

 

When you are going out one on one you should NEVER talk to other girls. Even if you are out with a female friend - unless the agreement is to go out together to be eachother's wing person - you should always concentrate on the person you are with. you just look like a jerk if you are out with a woman who doesn't know you well enough to know if she likes you or not and you end up floating around the room and ignoring her.

 

 

I replied -- "I don't know what you would like to call it but I definitely want to get together

 

 

I would have risked it and said "Of course!' I mean, after all, she did give you the green light by telling you she cancelled a date for you.

 

Never heard back...so today I replied - " Seem's like today can't work in your schedule. Let me know what is best for you"

 

Over text this sounds like "okay FINE...I guess you are TOO busy." in other words it can sound like you are preemptively rejecting her. PHONE is way better than texting in the early stages.

 

I think that you have too many expectations and have too much criteria that tells you how a woman rejects men. She could be rude by not responding or she might not have an answer for you yet. I for sure would have called on the phone and chatted instead.

[abitbroken]

But sometimes we DO NOT know it is a date because we don't know what the guy is thinking either. The people getting more dates are probably not trying to label them dates. They are going out one on one and treating it like a date with no label and if they both mutually want to go out again, its a good sign. By a few dates its very clear what is going on - that they are dating.

 

Just assume it is a date unless you have been friends with a woman for a long time and therefore its not clear and you WANT to make sure you both think its a date

[blueidealist24]

But sometimes we DO NOT know it is a date because we don't know what the guy is thinking either. The people getting more dates are probably not trying to label them dates. They are going out one on one and treating it like a date with no label and if they both mutually want to go out again, its a good sign. By a few dates its very clear what is going on - that they are dating.

 

 

The problem is that she was the one who asked him point blank if it was a date, so he kinda had to give it some sort of label..

 

I agree though that you should call next time instead of texting. It's way less easy to ignore a call too, so at least you may get an honest answer.

[abitbroken]

The problem is that she was the one who asked him point blank if it was a date, so he kinda had to give it some sort of label..

 

I agree though that you should call next time instead of texting. It's way less easy to ignore a call too, so at least you may get an honest answer.

 

I know - but i was speaking in general. Sometimes women don't know going into it if the guy doesn't indicate or we don't know how we feel about the guy yet.

 

Yes, he should not have answered so tepidly. He should have said it was a date and if she flaked or declined at least he would know if she liked him or not. Now he doesn't know if she a) is upset that its not a date and she doesn't want to waste her time b) doesn't like him c) is just genuinely busy or is having trouble with her phone.

[Dougie_D]

I know - but i was speaking in general. Sometimes women don't know going into it if the guy doesn't indicate or we don't know how we feel about the guy yet.

 

Yes, he should not have answered so tepidly. He should have said it was a date and if she flaked or declined at least he would know if she liked him or not. Now he doesn't know if she a) is upset that its not a date and she doesn't want to waste her time b) doesn't like him c) is just genuinely busy or is having trouble with her phone.

 

Honestly, I got the answer when she asked me "Is this a date?" right away. That answer was B.

 

If the answer was A. you are implying that she was interested in "dating" me. If that was the case, she would have to assume that the "first date" was an actual date in her mind and she would be HOPING for me to ask her out again. So when I ask her out again, why would she ask me that? Plus, people are saying that it's not until at least 5 more dates when things should get serious and just get to know each other. It sounds like this girl wants to get that chemistry off the first meeting/date.

 

If C. was the answer than it has taken her more than 4 days to respond. I doubt that.

 

 

Anyways, I'm over it. It was obvious that she wasn't interested. Girls have told me... if a girl was REALLY interested in a guy, they would go out of there way to see the guy.

[blueidealist24]

 

 

Anyways, I'm over it. It was obvious that she wasn't interested. Girls have told me... if a girl was REALLY interested in a guy, they would go out of there way to see the guy.

 

That is true.

[agent1607307371]

Anyways, I'm over it. It was obvious that she wasn't interested. Girls have told me... if a girl was REALLY interested in a guy, they would go out of there way to see the guy.

 

 

"I cancelled a date to see you."

 

What's that called?

 

And then you gave her a weak answer. So now you'll never know.

[oap81]

I am glad you mentioned that she said this. This is key to me and it seems everyone ignored this quote from her. In my experience when a woman mentions another man,that's a one way ticket to friend zone and your done. I want to add my two cents on the main question. "Is this a date"? A lot of guys give vague answers for fear of rejection in my opinion.

"I cancelled a date to see you."

 

What's that called?

 

And then you gave her a weak answer. So now you'll never know.

[tiredofvampires]

"I cancelled a date to see you."

 

What's that called?

 

 

Actually, I call that tacky and unclassy.

 

I don't tell one person that I cancelled with someone else to see them. Not in this casual type of situation. It's ingratiating in a way that puts the other person in an awkward position. It comes off slightly more like a sacrifice than a compliment, but attempting to be the latter.

 

"Um...thanks?"

 

It's not necessarily a straight shot to the friend zone -- she could really be more into the guy she cancelled the other date for. Or a woman could be stirring up a little competitiveness, if she's of that mindset (which is gamey). But either which way, it's neither necessary nor cool to tell people who you're juggling to their face, even if it's favorable to the one in front of you. imho. (the only exception would be if you're dating multiple people and you're having to clarify that in a conversation.)

 

This woman isn't a big loss, Dougie. She's a klutz at communication.

 

Edit to add: And I agree with your assessment of her response. You didn't tell her it wasn't a date you were asking her on, you didn't tell her it was a date. You just told her whatever you call it, I want to see you again, and for most women, when they like a guy, that's quite enough to run with. I don't see your answer as tepid or flakey, I see it as relaxed and not rushy/pushy.

[Dougie_D]

Yeah, she didn't tell me about that she cancelled the date she had until half way the night. (Between the dinner and the concert)

 

Also, it was apparently some guy on an "online dating site" which is even more confusing.

 

Maybe she didn't want to pass up a FREE show? We were both on the guest lists

[tiredofvampires]

That's just really poor form. I don't know the tone she used or the vibe, but I'm guessing it wasn't with a glint in her eye of mischief, saying, "I passed up a date to be here, with you" *wink wink*

 

Btw, I added something to my last post.

[blueidealist24]

Yeah, she didn't tell me about that she cancelled the date she had until half way the night. (Between the dinner and the concert)

 

Also, it was apparently some guy on an "online dating site" which is even more confusing.

 

Maybe she didn't want to pass up a FREE show? We were both on the guest lists

 

It could have been the free show thing. She also could have been trying to tell you that she wasn't into an exclusive dating arrangement and had other people "on the table."

[memento]

She was nervous about dating someone she meet online so she met up with someone that she met before, you. She probably told the guy that one of her friends was in town or whatever to get out of the date. She told you she canceled a date with you to friend zone you. She didn't want to crash at your house because she wanted to bolt.

[j.man]

I'm confused..

 

Why would a girl say that?

 

Especially since I already took her out for dinner/drinks/and a concert previously. So this would be a 2nd date in my eyes.

 

I just asked her to a movie together.

Evidenced by that quote and the fact you're on these forums talking about it, I'd say that despite you telling yourself you didn't want to lead anyone on, you saw yourself soliciting a date. I don't know why you couldn't just be honest with yourself and her and say, "yeah, I am."

[Dougie_D]

Evidenced by that quote and the fact you're on these forums talking about it, I'd say that despite you telling yourself you didn't want to lead anyone on, you saw yourself soliciting a date. I don't know why you couldn't just be honest with yourself and her and say, "yeah, I am."

 

Because I HONESTLY don't know what she considered a "date". The week before when I took her for dinner/concert, I considered that a date from the get go. So when she asked me if it was a "date" , I felt like whatever I had done before was not going to be how she would want her "experience" to be. Did I not give her the vibe that I liked her enough to date her from the start? That's why.

[agent1607307371]

Dougie, you both were on the guest list. That to me is not taking someone on a date, it's hanging out.