Need a guy's perspective - Back in contact with ex: what does he really want?

[pandorasbox1]

Okay so I've decided to post this in bullet form just to condense and summarize things as much as possible

 

• Together for just under 1 year 6 months
  
• He broke up with me about 2 and a half months ago
  
• We were both unhappy and it was just a matter of time
  
• The breakup was amicable and we still loved eachother a lot
  
• He kissed me when he left
  
• We stayed in contact because we both wanted to work things out but I had a lot of insecurities I had to work out before we resumed
  
• He said he would wait for me as long as it takes and went in this thinking its going to be months
  
• We saw eachother twice in the month after the breakup
  
• There was always kissing/ hand holding etc involved. No sex
  
• I lost patience and said I couldnt do it anymore. I felt he wasnt taking me seriously but looking back I think I was being unfair because I hadnt taken any real steps to changing either
  
• I was far too focused on him to make any improvements to myself. He could see this and perhaps why he wasnt ready to restart a relationship
  
• I walked away and he was clearly hurt. I contacted him for a while after, begging him to be in my life. He never said yes or no
  
• 8 days no contact
  
• I broke no contact
  
• I called him and we spoke. He sounded good. He said he didnt resent me and wasnt mad at me. He said he understands why I had to leave. He said he wasnt writing me out of his life. He said he would reach out me after we have had some time apart to really discover ourselves again without the other person.
  
• I asked if we could be friends eventually, he said yes. He said he values me and wants me in his life. He has never wanted to or had any inclination to be friends with any of his other ex's
  
• 20 days no contact
  
• I break no contact... AGAIN
  
• We have a nice light chat on whatsapp. Nothing serious. He confesses that he has wanted to reach out to me a lot during NC but thought it might be too soon for me
  
• He sounds like he has been struggling emotionally
  
• I tell him that the door is always open for some communication. I felt okay speaking to him and didnt feel like I was set back in any way
  
• 2 days no contact
  
• I contact him again. This conversation is a lot more serious. He says he has missed me and tells me what a wonderful person I am. He says he would like LC on a non-regular basis. Maybe once a week.
  

 

(Also: He has not been seeing any other people since the breakup. I know this for a fact.)

 

I thought about asking him where this was all going but we had just gotten into contact with one another. I told him the ball is in his court if he ever wants to speak. The thing is I am already feeling so bad about all this. I have moments where I feel like this contact is a good thing, and other where I dont. I dont want to just get impatient and up and leave again. I dont want to have regrets. I want to give this a fair chance. I still want him back, but not right now... Maybe in a few months. I dont feel I have worked on myself enough to not make the same mistakes as I did in our previous relationship. But im not entirely sure what he wants either. He has admitted that we are nowhere near the friends stage. I wonder if he is working towards a friendship or something more? Im okay never being with him again. Im open to spending my life with some other great guy. I dont know. I guess I just have a lot of concerns about being in LC. Its better than speaking to him everyday because atleast I will still have time to myself to be me. Maybe if I become the girl he fell in love with he will want to work towards a relationship? Things have been so serious between us and I want to be that light-hearted joking person I always was with him. Im just not sure where he is at. I dont think he would want a relationship anytime soon either

 

So guys, please shed some light on this from a male perspective? What might he be thinking or trying to do?

 

Should I give this a fair chance and ride this wave out before I give up on him forever and close this chapter permanently? - which means, no friendship ever.

 

Please dont tell me to move on. We both still love eachother a hell of a lot and if I know him at all I think he does want to be with me at a later stage. I dont want to close myself off to other opportunities with other men though, should they present themselves.

[StayTrueToYou]

So this question is a little bit unfair... you ask for advice, but specifically say not to give you the advice that you need to hear - which is move on. Relationships shouldn't be this tough. If it was meant to be - you guys wouldn't be playing these 'cat and mouse' games. Sounds to me like neither of you really know what you want - so in a way, you are both right when you say that you need to rediscover yourselves and make changes. Any contact that you guys have is just going to make the break up more difficult. Give it some time, give him some space with no contact, and maybe down the road you guys can be friends again. You said yourself in your post that you are "okay never being with him again."

[Edmund Exley]

So this question is a little bit unfair... you ask for advice, but specifically say not to give you the advice that you need to hear - which is move on. Relationships shouldn't be this tough. If it was meant to be - you guys wouldn't be playing these 'cat and mouse' games. Sounds to me like neither of you really know what you want - so in a way, you are both right when you say that you need to rediscover yourselves and make changes. Any contact that you guys have is just going to make the break up more difficult. Give it some time, give him some space with no contact, and maybe down the road you guys can be friends again. You said yourself in your post that you are "okay never being with him again."

 

Exactly. And you even pointed it out yourself with this:

•We were both unhappy and it was just a matter of time

•The breakup was amicable and we still loved eachother a lot

 

Loving each other a hell of a lot isnt always good enough. You have to be compatible.

[april15]

He loves you, he has had time to lessen the intensity of how miserable you two were all the time. Now he is craving the intimacy that usually accompanies the love. You are not ready for that. Tell him no and re-establish NC.

 

You say you want more time NC to work on yourself but then you say you want to keep options open. Let the ex know that you are no longer thinking just him. That this NC is not a break or time away, it is off and you and open to where ever your heart leads you. Truly cut him loose if that is how you feel. Stringing him along with the notion you are working on getting back to him is bad form in my book.

 

You might be surprised, cutting him loose and being truly free could give you that perspective you are hoping for to move forward in a positive fashion.

[pandorasbox1]

I understand... It just seems like we both have a really hard time letting go of the other. Even if I did cut him loose I know that he would find a way to be back in my life somehow. I dont know. Im just in a state of confusion I guess. I guess the only reason I would want to keep up with this LC thing is if there was a chance that we would get back together and If I knew that that was what he ultimately wanted... But I dont know. I dont think he would ever just come out and say it because I think he is scared that I would lose my marbles again and start expecting too much

 

I get the impression he doesnt want me to move on from him. I can only speculate as to why. Him and I both know the second we start dating other people that there is absolutely no chance for friendship so this friendship ploy seems like BS to me but somehow he still wants to be close to me.

[pandorasbox1]

also, if I do decide its not what I want and that I want to move on and go forth with NC again, do I inform him or do I simply just never speak to him again?

[DN]

You need to decide, now, what it is that you want and then act accordingly. But what you can't do is to put the relationship in limbo and then expect things to work out some time down the road.

 

I never believe relationships can be fixed while people break up to 'work on themselves'. It's one of these fashionable but flawed ideas that rarely, if ever, works.

[ellie11]

Things have been so serious between us and I want to be that light-hearted joking person I always was with him. Im just not sure where he is at. I dont think he would want a relationship anytime soon either

 

Female perspective but wanted to chime in because I can relate. It sounds like you're afraid of the relationship, the intense feelings that it evokes in you, and you're not ready for it. It may have even brought out insecurities you never knew you had. Whatever it is, as you said, you need to grow, in ways that you're probably not even aware of yet.

 

I think the best thing for you both would be to break it off completely, walk away, and come back to it after some time, a few years even. If you find yourself falling in love with someone else or he does, then it was never meant to be.

 

I understand you want to give this love and relationship a fair chance, but given that you both need to grow, there's no way you can give that connection justice at this point in time. Getting back together so soon after the breakup, before you two have had the time to develop personally, will only lead to the same conflicts and unhappiness that broke you up in the first place.

[pandorasbox1]

Thank you, and Im glad that someone else can understand how Im feeling at this point in time. I definitely need to have a long hard think about things.