Rediscovering Myself

[annainlove]

I came to this forum few years back. I was hurting really badly then. I had been dumped by my boyfriend then. I got over him. Became friends with him. Rejected him back when he wanted me back. I didn't do it to hurt him. I just had no feelings left for him. For me, he was just a good friend with whom I spent some really good times.

 

Today I am back again. I am back again with another broken heart. I broke up with my boyfriend last night. I packed my bags and came over to my place. He dropped me home. Both of us are not happy. He is not happy. He is pretty shaken. I could see it. But it had to be done. It had to be done because he declines to commit. He declines to make me feel secure in this relationship. I have been hidden from his friends and family for long time. He finally took steps to introduce me to few of his friends. This happened after mentioning it number of times. Family is still off limits. Two years and his family is still off limits. Even few months back they didn't know I existed. I couldn't take it anymore. I asked him if he knew where we are heading. He still doesn't know. I have been feeling as if he is stringing me along in his indecisiveness. I had to do it. Then why I am feeling so horrible? Why did I cry the entire night last night? Why do I miss him and want to call him? Why does it feel as if he broke up rather than me? So many unanswered questions.

 

Plan is to not go back to him and go back to old routine. Plan is to stay put. Plan is to get over him. Plan is to heal. I need to heal. Need help.

[annainlove]

I miss him. Miss him terribly. Cannot stop crying. I don't know what to do. I miss you sweetu. I miss you so much.

 

Please don't hate me. I did love you. I just couldn't stand being hidden.

[annainlove]

What would make me feel secure in myself?

 

1) Stop trying to find security in others. Life is uncertain. People in your life are not permanent. People come and go. This includes even the closest of close people. It includes your parents, brothers and sisters, boyfriends, husband, wife, friends, everyone. Nothing is permanent. Thats why trying to find security in a man is not the right approach. I need to find security in myself.

 

2) One thing that is permanent is GOD. As long as you can have faith in him/her, if he/she is there somewhere, you should be fine. If you have to find security in someone, you need to find that security in your faith in god. This is personal. No one can take it from you. No one. This is permanent.

 

3) Build your friend circle. Build your support system. Few good friends is what you need. In this new town you need to find new friends.This is healthy. Centering your life around one person is never healthy. Find people with whom you can share few moments of good conversation. It doesn't even have to be always good conversation. You don't have to be so picky about friends.

 

4) Get financially secure. Start planning retirement. Save save save. This is important. You have to make yourself financially secure to keep yourself independent.

 

5) Need to buy a car. Without it social life is pretty dry.

 

I think I can start doing this.

[annainlove]

I am a transplant. I am a non immigrant alien. Never understood why 'ALIEN' was necessary part of my non immigrant status. I suppose human beings coming from developing countries have green blood, horns in their head, eyes popping out of their socket and maybe three hands. Not that I would mind three hands. Last time they drew blood, it was red. It was an assumption though. I didn't survive the glimpse of the blood. On a second thought, how can that be? I am a woman. That cannot be true. It might have been the glimpse of the needle. However, I doubt that. I have been poked hundreds if not thousands of times before with a needle for blood test. To think about it, it certainly has to be the thought of dealing with health insurance for one band aid they stuck on the spot they drew blood? Don't really remember. They had to wake me up after few minutes. My blood could have been green. There is that possibility. Lets say my blood was green when I landed in this country and thats why the ALIEN status. Lets just have no confusion in that. Why fight with the system? They know it better. It was green when I arrived.

 

It has been almost 10 years now. Ten years since I first set foot in this country. I have noticed that my blood has started to become red. The bright red blood that everyone else has here. How do I know my blood is becoming red now? There was no need for blood to be drawn. Certainly not after paying $110 for a band aid. I just had to open my closet to do spring cleaning (Spring really comes in May for 1 week in this part of the world). I found 25 very colorful shoes staring at me. Twenty five beautiful shoes bought separately to commemorate 25 beautiful occasions - mother's day, father's day, friendship day, Easter day, Halloweens day, holiday season sale day, Christmas day, post Christmas sale day, thanksgiving sale day, ahhh ahhh.. not to forget, the famous valentines day. Did I miss something here? I am sure I did. The point is not to name the endless days we have created to celebrate each aspect of human emotions. The point is about assimilation. My blood is assimilating to become red, bright red. I have 25 shoes in my closet and still it is not enough to match it with every dress I have. It is still not enough to make me look pretty enough. It is still not enough to make me look smart enough, it is still not enough to make me look fashionable enough.

 

When my blood was green, I used to have exactly 3 shoes. One for work, one for going out with friends & family and one for home. Was I poor? I don't think so. Did my parents not have enough for me? I don't think so. Did I waste time in thinking what shoe matches with what color dress? Not for once. Did I think if I had enough? I never complained. Was I happy? 100%. Was my life simpler? 110%. And yet, I chose red blood over green blood. Why? Now the term 'ALIEN' makes perfect sense to me. However, I am not sure whether I was an 'ALIEN' then or am I an 'ALIEN' now.

[annainlove]

Boyfriend situation still sucks....big time...

 

Kept 6 shoes. Donated rest. Feel good. Something is simpler. Something I have control over. Don't have any control over boyfriend/ex-boyfriend situation. But I have control over my life. It has to become simpler. It started with shoes.