Please help me understand WHY I feel this way...

[Breea]

Hello, I am searching for an answer as to why I am feeling the way I am right now. I am dating a wonderful man (for 6 months now). I have no doubt whatsoever in my mind that he truly loves me and wants to be with me but I am having a problem with his ex gf.

 

The problem is that she has called him on numerous occasions. They had a relationship on and off for the past 6 yrs and I believe my "problem" with them having contact is the fact that she has a part of his heart and always will and I cannot change that no matter what. I believe that when it's over it's Over, end of story ..especially given the long history and there is nothing holding them together (kids, etc.).

 

I don't think he wants her back or that she wants him back, actually. I think she doesn't like the fact that he's moved on and is in love (and living with) someone else (me, obviously). I am normally not a jealous person, really I'm not ...but this gal is in my thoughts and I don't like it. I have tried to be rational and reason with myself. I know I have nothing to worry about. I trust him 100%! This girl has tried to cause trouble between us somewhat, though. He finally reluctantly (but on his own will) changed his cell #. She had a friend go to his father and get his new # (using a fake reason for needing to get ahold of him). She then tried her best to get him to "meet" her. He was cold to the friend and said no, but he refused to call her and tell her to leave him alone even at this point. We have argued about it because I want him to be considerate of my feelings and it seems he's more worried about hers than mine. He flat out refused to tell her he's happy and in love so they should not have further contact. This leads me to believe that he's keeping the door open "just in case" it doesn't work out with me. That is very hurtful to me. I want to get this girl out of my head and not have to wonder if she's calling him or if he runs into her (which is likely since we live in a small town).

 

How do I get this bs out of my thoughts on a daily basis? As i said before, all I can figure is that I am insecure because she holds a special place in his heart and always will. Why does that hurt so bad? ..especially since I trust that he loves me and wants to live his life with me. Any opinions or advice will be soooo greatfully appreciated. Thank you!

[Day_Walker]

You are having these feelings because you have no control over the situation so you feel helpless. You have to realize that this situation is out of ur hands, he has a history with his ex and he always will. He is with you now and there is no telling how long that ur relationship will last. Enjoy the good time but also be aware of what his actions are towards her and if it becomes more of a problem then you need to break up and find someone else.

[Scout]

I tend to agree with Day_Walker on this. The situation is out of your hands. You say you trust your boyfriend 100%, so you'll just have to hope he has the character not to do anything and drop the subject.

 

In the meantime, work on making your relationship a truly fulfilling one for both of you. Do NOT let this girl affect your efforts to do that. Make a conscious decision to not consider her a threat to your relationship.

[Blue Skittles]

Hey Breea - I went through the exact same situation with my boyfriend I am with now. You can view my posts on this forum with the title "Jealous cuz of past relationships.."

 

At first I felt very helpless and that I did not have any control over the situation, and at the same time I was very jealous because I've been cheated on in the past by different men.

 

Well, the first thing is - I talked to him calmly about how I felt. I somehow avoided any arguments - but I also told him that I was not going to continue a relationship feeling this way. I told him his ex had no business talking to him now that the relationship was over, and that I did not feel that it was fair to me that she should call him all the time.

 

Well, I brought it up really calmly and I told him that he would have to make a decision - and if he wanted to continue being with me - then, he would have to do SOMEthiNG about this situation - or he would have to move out and be without me, because I wasn't going to be in a relationship where I had to constantly feel jealous.

 

He made a decision and emailed her and told her to stop - and she did.

 

Not everybody is the same so I don't expect that you will handle the situation the exact way but you have to take some careful thought - figure out exactly how you are feeling, and if there is something he can do to help you stop feeling this way let him know. Just be honest with him about your feelings and what you want to come out of the situation. Hopefully he will understand and do something about it. Feel free to IM me - we are going through the exact same thing..

[nmduipd]

I understand how you're feeling – you're feeling constant threat to your relationship but there is nothing you can do and it could stay there for a long time. It's not unusual at all to feel that way.

 

But, don't expect the worst!

You know he loves you and you trust him.

It doesn't sound to me like he's keeping the door open. He doesn't want conflict with her, that's also understandable. Maybe, even he knows something you don't, maybe that would make her even more determined to cause trouble b/w you.

Besides, she constantly reminds him what kind of person she really is. Not very nice to resort to tricks like that! And there must be a bunch of reasons why they broke up in the first place.

Did he change his cell # because of her?

 

Blue Skittles handled the situation in a very mature way. I think it's worth trying.

But, not everybody is the same and some people could feel threatened by the subtle ultimatum: her or me.

You could try and talk to him calmly about how he feels about her without pressuring him to cease any further contact with her.

Or, maybe… this might sound like a bad idea - but think about it:

What if you try to become friends with her? This will help you understand her point of view (maybe she is not that bad after all) and also you will be in a better position if she is up to something. I think it could make the whole thing less important and you wouldn't feel as if the situation is completely out of your hands.

Keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer!

[Breea]

thanks for your replies. The thing is that when I DID sort of give an ultimatum for him to actually Tell Her ...and cut the ties, he flat out Refused! He says I'm over-reacting and being ridiculous.

 

Also, nmduipd ...I don't think I could be friends with her. For one thing there's quite an age gap between us (over 10 yrs ..i'm the old one lol). We'd have nothing in common.

 

Any suggestions for how to not think about it???? It's draining my energy and I don't like the way I feel about it.

[bnybrain]

Maybe he's the problem.

 

FACT (and I can say this with the ut-most certainty): If he really saw no "future" with his ex-girlfriend he would NOT give two hoots about her, he'd bluntly tell her to back off and then not think twice about it.

 

TRUTH (and I know this might hurt): He does still have feelings for her. He cares about how she feels or if she is sad. A person isn't concerned with his/her ex NOT because they broke up, but rather because they have moved on with their own lives. He has not moved on, he still thinks about her, which he shouldn't. The only female who, rightly so, should be on his mind is his girlfriend, and in this case that person is you.

 

QUESTION: Is he concerned about your feelings or how "uncomfortable" you feel with his situation with the ex (as you have vocally expressed to him)?

 

ANSWER: No. If he was, then you wouldn't have posted this thread on this forum. And, surprise, you're jealous. He's placing you second place to his ex-girlfriend. If that's not reason enough for a confident, sane women to become jealous, then I don't know what is.

 

SOLUTION: You can't take any steps in the right direction, whether it be with him or not, UNLESS you address the truth of this situation. It is wrong what he is doing to YOU. YOU, also are important here. I can see that, can you?

 

Hannah

[nmduipd]

I agree, Bnybrain, he shouldn't have feelings for his ex, not in the ideal world.

But people don't automatically stop caring for each other as soon as they break up. It doesn't have to mean that he wants his ex back. He just doesn't want to hurt her, or even feels that he'd hurt her enough already… He doesn't have to hate her just because he doesn't love her any more.

Even if that means that he has not moved on yet, he is in the process of moving on and some people might need more time than with the others.

So, Breea, maybe - just maybe - you are overreacting!

Although I don't believe that anyone has the right to judge your feelings and label them as 'ridiculous', it is quite possible that he doesn't see any reason for you to feel jealous.

You could try to put yourself in his shoes and to try to think like him. If he has nothing to hide he may feel wrongly accused and start to feel defensive. Try to understand him.

 

Anyway, to answer your question, you cannot change the circumstances but you could change your reaction.

Convert your negative energy into positive – every time you catch yourself thinking about her, go and do something nice for him. The more energy you use worrying about her, the less will remain to put into relationship.

Stop negative thoughts – whenever you start to feel jealous, try to think about all those nice things that he does for you and how much he loves you.

If you feel you can't deal with it on your own, you should talk to him (not argue) about how you feel. Help him realize how much it bothers you. It is possible that he underestimates the importance of the whole thing. Give him a chance.

If you still feel he's neglecting your feelings, maybe he's not the right guy for you.

[justagirl20f]

I guess I'm thinking I'd feel the same way you are. I'd also be pissed to heck that he doesn't seem to care about me and is obviously putting you second. He can't love you and do this to you, just my opinion.

 

What would I do? I guess rather than try and tell him what to do, harp at him, nag him to death, or whatnot I'd just sit back and try not to let on that it's eating away at me.

 

One of two things will happen... He'll stop talking to her because she'll lose interest as will he once he a)feels there's no "forbiddeness" to what he's doing and b)his feelings for her really do die down (assuming that you're right he does like you a lot and their relationship still hurts him). Remember guys will always want what they cant have and they will always want to rebel if you try and become their mother.

 

Or maybe, because you're no longer harping at him and getting in the way, they'll get back together. You'll find out, because how long do you honestly think she'd go without wanting to be #1 again and so he'd have to cut you loose... If this is the case, know it woulda happened anyway. Seriously, nothing you coulda done would have prevented it. He wants her and not you if he chooses this option, and you're better off without him.

 

Good luck!

[Recovering_Lover]

Hmmmm.....This is just my opinion....

 

If the ex is like a freshly broken one, then you need to sit down and talk to him and try work out your fears and jealousy etc...although easily said its not easily done.

 

But if the ex is a old one, then maybe there is nothing to worry abt?

 

I have remained friends with most of my ex-g/f's. It doesn't mean I still love every one of them. Its just that I treasure their friendship.

 

But, I have notice that commonly, most people don't like doing that, they just want to move away, and not be friends with them at all.

 

So, you just have to talk and work it out. As everyone says, you can't control the situation, so go with it and just be aware.

 

But pls, pls, don't nag at him etc...=)

 

R.L.

[Breea]

I appreciate your views on this subject. It is a sore one for me, but I'll just have to trust in him and in the love I feel between us. I can't give his ex any power over my thoughts, which is what I've been doing. If what we have is real nothing will come of her. If not, time will tell. Thanks again everybody

[Luciana]

I disagree with everyone here except for Bnybrain. That was the most sound analysis of the situtation.

 

It is inappropriate for his to communicate with her since they had no kids together. He should respect YOUR feelings about it. If it makes you feel sad and unconfortable, he should quit doing it if he cares for you.

 

Unfortunately, you will have to cut this out the hard way, since he is not paying attention:

 

Tell him simply (it's not a me or her ultimatum): "When you resolve your feelings for your ex and your heart is free, you know how to find me".

Move out, or ask him to. If you have alrerady talked to him and he hasn't done a thing to respect you, it's time to leave.

[bnybrain]

Thank you Luciana.

 

I only hope that Breea can see how crucial your advice sincerely is. Breea, again, I reiterate, perhaps you are simply not accepeting the truth here. I know it must hurt and I am not trying to inflict more pain.

 

Hannah

[Breea]

I know I gotta accept the cold hard facts. Thanks for you input everybody

[Breea]

I'm so sick of this. She showed up when he was working and had a little confrontation. She had her best friend with her and according to him only the best friend blasted him and he had words with her. He says SHE (the ex) never said a word, which I find hard to believe. He said he told the friend that it was over! and he walked out.

 

He told me about the incident so I don't think he's being sneaky or wanting to see her, but it just seems like childish games with her. She is accomplishing what I think her goal is, because we are agruing about it (her).

 

Here's what is happening ...I did get upset that she pops up again. Which I think is perfectly understandable! Am I wrong? Now he is mad at me for not being happy about it. Why does he get mad at ME. Shouldn't he be mad at HER for her bs???

 

What gives??? Any opinions appreciated.

[PrincessLinzay]

I have to agree with bnybrain and Luciana on this one.

 

Maintaining contact with an ex is unacceptable once in a new relationship. They are an ex for a reason and you don't need them as a friend either. The only reason people still talk to their exes is because there is the potential to get back together, or they want to keep their security blanket in the event the new relationship fails.

 

He knows that it's making you upset and he continues to disregard your feelings. He's also getting defensive with you. I would be very wary.

 

Keep your head up.

[bnybrain]

You know what I think about the situation...

 

We're here

Hannah

[Breea]

Thanks!

[Hillary1991]

I have a similar situation going on to. (posting on friendship and friends). I know the feeling of not being able to let it go and thinking about it all the time. Early on, my boyfriend and I used to argue b/c I would come at him defensively or crying out of frustration. Once I took a calm tone, it did wonders. It was after she called him multiple times while we were watching his hometeam's baseball game that I calmly said, "you need to know that I'm getting to the end of my rope on this" "tired of feeling this way" etc. We discussed it, he really listened, and cut her off. Same thing though - know he would never be interested in getting with her but you hate feeling so angry and just annoyed at their persistance. I was never jealous either and you feel like you're put in the position of being "that girl" who freaks out. It sucks but it will soon pass! Don't let her interfere b/c it sounds like he is taking steps to cut her out. If she stalks out his cell number, that's her being desperate and wacky. He didn't do anything wrong there so don't make him feel attacked by you. He's put in a weird position as well and you want him to be honest w/ you about what's going on!

[Breea]

thx hillary, glad to hear all is well with your situation. She hasn't contacted him lately, but it still really gets my goat that he doesn't cut her out! Leaving good ole faithful open if he should ever need her. But I don't dwell on it so much. Although it does anger me inside.

 

I guess what gets to me is that she still somewhat has control. She has the nerve knowing he has a serious gf now, but she think's she's all that enough so to call him anytime she wants. She should be looking for a good ***** kickin imo! lol

[bnybrain]

Breea,

 

She's not the one aiding the problem, though. Why are you so angry at her? It's your boyfriend you ought to direct all this animosity towards. Have you thought that if you get HIM out of the picture, this pesky annoying ex-girlfriend of his will be gone too? Good riddance with them both.

 

 

As Always, You Know What I Think.

You Deserve Better,

BnyBrain

[mt_joy]

You are having these feelings because you have no control over the situation so you feel helpless. You have to realize that this situation is out of ur hands, he has a history with his ex and he always will. He is with you now and there is no telling how long that ur relationship will last. Enjoy the good time but also be aware of what his actions are towards her and if it becomes more of a problem then you need to break up and find someone else.

 

I so agree with this statement. He may or may not be keeping the door open with her. Let him know how you feel. She has no reason to be a aprt of his life now. If it were me, I'd tell her to back off. Yes, they have a history, but they don't have a future.