Who dumped who?

[belljar02]

Hello I am new to this forum.

 

I have a question. I have been seeing this person for about three months and it started going downhill about two weeks ago. We had a few arguments and one inparticular where he made a public scene that we never recovered from. We were both embarrased that we behaved that way. The next day he called me and we talked for an hour, but not about the incident. Everything was fine we laughed etc.

 

Then the next day I called him and we spoke for maybe 20 minutes, he said he would call the next day but did not. Then I went to Japan for a 2 day lecture. He did not call me while I was there, but when I arrived home at the airport, I noticed that he left a voicemail for me asking if I did okay in Japan. I called him back to tell him thank you for asking and we talked for 3 minutes and got cut off. After my taxi ride home. I called him back and he was out with friends. He seemed distant and kind of sarcastic at times when I said I'll call you later then. He said "Don't be silly if you were bothering me I'd tell you". I got silent cause I thought his comment was rude. He then said "maybe we can get together tomorrow" and said call me tomorrow and we can have lunch.he repeated this twice. I said "okay".

 

But I never called him on Saturday. I guess was just afraid to...I just felt like if he really wanted to have lunch with me he'd call. Today is Tuesdayand no call from him. If this is over, do I at least get to say I saved face by deciding not to call him? It is obvious that he doesn't care becuase he usually always call me on Monday nights after work.

 

I guess I am angry becuase he could at least call or e-mail and say something.

 

Help.

[Steve_uk]

You should have called him, Im sorry but i think its your fault

 

He proboaly feels stood up as you didnt get in touch and is too worried to get in touch with you, just give him a call and apologise before it gets too far down the line.

[RayKay]

I think if you promised him twice you would call after he asked....and you did not, you sort of ditched him...that is like standing someone up in my opinion.

 

If you still want to see him, I would give him a call as it seems you two need to talk...there is some negative energy between you two from miscommunications.

[belljar02]

I know, I should have called him. I was afraid that he was setting me up to cancel the lunch date when I called to meet him (he has done this before). There is a lot of game playing that goes on between us and I hate relationships like that and I don't know exactly what causes it to happen. His ex-wife of ten years, dumped him 2 years ago and it was very traumatic for him, he is still in therapy for it. In fact I would have been his first sexual encounter in 2 years. I feel like he pushes me away and I don't want to get hurt either so when I get mixed signals...I pull back. So I didn't call...but neither has he.

 

In my defense...He has done this to me before. Said he would call and did not, but he would within a few days or so.

[sbrew21]

Well I disagree with everyone. If he wanted to meet up he would have called. To be honest, he probably forgot. I wouldn't call him. He will call again, and you know what, be busy. You got to be thicker skinned. If anything its his loss. Let him have his space. He will come back, and call you again. Don't stress it. You haven't ended anything yet. Just whatever you do, don't call him. And if he does call and ask about what happened, just say you forgot. It will totally mess with his head which will be great, and he will probalby even start calling more often.

[Amethyst]

...I just felt like if he really wanted to have lunch with me he'd call.

 

Well, that goes both ways. Seems to me (and probably to HIM, as well) that if YOU had really wanted to get together with him, YOU would've called (ESPECIALLY since YOU are the one who PROMISED that you would).

 

Nope, I don't think you can lay the blame for this mess at his feet.

 

I know, I should have called him. I was afraid that he was setting me up to cancel the lunch date...

 

If you believe that your boyfriend would manipulate you that way, then you obviously no longer trust him (whether rightly or wrongly). And, guess what? Without TRUST, there is NO RELATIONSHIP.

[belljar02]

I see your point but in many ways it was a TEST. That was what...Saturday. Today is Tuesday. I have yet to hear from him. A week ago he said that meeting me was like Christmas and the lottery all rolled into one. Friday Nov 4th, we had a GREAT date!!! Then I had to call him Sunday night and he was grouchy. That was when we had the big fight in public.

 

But this is the pattern that he established. We will have a great time then no phone call. So trust is an issue. Yet he is always saying to me that he is afraid that I will hurt him.

[Amethyst]

Yeah; but, see, that's the thing. You shouldn't feel the need to "test" your boyfriend. I really think you need to reconsider what kind of relationship the two of you actually have.

[belljar02]

Thanks.

 

Your post explains exactly how I feel. It has been almost five days since Saturday. My self-esteem has been low as a result of this. About calling him back. I erased his cell phone number/ email address from everything so it's do or die for him. If he wants me, he knows where to find me. I did get a mysterious hang up call on my cell today ...wonder who that was? Anyway. I HATE THE CALLING GAME. The longest we went w/o talk was our last "calling war" and it lasted 5 days, then he called me. I don't like this because it makes me feel unwanted. He is always on his cell, so I know that he has to be conscious of the fact that he has not spoken to me.

 

Yes, I could have called him that Saturday and arranged to meet for lunch but 1) why couldn't we have just made the date right there Friday night. 2) He bothered me by saying "Call me". he was also w/ his friends (all female by the way which is another problem) and sounded as though he as trying to be cool. I felt like a door mat that was being summoned "call, me" or I will only see you if you call me. So I called his bluff and I didn't call and he didn't care, so I feel bad but I think I stood up for myself. I usually don't. So if he never calls, at least I walk away with the peace of mind that I in some way put an end to it.

[belljar02]

I do think that the relationship will be a series of games. He was ditched by his ex-wife and has even admitted to me that he caught himself being mean to me for no reason. He also has a pattern of dating someone for a couple of months a then finding something wrong with the relationship. I am the third GF since his wife left. His 4 bedroom apartment is still empty b/c she took the furniture. This was two years ago that she left. In fact he and I were okay until I spent the day at his place once and said "Maybe you should move into a smaller place, so it can be yours and not yours and Gina's" He asked me to move in w/ him but I said "I will only do it, if you get a diffrent place. I will not live in another woman's house"

 

I am just realizing that after that day Nov 2 (election day), that was when he began being weird. Then we met for a movie on the 3rd and he was soooo distant. Then we argued on the phone Thursday just because I said "you seemed distant the other night". He accused me of being too critical and abruptly said lets have lunch at your job Friday. I said "Okay. He came we had a good lunch and he said "let's have dinner tonight and dancing". So we did that, He was really into me that night...then Staurday...Sunday no call. I called him and asked if I could pop by the librray where he was studying, he said "no" but I coaxed him into meeting me for coffee. We fought, the rest is in my first post.

 

I don't know what I did wrong.

 

 

 

 

Yeah; but, see, that's the thing. You shouldn't feel the need to "test" your boyfriend. I really think you need to reconsider what kind of relationship the two of you actually have.

[Belle]

belljar,

 

I don't think you did anything wrong. I'm a firm believer that if a man's interested HE WILL CALL. Putting it back on you to call him was girlie and kind of cowardly. A guy who is crazy about a girl calls even when she doesn't return his call. I've seen this firsthand. Too many times to count.

 

Don't take the responsibility of pursuing and acting like a guy. A little political correctness will not overcome thousands of years of history and biological training. If he doesn't call, he ain't interested.

 

good luck,

 

belle

[Amethyst]

Don't take the responsibility of pursuing and acting like a guy. A little political correctness will not overcome thousands of years of history and biological training.

 

I couldn't agree with you more.

 

You see, I'm a very traditional gal who agrees that guys should do the chasing. In fact, I'm SO traditional that I believe a person's word should mean something. I didn't tell her she should've called him because it's the "politically correct" thing to do. I told her she should've called him because it was the RIGHT thing to do. She made a promise to him, and a person should keep his / her promises. If she didn't want to be the one doing the "chasing", then she shouldn't have said she would call him.

[belljar02]

I agree with both of you in a way. I really didn't like it when he said "call me". It did sort of dump the responsibilty in my lap, especially since we are on shakey ground anyway I didn't know what to think about it. I felt set up. It did make me feel like a man, and that it was not my role since I am not a man. Because we had been having some problems, it was sort of a test.

 

But he has failed.

 

That was last Friday, now it is almost Thursday. He has not called. I am hurt because if he cared he would. I walked the street tonight just hanging out in stores. I can't believe that this is the same person that was all into me two weeks ago. So I guess he is not interested anymore.

[Amethyst]

Sounds to me as though you need to move on. No matter whether you should've called or not; if he really cared, he would've gotten in touch with you by now. I know it's hard, but I really wouldn't wait around for him.