When your ex contacted you

[heartbrokengir]

When your ex (dumper) broke NC, did you guys all reply or ignored them?

[lizardking999]

I replied. It's always just nonsense, but since we work in the same office, it would have been awkward not to.

[ardimo]

Replied, but by that time, I simply did not want to be with her any longer. That is the wonderful thing about NC, while painful at first, it grants you the time to reflect on your relationship in order to see if its worth another shot or in the alternative moving on.

[DonDraper32]

I did, and regretted it.

 

The first time I did it, she texted me the next night and said she missed me. I caved, but eventually all it did was lead to a fight.

 

The next time I did, and she texted me the next night, telling me something reminded her of me. I ignored it. Two days later she texted me telling me she missed me, and I told her I missed her too, but not to contact me unless she wanted to get back together. Two nights later, she called me 58 times (drunk) and I eventually responded. All it did was lead to a fight and show her that she had power over me, and it was really the final straw in our relationship.

 

She called me two weeks ago, drunk I'm guessing, and I ignored it. I haven't heard from her since.

 

I hate it now, and wish I heard from her, but every time I responded, I felt worse about myself. Ignoring your ex restores some power and shows her that she doesn't control you anymore.

[LovesMusic]

Replied, but by that time, I simply did not want to be with her any longer. That is the wonderful thing about NC, while painful at first, it grants you the time to reflect on your relationship in order to see if its worth another shot or in the alternative moving on.

 

I did, and regretted it.

I hate it now, and wish I heard from her, but every time I responded, I felt worse about myself. Ignoring your ex restores some power and shows her that she doesn't control you anymore.

 

For you two.. I am interested to know how long you two dated and how long was it after the break up until they contacted you?

[LAMBS4LIONS]

My ex and I have not spoken in 16 months except for one text that I sent her a few months ago. We were together for 12 years and I was the forced dumper. I knew she didn't love me any longer which she denied but I could feel it. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do but I was left with no choice. I contacted her after a year of NC To let her know that I still loved her with all of my heart. She texted me back telling me that she was engaged. I didn't text back, I was completely shattered but it gave me all the closure I was seeking. I now know why she stopped loving me, there was someone on the side. She did try contacting me a month ago but I didn't pick up. She caused me so much pain and suffering that I didn't want to expose myself to anymore hurt. I still love the girl with every fiber of my being and that may never change but the brutal truth is, if they really loved us they would be with us. Its as simple as that.

[Nightdriver]

i did. kept it short n' sweet (though my buddies tell me i'm coming off too cold and that she was probably looking for more of a response(s)

[ardimo]

For you two.. I am interested to know how long you two dated and how long was it after the break up until they contacted you?

 

In my case, it was about one year. It took her about two months before she contacted me, but the funny thing was that as much as I loved her and I did, by the second week of NC, I was already accepting my reality and pretty much over it. This is when I realized that all of those self help love guru courses are worthless. You see, as sad a reality as it is, if someone wants to be with you, they will make an effort to. That whole notion or concept that your ex is sitting in a room somewhere sobbing over having broken up with you, crying their eyes out, and much too scared to contact you to me at least is completely bogus. Anyways, that is my take on it.

[nfperception]

In my case, it was about one year. It took her about two months before she contacted me, but the funny thing was that as much as I loved her and I did, by the second week of NC, I was already accepting my reality and pretty much over it. This is when I realized that all of those self help love guru courses are worthless. You see, as sad a reality as it is, if someone wants to be with you, they will make an effort to. That whole notion or concept that your ex is sitting in a room somewhere sobbing over having broken up with you, crying their eyes out, and much too scared to contact you to me at least is completely bogus. Anyways, that is my take on it.

 

Do you think that is still the case if the break-up was forced? Like no other choice but to break-up because of what was going on (it could be cheating, abuse, constant lying, it doesn't matter)? Do you think people should still try to work through that, no matter what? I'm just curious about your answer, that's all.

[ardimo]

Do you think that is still the case if the break-up was forced? Like no other choice but to break-up because of what was going on (it could be cheating, abuse, constant lying, it doesn't matter)? Do you think people should still try to work through that, no matter what? I'm just curious about your answer, that's all.

 

It is a good question, I think that love is a very powerful tool. Take cheating for example, ideally, you probably would not take back someone if they cheated on you, but the truth is that it happens every day. Someone cheats on their significant other, there is a horrible break up where awful things are said and thereafter sometime they reconcile. Clearly, this does not happen in every case, but it does occur. As for lying, well that depends on the motives, lying as far as insecurities for example, in most cases as annoying as it may be is petty and not worth a break up, if you love the person. Usually, a sit down or long talk with the person assuring them that they do not have to be insecure based on income, status, whatever should do it. On the other hand, if the lying deals more with cheating, then that can be much more severe.

 

I feel that if you (generally speaking of course), cheated, lied, or are a substance abuser and want this person back in your life, then you have to make changes. You have to show them that you have changed. That you messed up, but learned the ills of your ways and that they mean the world to you and part of that involves truly making steps in order to correct your mistakes and patience. Lots and lots of patience. It all comes down to love man. If you love someone and they merit a second chance, then yes absolutely. I believe in second chances, certainly not third and fourth chances, but certainly second chances.

[heartbrokengir]

In my case, it was about one year. It took her about two months before she contacted me, but the funny thing was that as much as I loved her and I did, by the second week of NC, I was already accepting my reality and pretty much over it. This is when I realized that all of those self help love guru courses are worthless. You see, as sad a reality as it is, if someone wants to be with you, they will make an effort to. That whole notion or concept that your ex is sitting in a room somewhere sobbing over having broken up with you, crying their eyes out, and much too scared to contact you to me at least is completely bogus. Anyways, that is my take on it.

 

I agree and disagree, some exes do feel the sadness and some just don't. Can't generalize. However, most of those gurus are bogus, and even if they worked, it wasn't because of the book, it was because of the people involved. Again, depends on the relationship and the individual. If it makes us feel better and not have hope, think of your ex as NEVER coming back. That's the best way to move on.

[heartbrokengir]

Replied, but by that time, I simply did not want to be with her any longer. That is the wonderful thing about NC, while painful at first, it grants you the time to reflect on your relationship in order to see if its worth another shot or in the alternative moving on.

 

Feeling that right now as we speak.

[nfperception]

Thank you very much for replying. Second chances as in, an actual break-up, where there's time apart; Or, are you talking about when people break-up little-by-little while they're still in the relationship?

[DepthOfField]

It all depends what they reach out to you for.

Every situation is unique.

[ardimo]

Thank you very much for replying. Second chances as in, an actual break-up, where there's time apart; Or, are you talking about when people break-up little-by-little while they're still in the relationship?

 

 

A full break up, where both sides have had time apart and the dumpee has had time to see and hopefully correct the error of his or her ways.

[surfjon]

I'm with the others here who were dumped and contacted but had moved on...

 

She somewhat reached out to me at about 6 weeks, but was still ambivalent about things, so I didn't really care because I realized how flawed the thing had gotten and was not willing to take her back anyway.

 

Not a concern anymore what she thinks, I'm dating and moved on at this point.

 

It's been since early January that there was no more romantic contact, so I guess its been 3 solid months.

By February I pretty much had written off her wanting to work on things, it got easier once I got to that point.

[heartbrokengir]

I'm with the others here who were dumped and contacted but had moved on...

 

She somewhat reached out to me at about 6 weeks, but was still ambivalent about things, so I didn't really care because I realized how flawed the thing had gotten and was not willing to take her back anyway.

 

Not a concern anymore what she thinks, I'm dating and moved on at this point.

 

It's been since early January that there was no more romantic contact, so I guess its been 3 solid months.

By February I pretty much had written off her wanting to work on things, it got easier once I got to that point.

 

So if I already got to the point of knowing I will never get back together with him since our BU, that just means my moving on will be easier as each day go by?

[surfjon]

Yeah, You're at acceptance phase, and my experience has been once you're here, everyday does seem to be better, brighter and more hopeful....

 

It also frees you from the obsessive hope and longing for them to return because you realize they arent.....

 

I found this time to be such a relief, when I just didn't wonder about her anymore, or really care that she wasn't coming back because with such clarity I see she actually did me a favor, I see that although she was the one who wanted the break to think, I also really thought about it and was able to see how toxic and incompatible we actually were......I needed a break to take off the blinders I had on for nearly 2 years.....

[nfperception]

Yeah, You're at acceptance phase, and my experience has been once you're here, everyday does seem to be better, brighter and more hopeful....

 

It also frees you from the obsessive hope and longing for them to return because you realize they arent.....

 

I found this time to be such a relief, when I just didn't wonder about her anymore, or really care that she wasn't coming back because with such clarity I see she actually did me a favor, I see that although she was the one who wanted the break to think, I also really thought about it and was able to see how toxic and incompatible we actually were......I needed a break to take off the blinders I had on for nearly 2 years.....

 

I'm glad you have a positive outlook on this situation.

[nfperception]

A full break up, where both sides have had time apart and the dumpee has had time to see and hopefully correct the error of his or her ways.

 

Well, what if the dumpee doesn't know all the errors, but yet still has changed ALOT?

[mhowe]

Do you think that is still the case if the break-up was forced? Like no other choice but to break-up because of what was going on (it could be cheating, abuse, constant lying, it doesn't matter)? Do you think people should still try to work through that, no matter what? I'm just curious about your answer, that's all.

 

If the cause of the break up was cheating, abuse or constant lying, you would be foolish to work through it. It speaks to character -- and they have none.

[nfperception]

If the cause of the break up was cheating, abuse or constant lying, you would be foolish to work through it. It speaks to character -- and they have none.

 

The person who did the cheating, or the one trying to fix it?

[mhowe]

It would make no difference --- cheating, abuse and lying are all deal breakers and speak to broken trust. And of course, it speaks to the character of the person who acted that way.

 

There is no fixing character flaws in someone else.

[kz91]

I think we stopped texting for like two days which was the longest we'd gone without texting at the time and then she text me, I won't lie I was so desperate for a text from her. I wasn't doing to bad in the two days we didn't text but when she text me, it felt like being back at step one again, it was awful and I regretted it straight away! After then it was just arguments.

 

Now it's been almost 75 days for NC.

[heartbrokengir]

I think we stopped texting for like two days which was the longest we'd gone without texting at the time and then she text me, I won't lie I was so desperate for a text from her. I wasn't doing to bad in the two days we didn't text but when she text me, it felt like being back at step one again, it was awful and I regretted it straight away! After then it was just arguments.

 

Now it's been almost 75 days for NC.

 

Good job for going for 75 days NC. I think I am starting to lose track how many days