Reading the actions of a "jaded man"?

[RayKay]

A few of us hanging around these forums are among the walking wounded and healed, who came here and started out on the breaking up/getting back together/healing forums. Some of us healed faster than others, some are still on their journey. And I am looking for the input from the mens side starting new relationships when they have been jaded.

 

I know as a woman, after having some bad endings to past relationships, I can be a bit more cautious about a new thing and take the lessons learned to heart...but I am curious from the guys point of view for other reasons. While not always the case, men are often the chasers...and I wonder how being resistant to being hurt affects how you pursue and start a new relationship?

 

The guy I have just started dating told me last week on his own accord that he is not afraid of commitment, he is a little afraid of being hurt but if everything feels right, than it is right. He just needs to now make sure it is really right. He is not ready to walk into anything blindly as his past couple relationships he jumped right in without really even knowing the girls, and they did end up breaking up with him as it turns out they were fairly incompatible and he does not want to do that again. I get the impression he is at that point where he is open to something serious, but wants the girl to accept him for whom he is, and is not going to put on a show to win her over and is going to truly feel her out before he jumps into anything.

 

So, we are taking things really slow by mutual agreement - are not "exclusive" though not really dating anyone else either regularly - it will go somewhere, but we do not know to where/how far yet. Now in our case, we actually have a lot in common - similar interests, both athletic, and busy with our interests (something he is not used to as in past girls did not understand his passions), we are both fairly outgoing, social (both of us are Leo's), have similar senses of humour, have fun, and a great sexual chemistry. We are still in getting to know each other phase. I want more with this guy, but do not want to pressure him yet, and am being patient. I just don't know how much I should be investing in it as I don't want to get hurt either, and I don't want to pursue and scare him off.

 

But, I am not sure how "into me" he really is. It's hard to tell, as I know he is also being somewhat cautious. I can't tell if he is taking things slow as he is "not that interested" or if it is because he is just trying to take things slow as we agreed. We see each other a couple times a week, and talk the other days for at least a few minutes either online or on the phone or by text, he will sometimes make little flirty comments with me and joke around, and make some references to more "long term like things" like about "hanging around to find out more as I have him intrigued" etc - but I get the impression he can be a "bit quiet" as he used to be shy and some of those remnants remain and I don't know him well enough to really know what he is thinking or means! When we are together, he will hold my hand, our put his arm around my waist, and such things, or when we are lying together he will caress my shoulders or arms, and run his hands through my hair, and smile a lot. But then we will go several days without seeing one another, and in that time, I have a hard time reading him.

 

I guess what I am asking is how can I differentiate between shy and trying to just take things slow, and disinterested. And if he is interested, how can I show interest and start this relationship growing without scaring him off? I appreciate your advice, as this is the first time in a long time I have been this interested in someone, and the thing is I know we could have something great, I just don't want to be falling for someone who has a closed heart.

[Derek]

Hmm,

 

You want to see him more than a couple times a week? Like every day? every night?

 

Sounds like you guys are already going down the road to more attachment anyway and it isn't going fast enough for you?

To be fair, guys are pretty simple creature and not very subtle, if you had a mutual agreement about going slow, then he probably isn't reading between the lines of that agreement. You need to communicate that your version of slow is not the same as his.

 

Does he call when he says he will? does he do things to make you know that he is thinking about you? (messages/emails/flowers/gifts) does he show up when he says he will, take you out when he says he will?

 

If he's not doing those things, maybe he is just not that into you yet.

 

If he's not, then I'd play it cool... so he doesn't get the power. Maybe he'll come around, but I wouldn't wait too long. Don't waste time on him when you could be putting time into a better guy.

 

You are the prize, not him.

 

 

[RayKay]

No no, I don't want to see him more! I am happy with a couple times, in fact due to our schedules it is only thing that works as we are both busy with training/work/other friends. Heck, I like my personal time and would tire of him with too much too soon! He was actually one that brought up the "what are we doing" talk last week, not me.

 

It is more, I am trying to determine if he wants this to go somewhere (as in be more exclusive) or not. He does yes, show up on time, take me out when he says he will, etc, email or call when he says he will. I am just not sure whether he sees this going anywhere, or really has no intention of it going anywhere, know what I mean?

[shademan]

Men are turning into Women and Women are turning into Men.

 

What's next ...... i shall wait

[Derek]

Why would he bring up the "what are we doing" talk, if he didn't want to take it to the next level?

 

From what I know, guys would rather avoid talking about something if they want it to stay the same...

 

*shrug*

 

From what I can tell, things are good, you are making drama where there isn't any, yet...

 

So take this toungue in cheek, "Don't be so girly." =)

 

It's all good. Give it more time.

 

 

[phantom_]

from what i gather of this and your other posts this guy likes you and will want to take it to the next level soon. i just dont see the point of acting like he does if he's not into you. i know i wouldnt ever spend that much energy on a girl i didnt see as strong potential for something long-term.

[RayKay]

Why would he bring up the "what are we doing" talk, if he didn't want to take it to the next level?

 

From what I know, guys would rather avoid talking about something if they want it to stay the same...

 

 

Well, I think he brought it up just to see if I was okay with it going slow...to see my take on it, was how he expressed it to me and if I was "cool with it" not being exclusive yet.

 

Thanks

[Finch]

Does he call when he says he will? does he do things to make you know that he is thinking about you? (messages/emails/flowers/gifts) does he show up when he says he will, take you out when he says he will?

 

If he's not doing those things, maybe he is just not that into you yet.

 

I really have to object. Just because a guy isn't doing things like that doesn't mean that they aren't into the girl. I know lots of guys, including myself, who can be very interested in a girl but at the same time remain distant to a point just for the sheer fact that they don't want to come off as too clingy or needy and scare her away. Most guys are worried about how much is too much and some guys think that becoming a total romantic would not win the girl and would in fact scare her away. I know that when I come off too strong I scare the girls away, when I don't do enough they lose interest... however, the balance is between the two.

[RayKay]

from what i gather of this and your other posts this guy likes you and will want to take it to the next level soon. i just dont see the point of acting like he does if he's not into you. i know i wouldnt ever spend that much energy on a girl i didnt see as strong potential for something long-term.

 

Thanks phantom....I think I am just wondering if he is putting energy into it though, is where I am coming from. After our talk, I think I am just wondering if he is almost too cautious to be able to give me a fair chance, and I want to maintain the interest level and show that I am interested, but not add pressure. I am just used I think to being in relationships where things move along pretty fast and certain, I guess. Meh, I don't know - I am pretty jaded myself I think is the problem too!

[RayKay]

I really have to object. Just because a guy isn't doing things like that doesn't mean that they aren't into the girl. I know lots of guys, including myself, who can be very interested in a girl but at the same time remain distant to a point just for the sheer fact that they don't want to come off as too clingy or needy and scare her away. Most guys are worried about how much is too much and some guys think that becoming a total romantic would not win the girl and would in fact scare her away. I know that when I come off too strong I scare the girls away, when I don't do enough they lose interest... however, the balance is between the two.

 

I agree you don't need gifts, especially not early on in a relationship and I don't expect them (and in fact you are correct, there is such thing as too much too soon for me and I have been scared off!) but being respectful and keeping your word on time/dates and all that is very very important!

 

But that is what I am wondering with this guy - if he is keeping a bit of distance so as not to come off as clingy, or something else, or this is just the way he is, or if he is just very very hesitant, or not that interested.

[Derek]

Well nobody wants to come accross as a needy unbalanced psycho...

I don't mean showering someone with unwarranted attention...

 

What I mean is do the actions match the words.

If a guy is into her, he should show some evidence of thinking about her when she's not around, show that he wants to be with her when he can't,

show that he's curious about her.

 

Show, not tell...

 

And if you are worried about not putting on too much pressure, I would think the best bet is to be clear about expectations and boundaries before

hand. And that would mean communication and honesty.

 

Maybe you need one more "what are we doing talk" to answer your questions and not just answer his questions.

 

From what I know, guys can often say nothing and think everything is great, status quo is great and a year later, think nothing has changed, while the girl is there saying "what?! everything's changed now! how come you can't see that you insensitive knob!?"

 

Openess and honesty is the only antidote to that situation.

 

 

[RayKay]

And if you are worried about not putting on too much pressure, I would think the best bet is to be clear about expectations and boundaries before

hand. And that would mean communication and honesty.

 

Maybe you need one more "what are we doing talk" to answer your questions and not just answer his questions.

 

From what I know, guys can often say nothing and think everything is great, status quo is great and a year later, think nothing has changed, while the girl is there saying "what?! everything's changed now! how come you can't see that you insensitive knob!?"

 

Openess and honesty is the only antidote to that situation.

 

 

 

Thanks Derek for your posts today - helpful! I am seeing him Wednesday and Friday, I think I'll see how Wednesday goes and try to do some of that good ol' body language reading, and then Friday maybe we can talk, before I leave for a few days on a trip.

 

Part of it is...well, while we are "not exclusive" I really don't want to date anyone else and have no interest in it. I would rather just see where this thing goes with him rather than do what I usually do which is divide up my attentions to prevent falling for someone. But this guy, I just feel different about. And for some reason, it is a lot harder for me to be aloof and non-commital as I sometimes try and be early on.

 

You are right about the honesty being the only antidote, I actually talked to my ex (whom I am good friends with) about this, and he told me that I should just go with the honest approach as it is unlikely that bad will come of it - and that the guy probably likes me as I am a very likeable person, so just be patient. There is a chance he is only interested in one thing...but unlikely as I have too much else going for me. If he is not in same place as I am, then at least I know and can judge myself accordingly and there are no surprises

[RayKay]

Okay, well tonight I got good signs...yeah!

 

We did not talk much in day as we were both insanely busy with work, but I signed on tonight when I got home from my friends place, and we just spent four hours talking online, about half of which was flirty/sexual, the remaining more joking around, asking questions and just general talking. It was a pretty equal conversation (as in he was chatting as much as I was). And while some of it was sexual, it was more that teasing way, and we did have some flirty, witty stuff in there too...it was good. There were even some more vague references to future stuff...for example, I would joke that I hoped he was not using me just for my body, as I have a brain too...and he fired back, well, for bike parts at Christmas too (I get a good deal on cycling parts) and other such small little things.

 

We are still on for Wednesday and Friday for dates...which is great and I am pretty excited

 

Now it is WAY past my bedtime, but it was worth it, fun times!

 

Thanks to all those who had advice for me today!

[Scout]

How long have you been dating him? Just curious.

[RayKay]

How long have you been dating him? Just curious.

 

Sorry Scout, I missed this question until today!

 

We have been dating a couple weeks, talking a couple weeks more than that (via emails/MSN/phone).

 

Things are going pretty well, had an awesome date last night (we went indoor rock climbing - my idea - and had a great time). Things feel really good, he is fun (and funny), athletic, affectionate, passionate, intelligent, still a bit mysterious and still a down to earth kind of guy. We see each other again tomorrow, as I am going away Sunday for a few days, and I think I'll pass him a note:

 

Do you like me: Yes or No?

Do you want to "go out": Yes or No or Maybe?

 

Hee hee, just kidding of course...but I think we might just head that way with a bit more time.