Reflections After Dark

[SuzieQue]

Lots to report on... It's been quite busy since I've been back at school. The classes are interesting and don't seem too challenging, but then again it always feels that way during the first week.

 

I have the house mostly to myself which is really nice and relaxing Kind of sketchy at night but I lock everything so it's ok.

 

My manager completely screwed up my work schedule and ended up putting me on shifts during my classes And then he somehow lost my schedule so I had to make a new one. And now it's been four days and he still has yet to give me a new work schedule. This whole week I've been calling and walking in to try to get it fixed but nothing has changed yet. I've talked to four different people and nada. So if I was on the fence about quitting, I am now completely over it and running for the resignation form as fast as my fractured hip can take me. I've had enough of these doofuses and their complete inability to manage their way out of a paper bag. I'm so annoyed because throughout the interview and training process they kept stressing how important communication is to them, yet I've been doing 100% of the communicating! They are so unbelievably unprofessional. So I've been looking for new places to work. Ugh.

 

G is gone for his workshop. We had a lot of fun when he visited, except for the last night when we went to visit his friend who lives nearby. Every time G drinks around this guy he turns into a tool and I hate it. I end up being ignored or treated like a bro and G starts pointing out hot girls to his friend and talking about them. Not only is it gross to me that he talks about girls like pieces of meat, it makes me feel stupid and unattractive and cheap. Other people must look at me and wonder why I'm with a person like that. It's embarrassing and I feel dumb, because then I start wondering why I even put up with it. Of course, G has many more good qualities than bad, and this is the only one that really upsets me. If I've been drinking and he starts acting like that, I almost always cry because the alcohol makes me too sensitive. So I cried that night and was furious with him and called him out for being an ass and then ignored him for the rest of the night even though he was trying really hard to apologize. I couldn't even sleep I was so mad. I was so close to just telling him we were done. I kept thinking what is the point of staying with him if he's just going to upset me and then leave for two weeks, come back once or twice, and then leave again for 2-3 months? The next morning he continued apologizing and I explained to him why him acting like that makes me feel so bad, and how I don't understand why he turns into a completely different person with his friend. He said he would try really hard to not do it anymore, and I was still pretty angry and said that's what he tells me every time we have this fight. I know he really did feel bad, and regrets making me upset. But I still don't get why he feels like he needs to do that to "fit in" with his friend. If they're friends, shouldn't he already fit in?

Anyways, the drive back up to school was pretty chilly. G was really trying to be sweet but I just wanted to be alone... Hard to do when in a car for 7 hours... I think what did it was when we stopped for lunch and he asked if we would still be together when he got back from the first trip. I felt so bad. No, of course I didn't want to break up with him. I love him and I think we're really good together, despite the few bad moments and my crazy neuroses. So I started being warmer to him because I didn't want our last interaction before he left to be a fight. And then when I dropped him off at his place, his family invited me in for dinner and that made me feel a lot better. He has such a nice family. I can't stress it enough.

 

G has his flaws, but who doesn't? G can say dumb things because he has almost no filter, but when he points out other girls he finds attractive, he always turns to me and says that I'm better looking. It's to save face, of course, but the effort is nice. He has never, not even once, called me a mean name or insulted me even when I make him angry. His temper is practically nonexistent. He tells me how I make him a better person, and I know he has made me a better person too. My mom took me aside when he was visiting last week to tell me that she can see he really cares about me. That was really reassuring. Because as one may see, I get easily lost in all of my worrying and wondering and minor spaz-attacks.

 

I think I said this before, but it's hard for me to understand why G likes me in the first place. Probably because I need to work on liking myself too. I think it's just part of being a perfectionist.. I don't know if I'll ever be happy with who or how I am.

 

I've been trying hard to be better with people. I always feel like I'm trying to be better with people lol. I talk too softly so I'm trying to speak up and I'm working on making better eye contact. I read something that said assuming that people like will lead to them liking you, but I feel like that is so presumptuous. And maybe it is just me, but sometimes I just feel like I know when a person thinks I'm weird or annoying and doesn't want to talk to me. But then again, maybe it's just me.

 

I need to try to be nicer too. Of course I'm outwardly nice but I've noticed that I am way too critical of people in my head. I need to tone it way down and not be so judgmental.

 

On a completely random note, I'm supposed to get my period on my birthday week. Not cool. I always get it on my birthday week I'm seriously considering skipping it. Actually, I'm definitely going to skip it lol. Hopefully doing so isn't bad for my health. The birth control I am on doesn't exactly work like that, so when I skip I end up having a super long, delayed period...

 

Yeah..... I'm tired.

[SuzieQue]

So I went out to the bars tonight with a couple of friends, all guys. One of them has been seeing this girl for almost a year, but has no intention of going further than being fwb. She on the other hand has tried to get him to be more serious, and has gone as far as trying to get him to meet her mother Obviously he declined. She is going to be going abroad, and tonight my friend told us that he plans on ending it with this girl very soon, and he was asking for advice on how to do it. So I told him that he should just be honest and tell her that he doesn't want a relationship, even though in my opinion he should have told her this the minute she started to get attached Because I have been in this girl's place before, and maybe we both should have seen it coming... But I would have really appreciated it if the guy I was seeing had just told me he wasn't interested in anything long-term than lead me on. So I guess I kind of feel for her. But then my two other guy friends said that he should just continue doing whatever it is he is doing, and then just end it when the girl is abroad. I completely disagree and think that plan is cowardly, but my friend is definitely leaning in that direction because it is also the easiest. I realized that I was probably going to lose that discussion, so I told him to try to understand that he is dealing with another person, and to put himself in her shoes. Like that is going to do anything. Ugh.

Why do guys do this? I think guys play more games than girls, to be honest. They offer up so much BS. It made me mad that my own friends were doing it too. Especially when they cursed out the guy that did the exact same thing to me. Ugh. So dumb.

 

It really made me want to call G. But he's probably asleep right now.

 

I just can't get over how cowardly it is. To pretend things are alright and then end everything with her once she's out of the country. Awesome. Guys really suck sometimes.

[SuzieQue]

Can't sleep, even though I'm exhausted. I think it's because of the heat. And I live next to a super busy street and am running a fan that is SO loud.

 

G comes back in a week. I really miss him, but have been doing considerably well nonetheless. Maybe I'm used to him being gone all the time. I'm probably only going to see him twice before he leaves to go abroad.

 

I've been working out more. It's been easier now that I've made a daily schedule. I also bought some super cheap protein powder (it's not very tasty and I don't even know if it works that well... you get what you buy I guess) and have been trying to incorporate that once a day. Just from working out this week I've already begun to notice my arms, back, butt, and thighs look more toned. Or in the case of my skinny skinny arms, fuller. Earlier this week I tried going on a jog but my hip was not having it It's been 8 weeks today. When will it finally stop hurting???

 

There are days when I snack a lot more than I should, but no binges like before. I try to eat a ton of veggies with dinner so that I'm fuller and for the most part it has been working. I've also noticed that I don't get a lot of satisfaction out of fulfilling food cravings. For example, this whole week I have been craving frozen yogurt from a place nearby, and I finally got it last night but I was completely unimpressed and wished I hadn't gotten it. And when I first got here I wanted Panda Express soooo bad, but halfway through eating it realized it really didn't taste that great so I just threw it out.

 

I feel like I am always buying groceries though. I wonder if I am actually saving money by not going out to eat? In the two weeks that I've been here I've already gone through a bag of frozen chicken breasts, a dozen eggs, two bags of spinach, and am now on my second containers of strawberries, blueberries, etc... Maybe I should keep a log of how much I am buying. Doesn't help that I try to get organic fruits and am now feeling guilty about buying eggs that aren't cage-free. What's a poor college student to do?

 

Speaking of poor, I finally quit my job. That didn't last long haha. I found out that the reason my manager was basically avoiding me and not putting up my schedule was due to the fact that our building is going under construction next week until the end of october, therefore effectively putting everyone except a select few out of work until then. I learned this from a coworker. Wow. I can't believe how stupidly unprofessional that place is. So I'm continuing the job search. And I still haven't gotten any internship leads...

 

Anyways, now that I have no work I'm trying to get more hours in at the animal shelter. I'm actually going in this morning, which is why I wish i could SLEEP but no backing out at this point. They need a lot of help right now from volunteers and I feel like I need to make up for not going in very much this year.

[SuzieQue]

I'm becoming more like my mom G told me a few days ago that he was going hiking with some friends, and then when I didn't hear from him I started worrying that all these terrible things might have happened to him. So this morning I sent him a facebook message asking some random dumb question just to see if he was alive and not dying in the woods somewhere after being mauled by a mountain lion. For the first time ever I am glad facebook tells you if the receiver has "seen" your message lol.

 

It's not unusual for us not to talk for a day or two. It's just kind of how we are. But I do worry sometimes when I don't hear from him after he does something like this. I always have to tell him to please text me when he gets back. Which is what my mom always does. His mom is much more laid back so I think the "checking in" thing is not something he is used to.

 

My worrying has definitely gotten worse after the accident. I just feel like we've been "marked" by the event and have worse luck now. Like those dumb final destination movies

 

Also, bad idea to go to the break up section of ENA lol. Way to make me crazy paranoid.

 

One more thing: I HATE THESE STUPID HEADBANDS. I hate having to put them on before going outside and I hate the stupid lines they put on my forehead. And everyone who knows I was in an accident always asks if I'm embarrassed by my scars. NO I actually think my scars are borderline awesome, it's the dumb headband I'm embarrassed by!

[SuzieQue]

Woke up super early again even though I went to bed late. I have a test today so I guess my mind is kind of racing. But not with anything to do with the test of course

 

So far I've been keeping up with workouts, and my eating has been ok. I've kind of slipped up the past couple of days because I ended up caving when I saw ben and jerry's was having a 2 pints for $5 sale lol. How could I pass that up?? But no real binging, so that's good. I've been trying hard to get my macros in order, but it's so difficult to keep my protein intake up and my fat intake down. They practically walk hand in hand! And I'm not sure what else I could eat to get protein other than chicken, turkey, and protein powder. I don't eat red meat, and I'm a little unsure about the safety of eating a lot of tofu/soy products. I recently bought some cottage cheese, but yuck. I do regularly eat greek yogurt, and I would eat more peanut butter but that's more fat than protein... I'm still counting calories, which gets pretty tiring, but I don't want to stop until I know for sure what works best for me. I should actually probably be eating more now that I workout out 6 times a week, but it's hard to figure out what to eat that is more calorie dense to meet my goals without just eating junk... I need to find a nutrition major to plan my meals for me hahaha.

 

I've gained most of the weight I lost over the summer back, and I'm surprised that I'm not freaking out. I think it's because I don't look like I've gained at all. I'm beginning to notice more muscle definition in my arms and legs, but my stomach is definitely the last to go. I've never had a flat stomach in my life. Maybe I'll have one in the morning before I eat, but that doesn't count I bloat so easily

 

Went out with a friend I haven't seen in a while this weekend. She's doing well but I think is really unhappy with her relationship. I feel bad for saying so but her relationship makes me feel a lot better about mine haha. Her boyfriend is the jealous/possessive type and tries to control her (and often does). He hates it when she goes out and they fight all the time about him thinking she is too flirty and not making him her first priority. He calls her really mean names when he's drunk and angry. They've broken up a couple times in the past but she always runs back to him after he apologizes. I think he has really bad trust issues that he needs to sort out because he's for the most part a super nice, really intelligent guy. It's just whenever she wants to do her own thing he gets pissed off. He's very codependent... Kind of a warning to me I guess, to not let myself get that bad with G.

 

Anyways, my friend kept talking about how much fun we had back when we were single, and she was asking me if I was really serious about staying with G when he goes abroad. She pretends to, but doesn't really like or trust G, it's a long story... But I think she feels that if I were to break up with him she could have that "support" to be stronger and break up with her boyfriend and have a repeat of when we were single. But I know things wouldn't be the same because even though we're only a few years older, the things we did were just SO stupid. That's probably part of the reason they were so fun, lol, but they're not things I could see us repeating. Freshmen dorm shenanigans... I do look back on when I was single and remember that I did have a lot of fun, but I still have a lot of fun now. I think because my friend is in such a controlling relationship she doesn't have much fun anymore. I don't really blame her... There have been times when we have gone out with friends and her boyfriend calls, super mad, and tells her she's a partysl*t, a b*tch, and other terrible things. Ugh. if a boy called me names like that, it would be difficult for me not to slap him, and much less to never talk to him again. I'm not my friend so I don't know why she stays, but I think it's partly because she likes the comfort of being in a relationship, and they've been together for so long it would be too different to no longer be with him. But jeez. I'd think you'd have to get sick and tired of all the fighting and name-calling and lack of trust at some point...

 

I finally heard back from the leader of this project I'd been hoping to get involved with, and it looks like it's finally time to get started. I'm excited because this is something I'd really like to do career-wise. However, it's not exactly what I'm studying.. Its the same major, but not the same specialization. I've been considering switching, but I'm afraid it's too late. Maybe it doesn't even matter what specialization I go into. I should probably talk to my advisor about it...

 

Ugh. I hate thinking about the future. I know eventually everything will work out somehow. I look back on how miserable I was in high school, and honestly no matter how bad things get now, they're still so much better than I could have possibly imagined at 16.

 

Random, but. I want a dog. I want a dog soooooo bad. My whole life I've had a dog until I went to college. I'd love to adopt one after I graduate... But I know that's just not possible until I stop moving around every time the lease is up. I really miss having a dog. That's really the main reason that I volunteer at the animal shelter. So I can get my fix. Because I'm totally one of those annoying people who baby-talk at dogs as their owners walk them down the street haha. I'd love to have a medium-large sized dog that I could go on runs/hikes with. That would be so cool.

[SuzieQue]

Yay! Lots of good things happening. I'm going to be crazy busy soon...

 

I got a call for a job interview. If it goes well and I get the job that will be really nice because it's a much better establishment than the last place. Almost anything would be better than the last job Ok, maybe not a fast-food place. But it felt very close.

 

I also got an e-mail from the leader of an internship I did last fall. I applied for a summer job with her but unfortunately couldn't do it because I was at home for most of the summer. I guess one of her workers can no longer continue and she was wondering if I could take their place. Um, hell yes! It might even be paid, which would be amazing because I'll be learning some very important skills and doing something I enjoy. I'm also excited because she studied in the same area as I currently am and was the TA for one of my classes and now works for the university. I'm definitely going to be asking her lots of questions!

 

I ran for half a mile today which is impressive! But now I'm limping so maybe not such a great idea. Hopefully I'll be better tomorrow.

[SuzieQue]

I'm almost done with summer classes, just in time for work orientation and training. I have my interview on friday, and then finals the week after. Labor day weekend was super fun though, and I'm not feeling school at all right now I really should start on my writing assignment...

 

I visited G and we had a really great time. It was kind of odd though, because he would say "I love you" first, and tell me that he misses me, which he really doesn't say unless I say it first. It was as if he's been reading my posts here It was nice to hear though. I'll be seeing him this weekend again before he leaves. He's really excited, and I guess it's kind of known that a lot of partying goes on abroad. If I were to be completely honest, I'd say that yeah, I'm a little nervous about him being surrounded in a college-like environment. But what can I do? I just have to trust that he'll use his better judgement. And I have to do my part and not go crazy over every little thing. I know he loves me.

In a way, not seeing each other all the time makes for a really nice time when we do see each other. I really like those moments, when we're just cuddling and catching up. A lot of guys complain about how girls want to cuddle all the time, but I think I'm lucky because G is always the one who initiates and pulls me in closer. He's so sweet. I can't believe we've already been dating for nearly 1.5 years!

 

I've been keeping up with my workouts so far, and I do feel a minor difference. However, I sometimes feel super puffy and bloated so I don't know what that's from... Maybe the protein powder?

I think I need to be eating more too. I've been increasing the intensity of my workouts and I'm starving all the time, even though I feel like I eat a ton at every meal. This exercise/nutrition thing is hard to figure out!

[SuzieQue]

I got the job I interviewed for! I'm excited because it seems like a fun place to work, and I have a few friends who work there too. The only problem is that I found out my other job that is suited for people in my major is going to last much longer than I initially thought it would, until December, instead of the end of this month like I thought. On one hand I am very happy because I wanted both jobs and now I have a chance to be making a lot of money! But on the other hand I don't know how I'm going to juggle two jobs and a full load of classes If things get too hectic and I can't keep up, I honestly don't know which one I'd drop... The non-academic job is secure for the whole year plus the following summer after I graduate (considering I don't quit or get fired), but the other job is related to what I'm studying and could lead to connections in the future. I guess I shouldn't worry about it now.

 

It finally hit me today that G is out of the country. It's really no different than when we were apart over summer, except that we're much further apart this time around. And he has a lot more temptations too... He's been adding people in his program to his facebook and many of the native girls there look blonde, skinny, and super attractive... I've wondered if he would tell me if he were to cheat on me. I think he would. But that's not constructive thinking at all, and he won't cheat because he's a loyal boyfriend and won't throw a relationship away for a one-nighter. Trust until he gives me a reason not to trust.

 

My diet's been pretty crappy since my birthday. I've been eating whatever I want and although it's not fast food I need to get back on track. I haven't been very motivated to strength train either. I much prefer running. But you don't get muscular from just running

 

...My ex-best-friend wrote a Facebook status on my birthday that said something like, "I can't wait to hang out with my best friend, ____!!!" Needless to say it wasn't about me. The story of how we stopped being friends is too long to write down but seeing that status both pissed me off and saddened me. How immature and b*tchy of her. Maybe she didn't realize it was my birthday. I doubt it. I'm not devastated because I know getting her out of my life was the right thing for me to do, but I also know I was the best friend she's ever had and she threw it away. This other girl practically worships the ground my ex-friend is on and will do anything for her, buy anything for her, and be anything she wants her to be. And I'm almost 100% certain it is because that girl has ulterior motives because she is completely gay and wants to be with my ex-friend romantically. Eventually my ex-friend will realize this, but for now she is loving the worship and attention.

I initially didn't want to put this in my journal because I hate to give her any kind of attention or recognition, even on an anonymous forum, but it's been bothering me. I wasted so much time and energy being a loyal friend to her and I literally received NOTHING in return. She didn't respect me or my dreams and always tried to turn me into a person I was not. She hated when I hung out with other people and wanted to be my only friend. So after so much bullsh*t I finally decided to get rid of her poison and stopped responding to her manipulative texts. And after I did that of course she played the victim. I'm such a mean, cold-hearted, terrible friend.

 

Ugh. this is why I didn't want to talk/write about her. Obviously the wound is still open and although I have no interest in being her friend again and don't miss her friendship it still hurts to have been so loyal to someone and have them not give a sh*t. And even so, if something bad were to happen to her or any of her family, I know with absolute certainty I would immediately be there for her in whatever way I could. Even after all the crap. I don't know why. She wouldn't do the same for me. That's just how I am, I guess. And because of that I always end up being hurt because I'm just too stupidly loyal. Like a dog who keeps coming back to be kicked by its abusive owner

 

But you know what? I'd rather be loyal than dishonest and selfish.

 

Anyways, I took my last summer final and I'm so relieved!! I'm done, at least for the next two weeks... But I'm going to make those weeks count!

[SuzieQue]

I've been so busy lately! All I do is go to work, workout, eat, and sleep. I'm still a little worried about how I'm going to manage two jobs plus classes. I guess I'll have to take it one day at a time.

 

I've been working all day for the past week and a half on my first job, and it is rewarding but so exhausting. It takes a huge chunk out of my day which I sometimes wish I had, but know that if I wasn't working I'd probably be sleeping or procrastinating on things I should be doing. I've found that when I m insanely busy like I am now, I'm also a lot better at managing my time. Funny how that works.

 

My second job starts on Thursday. I'm a little nervous because it's very fast-paced and there are tons of things I need to remember but have already forgotten. I hope the returning employees are patient with me.

 

Then I've got my classes... I need to keep in mind that my classes are the number one priority right now. I need to keep my gpa up. SUmmer classes helped but not by much. I can't afford to screw up during my last year here.

 

I really hope I don't go insane

 

G has been very busy but having fun abroad. We both work all day so it has been impossible setting up times to skype thanks to the time difference. This weekend we should be able to figure something out though. We do message each other through facebook, and I was pleasantly surprised by the super long messages he writes. It must be easier than texting for him, because his texts are always so short.

I miss him, but because I've been so busy it's only in fleeting moments.

 

There are actually a few cute guys in both my jobs. I'm not going to do anything of course, but it can't hurt to look, right? Haha. Where were these guys when I was single??

 

Even though I've been busy, I make sure to squeeze in a workout everyday (with the exception of a rest day). However, I weighed myself this morning and was surprised by how much the scale said I'd gained! No way is it all from muscle, because that doesn't happen that quickly. I do feel slightly less flabby so it might be water weight from a combination of my period and sore muscles. It does make me wonder if I really am making progress. I eat better, but sometimes I worry that I am eating too much and off-setting my workouts. I get kind of paranoid and wonder if my body is actually changing or if I'm just seeing what I want to see (reverse anorexia? lol). Ergh... I get weird body image issues during my period so I should just wait a week and reassess.

[SuzieQue]

I've been in a weird place emotionally all day. I don't know if I can still blame my period since it's just about over, but I keep having moments when I feel suffocated and just want to hide somewhere and cry.

 

It might be because of G. We made plans to skype on saturday and then friday evening for me and very early saturday morning for him G messaged me asking if I wanted to skype. I had a hunch that he might have been drunk because he mentioned going to a party that night, and it was 4am when he wanted to skype. I should have declined and just told him to wait until later that day and to get sleep, but I hadn't seen him in so long so against my better judgement I agreed to skype with him. He was almost, if not totally blacked out. In the beginning it was fine, but then he started to get mean and insensitive like he usually does when he is blacked out. He was saying things like how the girls there treat him so much better than I do, and how a girl in his apartment complex is into him and he thinks she's cute. Then he did a 180 and started talking about how good I looked and that he would never cheat on me. And then he goes back to how the girls are so hot, blah blah blah. I just told him to use his good judgement and to not doing anything he wouldn't want me to do. At one moment I lost my cool and told him that if he strays then he can forget about seeing me ever again. I really try not to take him seriously because it's just G being belligerently drunk but it hurts a lot. I don't know why he acts that way. It's only when he is completely blacked out and won't remember anything the next day, but by then the damage is done.

 

Anyways, he passed out on camera so I hung up. He tried to call me back a few times half an hour later but I just messaged him to go to sleep because I didn't feel like talking to him if he was going to be mean. So the next day we skyped again when he was sober and no surprise, he didn't remember most of our conversation, and he said he was sorry for being a jerk. The rest of the conversation was fine. I think he could tell I was still hurt so he said I shouldn't worry, that he only wants to be with me. But like I said before, the damage had been done and my feelings are still hurting from the things that he said. I'm getting tired of the Jekyll and Hyde act. Seeing him that drunk really made me worry. He's so bad when it comes to peer pressure and drinking. I keep thinking what if some girl comes on to him when he's blacked out like that? I trust G, but when he's blacked out he is not himself.

 

I'm just feeling really crappy about the whole thing. I thought having work all day today would keep it off my mind but I kept feeling the urge to cry. I even had a mini-panic attack and ran to the bathroom to just breathe deeply and try to push those thoughts out of my head.

 

Do I tell him how much it's bothering me? Or do I try to let it go? I can't tell when I'm blowing things out of proportion anymore. I wish I had someone I trusted enough to talk with about this

[SuzieQue]

I have to keep chanting to myself "He loves you, he loves you, he loves you" to keep all these "what ifs" out of my head. Because he does. He really does. His first course of action after coming home wasted from the party was to skype me, not talk to the neighbor girl or even go to sleep. He wanted to talk to me, his girlfriend. And every time he gets mean it's to initiate a reaction out of me. It's some strange way for him to talk himself up to me (even though he doesn't need to) and to see how much I care for him through my response to his meanness. I'm not sure if that makes things better or worse however

 

I have so many of his things he has made and given me. And I have seen love in his face when I do special things for him too. I have to keep reminding myself that I know he loves me.

[SuzieQue]

I think I'm just really really stressed from the combination of school and work and other things and it's not really about G. I've been trying so hard to just take things one at a time that I think I stopped listening to myself and it all just came seeping out. I think my body knew I was super stressed before I even knew.

[SuzieQue]

It's been a while... I'm still extremely busy, but managing. G and I are doing well (i think). There haven't been any "incidents" and I decided to let my hurt go without telling him because it really wouldn't have made me feel any better and it would have made him feel bad about doing something he doesn't even remember. Not productive.

 

I know what I'm about to write is extremely shallow and petty... But I'm writing it anyways I always thought my ex best friend was so beautiful and gorgeous, absolutely flawless... But I was just looking at her facebook pictures and all I could see was that her skin looks dull and bumpy, her eyes are squinty, she has a hook nose, and her hair looks frizzy and dead (probably from bleaching it blonde all the time). I thought maybe college just isn't being good to her so I looked back at high school and she really hasn't changed except her hair was nicer and she was more tan and skinny as a twig. I guess I just put her so high up on a pedestal that I wasn't seeing clearly. Or maybe my dislike is making me more critical of her appearance.

 

Still working out almost daily. I've had a few slip-ups however but they're bound to happen. I just gotta get back to it and not wallow. I've learned that "I'll do better tomorrow" doesn't work. So when I catch myself being bad, I take a step back and start making better choices immediately.

I'm actually really excited because I wanted to wear a certain dress for my halloween costume and it fit perfectly a few days ago I've had it for almost a year and have NEVER worn it out because it's super tight and unforgiving. But if I keep my good habits up I'll be able to strut proudly on the 31st!