Reflections After Dark

[SuzieQue]

There was a girl at the dinner party tonight who wouldn't shut up about her boyfriend. Every sentence out of her mouth began with my boyfriend. It was very annoying. Get a life outside of your boyfriend's, amirite?

 

But then I burst into tears on the drive home.

 

I hate that I only get to see my boyfriend every other weekend, while Separation Anxiety Girl gets to wake up next to her's every morning. And my friends get to spontaneously do fun activities like concerts and hiking and movie-hopping with their's.

 

I probably sound bitter, and I guess I am. I hate saying that it sucks because my situation isn't even bad when it comes to long-distance. I've known others who've had it way worse. I don't want to sound like a whiner. But it does suck. A lot. I miss him all the time. I hate that I can't just show up at his place to make dinner in the middle of the week, or just casually drink a beer and talk about each other's days.

 

I've been feeling really crappy about it lately. Maybe because it's spring and all the new couples are coming out, holding hands and smiling at each other all over campus like we used to do. But no, you had to go be an overachiever and graduate early and move over an hour away. I'm proud of you but my selfish side says it sucks.

 

I miss you. I love you.

 

I don't know what I'm doing here, writing this journal entry on this forum. I haven't even posted anything for almost a year but I guess the chance that somebody, even a stranger (especially a stranger?), would listen is a comfort. I can't talk to anyone else. Sometimes I feel like I've chosen my friends badly because I don't trust them at all anymore. I talk to him about my fears sometimes but I don't want to unload all this uncertainty onto him. I feel very lonely during the week. I do have lots of "friends." I'm good at shallow conversation and listening and lending a shoulder to cry on but can't let people in. Or maybe not can't, but won't. He is literally the only one who has not broken my trust or changed into a completely different person and it terrifies me that he could.

 

I can't sleep. Those old negative thoughts keep coming back. Like is this worth it? I still have another year before I graduate. Can we do another year of this? Why do you even love me? What is the point of loving someone when you're 21?

 

I wish you were here with me right now. You always know how to talk me down.

[SuzieQue]

I'm an outgoing introvert. Or maybe an antisocial extrovert. This realization came to me rather suddenly in the middle of a job interview. It was an almost out-of-body experience... I could see myself being open, friendly, and confident as I spoke with the interviewer. I wasn't terrified like I thought I would be. It was very strange for me to feel that way. After, I remember thinking, "Is this how normal people feel?" Is it?

 

All my life for as long as I can remember I've been horribly self-conscious, not just about my looks but about everything and anything people could possibly use to judge me with. My voice, my posture, my clothes, my body language. I barely said anything through grade school and middle school for fear of being made fun of. I was a ghost, and I was happy to be invisible. I rarely hung out with friends after school because I found it incredibly tiresome, and would much rather read books or play computer games at home. It wasn't until my last year in high school that I began to speak up. Even then, it was cringe-worthy.

 

College gave me a chance to break out of the "quiet-girl" role I had played so well in high school. I made lots of friends. I went out. I had fun. And I realized that being around people could be fun. I still read books and I still craved alone time, but I was growing into myself. I didn't have to be Quiet Girl in this new world. And it was nice.

 

Now I find that I truly enjoy meeting new people. I like learning about them. The girl I was four years ago wouldn't even dream of being like I am now. I do still get exhausted after spending a good few hours with people. After a long day of classes there is nothing I'd like more than to throw myself onto my bed and retreat into my thoughts for an hour or two. And if I'm with people for too long I get cranky.

 

I think I've always been this way, but when I was younger I didn't have the confidence to let it out. Instead I made friends with people I wished I could be. All of my best friends were very outgoing people who took fun risks and had a large following of star-struck groupies. I always envied them for having that attractiveness to other people, never knowing that it's whats on the inside that lures them in. I'm not saying I'm like them now, not at all, but I don't feel as crippled by myself anymore. I don't let myself get embarrassed by being human, and I think it's lead me to have a much warmer view of who I am.

 

I still gravitate towards the big personalities. What is it about these people that can make them awesome and annoying in the same breath?

[SuzieQue]

It's going to be in the 80s today, but I haven't shaved my legs because I'm getting a wax tomorrow.

 

Wear pants or DGAF?

 

 

 

 

I'm thinking it's a shorts day.

[SuzieQue]

There's a lot on my mind today.

 

To start, G, my boyfriend, said there's something he wants to talk to me about, but that it can wait till tomorrow night. He says it's nothing bad but I think G enjoys watching (or imagining) me squirm over what it could possibly be about. Why else would he tell me he wants to talk with me about whatever? What is it that can't be said over the phone?

 

Being me, I'm going to be bothered by it until I see him tomorrow. Sigh. It's probably nothing crazy and he's just messing with me. But what could it be???

 

I dyed my hair brown today, and it's different. I'm not sure how I feel about it. I don't dislike it. It's just... different. Change like this is good though. I needed a change, my hair was boring.

 

There is a friend I haven't seen in a while and I want to hang out with him but I'm so bad at reconnecting. He's very new agey and I feel like he'd appreciate doing something other than going out for lunch or coffee. I was thinking about asking if he wants to make dinner but then I get all tangled up in the details. What would we make? How do I even bring it up? It sounds like I'm trying to plan a date, ha.

 

The pool opens up this Sunday. Bathing suits. Ugh. I don't even want to think about how bad my tan lines are going to look.

 

A lot of awful things going on in the world this week. Seems like people are being hurt and killed this way and that. It makes me so discouraged for humanity and sad for those affected. Those people didn't deserve to die. I don't like to think about it for too long because it causes me to be acutely aware of my own mortality. It's a selfish way of thinking, but I'm not special or all that different from any of the victims this week. It's a very scary thought.

[SuzieQue]

Had an amazing weekend. I really needed the time off of school to just relax and have fun and hang with G. I missed him so much. I hadn't seen him in three weeks except for one short period of time when he was driving through town for work. It's been difficult because he works full time and I'm a full time student who works part time.

 

The thing he wanted to talk about was that he wants to do an abroad program our university offers to students and alumni of up to 2 years. He hates his job right now because it's not stimulating enough for him and he's been looking for alternatives in which he could actually work with people face-to-face and not from behind a computer screen/at his desk. The program would be about two months long and in the summer. He wanted to talk about it because of something I said (rather hastily) about a month ago. I was feeling insecure at the time and had a moment of weakness and broke down in front of him because he had been acting strange. He was saying weird, cryptic things that night and I thought he was trying to break up with me. So, in between my tears I told him my biggest fear in our relationship is that it doesn't have a future because we are in two different places in life, him a college grad with tons of opportunity ahead, and me still needing to get through at least one more year of school. Basically I had been feeling for a long time that our relationship was either going to end because he would find a job abroad or because I graduated and had to move back home, 500 miles away. I think it really shocked him because he didn't think of it that way (which in turn surprised me, how could he not think of that?) and just assumed that if either or both of those scenarios happened, we'd still do our best to make the relationship work.

 

So to be more concise, he wanted to make sure I wouldn't break up with him if he was accepted into the program. I told him that of course I wouldn't. Two months is nothing.

 

It's six months and more that make me nervous. But he doesn't worry about the possible strain of a hypothetical stretch of time like that. And I think he's confused as to why I worry about it. Or would consider breaking up over it. He thinks it's about me wanting to be with other guys.

 

It's hard for me to explain it to him, so I think he's still in the dark which I feel bad about. But whenever I try to explain I get too emotional and don't want to start crying so I change the subject. But here's the real reason. I don't know of any couple that has made long-distance work over a period longer than 2 years. So why would we?

 

I'm a person who believes in realistic proof over warm and fluffy hope. I avoid having high expectations over anything so I try to stop myself from imagining any type of future with G because I don't want the pain of not having one. Yet we talked about all the things we're going to do after I graduate and we're both no longer tied down by school. I don't think about the future like that because I don't like planning things that can be so easily changed. But G's optimism breaks the chains I often put on myself. Not knowing what is gong to happen to us in a month, three months, a year... It scares the crap out of me. Yet I've allowed G to become my best friend. I am so comfortable with myself when I am with him. He is my first love, and sometimes I let myself hope he can be my only love.

[SuzieQue]

Just because a boy is super friendly to me and nice to me doesn't mean he is into me. He's in all of my classes and my lab partner in one so duh, of course we're going to talk. I just have terrible "crush radar." I'd hate to have to pull out the "my boyfriend" stories, because if he's not into me then I'll just seem obnoxious.

[SuzieQue]

Feeling completely run down. I've had work for 3-4 hours every day for the past week, plus midterms and projects. I've been so irritable with my friends and their dramas. I feel a little bad now because I shouldn't take my exhaustion out on them. I don't remember what it feels like to be well rested. I go to sleep and wake up tired. It feels like every moment of my life is taken up with work or studying. I haven't been able to hang out with any friends and I've only talked to G twice since last weekend. Thankfully after tonight I'll have a break from work for the next two days. I'm really looking forward to it.

 

And while it's on my mind, why do some managers feel it's okay to be rude to me? I don't understand why they have to power-trip like they do. It's not like I make mistakes or work slowly. They usually get angry with me for not doing something I haven't been taught to do yet. It's so annoying and frustrating. Patience just doesn't seem to be something they understand.

[SuzieQue]

Hell week is finally over and I can't fall asleep. Go figure.

 

A girl learned today that just because I am usually easy-going it doesn't mean I let people walk all over me. I can be a stubborn b*tch. I'm actually really proud of myself because 5 years ago I definitely would have caved in to avoid a confrontation. But I held my cool, as well as my eye contact, and told her my opinion and my reasons behind it. She was trying to push this idea onto me and was obviously unprepared for me standing my ground. She thought it would be easy to pester me into saying yes but I just kept repeating my reasons for saying no. She may or may not think I have a stick lodged up my a** but she can't say I didn't give her a straight answer.

 

I wish more people could just be straight forward like that. Life would be so much easier. I don't mean being brutally honest to the point of rudeness like some people are, but tactfully speaking their mind in a confident manner and sticking to what they say. It seems nowadays most people don't have the courage to do that. Everything important is always done over text or e-mail, or god forbid, facebook. Speaking face-to-face means there is little room for misinterpretation.

 

In other news, I have a love-hate relationship with Instagram. I love it because I think it's so neat to be able to see the world from other people's eyes and to be able to share my world with other people. But I hate it because now it seems to have evolved into this narcissistic tool people use to post pictures of only themselves. Nothing says "I'm vain" like 200 "selfies". It's cool to have pictures of yourself doing interesting things, and even a few self-taken pictures are ok, but when every picture you have is a wannabe-boudoir picture of yourself? Just GTFO. It is so irritating to me. I don't even mind the people who only post pictures of food, because at least that is something they are actually seeing and sharing. People who only post "selfies" just want a portfolio of over-edited, poorly-taken bathroom mirror pictures. They're rarely even good pictures, they just want their friends to tell them how "pretty" they are. Ugh, so boring.

 

I've been trying really hard lately to limit the amount of processed sugars I eat but it is difficult! Sugar is in EVERYTHING. I feel like if I could just get a hold on my sugar consumption, the fat on my stomach will go away easier. But today I ate like crap. I considered trying out intermittent fasting and even went to the leangains website but I just don't think I could fit it into my schedule right now. It is too crazy and never stable. However I really liked what the website's creator said about how being constantly busy is a good thing because it means you're burning more calories than you would sitting on the couch watching the Food Network. It makes me feel a little less exhausted and more empowered I guess.

 

Aaaand I just got a promotional e-mail from Starbucks. Begone, you temptress!!! =;

 

Ok, I need to sleep.

[SuzieQue]

The next time someone asks me why I'm so quiet.... I'll probably smile and say I don't know. But in my head I will be asking, "Why are you so RUDE?" Honestly. Why is it okay for people to ask a person why they are quiet, yet impolite to ask why someone is so loud? It is so goddamn annoying. I thought I was done with these stupid questions and observations after high school. "Are you shy?" "You're so soft-spoken!" "You don't talk much, do you?"

 

You know what? No. Next time, I'm going to deny it. "What do you mean? I'm not quiet. Where would you get that idea?" And I will just continue to deny it until they realize that as a matter of fact, I am NOT quiet, that they are just completely uninteresting to me and not people I wish to waste my breath on!

 

Yes, I was shy. But I grew out of it. I do not consider myself to be shy anymore. I'm an introvert. And I think other introverts would understand this. Just because I am not running my mouth off about every little stupid thing does not mean I am abnormal.

 

It is just so irritating. It brings me back to elementary school when the other kids would ask me all the time why I never talked. Or high school where I was labelled Quiet Girl. Or the time when my mom wondered out loud, in front of me, if I should go into therapy to fix my shyness problem.

 

I DO NOT HAVE A PROBLEM. Everyone else, with their nosiness and rudeness and self-centered narcissistic attitudes are the ones with the problem.

 

On the subject of people being stupid, the lack of common sense I see from my peers astounds me. I'm taking a class where we need to make up a three-slide PowerPoint and a 1 minute dialogue to go with it. It is amazing to me how many students need to have their hands held every step of the way. They don't pay attention to what the professor has asked for and end up with crappy presentations, and it's like they don't even understand the first thing about making a decent PowerPoint. No giant blocks of text, no crazy colors or animations, and clean, crisp pictures. Yet these people break every single one of these rules, and their dialogues are terrible. They speak too fast or soft or both, mumble, and obviously haven't practiced their presentations at all before each due date. I was Quiet Girl in high school, for goodness sakes, yet my speaking blew everyone else's straight out of the water. I was given the ok to go ahead with my presentation from the professor almost a week before everyone else. It's not even like these people are freshmen straight out of high school. They're my age, at least 3rd or 4th years at university! It's absolutely unbelievable to me. I'm starting to realize that most people at my school only got in because they can take a test well, but everything else is practically lacking.

 

Huff. That was a good rant. I feel much better now haha. On to people I actually care for....

 

G is visiting this weekend! I'm really excited to see him We had a really cute text exchange yesterday that went something like this:

 

G: Hey, guess what?

Me: What?

G: Just wanted to say that I love you.

 

Still makes me go awwwwww He doesn't usually send cutesy texts like that. Knowing I'll be seeing him soon makes the week worth it.

 

I sent Mom some flowers and a nice card for Mother's Day via some flower delivery site. Hopefully she gets them on time, I don't know if I can trust those online sites no matter how trustworthy it seems but we will see... I guess I could have gotten my brother to buy flowers for me but I think he might be even more unreliable than the website

 

I'm already thinking about Father's Day too. Dad is so hard to get gifts for. Are there any "manly" cookbooks out there? There must be. Mom says he's graduated from grilling to full on extravagant meals at home hahaha. I can't wait to go back for summer and experience some of that!

[SuzieQue]

Hm. Where do I even start? I've been pretty scattered since the weekend. It's been hard getting back into the swing of things. The little picture stuff is annoying me, lately I've just been wanting to sit back and let it all fall into place. But it's not going to fall into place if I don't work hard.

 

I had so much fun with G this weekend. I feel like our bond really grew, and even though he might be leaving for 3 months, I feel much more secure about it than I did before. We can do it. We can stay together. I know he is loyal.

 

His friend visited for a bit too and said something really sweet. He said that out of all the couples he knew, he could see us being the ones that stay together forever. G's friend can be awkward and although that comment made me initially uncomfortable, it made me think.. What if? A scary thing for me to be doing.

 

Also.... I may or may not have been under the influence but I looked in the mirror during this influence and was extremely surprised at what I saw. The girl looking back at me was stunning. Absolutely gorgeous. And I was unapologetic about being completely vain. Because although it was probably a drug-induced vision it made me realize how hard I am on myself. I really need to give myself more credit for all my hard work, both from working out and from school. I've come a very long ways and should be proud of myself. I'm not sure how long this new confidence in myself will last, but for now I'm enjoying looking at the mirror and liking what I see.

 

I also started doodling on my notes yesterday. I had forgotten how amazing it felt to be able to do that. I want to start drawing again so badly. I just never have time to put to paper all of the ideas I have, so they remain unborn or trapped on lined notebook paper beside blocks of my chicken-scratch handwriting. I need to make time for this. Maybe set aside an hour or two for homework, then another two hours for working out, and then another two hours for getting my ideas out on paper. I wonder if I can do it. So I've got about 18 hours of school a week. Paired with 16 hours of work. There are 168 hours in a week... Subtract sleep (I guess I need sleep).. In a perfect world with a perfect schedule it would give me about 80 hours a week to do things I enjoy. I forgot about volunteering and the hours in between classes when I'm stranded on campus and forget to bring things to do. Also the few hours I lose catching up on tv. But even with 50 hours I still would have about 7 hours in a day to do homework/art/working out... Ha. I sound so shroomy. But why freaking not? Why wouldn't I be able to do this? I complain I have no time for things but really I've got so much of it.

 

Going back to G possibly going abroad soon. It made me think about going abroad myself. My best guy friend is having the time of his life right now, and I want to experience that. I think it would be so cool. But I worry that if I go abroad it will set me back and I won't graduate on time. I need to research this to see if I can take classes I need and still graduate next spring. Next spring. Ugh.

 

Lastly, she texted me and said she wants to talk when I get back home after finals. I really don't want to talk to her. I wish she would just leave me alone. She says she wants to be friends yet ignores me and acts passive aggressive to me when I ignore her back. I'm not the person she once knew. I need to figure out what I would say to her without being a complete b*tch. 1. She only wants to be my friend when it's convenient to her. 2. She gets upset when I spend time with my own friends. 3. She doesn't understand the importance of family. 4. We're just way too different now. We have nothing in common.

 

That last one especially. We may have a history but what's the use of that if we don't understand each other anymore? She's probably going to cry. Oh yeah,#5. she's emotionally manipulative.

[SuzieQue]

My PMS has been terrible this week. I've been either extremely irritable at people for the dumbest things or I get weepy at the drop of a hat. Like at commercials and magazine ads. It's ridiculous. And I had the biggest food binge yesterday, it was worse than I've had in a long time. I think I have a problem with food. It's usually with sugary foods too. I was doing so well for about a month but the past two weeks I've just been shoving anything that tastes even a little bit sweet down my throat. I'm trying to control it, but if I know it's in the house I will eat it. Ugh. I'm worried that all this sugar is messing with my blood sugar. It probably is. At least I've continued my workouts. But the biggest part about being healthy is what you put in your mouth, and I'm having a terrible time of it lately.

 

I really miss G. I feel like half of my relationship with him is missing him. There is so much I want to do with him.. two days every two weeks never feels enough. It is so frustrating. And this abroad thing has just been looming over my head. He's so excited about it, and I'm so happy for him that he'll be able to have that experience. But damn it I want to go with him!! I wanted to go back packing and camping with him this summer, but now I don't know how long we'll have before he has to leave. ugh. Why couldn't he have planned this when I'm in school?? Then at least I'd be busy and not at home, bored out of my mind, being depressed about all the things we could of done this summer but can't because he's abroad. We've done 2 months of not seeing each other before. This is only 4 weeks difference. But I'd be absolutely lying if I said I wasn't scared. Distance may make the heart grow fonder, but only for so long.

 

I was supposed to go volunteer today, but cancelled kind of last minute... I feel bad, but I just could not go today. I am way too busy with school and work, and I need to focus on my classes right now. Volunteering is just that. I'm volunteering my time... It's so emotionally taxing too, and I don't think I could handle any more emotions right now. I just feel bad because I haven't gone in a long time. I need me time though. Desperately.

 

My whole 7 hours a day thing is actually going ok. I've been focusing more on school now that I have a set "time" that i need to work on it every day. Still haven't gotten around to drawing or doing artsy stuff yet. Every time I've tried I end up feeling guilty, like I'm wasting my time. Then I end up studying some more. My GPA better be amazing by the end of this.

 

I also figured out all of the classes I need to take to graduate, and I'm actually super close to being done. It's a really scary but exciting thought. This summer I need to look into internships or starter jobs that I can stick with after I graduate. I don't want to move back home after school. I think I'd go crazy... I honestly think, if given the option, I would stay around here. I just like the area better, and the people are somewhat nicer, the air cleaner, and of course G is here. That freaks me out a little bit, that part of the reason I would want to get a job here is to stay with a boy. But the thing is... I think he's truly worth it. I want this to work out. But it's scary with all the uncertainty. And him being my first boyfriend... It's been done before, but... Stop. I'm thinking way too ahead. I'm being silly.

 

Well. Now that I've got an extra 3 hours from canceling my volunteering, I better be good on my word and get to studying.

[SuzieQue]

I need to get out of bed and go on a run. Last night I had another really bad binge. Yesterday morning I discovered that I was at my lowest weight ever so I bet that triggered it. Self-sabotage I guess. I stuffed myself so bad that I was in pain. I actually walked to the bathroom and stood over the toilet and considered making myself throw up. It wouldn't have taken much really, I was so full that the skin around my stomach felt like it would split. I didn't do it because I decided one eating disorder is enough. God. I think I might have a binge eating disorder. Or at least am developing one. I fit the description. I'm constantly thinking about food and what I'm going to eat and when I'm going to eat it. I eat when not hungry and it easily turns into a binge. I prefer eating alone because then I feel like no one will judge me for what I eat. And then I stuff myself beyond what should be possible. And I absolutely hate myself during and after. It's been getting more frequent too. I think it is stress-triggered but I don't want to be like this. I feel so awful right now. My heart is still racing from all the sugar, my hands are tingly, my mind feels fuzzy, and my back hurts. This is so unhealthy. And I think this is the first time I've truly realized that I might have a serious problem. I'm not by any means overweight, but if this continues I could be. I'm not even really worried about getting fat, its my health I'm worried about. This is not good. I could be seriously hurting myself with all this crap I'm putting into my body. And it's like the more I realize it, the greater the urge to binge becomes. I don't know what to do. I didn't even have anything unhealthy in the house yesterday, but the desire was so powerful I actually walked to the store and bought a large bag of candy and ate over half of it. I just sat there and ate and ate and ate. And then I felt like sh*t and put it away. And then an hour later I ate almost all my leftovers from the night before. It wasn't even sugary. I just wanted to be eating.

It feels like I'm hungover. I've literally been lying in bed for the past 2 hours trying to kick myself into going on a long run. The weather is perfect and I love running. This is really, really bad.

 

In other news, G was over for part of the weekend. It was really nice to see him but in the beginning things felt off. I think he might have been acting distant due to the abroad thing. He had another meeting with a supervisor before seeing me and figured out where and pretty much when he'll be going. He kept saying he wants to stay together and it made me think this was him assuring himself more than me. But after a bit things went back to normal and we had fun like we usually do. We made plans to go up to his place after my finals which makes me happy since I didn't even have to bring it up. He wants to show me around and introduce me to his old high school buds. I'll be staying there a few days and then I'll head back to my town. I might try to convince him to come with me, but I don't know if it would be worth it. I just want to show him off to people. Other than that my town has nothing to offer and my high school friends never want to go out. And I'm currently at some weird stage with my old best friend so maybe its not a great idea.

 

So then he left and I binged. I won't be seeing him again till I'm done with finals, which is mid June. Awesome. I also had a nightmare last night/this morning that we broke up and he was being a complete jerk. Ugh. I can't wait for school to be over. I think it is literally driving me insane.

 

Ok. After I post this I'm going on a run. A nice long one to sweat out some of the crap in my system and clear my head. Hopefully I don't barf.

[SuzieQue]

Apparently we see ourselves 5 times more beautiful than we really are. But how can that be true when so many people hate looking in the mirror, hate having pictures taken of them, just hate everything about the way they look? If this is true then I must look like a goddamn troll.

 

I've come up with a plan to curb my binge eating before it gets even more out of hand. I'm gonna have to distract myself every time I feel that urge. Maybe I'll come here and write about nothing, or I could just get up and get out of the house and go on a run. Because just telling myself "no" or envisioning myself thirty pounds heavier or counting to ten or whatever doesn't work. I need to do something to distract my brain, or else I get more and more anxious until I break and start eating. I don't know what snapped but this week has just been me uncontrollably eating. Maybe it's because finals are coming up. I hope it goes away soon though because I am literally wanting to eat all. day. long.

I've been getting shin splints too, which is friggen fantastic. Running is one of my few escapes and favorite form of exercise. I guess I'll just have to focus on strength training for now.

 

I got maybe four hours of sleep last night.. I'm so tired but my day is far from over yet. I need to do errands and my car is in such desperate need of a wash... I still have to complete my data from lab and study for the tests on monday and thursday... And tonight I promised I'd hang out with some friends I've been neglecting. Ughhh. I just want to sleep.

And then tomorrow I have that event at 8 am. I still need to bake and package all those stupid cookies... I'm going to be tempted to eat like half of them. I just want to crawl into a hole and not come out for two weeks How do busy, successful people do it? I can't keep a strict busy schedule for very long because after a few days I end up exhausted.

[SuzieQue]

One really annoying thing G does is he gets hypocritically jealous. That's really the only way I can describe it. If I were to ever mention that I think a certain celeb is attractive or talk about guys in my past, G gets super annoyingly jealous and asks questions like "oh, is he taller/stronger/better than me?" And he gets all butt-hurt about it too. Like I'm being unfaithful by finding other people attractive. It's not like I do anything either. I'm not a flirt. I would never ever cheat. I love G with all my heart.

The hypocrisy comes in because G likes to talk about "cute" girls he sees as if it's some sort of test to see if I'm a chill girlfriend or not. It usually goes like, "I talked with this cute girl at work today. She wasn't as cute as you but she definitely liked me." I'm so used to it now that it doesn't even phase me and I'm just like "Uh huh, cool." He always says that I'm prettier/cuter/hotter/smarter/whatever than these girls though. Maybe I should do that too. But come on. When people talk about actors/models being hot it is already assumed that they are way hotter than the rest of society.

 

Anyways. The point of this post. He called me late last night/early this morning and was drunk and talking about how he ran into some random guy we both know. And then he asked me if I ever had a thing for this guy and got super jealous when I said no but thought he was a cool guy. Because to G, being a "cool guy" obviously means I want to bone him. Then the "I talked to this really cute girl" thing started. So me being tired decided to screw with him and acted super jealous like he does. And then he started saying how I shouldn't be jealous because I'm cuter and he loves me and we've been together for over a year and he wouldn't throw that away. Blah blah. Then I told him I know and that I was just trying to show him how annoying him being jealous could be. And somehow in his drunk mind the conversation went full circle back to the guy we both know and he asked me if this guy had ever seen me naked. And because I was irritated I VERY SARCASTICALLY said yes and got hung up on. Ugh. G can be such a freaking drama queen when drunk.

 

This happened once before when I was trying to tell G a funny story about how this guy awkwardly hit on me. Big mistake, because all of a sudden I felt like I was playing the 20 Questions game with Jealous Judy and out of the blue G asks me how many other guys I've slept with. Which is a super dumb question because G is my first so obviously I've never been with anyone else. He just wanted to hear me say that I've only been with him for an ego stroking. But it rubbed me the wrong way because I don't like being tested like this so I said something like, "Oh, I don't know, at least 15 other guys." and G hung up the phone. The only difference is I called him back that time. Last night I was not in the mood to deal with his drunk jealous crap so I went to sleep.

 

I know me saying stuff like that obviously doesn't help the problem but it gets so annoying. And insulting because it's like, we've been together for over a year, why don't you have faith in me? Lose the self-confidence issues because I love you and only you. But he doesn't get it.

[SuzieQue]

Everything feels like a hassle right now. I just want to take my damn tests and be done. I don't have time for stupid things like showers or brushing my teeth or changing my clothes. Going to the bathroom is annoying because I have to get up and move. Buying groceries is completely out of the question. If I'm not taking a test right now, all I want to be doing is eating or sleeping. But I still have a full week till I'm done. God damn it.

 

Since last Thursday I've been sleeping 5 hours a night, if I'm lucky. more like 3 or 4 hours. I'm so busy it is driving me nuts. I need to get the eff out of here.

[SuzieQue]

Finally I have a break so of course all I've been doing is thinking, and thinking, and thinking...... I don't even know where to start. Most of it is about G. Sometimes I feel like I am watching our relationship slowly deteriorate as he looks up more careers abroad. And then when I'm feeling more confident I wonder why I'm even sweating it at all... We're young, this relationship doesn't need to be going anywhere.

 

I ask myself what I want... I don't really know. It's not like I actively think about being with G forever, or moving in or marriage or anything like that. It's more like... I'd be extremely upset if he were to suddenly disappear from my life. I don't want to lose him.

 

But I want him to be happy, and successful, and proud of what he does. If that means getting a job out of the country, then I'll survive. If I were in his place I would do the same. It's just that I feel like I'm in so much turmoil about it all the time, yet it doesn't seem like it crosses his mind at all. There was this show on tv that I guess is documenting the lives of couples that just got married. And one of the couples is long-distance and I can just feel the girl's pain.. Her husband acts like she's just his weekend getaway and then flies off to work after visiting a few days. She's completely unhappy and he doesn't notice a thing. And here I am, almost done with finals, so excited to see G after two weeks, and he doesn't even want to come visit until Saturday? Um. Ok. I'm starting to feel like I'm his chore or something. Yeah, once he visits we'll be together for almost all of next week, but I'm going home and who knows when the next time I'll see him is? He might be off in freaking Korea by the time I come back to school. I might never see him again.

 

It is so frustrating. I know I should talk to him. I want to talk to him. But when he's here the words just don't come out right.

 

 

As for my binge eating, I've been binge free for over a week. It helps that I go to the library to study because then I can't grab food to eat. Even though I've been doing pretty well I think the bad eating has taken its toll because I just feel disgusting all the time. Even after my workouts I look in the mirror and feel flabby and gross. I don't know whats going on with my body. Maybe its bloat from pms. I keep seeing all these girls with skinny legs and flat stomachs on campus.. I'm pear-shaped so I look thin from the waist up but my lower stomach and my thighs and butt.. ugh. I'm just soft all over. And I hate it. I need to build more muscle. I'm considering asking my brother's physical trainer for tips, and maybe getting him to measure my body fat percentage. But... he's super cute, so I don't know if I really want him to know how much I weigh or how much fat I have lol.

 

Finals are going well, I think. All that work and studying is finally paying off. Having no life for the past 12 weeks is finally paying off I'm just SO ready to be done. Two more days... Two more days and I'm going to go absolutely nuts and drink myself silly. Then it could be G's turn to take care of me.

 

And back to G... When we first started dating I was worried how it would work out with him not living nearby. So I told myself that when I feel more bad than good about the relationship, then the time would come to let it go. Because I know I hold on too tightly to things and people for way longer than I should. And right now... I don't know. We have so much fun when we are together but we are only together maybe four to five days out of the month. And the last time I saw him I just didn't feel fully connected. So we'll see. Maybe this is the beginning of the end... But see, even when I begin to think about breaking up I start to cry. He's been such a huge part of my life this past year, and has influenced a lot of good in me. I love him so much. It's truly just bad timing...

 

....It makes me really, really sad.

[SuzieQue]

I'm annoyed right now because it has been over two weeks since the last time we saw each other and you don't even want to visit until tonight. You could have visited yesterday. We were both free. It makes me feel like you don't want to see me.

 

What is this relationship to you? Are you as frustrated about our situation as I am? It seems like you are perfectly fine with only seeing me twice a month. I like my space, but this is just too much.

 

I feel like every time you visit, everything has to be fun. I have to be your chill girlfriend and there has to be some kind of party going on for you to be happy. But I'm tired. I don't know how much more of this I can take, especially since it is highly likely that you're going to be out of the country soon, and for a long time.

 

I should have said something earlier. I guess I need to speak up more. Yesterday I should have asked you to get here sooner. I miss you so much, all the time, every day. But I think I try so hard to not be clingy that I've let some of my own happiness fall through the cracks. I want you to want to visit more, without me asking. I would even love to visit you, if you'd just understand that I don't care that its boring where you live. I want to see you for you. I'm ok with just hanging out. But I'm beginning to realize maybe you aren't. You always have to be up and moving around and doing something or talking to people. And I really don't mind, I love that you are a great people-person because it has pulled me out of my shell and made me better with people. I admire your ability to walk into a room and get everyone's attention. But sometimes I wish that the only attention you strive for is mine. A lot of the time I feel like it just isn't you and me anymore. There's always your friends or my friends and the two of us.

 

I am more possessive and jealous than I have ever been before. Is it because I sense that we are pulling away?

 

I wish I had said something sooner, because it is starting to feel like it is too late. It's just hard to speak about these things over the phone.

 

I love you, and consider you to be one of my best friends. I don't want to lose you, but I feel like I am being taken for granted.

[SuzieQue]

Wow, how do I begin? I guess I'll just start from the beginning...

 

Finals went great. Like, way better than expected. I didn't get a 4.0 but came very close. Good to know all that hard work paid off!

 

G came into town late on the Saturday after finals and I admit I was being a little cold towards him. I decided not to have any "serious talks" with him though until later in the week because I didn't want to spoil a good time by being neurotic. So we had a fun night celebrating my friend's 21st birthday and then the next morning we left for his childhood town.

 

On the drive I was surprised that we didn't have many awkward silences. I was worried there would be a lot considering it was a 4 hour drive. I tentatively asked him about the abroad stuff and he seems just as confused about it as I am haha. He really doesn't know where he wants to go or what he wants to do. The idea of being alone in a different country is making him a little nervous, and he has projects at home that he is leaning towards wanting to complete before leaving the country. So I'm not too worried about not seeing him when I get back anymore. As for the distance, there's really not much we can do about that.. We're both going to be busy and it's still going to be hard but it was good to have all of last week to bond some more with G. And I really feel like our relationship grew stronger. It was almost like a dream; we went hiking and wine-tasting and I got to meet his brother and friends. It was incredibly wonderful... I realize that it probably isn't a very realistic example of how we would be if we weren't' long-distance because it was very "vacationy", but I really enjoyed it all the same.

 

On our way home however, we got into a really bad car accident. Both cars involved were totaled. But amazingly everyone survived and no one was seriously injured. I needed to go to the ER for gashes on my forehead and pain in my hip, but G and the other driver came out physically fine. G felt so badly though because he was the driver. I was in shock and was kind of taking everything in with humor, but there was a moment in the ER when G was holding my hand and he began to cry It was really heart-breaking because I had never seen him cry before, but touching that he was so worried about me. He stood by my side the entire time, even when I needed stitches and when I got x-rays. I honestly think the only reason I was able to keep it together was because he was there. I ended up not having any broken bones but I couldn't walk on my injured leg so he let me lean on him when we left the hospital. And later he found my favorite candies, which I thought was so sweet.

My parents had to come up and get me because we no longer had a car to drive back in, so I didn't have much time to make sure G was ok mentally... He stayed up at the house and has decided to continue job-searching and fixing up the place and will come back down later with his brother.

I was really worried about him after I got home because I know he is being incredibly hard on himself over the whole situation. But I called him today and he sounded pretty good, and is keeping busy with physical labor which I know will help distract him.

 

I just keep looking at pictures of the crash, and remembering how terrifying it was.. His car basically turned to scrap metal after the impact... People keep telling me how lucky I am and I'm like, "I KNOW." Sometimes they ask if everything seemed to happen in slow-motion, but I felt like it happened in moments... The moment when G lost control.. The moment when I saw the other car coming at us that I honestly thought I was going to die... And after everything stopped moving I remember G yelling and asking if I was ok and just being amazed that I was still alive. And then all of a sudden my blood was everywhere and I was so scared that I had split my head open or something and G just grabs me and looks me straight in the eyes and says "I love you."

 

I'm at home now and healing up slowly but surely. I'm covered in bruises. I'll probably have a big scar on my forehead but if thats all I have to sacrifice then I am so grateful. The accident has really put a lot of things in perspective for me. A lot of the things I'm thinking and feeling seem very cliche... For example, life feels extremely fragile to me now. I'm talking to my old best friend again. She hasn't come to visit me because she is very busy but says she wants to.. I've decided it's too much energy to get upset at people for being flakey. Most likely she will not change, and in a month I won't be afraid of driving and my amazement of surviving the crash will fade... That's just how things are. Maybe it's sad, but I guess that's just how life is. It just keeps on moving forward whether you're ready or not.

 

Like I said. Very cliched haha.

[SuzieQue]

Bored out of my mind. Been doing a little bit of yoga to try and stretch my muscles but my back and hip still hurt too much to do anything else. It is literally a pain in my ass. And my forehead itches soo much. Trying not to disturb it but I took a look at it this morning and could already see the scarring. Kind of made me a little depressed... It didn't really seem real when it was all covered up and out of sight. I can keep it out of the sun for a year and moisturize it all I want, but there's gonna be a scar no matter what... I didn't think it would bother me that much but.. It's beginning to feel like a small change in identity.

 

Anyways, I can't be very active so I've been reading and catching up on shows. It's boring. I want to workout. My big plan this summer was to put on a lot of muscle without the distraction of school and work. So much for that. Trying not to eat too much. Doing well today, but it's been hard since my mom is always wanting to go out for chipotle or starbucks.

 

Got an e-mail from my advisor about wwoofing in Hawaii and I'm seriously considering it as a possibility after I graduate.

[SuzieQue]

$40 for deodorant, makeup remover, tampons, razor cartridges, and mascara. Why are these things so damn expensive? UGH.

 

The pain in my hip and back is much better than it was a week ago. I actually was able to water the plants today and I've been walking around more and more. I would like to take my mom's dog out on walks but he pulls too much and I don't want to hurt myself.

 

I'm still waiting for my paycheck that was supposedly mailed to me last week. If I don't get it by Monday I'm gonna have to call them again. I swear, those idiots can't do anything right. I could probably do all of their jobs plus my own and still do a better job of it.

 

My "friend" still hasn't visited me. I'm just gonna drop it and not let her bother me anymore. I guess I'm not a big priority in her life. Other friends have seen me though, and my friends up at school are always asking how I am.

 

I bought a couple headbands the other day to protect my scars from the sun and I've been trying to figure out how to wear them without looking strange I feel like I look like a wannabe hipster in middle school. I guess it will take time to get used to wearing hats and stuff. I don't remember the last time I wore anything in my hair. I rarely do anything with my hair at all!

 

Also, I broke out in hives today. Summer's just turning into one big ball of fun and awesome.

[SuzieQue]

Not hives. It's poison oak.

 

My legs are covered in disgusting, oozing blisters. I look like some kind of diseased thing you would find in a polluted swamp. I even have some popping up on my hands and I am so worried they're going to move to my face.

 

I got it on the day of the crash. I remember people talking about there being tons of poison oak everywhere. I'm guessing I sat right in it after they pulled me out of the car. I'm worried they're going to show up on my face because I was touching it with my hands while cleaning off the blood and trying to stop the bleeding from my forehead. I've never come into contact with poison oak before and supposedly the first exposure can take up to 15 days to show up. And 4 weeks to go away. Just f*cking fantastic.

 

I'm absolutely hideous.

 

I can't look at my legs or I'll start to cry. I'm a mess. I am so disgusted and angry and frustrated. I haven't left the house in two days. I'm so mortified, I don't want anyone to see me like this. It looks like my legs are covered in barnacles. I've been taking prednisone and using five different anti-itch creams but I've seen no improvements. It gets worse everyday. The blisters are getting bigger and bigger and they're spreading. When will this torture end??

 

What a sh*t summer this is turning out to be.

[SuzieQue]

Some friends invited me to go paddle boarding with them tomorrow but my mom thinks it's a bad idea since I still have 3 more weeks to recover... She's worried that if I fall I'm going to refracture my pelvis. Doesn't make sense to me, since I will be falling in water, but my doctor voiced the same concern so I'm outnumbered. I really wanted to go I didn't even care that my legs look like ground beef from the poison oak.

 

3 more weeks... What am I gonna do till then?? I've been reading and catching up on tv shows and movies but I'm so bored of sitting. I tried drawing a little bit yesterday, but that's just more sitting. I walk at least 20 minutes a day, but yesterday I think I overdid it a bit because my leg is pretty stiff. Sigh.

 

3 weeks and I'll also be able to see G again. We skyped a few days ago and it was really good to see his face. He got a new haircut and was looking handsome as ever. How'd I wind up with such a catch?

[SuzieQue]

I've lost 4 pounds since I've been home. I doubt it's fat because I haven't been able to do much exercise at all. Ugh. I wanted to work on strength training so bad this summer.. Oh well. At least I haven't binged since school, I haven't even gotten the urge once so that's a good thing. Hopefully it will carry over into the school year. It's probably because I haven't been especially stressed these past few weeks haha. But I haven't binged out of boredom either so I guess I deserve a pat on the back for that haha.

 

I need to be nicer to my brother.. Unfortunately it's become a habit for my only interactions with him to be snapping at him. We had such a horrible relationship when we were in high school that I don't know how to be nice to him, which is sad to me. I see the way my friends interact with their siblings and wish I could somehow start over with him. Every time I try to be nice and start a conversation it feels so awkward.

 

The last of the poison oak blisters have finally scabbed up lol....Ew.

[SuzieQue]

I've been doing nothing but sitting in my underwear all morning, lol. I have no motivation to do anything but think myself into insanity. I'm ready to go back to school now. Doing practically nothing all day for four weeks is not good for my mental health. Lately I've made a habit of thinking about things that scare me into near paralysis. Mostly about the future. I really don't like uncertainty, do I?

 

My old friend apparently told my mom to tell me to text her. Why doesn't she just text me? Or better yet, use the two fully functioning legs she was born with and walk the 150 yards to my house to say hi? I'm so over her bullsh*t. If I don't see her once this summer, it will have been a good summer.

 

Had to put on clothes. The grandparents are here... I love my grandparents, but for some reason my mom thinks that every time she goes to work, they need to be here to take care of things. Take care of what?? I can cook, do my own laundry, clean, drive myself to the store.. It is just so irritating because it is NEVER quiet in this house. I can't get a single moment to myself! My mom is home most of the week and is constantly pestering me to do things with her, and on the one day she is at work, my grandparents are here blasting judge judy or dr. oz on the tv! I'm going absolutely nuts! I need to freaking get out of here!

 

That leads me to one thing I've been thinking about lately: where am I going to go after I graduate? I can't come back home. I just can't. This is torture, I can't even take a month of being home without wanting to go on a crazy rage So it is imperative that I get a job or an internship this year that will hopefully open the door for something next June. But... Do I want to stay around where I go to school? I really like it up there.. The environment and the people are nice, and if I'm still with G then there's that as well. Honestly, the only reason I would want to stay down here is for the year-round perfect weather. And my mom would probably lose it if I didn't come home. But the people here are mostly self-centered jerks, and everything is about money, or "making it," or being better than everyone else. I guess a lot of it comes down to where I find the "best" job first... I honestly didn't really think about this until my friend said she's seriously considering staying up north. And she was someone who would vehemently defend the benefits of living down south. It really surprised me. And made me realize I really do like it up there. But how much of that is me liking the area vs. me wanting to stay close to G?

 

On the topic of G... This always happens. We don't see each other for a while and I start to get confused and worried and doubtful about our relationship and how much he actually cares for me. I mean... Obviously he cares about me. Why else would he be in a relationship with me when he can't see me for weeks at a time?I'm being insecure. It all comes back to the same issue of me wishing we weren't long-distance. The one week we were together at his old place was fantastic. I got to pretend that we were just like some of our friends in relationships. We went grocery shopping together. We rented movies. We chilled on the couch with a couple beers and just talked. I woke up next to him every morning for a full week. It was awesome. But will it ever happen again? Will we ever not be long-distance?

 

I'm not his first priority. I don't know why this suddenly occurred to me... Maybe because the last time we talked he casually mentioned how he's going to be gone for three weeks for an out-of-state workshop late August-September. He told me as if it was as simple as "Oh, by the way, I'm going to the city this weekend." There was no "I'm thinking of taking this workshop," it was straight up, "I'm going."

 

Why should I be his first priority? Admittedly I'm embarrassed to be writing this at all because I sound so selfish and needy. His career should be his first priority. If I had to choose between a job with a definite future and our relationship... I would choose the job. So why was that so irritating to me? I guess it would have been nice to be kept in the loop. I don't really like surprises. But I should know by now that G sucks at planning. He's terrible at it. He says that he's going to visit, but I'm just going to assume it's not going to happen. He doesn't even have a car yet. How is he going to come down? By bus?

If I'm feeling this badly after not seeing him for a month, how am I going to survive when he leaves for three months? I am pining for that physical connection with him. I wish I knew how he felt. But it never feels like the right time to ask, plus it sounds so whiney if I ask him if he ever misses me.

 

 

 

I've been thinking about death a lot. Way too much for my liking. It's definitely because of the accident that I've become extremely sensitive to it. I hate thinking about it. Thinking that at any moment, I could cease to exist. That anyone I care about could be gone forever. And death can come from any angle. Freak accident. At the hands of another human being. From within our own bodies. It scares the f*ck out of me. I used to believe in God and an afterlife, but now that I don't it feels like I'm a tight-rope walker with the safety net cut away.

 

I'm trying to get used to driving again since I'm going to have to make the long drive back up to school in less than two weeks. I can drive fine on my own, maybe I get a little panicky in traffic, but it's when I'm not the driver that I have a problem. I don't trust anyone to drive safe enough anymore and I'm afraid I've become a very terrible back-seat driver. So I'm not sure how taking turns on the drive is going to work out with my friend who will be driving with me. I just don't know if I'll be able to give up control of my car right now but I also don't know if I'll be able to drive the seven hours without frying my brain.

 

Ugh. I just want all these effects of the accident to just go away already. Stop hindering my life.

[SuzieQue]

Does anyone else warm sticks of butter by putting them under their arms or between their legs? Lol. It takes so much less time then just waiting for it to soften on its own, or putting it in the microwave and having it be melted on the outside and still hard on the outside. But I feel like if anyone knew I did this they would never eat anything I bake hahaha. The butter is still wrapped of course, and I'm clothed so it's not actually gross but probably not one of those things you want to know when eating banana bread, right?

 

I finally saw Silver Linings Playbook today and really enjoyed it. Jennifer Lawrence is an amazing actress, and I think Bradley Cooper is getting pretty good roles lately too. Wasn't he a mostly chick-flicky kind of actor only a few years ago?

 

The poison oak is still super itchy and has been driving me nuts lately. I think the prednisone finally wore off and my skin is still a little irritated. I can't believe it takes this long to get over it.. ugh. I think my skin is just a huge drama queen. I've been breaking out a lot lately too, which I'm hoping is just from the prednisone because I haven't broken out this badly in months. Which is fabulous because G actually got a ride to come down next week I'm really happy though. Now to protect him from my nutso family And time to break out the secret zit-destroyer: mashed up and wetted aspirin tablets. Works like a charm.

 

I'll be back at school in a little over a week now. I'm getting more and more stressed about this year... I'm so worried about finding something to do after I graduate. I've been applying to all the internships and volunteer activities related to my major for this fall but have yet to hear back from anything.

 

I've been super productive since that last post though. My leg and hip don't bother me so much anymore which has put me in a bit of a better mood. I planted my mom a new herb garden, then worked on some DIY shirt projects I've been meaning to do for a year now and I finished and began some art projects. I also have been doing some core workouts that don't strain my injury and I'm really feeling it today! It's a good feeling, to be sore from finally working out again and not my stupid injury. I started doing the workout about 6 days ago and my tummy definitely looks tighter. I really don't care about my weight at this point, I just want muscles!