my boyfriend is using me

[keeptrying]

everyday it gets harder and harder to cope with this relationship. how can he still smoke weed when were in so much financial debt. Here i am at 21years old earning well over the average income and i have never been in so much debt and been so unhappy in all my life. He doesnt work, when he did he made the minimum wage because hes "not smart enough" to be anything else but a baker. i dont believe it, everyone is smart enough it just takes longer for some people to learn and grasp ideas. he wont even try, he just says nup i cant do it. i work on commission so some days i can make 0$ after wasting 5 hours of my time, i cant change it, its just the way it is. On days like that i feel like i let him down, he looks at me as if saying 'and how are you going to make up for it?', i feel sad that i failed and i all i want is some comfort. When im watching t.v, or cleaning i feel like im doing something wrong - i can feel his disappointment that im not spending that time earning money. 5 years ago when we first started living together i never pictured that this would be my life, i knew he wasnt exactly a catch and i knew about his debts but this is beginning to feel really unfair. I dont even care about the money anymore, i just wish he was understanding, i wish it didnt feel like i was doing on my own, i wish that when i was upset or stressed he would care instead of just blankly staring at me like its all my fault. i want to get ahead in life and i have all the means to do it, and its heartless to say hes holding me back. It just feels like hes using me to feel success in life because he cannot be bothered making his own.

 

 

He wakes up every morning and starts watching his stupid tv shows or youtube, chops up his weed, tends to his weed plants and worries about our money situation. Why cant he figure out how to make his own money- if only to lift some of the burden off of me. Im not the spender in the relationship, im not the one that had debts, and now hes turned my life as upside down as his is. He wastes so much money on weed and stupid habits like junk food. im sick of supporting him. Why cant he want more for himself, he doesnt want anything out of life other then me, and its not fair. I sound like i have utter resentment for him, i can tell just through the words im typing. im 21 and i feel like im living a 30yr old woman with a deadbeat husbands life. Things that never used to bother me have just recently started bothering me. Hes made me orgasm twice in the entire time ive known him, he lasts less then 1 minute LITERALLY, i cant help but feel dissapointed every time we have sex, but id never show it. He demands headjobs from me and if i forget to give him one then he wont cuddle me for days. Hes bossy and always has to decide on everything. Its all so backwards. im the money keeper and the supporter and im the lesser person in the relationship. hes the decision maker and the person in front and im just the girlfriend. i wish i didnt love him anymore, hes ****ing up my life and making it as debt filled and miserable as his was before we started living together. I want someone who will work towards goals with me instead of just pushing and pushing me towards mine and not having any of his own. Ihjsdfh;sdjkfl;asdgf

[Lavender25]

I'm sorry you are going through this, but DUMP HIM. He's not going to change.

[buddha55]

why are you with him??? you would be happier ALONE

[keeptrying]

why are you with him??? you would be happier ALONE

 

When i was 16 i ran away from home(not that you could even call it that, my mum is schizophrenic and a heavy drug user) to live with him, i moved to the other end of the continent, ( yes i know thats the stupidest thing youve ever heard, looking back it was the stupidest decision ever, i should of just moved out but stayed on the same side of the damn country) and hes all i know, i cant imagine being completely alone in this town

[wolflovesmoon]

You need to be with a man, not a son, you are truly wasting your time asking the wrong questions, it should be about you, at least you know where your head is. you just need to direct it to the right path, i don`t want to judge your boyfriend, we are subjected to be in the same situation-not been able to find a job- or work an odd job- i work two jobs, cleaning houses in the morning and in a restaurant in the evening, i have to work, i want to work, my wife earns money but it make me feel good to be able to make money and contribute into our saving, i like to give her money to get lunch sometimes, buy her gifts, and take her out, having a job to start with is great but with ambitions, one must always excel and want more, for our selves and our partners.

the weed is taking control of your boyfriends life, and yours in a way, you love him, that`s obvious, maybe he loves you, but love ain`t just word, love does not pay bills, you need to talk to him, firmly and seriously, he is not worried because he knows you got it all covered up, relationships are 50/50 in some cases, but men should be men and provide, its very unattractive trust me.

i don`t want to assume but it sounds like you have some self-esteem issues and you think probably no one want to be with you, but the mentally paralyzed boyfriend, that`s not true, if you keep living in this bubble you will lose time, and who you are.

its time to step up. talk to him to get him self together and start acting like a man. or leave him and find someone who is responsible, who can be there to share the burden of life and support you financially and emotionally.

[meoww]

Do you tend to get taken advantage of in your friendships or other relationships as well? I think you might suffer from low self esteem. It seems you are beginning to realize you deserve better, but I think it will be important for you to examine why you got into this relationship in the first place. Do your parents have a dysfunctional relationship? Maybe you have never been in a healthy relationship with anyone.

 

Be really careful about who you get romantically involved with. From experience, I can say I've dated all kinds of people and even though my boyfriends came from all different backgrounds, there was a common thread in that all of them were either unhealthy for me or even abusive. My relationships actually got worse over time, not better, so don't make the mistake of thinking things can only get better as you mature.

 

Just wanted to share that with you because I wouldn't wish that hell on anyone.

 

Be with someone who makes you happy! It gets easier and simpler for me to do that with time.

[becomingkate]

Start a secret savings account and plan to be out by the first of July. Seriously! That's what I did when I left, and my daughter was 17 months old at the time. Keep checking Craig's List for roomies etc.

 

Good luck!

[shellyf62]

Exactly what Kate said. Start your own account that he knows nothing about, and ferret as much money as you can into it. I would also start giving him spending money & that is all. Stop giving him access to the money you earn if he is wasting it. Let him pout & have tantrums like a child, if he isnt earning the money or pulling his weight he doesnt deserve to reap the rewards.

 

Of course it is scary being on your own. I was alone with 2 children after 17 years of marriage, but I made it, one day at a time, and you will too.

 

Please dont waste anymore of your valuable time on this loser. He is a mooch and has no intentions of ever being anything more.

Do you want to have children, a house, to travel, to buy nice things?? Well none of this will be acheived with him. He will be an anchor around your neck for as long as you let him.

 

And as for the sex...life is too short for bad sex....you are only 21, a girl, you shouldnt have to feel & live like this....I just wish I was there to give you a big hug & help you get away from this jerk!!!! (My Daughter is 21 & you have brought out the Mother in me, sorry)......

[beaton]

Don't let your fear of being alone stop you. Fear is a feeling. Loneliness is a feeling. Both pass.

 

You can't imagine life without him because right now that is all you know. If you leave him, that will be your new reality and it will get easier. You will not only be able to support yourself better financially, but it will let you grow and trust yourself and develop independence. You dont need this guy. You deserve someone who doesn't withold affection from you as punishment, and who is willing to contribute to supporting you both!!!

The bottom line is that you don't share the same goals/wants/needs in life and it is time to part ways.

 

I agree with becoming kate- start saving up to move out. You can have a way better life and find someone more compatible.

[keeptrying]

you've all written everything i thought was the right answer, i hate that i fell in love with him and its become more and more obvious that we will never be happy together. He is a loving person and he does love me dearly but love just isn't enough sometimes. Its not that im afraid i wont find someone else its that i dont know if i'll ever find someone that loves me as much as he loves me, because i really do feel loved by him. I feel like a mean person to leave him, i feel superficial and snobby to expect more from a man but i dont know what else to do, but anyway thank you all so much for your advice!

[becomingkate]

you've all written everything i thought was the right answer, i hate that i fell in love with him and its become more and more obvious that we will never be happy together. He is a loving person and he does love me dearly but love just isn't enough sometimes. Its not that im afraid i wont find someone else its that i dont know if i'll ever find someone that loves me as much as he loves me, because i really do feel loved by him. I feel like a mean person to leave him, i feel superficial and snobby to expect more from a man but i dont know what else to do, but anyway thank you all so much for your advice!

 

Don't feel superficial and snobby to expect him to contribute his half to your life together. Most people have to contribute and it's not something that should be a surprise to him.