Positivity journal

[meoww]

Another way for me to stay strong and positive is to find a way to turn subtle or direct insults/criticism into compliments/finding something positive in the negative.

 

This is like a major brain exercise, too bad none of this burns many calories because I should be really skinny if that was the case.

[meoww]

My bedroom is amazing....I've definitely turned it into a space where I can tune out the world and be still. It's so relaxing.

[meoww]

Since when did I learn to do things in moderation? Thinking moderate thoughts instead of extreme ones definitely changes the way I act. Especially eating/dieting. I haven't really binged in years but the presence of chocolate in the room doesn't drive me into an obsessive weirdo anymore. I didnt realize just how much my mental state affects my cravings. It's not that the food is that tempting in and of itself.

 

I want to stay more hydrated this summer.

 

Style wise I'm almost where I want to be but something is still missing.

 

My bedroom inadvertently follows the rules of feng shui, or something. My bed doesn't line up with any doors in my room, it's not under a window, no plants, and the neutral colors I chose are supposed to promote health. I want this room to be the ultimate nocturnal sanctuary!

[meoww]

Nocturnal sanctuary

Urban oasis

Trains that will take you anywhere

 

Glass clouds beads white breeze

Skin on skin

The milky whites of clear, bright eyes

Music you've never heard before

[meoww]

Have to identify the overarching patterns and cycles in my thoughts and behaviors!!

 

This is going to be hard but it's hopefully going to make me into a person who can actually turn my desires into actions. I just know I need to be a stronger, more proactive, wise person

[meoww]

How far can mental strength and optimism carry you? I guess it doesn't make sense to be any other way.

 

Affirmations for today:

 

Inward peace

Outer energy and cheerfulness

 

I used to really underestimate the value of striving to be better than you currently are. I used to think it was more important to be real. But realness is kind of an illusion, in some ways if you're talking true authenticity you can't even be self aware to have it. So I'm done chasing that for good. I'd rather strive for a positive ideal.

[meoww]

Today I want to have peace in my heart for the whole day. I just want to feel like this day can fulfill everything I have ever wanted. I want to be in control of my emotions, my actions, I want to make decisions that will benefit my health and happiness. I want to make others laugh and enjoy my company. I want to smell calming and relaxing aromas, delicious food, the clean and fresh scent of people I care about, lol I really do. I will live as though I'm already in heaven. Today will be good because my will is strong enough to overcome anything in my way.

[meoww]

I've finally become the kind of person who smiles at people they like instead of not realizing im attracted to someone until like 6 months later or being awkward once I realize it! I love it

 

I really was wired all wrong

I connect to people from a much more positive place now

[meoww]

I'm happiest when I don't feel like I have any enemies. Yet sometimes there are people who just to go out their way to make you feel bad about yourself. I've struggled to figure out how I can deal with these people without eventually breaking down.

 

Undeserved criticism or judgment can feel like a violent attack, but suddenly I realized just how liberated a person can be when you literally just ignore it. It helps to view the situation from an unbiased outsider's perspective.

 

As much as I wouldn't want to thank these difficult people for making me wiser and stronger

I know that being subject to this kind of attack has given me the opportunity to figure out how to build really effective coping mechanisms.

[meoww]

My life is uncluttered both mentally and physically

 

I don't like disorganized spaces full of stuff because I can't relax

Mentally I am getting stronger and stronger at not being affected by "haters" ha

I realized that it's sooo true, when someone is hell bent on painting you in a negative light, if you react to them in any way, negatively or positively, they keep you as their target

 

But if you don't think about them or give them the time of day

Their bark loses most of their bite

Eventually all people see is their hateful and useless whinging

And they either have to change their target or change their attitude

[meoww]

Today I want to be open to receiving love from any and all possible sources. I want to be strong, to be secure in my beliefs, to stand up for what I believe in, to care for my physical and spiritual needs.

 

I want to feel inner peace and more than anything, you know what I want? I want to believe that I'm a good person. If someone wants to tell me I'm not, I just need to remember to ask them, "Why?" and listen carefully to see if there is actually a good reason why they say I'm not. I'm just saying this so that I can remember that my abuser's pitiful handful of allies are not a majority, they are just misinformed and broken people. Sometimes it hurts me more to realize their suffering is greater than mine, which is why they lash out at me, but I have to remember they have the same free will that I have. They serve no purpose in my life and after I type this sentence, I'm not going to give them another thought. Hopefully ever. That would be the greatesr freedom and happiness I have ever known.

[meoww]

Time to shut down my emotional channels and focus on the concrete goals in my life. July 2013, i finally have nothing left to grieve, to say, to let go of, to let out, to be heard. I accept it all.

[meoww]

I love myself so freaking much **･゜ﾟ･* .｡.

 

（＾ω＾）

 

I'm proud of myself because I'm so brave. Especially becausr I try to confront my own shortcomings and failings constantly, these days it's no big deal, I don't have enough of an ego to feel shame when I do something stupid or wrong.

 

I love that I'm beginning to surround myself with people I can relate to from a positive place.

 

I love that harsh words and mean people affect me less and less. I just don't even bother with drama because now I know I actually have the power and choice not to deal with people like that. My whole life it seemed so taboo to be loving and undramatic but I'm brave enough to be my peaceful and laid back self. I do what I want and when I see some others judging others and me, I just see hatred and insecurity most of the time.

 

But more positivity.

I like where my life is going. I think I'm on the right side of things. I want to continue to be critical of my decisions so that I can correct my mistakes before they snowball.

[meoww]

*･゜ﾟ･* .｡.

 

Obsessed with "Birthday" by Selena Gomez. It's just such a dumb song but it is kind of amazing, honestly. Kind of reminds me of Uffie's Pop the glock on steroids mainstream music is so good these days

 

Not sure what to put in here because I'm usually grateful for the same things. Like

[meoww]

Don't want to speak too soon but my skin is glowing! And it's pretty soft.

 

I'm calm instead of super nervous around hot guys

 

Like once a week I can even be funny in a witty way. That almost never happens. If I can just get this ball rolling my social life will be sooo great

 

I'm learning how to block out and push away unwanted thoughts

 

I'm sleeping soooooooo much better and I don't have that many nightmares anymore. That is honestly so weird. It used to be such a huge part of my life.

 

 

Oh my god its like an earthquake. Seriously like the earth is moving. The forgiveness is real! I can focus more on the positive things from past people instead of the past hurts. I'm beginning to remember the things I loved and the people I used to love. Just because not all of them love me back doesnt mean I can't love them a little bit from afar. Not romantic though srs.

[meoww]

I don't feel threatened by other people's success

 

I feel like I'm trying to find this balance between selling myself and just organically pursuing my goals and showing my honest character

 

I actually have wisdom from experience instead of bitterness.

 

I can enjoy a wide range of activities and people

 

I don't become suspicious of or repelled by ideas, experiences or people I am attracted to or intrigued by

 

I don't feel afraid to think about difficult periods of my life

 

I feel connected to people and not afraid of some healthy intimacy, disclosure and support every once in a while

 

I feel like I could be a legit authority figure someday, whatever that means

 

I feel more lovable as a person

 

I'm consciously working on not trying to seem awkward instead of being all quirky and extroverted no matter how bad of an impression I make

 

I don't accidentally incriminate myself or make myself look worse

 

I can express myself clearly and in a way that helps people really understand me

 

i feel like inside I'm like living in like an alpine christmas village or something lol that only makes sense to me. Like night skiing in a resort town after everyone has left and it's just so nice

 

I don't feel afraid to think about difficult periods of my life

[meoww]

These days, I generally don't feel slighted or offended if someone doubts my competence. I try to work that out by showing my strengths over time and having a game plan to tailor to the specific situation.

 

That is the like the most mature thought I have ever had gagaha. I hope it's normal to be having this epiphany now!

[meoww]

Happy thoughts

 

Fall is my fav

New salad store is life

I give solid hugs

Have been winning at board games a lot

So much good music right now

My short memory is really good

Haven't been losing things lately, except when I almost left my phone and wallet on a bench but luckily someone pointed that out

Halloween, pumpkins, and everything basically

My tongue is never coated, a friend pointed that out to me years ago

I like the color of my gums

My feet don't smell (never have thankfully)

Green, maroon, look great on me

I have suddenly really learned how to dress both cute and acceptable to most even soccer moms

My hair color compliments my eyes and brings them out more

[meoww]

I feel really calm the majority of the time these days. Experiencing peace of mind for the first time I often mistook it for numbness and a sense that everything unique about me had been stripped away. For about 4 years I felt like my insides were on fire a lot of time. Things are changing in a big way though, naturally, this time. Instead of forcing myself through the healing process I'm forcing myself to be a healthier person. The difference is that I'm already me, instead of trying to create a me. I'm ready to put the past behind me.

 

Wow. That's really powerful! I mean it too. Before I would feel so anxious letting go, like it wasn't fair to me. Not to mention I went through a period of 3 years feeling like there was literally another me inside me, a murdered 5 or 6 year old, who would often had more control over me than I did. I honestly was terrified of her while feeling the utmost compassion for her at the same and I begged her to give me peace for 3 years. She is very real to me, I think I honestly believe she's real. But where did she go then? Did I lose my damn mind for 3 years?

 

In my journals I used to try to write the way I wanted to feel, then I realized I had to give that up, so I started to write about the fear and pain I really felt. Now I don't have so much pain to share and I'm so glad I have these journals to look back on. It's the only record I could maintain of my life when things were so tough. I've said it many times before but every time I come back I'm always surprised by how much more peaceful I usually seem in my writing.

[meoww]

2015 happy thoughts

 

I don't want anything really!! I'm satisfied with what I have in a general sense. There's really only so much you can have whether you're funding a private rocket to the moon or working your first job. These days everything is pretty darn comfortable and I'm so happy for humanity as a whole.

 

I think I trust people now. Now I get that trust doesn't have to be this epic thing.

 

 

I really don't have as many nightmares, I had to qualify my statement because I had 3 last Tuesday but that was because my mother triggered me.

My muscles are starting to relax again.

 

People in generally honestly seem more relaxed, but is that because I am?

[meoww]

I fixed my nail side walls and I finally feel like I have naturally pretty nails.

 

I've discovered more music I haven't listened to. More movies too.

 

I'm more aware of my surroundings.

 

I have a more positive outlook in general without going overboard.

 

I'm getting slightly more productive.

 

In a worst case scenario, I don't need anything (except my phone) to be truly happy. Which I consider a good thing.