Positivity journal

[meoww]

I'm not wrong for wanting what I want. I don't need to judge others for having a different idea of what they want.

 

I'm allowed to do what I want. I'm allowed to enjoy what I enjoy. I'm allowed to seek happiness where I seek it.

I'm allowed to keep changing and growing.

I'm allowed to make decisions without constantly questioning myself

[meoww]

This one is also important

I want to kill that voice in my head and that fear in my body that is always anticipating punishment for the good things I do.

 

My mother is not here, she can't hurt me and she isn't going to find out my every move and come punish me for it. She will never hurt me again and most importantly she will never have control over the decisions I make in my life ever again.

 

Her life, her decision to become an abuser is between her and her god. Now I see why people say it isn't necessary to understand your abuser. If she has baggage, she can deal with it herself. She is not my responsibility, she cut herself off from me the minute she became abusive and unrepentant.

[meoww]

Ok good. I feel like I'm shedding my skin like when joe does in Angels in America. He stops being a Mormon

Because his upbringing denies who he is really is

And he wants to be free to love Louis

So he says he has no past now

Even though they both know that isn't necessarily true. It is a symbolic gesture even though the physical reality might remain the same.

 

I always thought he looked very weak and pathetic in that moment though.

Because he is so quick to drop everything for a boyfriend

But sometimes that is really how it goes

That is what gives you the courage

Or the motivation to change

Sometimes that's the only thing if you are a certain kind of person. I might be one of those

[meoww]

So anyway...

I shed my old costume, spiritually, physically, and now mentally I'm becoming a new person.

 

I need to shed old fears because they don't fit the new me. The new me doesn't have to be afraid.

 

I can just be okay. Everything is okay, I don't have to think anymore.

She can't come after me, she can't hurt me, I have dirt on her, should she try, my biological mother is no longer a threat to my existence.

[meoww]

One last thing, I want to entrust god or a higher power to deal with my biological mother's/the mentally unstable female who may have birthed me despite the seeming impossibilty's guilt.

 

I am not emotionally capable of holding my legitimate anger. So I will give my rage to god, who will do a much better job with it than I ever could.

 

I give god the responsibility of dealing with her and her problems.

 

Any problems I have with her or the people connected to this ordeal, I entrust to god.

 

And of course in return I will fulfill my responsibility to move on and stop contributing to hate in this world.

 

I just can't take it anymore.

I'm saying good bye to my anger. It has been holding me hostage for as long as I can remember.

I can see what life without it could finally be.

Rest in peace my anger

1997-2013

It's weird to be releasing myself from my own self

It's a hard thing to do

No one ever really wants to lose a part of themself

But for me it is the most positive thing I can do for myself right now.

 

Spring cleaning of the soul complete!!

[meoww]

Identified a trigger that should really aid me in overcoming my anger and inability to forgive. Certain personality traits, like stubbornness, kind of activate a victim response in me. I grew up in an environment where my biological parents were stubborn to a surreal, strange, and almost unbelievable degree. Because my biological parents were so controlling to the point that when i was a just little girl, if they didnt like a comment I made about the weather being rainy in their home state, or if I said a certain kind of food tasted delicious that they didnt like, they would either throw a tantrum or ignore me for days, for example, I started to become way too sensitive about the judgment of other people.

 

I gravitate toward people who are also stubborn in similar ways, who get easily offended by difference of opinion. People who instead of knowing what their insecurities are, project their unhappiness onto other people and demonize to some extent the people who might have things they want, or are different from them.

 

This belongs in my positivity journal because I think I know how to let go of a lot of that anger when I recognize how I have been conditioned to overcompensate for people who tend to have this flaw. I don't need to mother them or play counselor or play the guilty kid who would do anything for their mother or father's forgiveness.

 

It can be really hurtful to judged negatively when I don't deserve it, and obviously it is often a demonstration of power.

 

It says, no matter you do, I will continue to try to make you feel unwanted. That is a very hurtful thing to do to someone. Can't say I'm not guilty of this myself, even though I've never done it out of a malicious intent, but hey I shouldn't act like that either. i can say or that I feel others have done it to me with far more self awareness. It's really like they are trying to punish me for some kind of issue they have inside, when it goes on for a prolonged period of time without explanation.

[meoww]

Now that I've been able to put into words what makes me feel like a scared victim, and what triggers feelings of abandonment and unnecessary persecution, I hope I can find it in my heart to forgive everybody.

 

So the first level of forgiveness is here:

 

I have only had this particular interpersonal trauma with people from childhood or who are connected to my parents.

 

I forgive those who lack the courage to change their opinion of me and acknowledge that their judgement of me as a bad person unable to take responsibility for their actions was completely wrong and false. But I guess it makes sense, even if I act like the nice person that I am around my abusive parent's friends aka enablers, they have an investment in keeping the fantasy of me as the villian alive. My healing process and how hard that was for me, and how passive I was up until that point means nothing to them. Even the fact that they have seen me do great things in the past, even before I started the healing process 3 years ago doesn't do anything to jog their memory that I have consistently been a good person and full of love for other people. They only want to see the person I was for only 2 and a half years, who was such a wreck when she realized how bad the abuse actually was. The quiet person who wanted nothing more than to get out. This was the girl who was such a bad apple, see we always knew she'd end up like this because she thinks she's better than everyone. But when it suited their purpose, I'm sure they would gossip about how insecure I was. It's like damn, keep your story straight. So yeah, I wonder how much longer they can cling to their bad apple story when I am clearly rising above it in such a graceful and genuinely positive way.

 

Man that was a lucky break!!

Figuring out by accident how to have composure despite the atrocities committed against me.

Now I really am so much more protected

Even if I get targeted again for character assassination, it won't affect me inside and I know how to fight back in a totally diplomatic way.

[meoww]

As long as I know what triggers me into feeling like a vulnerable victim, I will have the ability to change my response both inside and out.

 

I don't have to be so scared that I am going to get into unbalanced power dynamics over and over again. Life is often a big powers lay but knowing that at least I can protect myself a little more.

[meoww]

I don't want my positivity journal to get hijacked by emotional trauma.

 

Today, I am going to pretend to be someone else for a change. I notice this helps me get through the day without thinking about negative things. For some reason I want to be Liz Gillies lately. She just seems like a really strong, kind of out there, but unique and awesome person. So as an exercise in positivity, I'm going to get through things by trying to act the way she would act. I'm so lame!! hopefully no one reads this.

[meoww]

I want to be guided by

 

Composure

Clarity

and Calm

 

There are only a few more days of the April challenge left. I keep saying it but I have to forgive and leave it all in the past. My life really depends on it. I think it is the final self destructive tendency I really need to overcome. My mind is going blank again, which is good. I just need to get in the habit of not returning to old wounds and ripping them open again. I'm not broken beyond repair. I'm not a horrible person for having a healthy level of self esteem and love for myself and optimism. It's okay. I'm a nice person and that's totally fine. I'm a good person and I deserve to relax and live in the moment.

 

I have the right to be alive and to be happy.

Be strong!!

[meoww]

Sometimes, most of the time, and all of the time, it is okay to be just be.

[meoww]

Things that are making me happy today

 

1. losing 3 pounds without trying very hard

2. The gentle rain and cool but warmish weather

3. Cheetos

4. My outfit kind of matches

5. My side bangs dried perfectly

6. Upcoming vacation in 2 days

7. Being a strong person

8. Thisclose to moving on from the past

[meoww]

I'm lucky because I get to be whoever I want.

 

That is perhaps the only silver lining to growing up in an abusive household.

 

When you go through the healing process, you pretty much have to throw out the ideology that you grew up with. Normal parents don't necessarily give you that luxury, especially if you look up to them or like who they are. Sometimes I see people unnecessarily trapped by that and I'm somewhat grateful not to be burdened in that way.

 

So i threw out all the negative things they 'taught' me and addressed the skills they didnt, and I decided no one was ever going to make me feel worthless ever again.

 

It doesn't always work but my days are so much easier.

[meoww]

I wish everything could remain this way. I'm spending my days enjoying most of my interactions with others, paying attention to my needs, being optimistic,

 

If this is normal, I could get used to this.

 

The difference between this and abuse is so absolutely stark

There are so many things that could take it all away from me, like an accident or disease

 

I just want like

 

3 years to be happy

That would totally be enough time to do all the things I want to do.

[meoww]

Soooooooon!!!!

I just have to get through one more day until my vacay.

 

Just have to keep repeating, "forgiveness" as my mantra

 

It is kind of working.

[meoww]

Soooooooon!!!!

I just have to get through one more day until my vacay.

 

Just have to keep repeating "forgiveness" as my mantra

 

Before the feelings turn into words that make it hard to forget

I have to push those emotions down before it gets to that point.

 

It is kind of working.

[meoww]

Today will be a good day. I just have to stay positive and not think very much.

[meoww]

My rights:

These are my rights that no one can or should take away from me under any circumstances.

 

1. The right to love myself

2. The right to love others

3. The right to be free

4. The right to be happy

5. The right to think for myself

6. The right to shelter, healthy food, and a clean environment (the scariest thing my abuser tried to take away from me)

7. The right to equality in all circumstances

8. The right to live

9. The right to purse my dreams whatever they may be

10. The right to dignity

11. The right to live in peace and harmony

12. The right to resolve conflict

13. The right to the truth

14. The right to feel pain (I almost forgot this and it's huge! Another right that toxic people will try to deny you)

 

And this can be a good framework to view all relationships in. If anyone denies me my basic rights, I don't have to let them into my heart.

[meoww]

Last day of April soon approaching. I met my deadline somehow! I was writhing in pain for days trying to fight the anger but a calm has come over me. I'm at peace with that part of my journey.

 

The one other thing I promised myself I would do is overcome my anxiety.

 

Now I have to do a few things to get there.

 

1. Meditate

2. Breathe slowly

3. Stay well hydrated, eat nutritious food

4. Don't dwell on anything future, past or present

5. Let my emotions pass through me

6. Just relax

[meoww]

Unprecedented:

 

Letting go of my anxiety will be a milestone that is completely unprecedented in my life.

 

Even though this is all completely new territory for me, loving myself, enjoying life and finding inner peace and strength, I have never been free of the tortuous daily pain that is anxiety.

[meoww]

I feel really positive about this choice and I know I can overcome this obstacle.

 

Here's my pledge:

 

I'm committed to living a life free from anxiety.

 

This means that I'll have so much extra energy and time to direct to making my life happier.

 

I can do this.

I deserve the best.

 

I can't change the past, the present or the future. Everything is always the just way that it is.

 

I deserve to enjoy every minute of my life from now on, no matter what the circumstances are.

 

My two goals were forgiveness and letting go of my anxiety.

I reached both goals because I'm ready, the timing was right and I know how to set goals that I can reach and be proud of.

 

I'm proud of myself for the hardwork I accomplished this week!

 

Everyday I take so many steps towards being an empowered, happy, progressive amazing woman. I'm proud of who I am and who I'm becoming.

[meoww]

I'm proud of myself.

I love who I am.

Things are good.

[meoww]

Next step, going to bed at the same time every night, getting to bed a little earlier, even though I usually do okay with this these days.

 

Have a routine that is relaxing and healthy. For morning and night.

[meoww]

If I have kids someday, I'm totally going to put up my little bill of rights up on the fridge or something and tell them that if I ever violate their personal human rights, they are free to call me out on it. It's really exciting to think of being part of a peaceful movement of people who want the world to be free of a lot of the pain that I feel is passed down in families, friendships, and other social interactions. It is just such a good feeling going with what I feel is right in my heart.

[meoww]

Things that me make me happy

 

Mountains