Positivity journal

[meoww]

Inner peace isn't everything but it's the foundation for everything else

[meoww]

The less I judge others the happier I am. The less my old views make sense, too. Sometimes it can be a bit disappointing to realize that because I'm so chill, it actually makes me a bit distant. Sometimes I don't speak up when people say things that are discriminatory about others, for example.

 

I hope I don't become frigid. I'm so content and vanilla. I don't want to go in the other extreme but the more stoic and closed off I become emotionally, the more I seem to want to stay this way.

[meoww]

If my dreams could come true, I'd grow out my hair to my waist, be young forever, abandon any interest in politics in the cheesy way it's done today and instead politicians would be more like the men on game of thrones lol. People would be way less fake. I'd only wear things that make me feel absolutely beautiful whether they are tomboyish casual clothes or bright dresses. Sometimes I'd be blonde if I felt like it.

 

Everyone would be confident and love themselves, and of course everyone would be beautiful

 

Charities would not exist, no one would get off on being a powerful sponsor etc. No one would be poor.

 

There would be no hierarchy even if there was difference.

 

I'd be athletic.

[meoww]

But most of this stuff I could do already...so it's pretty much all there in front of me.

 

I might not have any true talents the way I wish I did but I definitely think I'm starting to live my dream.

[meoww]

Time to live my dream......

[meoww]

I enjoy socializing but I think that if I had to choose between hanging out with people I like but don't click with that well with or don't have a lot in common with and spending the night alone, if rather be alone. I really like embracing my solitude!

[meoww]

I want to find more friends who share my values. I have never been strong enough to look for friends who are more similar to me. It feels good!

 

I recently realized I don't like drinking much, just because of how it makes me physically feel kind of sick and gives me a headache. So instead of forcing myself to go out and drink for the sake of socializing, I'm going to try to find friends who either feel the same way or structure my social life around day time activities instead of night time ones.

[meoww]

My real self:

 

Likes to go to bed early and get up early.

 

Likes to eat healthy and good food, is somewhat picky about that.

 

Likes to be comfortable at all times. (Nice surroundings, pleasant people, etc.)

 

Very type a perfectionist (but not close minded or typical when it comes to conventional social mores)

 

Likes to have projects, a purpose

 

Likes to tell it like it is. This isn't something I'm proud of, I just realized that's just who I am. I don't like people who are over the top unaware of their own flaws and I expect people to take a basic amount of responsibility for themselves. That's a big one

 

Vs

 

Tolerating lack of energy or lack of curiosity most of all

Lack of desire for improvement and change

 

I'm just going to move away from environments and people who are like this, that's easy to do.

 

I feel a lot of confusion leaving me

[meoww]

I finally feel like I have a game plan and like I accept myself in the world as it appears today. I feel like I'm figuring out how to maneuver so that I can get the results I personally want and accept the consequences of my decisions. Such a bitter sweet journey but I have to remember not to look back with rose colored glasses. It's not like I was perfect and became corrupted. I was a somewhat smart girl with good instincts that became corrupted. That's all. At least my purpose and goals are becoming clearer as I try new things and figure what works for me and what doesn't. No need to judge anyone else's experiences, especially when I'm always learning from others. I have my path and others have theirs.

[meoww]

My path used to scare me for a lot of reasons. Even something as small as not really drinking, I don't know many who don't drink, arent religious and still have a normal, typical social life and yet that's what I want pretty much. I don't need to drink to get crazy or sexual or just be social.

[meoww]

Positive changes for June

 

I'm making the smallest bit of progress when it comes to being socially awkward. It's a lot easier when I study what other people say and I'm not angry from my PTSD all the time.

 

I'm clear about saying no and I definitely try not to make promises I can't keep or take on more than I can handle.

 

I'm able to think beyond the black and white and this maturity is deepening every day.

 

I trust myself and I make my own choices

[meoww]

I feel so much less angry when I am allowed or allow myself to make my own mistakes instead of copying others. Before, I'd build up a lot of resentment mirroring my friend's attitudes or behaviors I didn't agree with. And since my mother's controlling behavior also caused me to be self destructive, I held a lot of resentment toward her.

 

Now since do what I want it is a lot easier to accept the consequences for a bad decision!!!!

 

God what an amazing difference. Consequences of your own bad mistakes are so much more bearable. And I feel like I actually learn from my mistakes instead of seething with anger for following someone's bad advice that I didn't trust from day one.

[meoww]

Affirmations:

 

My spirit has integrity.

 

I feel like I have grace.

 

I know how to fulfill myself.

 

I treat others (who are not part of my trauma) with forgiveness. Because it is a lot easier not to build resentment, then to try to break it down after it has already solidified.

 

I'm finally at that place where I'm not as confused about what my true self wants. My false self isn't taking over and taking everything away from me.

 

I'm so strong that nothing could break me now, except watching my body age or waste away in disease. That's my one true terror.

[meoww]

Ok this is not super positive but I'm going to put this here.

 

To my false self:

 

You are my mother, you are the enemy. I don't feel sorry for you. I despise you, and the decisions you made for me. I'm banishing you from my body.

 

False self. You are pathological narcissism, twisted sickness, anger, antisocial, megalomania

 

You tried to make me miserable for the rest of my life, throw away all of my positive qualities, rape myself on men I couldn't stand, cower with fear, make me feel disgust and contempt at the good things in life, and embrace everything that is evil and dark.

 

That's why I don't feel sorry for you. You're like a demon child with glowing red eyes. I don't give a what you went through.

 

Seriously

As you were, you were a wretched waste of space.

 

You are not me.

I'm a good person and I'm nothing like you. So don't you dare get in my head and try to trick me into feeling sorry for you.

 

I don't feel sorry for you.

You're not me and I don't have to feel bad rejecting you because you're not me. You're a sickness I'm casting out.

 

Go back inside my demon mother where you belong. I don't feel sorry for you.

 

You're evil and if you are like hot fire, then I can extinguish you.

Then you'll really be gone forever. Then I can pretend you never existed.

[meoww]

Smell is really crucial to happiness. I used to be really into food, and I still am, but I think smell and touch are becoming more important to my sense of well being.

[meoww]

I think I'm realizing that there are many ways to go down the rabbit hole. It takes a lot of strength to maintain your mental health.

[meoww]

When I find myself defending any belief or action strongly or rigidly, it's clear to me I'm relating to it from a place of instability, insecurity or fear.

 

I don't know why it's impossible for me to nip my denial about certain things in the bud. Shame has a lot to do with it, as does the desire not to let myself down.

 

But today I admitted something to myself and I realized I was holding toxic baggage by defending some of my worst mistakes.

 

There may be a silver lining to every cloud, but that's life. That doesn't mean I shouldn't try harder to make things go the way I want or avoid certain people or situations. It's not good to scar yourself beyond recognition for the satisfaction of putting yourself back together again. How this wasn't clear to me is weird but I guess it makes sense given that I have battled low self esteem and a deep loss of hope.

[meoww]

When I find the courage to confront my real denial about the bad decisions I've made and defend the most, my sense of control over my own life is returned to me.

 

Instead of feeling cursed, I feel blessed.

 

Even if I can't change a thing about the past, today is easier, and tomorrow is hopefully exactly where I want to be headed.

 

Sometimes it's good to plunder the depths of despair to realize what your limits are, to realize that your own choices really do affect your success and happiness, to realize the importance of self control.

[meoww]

I used to think self control was simply a tool for the weak, nothing more. But now I realize how it can benefit my life. I'm so stupid sometimes.

 

I didn't realize that self control can come from within, not be imposed by your so called values that you inherit from those with control and power over you, like role models and parents.

 

I didn't even know it didn't have to be a false sense of bravado or gravitas.

 

I didn't know how nonchalant it could be, or how good it feels to do what is healthy.

[meoww]

More progress:

 

Instead of feeling stoic/numb and feeling like the intensity and drama from my life is gone, like I have for a few months, I feel like I can enjoy things in a more meaningful, seasoned way. I'm not a nervous hummingbird or occasional raging beast, and I'm not this lost child who is constantly (and literally) peeking into other people's windows trying to figure out how to live the way normal people do.

 

I mean how sad and pathetic that the concept of moderation, modesty, and quiet fulfillment was so foreign to me until like a few months ago, my accidental journey into the way the minds of healthier people think is finally yielding this perfectly ripe fruit.

 

Just in time for summer too. Finally I feel like summer breezes mean something to me again and I feel a long lost familiar feeling of comfort, magic and nostalgia coming back to me after 2 and a half terrifying and lonely years.

 

The physical exhaustion hasn't lifted

But my mind isn't weary anymore. I feel nimble, but not like I'm constantly on alert. Every time I think I've reached the promised land of fulfillment I realized I've missed something so I know I'm not there yet. But it's like I'm exploring past the garden gates now. I've come inside and now I get to know a new world.

[meoww]

I want to find a way to turn my weaknesses into strengths. I noticed that I've slowly been doing that in some ways. Instead of my work ethic and energy going to other people's needs, I've learned how to focus on my own and make things happen for me.

 

Now I want to do it with other things.

[meoww]

The power of suggestion used to be one of my most devastating weaknesses. Because of my PTSD, and how I was conditioned, my brain would pretty much only process negative comments, advice and criticism. So I'd take bad career advice, bad style advice, let criticism of all kinds, minor and major, true and not true, just repeat itself in my head over and over and it had such an effect on my self esteem. I was second guessing myself like most of the time, but I didn't even realize it. I always thought I was doing exactly what I wanted, but somehow I was unhappy and I couldn't figure out why. I could figure out why I seemed like a half human shadow and most everyone else actually seemed real.

 

So many people could influence everything from the length of my hair to what I studied in school.

 

I used to be very easily undermined by

 

The power of no

 

Pining.

[meoww]

Everything in my brain seemed to be wired backwards, like danger mean safety and good was bad.

[meoww]

I don't pine anymore. I have so much to say about this but I don't feel like writing it all down.

[meoww]

I feel like almost all people could benefit from rethinking and restructuring their trauma bonds.

But who knows...maybe my perception that a lot of trauma bonds are normalized is wrong.

 

For me though, getting the heart of my trauma bonds has basically made 80% of the pain in my life go away. But I was at a critical point.

 

I just wish I knew what a "normal" level of pain or trauma was.

Then I could know if it was true that every individual must embark on an excruciating journey to peace of mind.