Positivity journal

[meoww]

That's another thing, doing the stuff I professed to hate is making me much more fulfilled and the broader my perspective becomes the more I see the flaws in the kind of underdeveloped way I used to think...so sad but good

[meoww]

May is going to be about being my best self.

 

I already had two successes in terms of truly resisting the ingrained urges I have. That is seriously amazing to me because I almost always succumb to my most unproductive instincts, or the ones that perpetuate more suffering for me.

 

I mean, not so much in the last 2 years of my healing process. I don't want to sound like I'm judging myself because I know that my trauma wasn't my fault

 

But I'm just trying to

[meoww]

To take charge of my decisions now that I'm finally healthy enough to be proactive and no longer devoted to licking my wounds. (they have finally healed!)

 

But some of the same issues continue to haunt me in a shadowy, residual way.

 

Got to keep focused

[meoww]

So ultimately in May the most positive thing I can do is stay focused on limiting/eliminating triggers.

 

I can't cycle back into the same emotions over and over again. Even if I've deal with my issues

 

I know I've established a habit of my mind wandering to my triggers during my alone time

 

This is my new life...I've already seen how much my beliefs become my reality

 

I know how much is at stake

And how important it is to truly change

[meoww]

I want to really be a changed person, instead of constantly struggling to play my new roles. I want my new identity to truly become part of me. No more excusing the present because of the past. I don't mean this in a negative self blaming way though

I mean it in the most positive loving way

 

I love myself enough that my new identity doesn't need the past to explain away the present

 

And I can take who I am for face value. I am who am

I'm not a damaged person because that implies I'm worse off than others and I'm not. I'm just me and I'm proud of that.

 

This month I'm going to be the new me, rather trying to be.

[meoww]

Slowly it seemed like my faded world became saturated with color. Rather than a colorless canvas being filled in, it seemed like I would walk through a filter, pass over into a new world and never look back. Each filter would add a new depth and richness to my sight and experience. My sight now seems to match the vibrancy that the crispest, clearest images good cameras depict today.

 

So now, in the vibrant world I currently inhabit, there aren't anymore paradigm changes (for now). But something changes in the air, with a song, perfume, formless richness is the next dimension I have to add and continue to add to my life.

 

I could almost see a ripple traveling through the fabric of my vision. A substance with properties like water and air at the same time. Now the ripples aren't colored, but literally within the seams of my perception.

[meoww]

One thing that would make my life a lot more positive is finding a way to deal with my fear of obsolescence. I often worry about how since things change so fast, anything I enjoy in the moment couldn't possibly be worth it. I'm always looking for the next big thing, and then I either feel behind or get bored really quickly when I am too on top of trends and changes.

 

I didn't use to feel this way until somewhat recently.

 

I'm realizing I can't always rely on other people to tell me what I like. Or more importantly, I really can't base my identity in the music I listen to, the clothes I wear, the books I read...that stuff almost seems arbitrary and way too dependent on value systems and whatever era you live in. At the end of the day there is no me there.

 

It's just weird though because on the other hand I honestly love the world today. But it's not such a good feeling when I feel like a replaceable little robot. I like being spoon fed culture but what happens when I get older? I'm not going to fit in...

 

So I'm not sure what I should do.

High culture tries to combat aging by trying to make tradition and refinement attractive. So it seems like I'll have to somewhat take that route...But that feels so self defeating and insincere. and boring, frankly. But people make fun of Madonna for looking like a reanimated corpse.

 

Or I could be one of those bland adults that are trendy but not too much

Like Jessica alba in keeping with the celeb analogies

 

Like be a perfect lil wife.

Sigh. But not I guess that's not so bad! It sounds pretty easy at least.

But oh so meaningless...

 

I know I have to wear several different hats in my life, to be happy, even if they are contradictory ones.

[meoww]

It feels a little strange planning out my identity so explicitly but I think this is what I have come up with:

 

I'd like my core identity to be palatable, feminine, modern and mature. I want to be calm but energized.

 

But there is part of me that is open minded, socially belligerent, juvenile, nerdy, eager, artistic, assertive, a risk taker, a thinker, provocative, dark, right?

 

Even if I seem to be losing that rapidly...

 

My calm is obliterating my old traits! I don't know what to make of that.

 

It's like healing from the trauma and having this journal killed my old self. I feel fine with that, except that I feel like I totally lack integrity.

 

My angsty self would be very disappointed in me acting like a limp noodle in a big bowl of other noodles just like me. lol

 

But I don't even have any vitriol against her, it's just like, meh. Indie and rock just sounds like the dying wail of an aging white guy's balls now. Like it's just too monocultural to be that important. That alone is enough to kill the old me...The future is inclusive and international, IMO.

 

But who knows maybe I'm just a different kind of sheep now.

 

The different is in how I feel

I feel empowered instead of anxious

I feel hopeful instead of downtrodden

And I feel motivated instead of smug lol

[meoww]

The world would be a better place without:

 

Smugness

Discrimination (not just the racial kind)

Hierarchy

Class

The concept of blood family (in it's most clannish form)

War

Nationalism in its most exclusionary form

Revenge

Selfishness

Lying

Violence

Hypocrisy

Disdain

Shame

Bullying

 

I should keep these in mind so I don't accidentally become what I claim to despise.

[meoww]

Things I want to have

 

A personal sense of integrity. One that I don't need validated anywhere. But maybe this just isn't possible, because we need more and more affirmation from the outside world that we matter the older we get. Until old age anyway.

 

Boo! This sounds very negative.

 

That's the problem with tragedy

It forces you to confront all the beliefs you hold out of sheer convenience.

 

I've been forced to consider things I normally wouldn't have given a second thought about

 

So I wonder if this is a worse, better, pretty much equal position to be in.

 

Suffer in my ignorance

Or suffer in my emerging awareness?

 

I think it's actually better to be less ignorant

Because just because you don't know that you suffer doesn't mean you don't suffer

Ignorance isn't bliss at all after all is it now? Booyah

[meoww]

I'm going to try something

 

Something really scary for me personally.

 

I'm going to stop being cynical for a while.

 

Is it possible for me to swallow my pride and do that?

 

I want to have no ego at all about this

 

And see what will happen

 

Or even better

Just empty my head all together

Of any kind of cynicism period

 

The kind that stems from having journals where you sit around thinking too much

[meoww]

This is just an experiment

But I'm going to try it

I'm writing this down in case I get too caught up in it and completely forget who I am

 

I'm just going to assume

That there is no such thing as being deep (that was the only way I could think to phrase that lol)

 

That there is nothing beyond what there just is now

 

I'm just going to revel in the cliches for a while

 

Give the typical responses to things

Not even think much really

Just do what I assume is expected of me

 

Just be pure life

None of this mental stuff

 

I'm going to put my life into what's out there

 

Instead of what's in here

 

And just not even question the status quo even in my head

 

I just feel like enjoying my life for a while

 

If it doesn't work I'll just go back to how I am now

 

But I have a feeling I won't!

[meoww]

Positive notes

 

No more racing thoughts! It's such a weird feeling because that has been a part of my identity for so long. I honestly could never imagine who I could be without all my racing negative thoughts, anxiety, and constant feelings of guilt, fear, and shame.

[meoww]

My life is getting less complicated. I'm finding it sooooooo much easier to assert myself clearly and diplomatically. I don't get mixed up with toxic people. I am keeping healthy boundaries. I'm mostly positive. I catch my negative thoughts and try to change them in the moment. I try to see the good in people instead of focusing on what bothers me about them.

 

I'm beginning to not be so sensitive to criticism, especially undeserved criticism. I don't let it get in my head and make me feel horrible about myself constantly. This is the best part, I'm not constantly tormented by perceived hurts anymore.

 

I'm responsible for my own happiness and take action instead of passively waiting for someone to care for me.

[meoww]

It's working

Even the overthinking and needless pondering is starting to dissipate.

 

So much so that I can barely be bothered to say this in here.

 

On to the next chapter of my life where I am actually living and not just narrating.

 

Both are essential but right now I need to just live, make up for all that lost time!! It's so important!

[meoww]

Sometimes I wonder if it would have been possible to skip all of the transitions and steps I went through if I would have just been able to say, I just want to be normal.

 

But if a brain injury caused by verbal abuse has real physical/psychological effects maybe it was a necessary part of the process, like creating a scab so that I could eventually reveal my new self underneath.

[meoww]

I'm finding it easier and easier to take responsibility for the hardest things, even the burdens I have to carry that aren't even my fault. When I do that, it's no longer a burden or necessarily even part of me.

 

It's so true that when you allow any person or situation to get the best of you, you are the one who ends up losing precious time you can never get back.

 

When confronted with an obstacle, I assume I can either get through it or do at least a little something to change the course of things.

 

I used to get really down and feel like I was cursed to suffer and somehow it did seem like a self fulfilling prophecy.

 

Now it seems like almost any burden can be a temporary thing

 

I just have to outsmart it, stay calm, and not let it get to me.

 

The things I used to think defined me

 

Like my family

 

No longer do....

 

I realized I can't allow myself to suffer for the rest of my life just because I had bad luck in that department

 

I deserve to be happy and to pursue my dreams just like anyone else.

 

And I deserve to live the life I would have chosen for myself

[meoww]

I'm trying to live the life I would chose for myself if nothing was holding me back.

 

I'm happiest when I'm embracing the future and all the promise and beauty it holds.

[meoww]

June 6th is kind of like the devils day lol

 

Because it the sixth day of the sixth month of the year 2013, if you add all the digits it adds up to 6 as well.

 

The air was warm and wet today and I definitely felt like something different was in the air, but in a good way.

 

In the same way that 13 is my lucky number I feel like 666 is kind of lucky for me too.

 

I'm so insane!

But when I notice these things it's always interesting

[meoww]

Good things that are happening now:

 

I'm not addicted to sugar anymore

 

My thinking is about 10000000 times less black and white

 

I'm losing weight in a steady, healthier way

 

I don't have racing thoughts, overpowering secret rages, I've stopped feeling like I'm going to burst, not seeking many absolute truths

 

I wake up refreshed most of the time, instead of really tired

 

I have energy to do stuff during the day!!!

Finally this happened

I was soooo exhausted before but I'm getting more energized everyday

[meoww]

I don't know what happened but I'm just so internally relaxed these days.

 

I feel like I'm starting to know what it is like to have a healthy sense of self worth.

 

It is really affecting my decision making on every level.

 

I still have to remind myself not to slip into cynicism, fear, and insecurity though.

[meoww]

Every day seems so gentle and luxurious. Obviously, I'm aware that there are always threats to my individual safety and security,

 

But when I feel like a strong person, I feel like I have so much to be grateful for. There isn't too much more I really want in life, even now.

 

I still can't get past the nagging doubt that it's too late somehow though to make the adjustments I want to make in my life.

[meoww]

I'm feeling so stoic.

 

But it freaks me out to think about how much other people keep their cool, because it is something I have only started to do recently.

 

The more I work on myself, having this genuine foundation of wisdom, the easier it gets to control unwanted emotions, feelings, and impulses.

 

My self control muscle is definitely getting stronger.

[meoww]

Habits of mind are so powerful. I felt like a different person in March even though that was only 3 months ago.

 

I used to be really susceptible to other people's manipulations, but now I think almost no one could aggravate me unless I was totally caught off guard.

 

I had a terrible Wednesday but I managed not to self destruct or make my tunnel vision worse like I would usually want to! I felt like I handled myself pretty well, even though it wasn't like I was perfect. I managed to keep my emotions inside rather than having it completely take over how I saw the world.

 

I even look so much healthier now. That might have to do with the season and the weather but maybe it's because of how I'm changing.

[meoww]

It's much easier to change who you are if you know who you are to begin with.