Positivity journal

[meoww]

going on adventures, seeing new things

meeting nice people

anything that is beautiful

the future, the past and the present

[meoww]

surprises--surprises are so awesome because you really can't anticipate them.

 

being healthy and not injured/deformed--as long as I'm healthy I really can pretty much do anything. I appreciate that so much. I could probably mention this one like every day.

 

tranquil places in nature--I had almost forgotten why that used to be so important to me

[meoww]

People who are proud of who they are make me happy, especially when you meet people from totally different places and countries with completely different experiences but somehow it all kind of makes sense. It's nice to see more and more people celebrating who they are. I feel really happy when I think about that and so excited that I have so many more years to live and learn about that. Corny but I really do value how much diversity there is in the world, especially when I let go of how I personally feel suffocated by having to identify as this 'american' girl who has to live a certain kind of life, because I just don't think like that, despite how much I care about other people who might live with a mindset I would be really unhappy living by.

 

ahhh I just feel SO excited...like there is so much I want to do in life when I really can trust in the good things about life. But it just seems like hard to find the time to do all those things and work full time and have a career. and deal with everything that goes on. but this is my positivity journal because I want a good balance of the negative and the positive.

 

I love coming out of the shower and having my nails be really clean. I don't get how my nails get so dirrtay so easily, no one else's nails look like mine.

[meoww]

More notes on today

 

Today will be a good day because I can do whatever I want. I should be happy I have the freedom to do that!

Going to stay strong and positive.

[meoww]

Today the most positive thing I can do is to focus on myself, not guys or friends or family or anything else. I'm always thinking about other people instead of my own life and what I want. To break the cycle of abuse I have to be brave enough to do that. I have never done that in my life. I've never really known myself or allowed myself to be who I want to be.

 

I have forgiven, which is truly a huge weight off my shoulders but I haven't moved on.

 

I am allowing distractions to soothe my fears. As much as every step of recovery has been an uphill battle that I could never have anticipated, I am going to remove my distractions for a while.

[meoww]

There is this kind of tacky but meaningful story about a monk who wanted wisdom so his mentor or something takes him to a river or something and sticks his head under water. He pulls him out at the last minute. He asks the young monk what he wanted more than anything at that moment, and he replies, "i wanted to breathe." so his mentor says, "when you want wisdom as much as you wanted to breathe in that moment, you'll have it."

 

Every bit of progress I've managed to achieve has been a struggle of that magnitude. In the process, I really do feel wiser in a way, in the way many normal well adjusted people must feel. But getting there is so draining, unlike anything I ever expected. I think it's because well, obviously I had to live with my abusive parents for far too long, and more importantly, it's like I really did have to completely reconfigure my brain without knowing what the hell I was doing.

 

But I can say at the very least, i know what it is like to want something that much. I know for the first time in my life, the value of change, I guess. I know that what we what we start out with really isn't what we need to end up with.

[meoww]

Traits I want to have:

 

1.) self discipline. I want people to look at me and be like, wow, she really knows how to stay in control of her emotions, but without repressing them or anything. I want to be good for my word, to carry out what I plan to do, even when it's just something in my head that i havent discussed with anyone. I want to be able to make choices that benefit me. I want people to respect the way i carry myself. Although any hierarchy of respect is total bs im my opinion lol, it is just a power play that belongs in the animal kingdom. But i do want a healthy level of respect for who i am, from other people.

 

2.) initiative. I want to be the person who takes action when there is an opprtunity. I want to have a diverse range of interests and projects because that sounds the most fun.

 

3.) charisma. I think in order to be creative, to create anything worthwhile or to be part of anything, you have to make things or do things that other people like. So in my own, personal way, i want to figure out a way to tap into what other people like, or what a lot of people want. This is a huge issue i used to clash with my narcissistic mother most, because she would try to belittle me and tell me i was weak for caring so much about other people and their opinions, when actually it is just a regular, true, reality and a shrewd observation and mindset that a lot of people benefit from. She is just not that smart and takes her unhappiness and resentment out on me and tried to poison my mind so that i would question everything i did or was. Yeah thats how she got me was it? By using doubt against me like a brutal weapon. But im stronger now!

 

4.) energy, focus, drive, and all that other stuff.

[meoww]

Being, and staying positive and grounded is harder than being negative...definitely the hardest thing I have ever tried to attempt.

 

I catch myself slipping into a negative mindset more consciously now.

 

It's time to be strong!

 

I often forget to respect my own opinions, and focus on negative things people say to me and downplay the good things i hear. Then I start splitting again.

 

These are the improvements I'm making

 

1. Dealing directly with passive aggressive comments instead of getting upset alone later on that day when it is too late to do anything about it

 

2. Believing my own eyes and ears

 

3. Trying to see the good in people instead of focusing on how they have let me down

 

4. Dealing with a conflict, and then letting it go, like really letting it go.

 

5. Not obsessing over details, obsessing over stuff

[meoww]

I notice I obsess over what I perceive to be negative feedback

 

That obviously does not make me happy. It is frustrating and makes me upset.

 

So I am going to stop obsessing over little negative comments I get from people here and there

 

And stop making that my whole world

And not let it get me down or affect my decision making

[meoww]

Reminding myself again. Being happy isnt the easier road, it's the harder road. It's more fulfilling, in terms of both the journey and the destination, but it is definitely the harder road.

 

So when I wake up and feel tired and surprised that I'm not feeling up to anything, I need to remember that.

 

It is not like I'm magically going to wake up and everything is going to be easy.

[meoww]

Positive affirmations for right now. My blood sugar and energy feels stable, I'm not crashing as hard as I did even 3 weeks ago. I feel healthy and hope I can sustain my stable energy levels for a long time to come.

 

My body is looking pretty good, I'm slowly losing weight and I think this summer I'll finally reach my goal weight and wear my size 32 coral skinnies I bought last year.

 

My emotions don't peak and crash like they used to. When I feel a rush of giddiness, despair, or anger, I kind of realize it will wear me out so I try not to go overboard with any emotion.

 

I feel mature. I feel complete for the first time in my life. I don't feel like I need someone else to complete me.

 

I enjoy doing my own thing. I never got that before. I was an oversharer before and I never really liked being alone at times. But now I see how me time can be so fulfilling and important.

 

I feel safe

I feel hope

 

I don't feel as vulnerable as I used to

I feel stronger. Which is something I haven't felt in a long time, and since my true self was in hiding pretty much all my life, I could probably say I have never felt this way in my life.

 

Instead of getting motivated by fear, I'm motivated naturally. Instead of feeling really different and like I don't belong but don't want to conform, I feel like it's just no big deal. I'm not catastrophizing I can't spell but

Soon I'll be at that point where I really trust myself and take good care of myself.

I don't feel dissatisfied, I feel calm. I feel calm because I've finally given myself permission to be happy in life.

[meoww]

In order to stay positive I need to avoid my triggers

 

This includes:

 

No contact with family

Not rehashing the past in my head

Avoiding negative people

Maintaining healthy relationships

[meoww]

I'm so glad I finally understood what a trigger is because it's really helping me understand what I need to avoid in my life so that I can stay happy.

[meoww]

Going to chill in the bath with a face mask and aromatherapy

 

I did my affirmations/repeating my human rights outside this morning and it definitely helped. I think if I go outside first thing in the morning for a run or to meditate it really helps my mood a lot.

[meoww]

Entering a new phase in my recovery. Less time to reflect, more time to act. Actually, I feel like my thoughts and ideas are so much more meaningful now because I stopped seeing everything through the lens of my past trauma, and I'm so much more genuine and real. It nice to really feel like I have thoughts now, it's hard to explain. But I can think about ideas outside of me instead of being so self absorbed all the time. It used to be that every road and every thought led back even if in the most subtle way, to the pain of being abused by my 2 abusers, even my hobbies and academic interests, the clothes I wore, the people I dated, and the culture I chose to be part of.

 

I'm no longer scared of that part of my life even if that girl is a bit of a stranger to me.

 

Finally, I'm on a path that is leading me away from where I started. My life has begun.

[meoww]

Being happy is different from being positive isn't it?

 

I'm not very happy right now but I'm very positive. Right now I'm satisfied and proud of that.

[meoww]

I had kind of an amazing breakthrough in terms of my emotional self control and patience.

 

You know when you have one of those conversations where the person you are talking to misses a really basic point about a sport or game or idea or something but they don't realize it themselves so they condescend to you when you are just being polite and restraining yourself. Usually that would eat away at me inside, and I start to develop an intense resentment

 

And then years later if they finally got the point, I'd feel like ugh I told you so! And then usually I'd know there would be no point in bringing it up because they had either forgotten or would become defensive. But...

 

When I noticed this happening to me on Saturday

 

I started shutting down emotionally and being distant.

Inside I was so irritated

 

But then I caught myself

 

And I realized wow

Why am I so mad?

This person isn't trying to harm me.

 

Since it was such a trivial thing I realized I should just let it go

 

And restrain myself from the urge to start developing resentment based on the fact that I thought they were acting 'stupid' or lacking in character.

 

I mean it's hard to respect people sometimes when people act like...well a lot of things

 

But what am I going to do about it?

I tend to gauge my patience with people based on where they stand in society.

I allow people I want to be friends to be whoever they are

 

So I should treat all people like that too

 

And be careful of how I treat others so that I don't end up regretting it.

 

So I was able to divert the convo into something we both enjoyed talking about. A smooth transition...and I was seriously tripped up inside.

 

After that I felt so stable.

It is a good feeling to be able to fight the worst things about yourself.

[meoww]

Another positive thing was that I resisted this random urge to sabotage one of my exes who put me through hell, years ago back when I had to go back and live with my abusive parents. the guy who wasted thousands of my money in international flights, storage, a move accross the country, cheated on me so many times I can't even count, all while emotionally abusing me, telling me that my parents should have no effect on me and that I should just shut up about them when i hadn't even dealt with my ptsd at the time. he also threw things at me and kicked me and I'm very ashamed to say i thought it was love. the more distance i have from that horrible relationship the more horrible it seems. And he screwed around with my poor traumatized brain like i was a rag doll. And he humiliated me because I believed his lies about his plans to marry me. And everyone knew it was a farce except me because I was in such denial since I didn't want to be stuck dealing with my scary abusers on my own. And it was a hell I will not even go into.

 

I still have his FB password. so I really wanted to go and delete every single one of his contacts, to kind of prove the point that his actions were completely unacceptable even now, years later when I look back.

 

But here is the positive part!

 

As much as he deserves to suffer

Or ****ing die for all I care

Or contract a disfiguring illness

Or lose the people in his life that matter most

Or be shunned by society

 

As much as I want my sweet revenge

 

I am finally satisfied with living out those fantasies in my head instead of being tormented by the lack of consequences for his actions

 

That used to KILL me inside. How the hell could he get away with such nastiness and conceal most of his deviant and abhorrent behavior?

Why was I blamed for believing the lies he fed me?

 

But I guess what changed was this...,

[meoww]

Well a few things were at play in my decision.

 

I remembered the quote I posted in here about how forgiveness is a decision of the heart to rise above the instinct the repay evil with evil...

 

An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind...

(But sometimes blinding the bad people makes them less dangerous to the good ones...bah)

 

And I ultimately I realized that he really is just not that good of a person

[meoww]

It would be like praying for a carton of expired milk to be fresh again

Words are just not enough in this case. What we need is either science or a miracle.

 

If he ever grows as a person, he will contact me himself to deliver me a real apology instead of that narcissistic, creepy, insincere nonsense he pulled almost exactly a year ago that sent him spiraling into some bizarre engagement (at least from my perspective.)

 

To make matters even stranger

 

The truth is

[meoww]

This all came up when I saw another amateur porn video that I swear he was in...with some girl I have never seen before. But I swear that guy is hiding something. He has a real dark side.

 

So stumbling upon that dredged up my emotions about how I felt humiliated and degraded by his cheating

 

And how I felt like he was purposely trying to make me look weak and pathetic in front of his friends and family, privately boasting about his conquests when I had no idea

[meoww]

And I ran to the desktop to log into his FB and delete all his contacts

 

But I finally realized just how unhappy I make myself when I think about him.

 

Thinking about him is depressing. It makes me angry and since I know he'll never ask for my forgiveness in a genuine way

 

I deserve better than to even give him the time of day in my memories!

 

So I decided to continue to keep it classy.

 

I never had any outbursts or fights with his friends or family, I opened my home to them, I sent his sis $250 in graduation gifts that she never once thanked me for (her excuse was that she didn't want me to get the wrong idea, but not enough to send the gifts back...apparently), and kept a dignified silence around them for the most part

Except when I made out with his best friend lol I just remembered that

But I genuinely liked him...

 

Ok so that's not totally classy

But eh

[meoww]

So there were those two instances where I realized I could have the self control to keep the internal torment from overwhelming me.

 

It was just really positive to feel like I can deal with feeling frustrated without making decisions that end up complicating my life in some way.

 

if I had snubbed the woman I was talking to

 

I would have felt so bad about myself later

And maybe missed out on a great opportunity to connect with someone

 

And when it comes to the *******

 

It's just not worth giving him any possible ammo against me

As it stands I have the upper hand there and I should keep it that way

He is such an irresponsible jerk that it is just worth giving him an excuse to rewrite the past and the things he did to me

[meoww]

The takeaway for this month has basically just been for me to make decisions that don't complicate my life further. Even if I perceive someone or something to be irritating, or if I feel slighted in some way, my old self would fall on her sword on principle

 

But now I'm all about what makes it easier to get along with other people (to a point.)

 

This sounds so basic

But learning to not be shaken up by this was tough for me

Sometimes I felt like I was hiding the real me but I guess I'm realizing I had my guard down too much.

[meoww]

May

 

1. Always take the path that leads to the best outcome for me, as an individual, above all else (excluding like the earth and stuff lol)

 

This includes doing all sorts of stuff I hate doing, like networking, being fake sometimes, not jumping to conclusions about people's morality, boring chores and exercise, all the typical go getter stuff