Girlfriend of Five years gone, Mind Blowing

[Bizw]

Sorry for the confusing contents and bad grammer but if you could help me it would be so helpful so please bear with me.

 

My Girlfriend which I had been together with for five years has left me. She wants to be able to spend all her time with her girlfriends and not be tied down by me. Shes 20 and I'm 23 so I understand where still young and that shes going to want to be able to party without feeling restricted. I couldnt help but act jealous or angry when she would go out to the bars 3-4 times a week, get very drunk and rarely call me. Shes good looking and outgoing so I always worried about what she was doing. This caused her to feel restricted and thereforeeee she wanted to break up with me.

 

 

A week has passed and several times I told myself that I wasnt going to answer the phone when she calls. Two nights she called over 20 times because I wouldnt answer. She wanted to know what I was doing or if I was talking to other girls. So obviously shes confused.

 

Last night I told her that we had spent a long time together, shared alot of good times and that I don't want to leave on bad terms. I told her that I'd like to be friends with her and see how things go. She also thought this was a good idea and we decided we'd go out to eat tomorrow and just have a good time and not talk about our relationship. Well, today I was waiting for her to call so we could discuss the details of when we were going to go and were. I ended up calling her and she told me she had been at a party until 6:30am drinking, and she wasnt sure if she wanted to go because she was going to go to her friends again tonight. I asked her if shed like to go sat. and she told me that she would have to wait what her friends are doing. She has made plans with them on Sunday and Monday also. Needless to say I feel like shes going to completely fall out of my life soon. Her best friend nows many many guys and I can't help but think that when there out having fun with these guys that shes going to start a relationship with one of them. I

 

She gets so angry whenever I ask her how she feels about me, or anything about our relationship. She told me to "face it it's over"

Although she also has told me that she'd like to be friends.

 

I know some of these questions are hard to answer because you don't know her but please let me know from your past experiacnce.

 

My questions are

 

1. Do you think that shes going to feel farther and farther away from me as she goes out with her friends and has a good time without me.

 

2. Do you think that she'll find or look for another guy right away.

 

3 Do you think that If I quit talking about "us" and just be her friend that things might grow back into a relationship if we get along well?

 

4. Am I fooling myself into thinking that things might work out in the future? ( Have you had past experiances with getting back together with a ex)

 

5 Last and most important, what can I do to leave myself in a better postion with her than begging her to love me. I want to leave the oppurtunity for us to get back together, but I don't want to seem unattractive like I'm just waiting for her. I want to cut off contact for a while. What can I say when I call her for the last time to make her think.

 

I know it sounds like I'm a baby but I really love this girl, shes my best friend, I want her back so bad. I've been with her for five years and I don't want to throw it all away.

[hockeyboy]

when you stopped talking to her she called you 20 times looking for you. make her do that. if she loves you and wants to be with you she won't be able to bear that for long. by being her "friend" and being around she knows she can go out and do whatever she wants and still has you sitting around waiting for her. Dont do it. Ironically, whether your going to get over her or get back with her...getting away from her is the best thing to do. she hurt you, so dont be so worried if you hurt her. your not trying to..your just doing whats best for you. so do it.

[rich46]

Hi,

 

Your situation sounds very similar to mine. Back in July my now ex decided she wanted to experience the single life. I'm 23, she's 22. We were together for 3.5 years. Since we finished university over a year ago, we have lived 100 miles apart. She started a new job, met new friends, started clubbing a lot, got chatted up a lot etc.

 

So I sympathise with you because I know how hard it is.

 

1. Do you think that shes going to feel farther and farther away from me as she goes out with her friends and has a good time without me.

Maybe, maybe not. You can't control this. My only advice is to distance yourself from her. Most people on here would recommend no contact and I would too. It helped me SO much. I tried to be friends with my ex for about 1.5 weeks and it was too difficult. In the end I called her and told her I couldn't handle being friends with her so soon after the break up. She was shocked and the first few weeks were hell, but in my opinion it is the ONLY way...

 

2. Do you think that she'll find or look for another guy right away.

Possibly. But it will be a rebound and it isn't that likely to last. Again, you can't control this and it is best all round if you stay out of her way. You acting jealous will push her further away, and you'll feel worse. I recently found out my ex rebounded. How? Because she called me and was very upset. Seems like he hasn't been treating her too well, and she even said she was scared of letting go of a good thing (i.e. me). No contact prevented me from being hurt when she got a new guy, and it made her realise I wasn't some kind of back up for her.

 

3 Do you think that If I quit talking about "us" and just be her friend that things might grow back into a relationship if we get along well?

Wow I asked those things myself! Check my old posts from July/August. I believe the answer is NO. It wouldn't work because you'd still get jealous and your emotions would spill out eventually, and each time they did it would be another dent in your chances of ever getting her back. Trust me, you can't be friends with her now. How will she know what she's losing if you are still there to take her to restaurants etc? It's called having her cake and eating it. Be strong and don't do it - a period of no contact will help yo so much, and maybe in a few months when her clubbing phase is wearing thin, and you will be a stronger person, THEN you can think about friendship. May take longer than a few months though...

 

4. Am I fooling myself into thinking that things might work out in the future? ( Have you had past experiances with getting back together with a ex)

I don't think you're fooling yourself, because there have been some success stories on here. BUT for the time being, you should focus on yourself and making yourself a stronger, better person for future relationships (whoever they will be with). New hobbies, meeting new people, doing things not associated with your ex - all ESSENTIAL! You may have to force yourself to do things at first, but in time you'll heal and you'll gradually realise that you CAN live without your ex. Then you'll be less needy/jealous in the future...

 

5 Last and most important, what can I do to leave myself in a better postion with her than begging her to love me. I want to leave the oppurtunity for us to get back together, but I don't want to seem unattractive like I'm just waiting for her. I want to cut off contact for a while. What can I say when I call her for the last time to make her think.

Think I've already answered this one. Like I said, I called my ex a couple of weeks after the break up and told her that I needed some time to heal as it was so difficult trying to be friends, knowing that she was out most nights meeting other guys (and doing God knows what with them). Yes it was difficult to cut contact, one of the hardest things I've ever done, but looking back it was the BEST thing I ever did.

 

Hope I've helped somewhat. If not, read my old messages and replies, particularly the ones from July. Your situation is very similar to mine. It's true, you are only young and I think it is very common for girls in their early 20s to panic a little at the prospect of their youth passing by without doing the whole 'party' thing. And some guys too of course! So don't blame yourself for this - it's probably best it has happened now rather than in 10 years when you lived together/mortgage/kids etc.

 

Besides, if you do end up back with her, she will have no regrets as she'll have experienced the other side and you may have a more positive chance of a long and happy relationship.

 

To sum up my rambling, I would suggest:

 

-no contact

-new hobbies

-concentrate on YOU

-exercise (it will make you feel better)

-anything to meet new people/make new friends

 

Begging will only push her away. You can't do anything wrong when doing no contact - she won't forget about you so easily either so don't worry about that.

 

Take care and keep posting on the message boards because this place, along with my family, got me through the initial few weeks which were the worst of my life.

 

Good luck...stay strong!

 

Rich

[hockeyboy]

haha..do as rich and i say, we were probably two of the most miserable people on this site a few months back and now we are both happy.

[Bizw]

Thanks alot for the help guys

 

One last Question, should I tell her that I'd like to cut off contact or just quit answering. Last time we talked we left on bad terms, her not wanting to here me talk about us. So I'd like to leave on good terms but I not sure if just quiting aswering would be better.

 

 

Thanks again

[hockeyboy]

heres my suggestions. dont pick up the phone. if she keeps calling like she did before then pick up. but dont talk about anything. dont tell her your avoiding her or that you dont want to talk, but rather have an excuse, say you have to go for whatever reason...tell her "ill catch up with ya later" if she knows your not gonna talk to her she wont be expecting you to call...wont have the same effect.

 

better yet...have something better to do then talk to her. have fun.

[Bizw]

The handwritings is on the walls I guess I'm just having a really hard time excepting this. I always thought in the back of my head that even though we met young we would be together forever, now I can't accept the fact that my inner feeling was wrong. Sorry to ramble but I'm really feeling down and out.

 

You've both given great advice. I guess my fear is that if I quit talking to her she might be sad for a day or two but then she'll move on. I know that I have to do whats right for myself. I also am grasping to the hope that things will work out. I don't think anyone can tell what she'll do but I do know that she has plenty of friends and also is very good at not letting things bother her. I guess I'm afraid of being completely shut out of her life, but I guess I need to be strong and deal with this. Do you think she'll lose all emotions for me if I cut off contact for long. I guess I don't have a choice but I'm hoping to somewhat know what to expect.

 

 

Thanks

[hockeyboy]

I guess my fear is that if I quit talking to her she might be sad for a day or two but then she'll move on.

 

doubtful, probably the opposite. she will proably be happy at first and begin to miss you after a while. at least, thats been my experience.

[Bizw]

Thanks Hockeyboy,

 

If I'm still feeling like I really want to talk to her, how long after cutting off contact do you think it's safe to give her a call. I imagine she'll quit trying to call after several days.

 

Hockeyboy and anyone else for that matter be blunt with me. From what you do know, do you think it's a lost cause and we're most likely never going to be together again. I know shes very very sick of dealing with our relationship because shes made it clear that she doesnt want to be together and she finds it doughtful that we'll get back together. She gets really angry when I talk to her about us and tells me that I need to suck it up. I know I might sound like a little girl but I can't believe someone that I loved for almost 5 years and experiaced so many new things with can turn so cold.

 

So do you read this and think theres not a chance in us getting back together? Be Blunt I'm asking what you think from what you now.

[San123]

I agree with hockeyboy, you shouldn't try to make plans with her or call her... she obviously went crazy after not hearing from you for a couple of days if she called you 20 times! Once you had plans again and she broke them she felt like she was in control, which she was. I suggest you don't call her anymore for a while at least and only answer her calls if she calls constantly, but don't act like you miss her and need to see her, that will put her back in control. Instead, be short and act "happy" like you arent miserable without her, because this will scare her a bit. She probably just wants to get all this partying out of her system since she is young, and she could realize what she is missing after the partying gets old...and come back to you. Quit asking her about her feelings for you etc. If she wants you to know, she will tell you, and for the time being you asking her is making her mad and she pushes you away even more. It looks like you will have to give her some space before she will even consider coming back to you.

[Bizw]

I called her so I could try and leave on somewhat better terms. I talked to her for about 5 minutes about nothing to do about us and kept things light. Then she told me that she wanted to go to to "Pasta Tree" ( the resteraunt we had planned on going to earlier).

 

Heres how it went somewhat, I spoke calmy and confident

 

 

 

"I told her no ( about the resteraunt). I told her that we've shared many new experiances together, and many good times, I'm not going to try and remember you as someone bad, but I cant' be used as a filler for when your friends arent available. I don't think being friends is going to work. I hope the best for you, your an great person, hopefully we can stay in touch and talk down the road from now.

 

She then tells me that she feels the same about the memorys and such and that she wants to come see my new apartment sometime(I moved yesterday) and hopes we stay in touch. She then tells me If I'd like to go out to dinner tomorrow to call her. I say okay.

 

I now she expects me to call tonight and for sure tomorrow. Shes not the type of girl thats going to sit around and worry what I'm doing. Or let worrying about me ruin her fun. But I think this is a good way to leave off because she totally expects me to call tomorrow and I have to be strong and not do it.

 

 

Let me know if you guys think things went well. I think at least I gained back some diginity rather than crying and begging on the phone.

[rich46]

Yeah I think you handled that well. I must say you seem very strong considering it is so soon after the break up. Much stronger than I was back in July. You're going to be fine...just don't buckle and call her. It's not a game though. Now is the time to start concentrating on YOU rather than HER. Do new things, get out and about - you'll be feeling better in no time!

 

Take care,

 

Rich

[Mun]

I think the best thing for you right now is to think about yourself. Don't let her jerk you around, she is the one who has decided to be without you... well let her live without you. She has made a choice and she should have to live with her decisions. As the other said, if you are hanging around her then she will feel "safe" and as though you are there whenever she decides to come back.

 

Protect your heart. The best thing is to walk away now with your pride and dignity intact. She will remember this about you. Maybe one day you will talk again---or you may meet someone new, but you will not regret having walked away as a strong man.

 

I know this is not easy, especially after such a long relationship and I wish you the best. Hang in there

[rich46]

The best thing is to walk away now with your pride and dignity intact. She will remember this about you.

Great point! I think that just about sums it up. I feel good that I was strong enough to call her and tell her I couldn't be friends. Looking back, I can remember hearing the shock/surprise in her voice. I don't think she was expecting that. I think she thought I would be so devastated that I would hang on to her friendship and allow her to use me as a back up.

 

Listen to the people's advice on this thread Bizw and you will be fine in the long run!

 

Rich

[Bizw]

As you can see I have iniated no contact. I already feel like calling but I know I can't. I look at my cell phone all the time hoping she calls so at least I know that she cares.

 

Anyway, if she call's what should I do? What if she calls over and over like shes done in the past? Unfortantly I think she won't call because she seems to be confident she doesnt need me. But, if she does, what do you think I should do, not answer, answer and say I'm busy and I'll call back and then not return her call. Or whatever you think.

 

Also if you have any tips to keep me from calling please let me know

[herewegoagain]

BizW - Do not call her. Listen to Rich and Hockeyboy - they know what they are talking about. Trust me, you are just asking for more pain if you contact her. Nothing will help right now - letters, emails, phone calls will be a step backwards right now. NC is the only thing that will help YOU.

 

Believe me, I know from experience. Thanks to Rich and Hockeyboy (and many others) I have learned that NC is the way to go. It's been three months since my ex gf dumped me, and yes I still feel like contacting her, but I am staying strong, and will probably never contact her again. In fact, she still has a very sentimental piece of jewelery that is mine which I actually gave her by accident when I gave her all her things back. I may never contact her for the jewelery, but if i do, I want to make sure I am 100% over her.

 

That's how important NC is - I'd rather stay strong and heal by doing NC, than to get my jewelery back, even though it is very special to me!!!

[Girly]

Biz: Not to sound bossy....but under any circumstance, do not give in and call! If you call and end up going to dinner with her, she will do one of two things: put on a front showing you how well she's doing (which will be a stab in the back) or she'll tell you how much of a mistake she's made...which, from the sounds of it, I'm going with choice one. Sorry kido. I don't want this to come accross as mean or hurtful...I'm just trying to be honest. Reason I think that's her intent is because I've seen it many times...in fact, years ago, my girls and i would have girls nights and talk about how we did this to our ex's...so first hand. (Not that I'm proud of it, though that was a long time ago too). When you asked if you should answer or just ignore her calls..I know that time has passed, but for future reference...just answer and be upfront with her. Explain: give me some time to think...I will contact you when I feel I'm ready to talk. Until then, I need you to respect my wishes. When a guy doesn't answer, tends to make a girl more persistent on finding out why...makes her mind wander. Just a girl's perspective on the situation. Good luck. I'll be around-drop me a line sometime. ~Bre

[emma34]

I completely understand your situation. Your ex-girlfriend sounds, although it is scary, like me. I recently broke up with my very long-term boyfriend, for many reasons, but a big part of it was because I am still young and want to experience being with other people, and have a good time. She is likely VERY confused, and that is why she is saying that she wants to be friends one day, and then wanting you to just 'get over it' the next day. Like me, she sounds the kind of girl that cannot be bored. When she is out with her friends having fun, she's fine, and then the second her friends arent around she feels completely lost, and who gets a call? you. I would not advise trying to get back together with this girl. Being friends is a very dangerous thing, because she might just lead you to believe she is still deeply in love with you just to make sure you never leave her alone. I would say, try to move on with your life without her. Right now, tell her that you need space from her, because it sounds like she is using you. Attempt a clean break. Maybe you can still be friends down the road, but right now might be too soon, because she might be "moving on" (with other guys) faster than you, and that wuold really hurt to find out.

[silkysaul]

biz,

omfg Guess what?? What you are going through is almost EXACTLY what I am going through RIGHT NOW! it is currently 3:27am right now. I was online seeking for answers, advice, new people to meet....

 

I only wish I found this site earlier, I wouldnt have done what YOU GUYS suggested for biz. I kept calling her, she showed effections to me, she says she feels remorsed, I hope this isnt getting old but he's my situation

 

We Met back in '99, she was like me. We werent very fortunate looking, had low self esteem, always teased, basically both on that suicidal depression crap. But we were SOOO happy we found each other. Feeling safe when holding each other. She's my first love, I was her first as well maybe after 1 yr or so. we had our 1st HUGE argument, me nearly leaving her, she cried and beg for me to stay, seeing her crying was too much for me, I always managed to work it out. On 2002, we had a child, looks dead like me and everyone thinks he;s the cutest thing

 

She realized I wasnt a bullcrap and she means my life, I will always be there for the baby. on 2004, holloween, her mother died. At the same time, things werent going too good so we decided on taking turns watching the baby on schedule days of the week.(Yes, our parents still supported us, NO we did not get our own place, since I screwed up, I changed that around and going to college, seeking profession in IT related).

 

But lately, she was always needed time off, for short, she wanted to go out, Out every evening, taking walks alone everytime im watching the baby im my house

 

Then I started getting paranoid because she was showing signs of cheating. I was in DENAIL because I didnt think she's like the rest of the girls in the neighborhood (ghetto skanky). She started to:

-Be emotional Distant from me

-Have a change in appearance (looking HOT)

-Regularly strolling around the SAME area

-Keeping her Cell as if it a BIG secret

-Less sex...

Not to mention everytime I would try to call her to see what she was doing, she would hang up on her cell, or turn it off. The red flag was up, its a gut that u feel, but You do not want to believe it. You try to supress it but DANG, its standing out on the open. I stayed shut because I didnt wanna believe it, Until her brother came to my house and spilled that a guy named "Jason" calls her every night, and asked if I knew who he was?

 

OMFG, the pain that I felt, the LUMP on my throat that I felt...I was HURT HURT HURT. I know that EXTREME pain Biz Before the night her bro came to me. I asked her what she was doing for 3 ours out. She said "I went to get food but I changed my mind, I was just walking around". I told her to SWEAR to her dead mom and her son that she wasnt talking to ANY guys.... you better believe she lied flat to my face. I confronted who's Jason, of course hoping that it was just a relative or something non stranger related. She told me it was "no one", So I asked to meet this guy she said "no". Bingo she's caught....

 

Not knowing how to react, I reacted like anyone would, FLIPPED. raged with anger, I demanded to know who is this guy, how they met, what did she do with him, ect..

after I lot of fighting, days pass, I acted calm *pretending I was over her* and I got so much info, She kissed this guy, they met randomly at a Deli. I cried right in front of her, was begging that I was wrong, and blamed myself in front of her, saying that it was my fault for driving her to that point. Trying to get her back. But it didnt work, so I begged to remain friends. Thats the state im in NOW. trying to be friends, but I gotta tell u, ITS KILLING ME

The more we go to "placed" I always bring the other guy up., and yes I do feel like she;s in control of me, But I do not wanna cut her from my life. I wanna get my son to be raised with mommy and daddy She is willing to try to be friends and stay in contact and is also willing NOT to stop seeing this guy.

 

My current situation, we spilled how much we loved each other, had make up sex.. (while horny I wanted to see how far she goes, I made her admitt she wants to bang this guy, finds him REAL sexy, wanted it rough from him). CRAP, Ive done the WORST mistake of my life by doing that, now even if we do wanted to get back together, im always going to remember who's named she called out. Dude...This is BAD really bad, my legs are shaking now.

 

She NOW FULLY feels bad what we done (make up sex, trying to spice things up by adding "3some"). She talks to me, pulls me and rubs my face, kissed me ... "I dont want u to leave from my life, ..for lil Saul, for the baby". I always leave in a strong state of mind to not talk to her, be her friend, but everytime we are face to face, I fall inlove... its hard cuz she lives 1 block away from me. Help me guys, and Biz, lets go through this together, get each others back. I feel like im being used as a back up as well...