My emotionally distant girlfriend

[Applejacks924]

I have been going out with my girlfriend for about 4 months however, I have known her for 2 years. I have always known she has had a tough time in life. Her father was murdered a few yrs ago,she struggled with bulimia, most of her past lovers have cheated on her and she smokes way more pot than I think anyone should. When we were just friends we always had a rocky relationship, on and off all the time mostly because she had a tough time accepting my feelings for her. At one point we went about four months of hanging out every week when we were just friends. When we finally started going out I thought we would continue to see eachother all the time but that isn't the case. I see less of her now. We text everyday almost but its mostly on my part. She says she loves me every once in awhile. She says she wants a future with me. She says she's never met anyone who treats her as well as I do. She was there for me during a health scare I experienced. She makes alot of promises that we will spend more time together. More recently she started going to a support group for troubled young adults and claims that she's going to open up to me more. I want to understand her and to a certain extent I do know what its like to feel misunderstood because I have suffered from bipolar disorder. I love her but she is so emotionally distant it's taking its toll on me. She barely hugs me when I see her and I haven't even gotten to kiss her yet. I don't know what I should do? Do I stay with her or do I leave? Is there anything I can do to help her?

[SpottiOtti]

Your girlfriend's got some serious demons to contend with. It's good that she's going to the support group. She is probably giving you what she's capable of giving you right now as far as affection and attention go. If you want to stay with her, you've just got to be patient and encourage her to continue getting help. You can also talk to her about what you need out of a relationship when it comes to affection and attention. If she cares about you and doesn't want to lose you, she might try to meet you halfway.

[ThatwasThen]

She's not capable of making anyone happy if she's not happy within. If you can be strong and not expect too much right now she might come around but you're chancing your own emotional health by trying to continue a relationship with her right now in my not so humble opinion.

 

She has to put all effort into her own recovery so that she's doing her best to come to terms with what is currently ailing her. My suggestion, back off completely and let her give you what she can and if that's not good enough, then stop trying and find someone who is ready to kiss you. The only thing different since you went from friends to romantic partners and put a label on your 'relationship' is that you put a label on your relationship. She's not ready for that actual actions that prove said label.

[Timbone]

Sounds clinically depressed or bipolar. That the case, I wouldn't waste any more of your time. We aren't on the planet long enough to deal with problems of that magnitude when it comes to lifelong relationships. I tried. Wasn't worth it.

[NorthDallas40]

I totally agree with ThatwasThen.

 

I'd back off, tell her she has my support, but that the relationship (such as it is) is over for now. Because she simply can't offer you what you deserve at the moment, and you want her to have the chance to heal without the pressure of a relationship hanging over her head.

 

But let her know that when she's ready, you'd be glad to pick things up again... assuming you're not in another relationship when/if she contacts you.

 

Just be aware that the reason she's so distant now *might* be because she wants out of the relationship already, but doesn't have the courage to tell you this directly. There are numerous stories on this forum that are similar to yours that have panned out that way.

 

And if that's the case, going your own way (with NC) is the best thing for YOU.

[NorthDallas40]

Sounds clinically depressed or bipolar. That the case, I wouldn't waste any more of your time. We aren't on the planet long enough to deal with problems of that magnitude when it comes to lifelong relationships

 

For me personally, I completely agree. Relationships are about mutual love and support, not one person playing therapist to the other's problems. Partners should go into a relationship HEALTHY or not at all, IMO.

[Ms Darcy]

Well, I don't think you should have ever started this relationship to begin with.

[min12]

Dont give up on her. Maybe you should try and have a deep heart to heart with her? And let her know that you love her and you arent going to leave her, you should confront her about her distance towards you because I doubt she does it on purpose and probably beats her self up at the fact that she cant open up to you as much as she wants to. Try and be patient even though its tough, because it looks like she really needs someone who will stick by her, someone who she can (eventually) develop a really strong relationship with! I know its probably draining your energy but just try a little longer to help her

[ThatwasThen]

Dont give up on her. Maybe you should try and have a deep heart to heart with her? And let her know that you love her and you arent going to leave her, you should confront her about her distance towards you because I doubt she does it on purpose and probably beats her self up at the fact that she cant open up to you as much as she wants to. Try and be patient even though its tough, because it looks like she really needs someone who will stick by her, someone who she can (eventually) develop a really strong relationship with! I know its probably draining your energy but just try a little longer to help her

one word: "Why?"

 

Her therapist and her family unit are there to really stick by her and give her the support that will actually help her through this.

 

IMO, there is No point being codependent to the point that they're both miserable. She's no where near being capable of returning his efforts and love. To stay even a little longer seems rather martyr-like, lacking in personal respect for oneself and having tendencies of White Knight Syndrome. He can't fix her.