I am at a loss, and extremely emotionally stressed.

[Forrest99]

I currently live around an hours drive away from my boyfriend. This has always been the case.

We've been quite happy to only see each other every other weekend (& more when time allows), ever since the relationship begun over a year and a half ago.

I am currently at University (which started in September), and he recently got a new job in January.

We generally call each other every night, and talk in bits and bobs over FaceBook during the day.

There's never been any issues with either one of us being unfaithful, or suspected of such. & we rarely argue.

We've had a pretty good, fun relationship.

 

We did have a blip last October, where he suddenly (without warning) ended the relationship on the grounds he was stressed at his previous job, and felt like he couldn't cope with the extra contact I was giving him (I rang him more often to talk about the course I had just started, and about moving into student halls etc.). A few days later he felt foolish and wanted to get back together with me, realising he made a rash decision.

I was a little dubious as to whether the relationship would get back to normal, but it did!

I have been very happy for the past few months. I did initially suffer from anxiety/insecurity and over-worrying; but it finally disappeared.

 

He made an agreement to tell me in future if he ever felt he had any problems, instead of bottling them up; and potentially getting to a point where he would make a rash decision again.

 

Yesterday I could tell he was a little reserved on the phone, and I pointed it out to him. He told me he had begun feeling a little iffy over the relationship, and that these thoughts had occurred today. He told me he still loved me, and wanted to make it work.. But that he feels as though he needs to be alone.

He's stated that he feels as though he wants to shut himself away, and simply concentrate on his work. He has been working way over twelve hours a day, as he's been trying to make a good impression to his boss; so that they definitely keep him on once his temporary contract ends.

 

We didn't get much chance to discuss it, and he said we would talk about it the next day (today).

I've been completely emotionally distraught, as I am worried he'll suddenly turn around and want to end the relationship.

I love him A LOT. He is the person I turn to about all my worries/issues, and I feel he is the only one who truly understands me.

 

He didn't really contact me at all today, not that he usually does until after he's finished work.. But he messaged me saying this:

Gonna be home

REALLY late it seems

 

I put:

Okayilydokily. Don't worry over it

How late is REALLY late?

 

He:

When I can get my work done

not sure when I can finish it up

 

Me:

18:02

Well unless you have something you NEED to tell me, you don't need to call tonight if you're finishing really really late.

I'll probably go to sleep at around 11ish, as I'm perdy sleepy, so if it's before then. Then that's fine .

If not, you can always tell me tomorrow!

 

 

Now I kinda said this to show I wasn't too distraught, and I was hoping that if he was going to tell me something bad.. He would kinda let me know beforehand by saying: I need to tell you something.

 

Anywho; it got to around half 10. & I messaged him asking if he was still at work..

He then told me that he had finished work 45 mins ago, and that he'd had something to eat.

 

I felt a bit horrified at this. As I expected him to call me sooner, and offer some reassurance. Especially as I had stated I was thinking of going to sleep at 11.

I rang him up, and he seemed very disinterested to talk, and was quite weary. I told him that I felt a little upset that he hadn't bothered to ask how I was prior to me calling him, or that he hadn't bothered to ring me.

 

He stated that because I had sent the earlier message, he believed that he shouldn't have to call me. & he did say that he was exhausted from work.

Which I do understand. He said, after a very short conversation, that he was going to sleep. & that was that.

 

I now feel like I'm the bad person.

& I don't know what to do next.

 

I feel I've made things worse...

 

What can I do?

 

& I do appreciate you taking the time to read this!

[stranger88]

The guy is clearly confused and I know you want an answer but you need to stop pressuring him. Its not like he will never get back to you and he is probably just busy at work that given day.

 

Put it like this, if he says its all ok he's still going to be thinking about it if he feels that way, so no answer short of him dumping you is going to 'ease' your thoughts.

 

If you push him you may force him to dump you, which you don't want. So i'd personally not bring it up and stop hassling him. If you force him for an answer you are encouraging him to dump you.

[stranger88]

Also stop calling him and forcing his hand. Here are the two options:

 

1) He reassures you and tells you everything is ok - He could just be lying and is likely still going to think about it.

2) You pressure him into dumping you, which if you keep forcing a decision will happen.

 

So you're better off just not mentioning it. Because even if he 'reassures' you its essentially the same thing.

[Ms Darcy]

This is a tough time. He's considering ending the relationship. Calling him for reassurance and comfort is the last thing you would want to do right now. It reinforces his thinking. Give him all the space he needs and more. Try to be as cool and as busy as you can be ... I know it's hard.

[shellyf62]

He is the person I turn to about all my worries/issues, and I feel he is the only one who truly understands me.

 

This could be part of it. If he is busy & stressed & tired with work the last thing he needs is to listen to all your problems as well. That may sound harsh, but maybe he just needs a break & some time to cope with his own issues.

 

Do you have a close girlfriend or family member you can talk to? Maybe if you talk out your issues with them for a while you will be a lot more calm & happy when you talk to him.

[stranger88]

This is a tough time. He's considering ending the relationship. Calling him for reassurance and comfort is the last thing you would want to do right now. It reinforces his thinking. Give him all the space he needs and more. Try to be as cool and as busy as you can be ... I know it's hard.

 

Agreed, it will just help justify his decision if you act needy.

[NorthDallas40]

Agreed, it will just help justify his decision if you act needy.

 

Thirded.

 

Harsh as it may sound, he's clearly thinking about ending the relationship, which means he needs a break from YOU.

 

Give it to him.

 

Ordinarily I'd suggest NC, but since he hasn't broken up with you (yet), you don't need to fall of the face of the earth IMO.

 

But from now on, don't initiate contact. Just respond in kind when HE initiates.

 

1 text for 1 text.

1 Facebook message for 1 FB message.

1 call for 1 call.

 

And keep it light - don't keep pressuring him about your relationship or problems. It will only push him away further. There's no guarantees with this approach, but it's really the best option for you at the moment.

 

Good luck with this... it could be very tough for awhile.

[Ms Darcy]

He is the person I turn to about all my worries/issues, and I feel he is the only one who truly understands me.

 

This is a big problem actually if this is how you feel OP.

 

You need friends outside of this relationship.

[faerietale]

Sometimes, you need to NOT make your significant other your savior. I understand that you want to tell him everything, confide in him, and turn to him when you're in need of a helping hand, but sometimes, that just adds more pressure for that person, especially if they're going through their own struggles, too. When you allow this person to not only be your boyfriend, but also you best friend, your world, your everything, that's a lot to put on a single person, no matter how much you love them.

 

You need to turn to friends, family, therapy, some other outlet and give him room to breathe. For instance, based on your texts, you said to him that it was ok if he was working late. You should've left him alone. I know that it hurts and it's disappointing to know that he didn't call you even though he got off earlier than stated etc, but he did tell you prior to that about him needing space and that work is stressing him out. I'm sure it wasn't anything personal, but he just got home from work and if his mind is focused on work, he's not going to automatically think, "Oh shoot, I gotta call my girlfriend."

 

Also, if he's not calling you to talk about it, I know it's going to cause you a lot of anxiety since he's done this before, but I think it's best to possibly meet with him in person and talk instead of relying for him to call you on the phone. I think you did make a mistake of calling and confronting him about his work hours and not calling you. You just added more stress and pressure to him. (I've done this before with my ex and it caused us to end the relationship).

 

If it's going to cause you that much anxiety, you have the right to ask him to talk to you, but I am not sure you're going to get the answer you want.

[Braveheart1]

This is a tough time. He's considering ending the relationship. Calling him for reassurance and comfort is the last thing you would want to do right now. It reinforces his thinking. Give him all the space he needs and more. Try to be as cool and as busy as you can be ... I know it's hard.

 

Great advice. I would give the person the space they need and see how they behave. I'm doing the same thing right now. If they come back to you, at least they better have a good explanation and work on the communication. If they dont come back, then there is your answer. As tough as it may be, stay cool and strong.

[Braveheart1]

Thirded.

 

Harsh as it may sound, he's clearly thinking about ending the relationship, which means he needs a break from YOU.

 

Give it to him.

 

Ordinarily I'd suggest NC, but since he hasn't broken up with you (yet), you don't need to fall of the face of the earth IMO.

 

But from now on, don't initiate contact. Just respond in kind when HE initiates.

 

1 text for 1 text.

1 Facebook message for 1 FB message.

1 call for 1 call.

 

And keep it light - don't keep pressuring him about your relationship or problems. It will only push him away further. There's no guarantees with this approach, but it's really the best option for you at the moment.

 

Good luck with this... it could be very tough for awhile.

 

For the win. Great advice too. No point in sounding desperate.