I am at a loss.

[Forrest99]

I've been with my boyfriend for just over a year and a half.

We've never run into any trust issues, and rarely argue at all.

 

Last October he ended the relationship saying he didn't love me anymore, but (shortly afterwards) he decided he wanted to work on it; as he believed he made a rash decision due to his job and financial issues putting a lot of stress onto him. We worked through it, and although I did initially experience a lot of insecurity/anxiety issues; we got through it.

I can honestly say I've been very happy for the past few months.

 

I told him that if he ever felt any doubts in future, to tell me; instead of bottling them up, then ending up making a quick decision which he later regrets.

 

Today he told me that he's been feeling a little iffy about the relationship, and that these feelings/thoughts only occurred today. He has been quite understanding and has stated that he knows that him simply saying that will stop me from sleeping/putting stress onto me.. But he told me he does want to work on it, to see if anything can be resolved.

 

I asked him what he's been feeling, and he states that he feels as though he "wants to be alone"; to "concentrate on his work". He says he still loves me, & that he does want to try and make it work. But that he simply feels the aforementioned.

 

He says he'll ring me tomorrow evening once he's finished work, & I Uni.. To discuss it further.

 

I don't know what to do?

[positivity16]

That was a very considerate and mature thing to do, for him to inform you of the way he is feeling. If I were you, I would respect that, and wait for him to call like he said he would. Be calm, listen to what he has to say, and don't push him into staying with you if that's not what he wants. It might work out, and it might not... If he decides that he does indeed need time alone, then so be it. You say he still loves you; maybe with time, he will come back to you.

[Batya33]

I don't think he should have shared this in the way he did - apparently it has nothing to do with specific behaviors of yours that concern him. If he wants to end things, then he should tell you that and if he wants to try to resolve his own feelings then he doesn't need your help and in fact you would be too biased to help. I made the mistake of acting like your bf and now realize that it was selfish and manipulative - yes maybe at times the intentions were honorable but in hindsight -what was the point in upsetting him unless I had made a decision to end the relationship? Why put the other person in limbo and stress the person out when there's nothing the person can or should do?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Today he told me that he's been feeling a little iffy about the relationship, and that these feelings/thoughts only occurred today.

 

Well that's taking your request a little too literally. He just had these feelings today and rather than seeing if they go away tomorrow or the next day when perhaps he is less stressed about whatever, he decides to blurt this out. Not very considerate. In fact, this guy seems to be way too ambivalent about this relationship if he can bounce back and forth like this with wanting and not wanting the relationship. Quite frankly I think this is a big red flag that this guy's emotions are not very reliable.

[Forrest99]

Oh gosh.

I'm just breaking down right now.

I don't know what to do.

[Ms Darcy]

Well I wonder what he thinks the resolution here is. Does this just mean less time together?

[Batya33]

Oh gosh.

I'm just breaking down right now.

I don't know what to do.

 

Please do not break down. Give him twice the space he seems to need to resolve his issues on his own and tell him he does need to resolve them on his own. Be kind, compassionate but tell him kindly you can't help him because you're too biased. Tell him if he figures out that part or all of it has to do with something you're doing or not doing, that you'll be happy to talk with him about it. If things drag on for more than a week or so suggest taking some time apart where you don't see or speak to each other (or text!). Give him time to experience life without you -(not to date other people) - if he says he needs to date other people then I'd end things but if he asks for a month of space while still remaining committed that might be something you can agree to. Deep breaths ok??

[Iggles]

In fact, this guy seems to be way too ambivalent about this relationship if he can bounce back and forth like this with wanting and not wanting the relationship. Quite frankly I think this is a big red flag that this guy's emotions are not very reliable.

 

I agree. While relationships have their ups and down, ambivalence is never a good sign! They say the opposite of love isn't hate; it's indifference.

 

OP, I all for giving him space but you've also got to consider what's in your interest. Refocusing on yourself and determining what YOU want out of this relationship is prudent. Perhaps a more final step - a break up with no contact is better in the end. Instead of waiting to know how HE feels, he would see what life is like without you and if he wants to be with you he'd have to work to get YOU back. If he doesn't, while painful, you'd know where you stand. Ultimately, it's so much better to be with someone who is crazy about you than someone who is just 'meh' about you.