Lady42 Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 Hi, so this is a question that has been plaguing me for a while... And I will explain why... My question is if you constantly put up with crap from a partner, does that make you loyal or a pushover? I'm not talking about major bad behaviors like cheating or abuse..... But pretty much the behavior of a commitment phobe. The pushing away and pulling back. The reason I put up with it is because I was like this once. Several years ago I had a guy who would do anything for me... I did anything I could to push him away, you could even say I acted crazy. Finally after a few months I realized he WASN'T going to leave me like I had feared and now I did not want to lose him. I quickly shaped up and we were together for 6 years. That's why now I feel like I have a hard time giving up on people.... What is the best way to act when you are in a relationship with someone who displays commitment phobic behaviors??? Thanks! Link to comment
lilypadgirl Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 It's hard to say because some commitment phobes do change with support and eventually come around. But sadly, most never change because the status quo of not-too-close-but-not-too-far is too comfortable for them to change, especially if their partner shows complete devotion and acceptance of that status quo. It really depends on what the underlying fear of that commitment is. For you it sounds like it was fear of abandonment and your guy proved that he was going to be there for you no matter what - helping to resolve your fear. Others fear boredom and being tied to the same person their entire lives or fear divorce and worry that they are with the wrong person or that they miss out on the right person by being committed or fear losing their independence and individuality. For those people, it is harder to get them to take more committed steps just by being devoted. I think you also have to consider age. You are currently 26. That is when most people normally start to think of long term commitments. Earlier than that, people are finding themselves and their places in the world. I wouldn't call anyone in their early 20s a commitment phobe. Typically when someone is in their 30s and exhibit this behavior, then it's possible they are a commitment phobe. Link to comment
Lady42 Posted March 17, 2013 Author Share Posted March 17, 2013 Thanks for your response! The fear of the particular guy I'm speaking about seems to be of intimacy/attachment/abandonment. He's kept me at an arms length, and every time he opens up a little, he pulls away again. He's 28... I know this is a pattern for him, I see him "testing" me.. Which I did with my ex, so this behavior is familiar. I just don't want to be seen as a pushover and doormat... As I keep going back to him. Link to comment
itsallgrand Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 Good question. I understand it well, applies to me now. Not in sticking around for too much, but in taking off at the signs of any wrinkles. Basically I decide that there are certain things that I can handle, and other I can not. If someone crosses that line, I have been out. I've learned to be a wee more flexible in it, for you, you might end up tightening up boundaries. The basic idea being more objective in my dating (previously) and my relationship (now). I used to think a lot more with my feelings. Now I try a lot harder to think rationally. Not that I didn't have rational thought before, but it was more often overwhelmed by an emotional response which I allowed to actively bypass/gloss over more rational realities of a situation. Applying that, and knowing what you are looking for and ready to give to a relationship, I think helps a lot in deciding what is worth taking a risk on seeing how it plays out, and what is too high risk for you. Look at it objectively. Take out the feelings for the person when accessing the relationship, at times. Look at the actions and what they say. And try not to apply blanket terms like " commitment phobe " to folks...like said above...people behaviors can stem from many different roots and causes...some are changeable, some are not, some can change within a relationship, some do not. Link to comment
lilypadgirl Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 Applying that, and knowing what you are looking for and ready to give to a relationship, I think helps a lot in deciding what is worth taking a risk on seeing how it plays out, and what is too high risk for you. That in a nutshell. I am like you lady, I tend to want to stick it out and be devoted. But it's not costless. You have to understand your own needs, boundaries, and timeline. You mention this is a pattern for him. Did he tell you that? Have you guys talked about what he views as a healthy relationship and what he wants for the future? Do you get the sense that when he tells you his patterns, is he bonding with you or using it as his excuse to avoid change? I learned the hard way that you have to learn when to be devoted and when to bow out gracefully. Push-pull situations, in the long run, is very damaging to the self-esteem because even though every time he feels more secure that you are there for him, you are feeling less secure when he leaves you during his pull stage. Link to comment
Lady42 Posted March 17, 2013 Author Share Posted March 17, 2013 Thanks for your responses, I agree for the most part. Right now it's fairly casual... No dramatic pushes or pulls, just us not talking for periods of time, then him coming back but quickly pulling away, after he finds unreasonable excuses why it won't work. This has been going on for about 8 months. I know this is a pattern because his best friend told me about a couple of his past relationships.... It seems like he likes to "test" girls and make them hate him. (Complete sabotage) When we first started dating he told me he wanted a serious relationship. I guess for my own sanity I need to end it, but I have that nagging feeling that maybe this time he will realize he doesn't want to lose me. Link to comment
savignon Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 Whether or not he "wants/doesn't want to lose you", you need to decide if the push/pull, not talking for a few days at a time, etc is working for YOU. Identify the things you want to feel in your next relationship (loved/valued/respected/appreciated/ just having fun/carefree/casual/etc) and then decide if this relationship provides that. I'm not saying he is or isn't interested or that not talking for a few days is a bad thing....its all about what you're looking for. It seems like you've matured a lot from your past experiences so putting that into practice, YOU are in the power seat and get to decide if this works for you and move on if it doesn't or hang in for a bit if it kinda feels good for now or cut it off if it doesn't. Personally, I find that very liberating Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 After 8 months, and this behaviour has been a factor in his previous relationships..I wouldn't count on this getting any better. If he is that much of an emotional basket case then perhaps it is time to move on to someone who has their act together. Link to comment
Lady42 Posted March 18, 2013 Author Share Posted March 18, 2013 Savignon--youre right, and this is not working for me. crazyaboutdogs--Very true... But then I can't help think what if someone else didn't give him a chance? Then it circles back to the fact that I would have never been in a rewarding relationship if my ex gave up on me years ago... Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted March 18, 2013 Share Posted March 18, 2013 Savignon--youre right, and this is not working for me. crazyaboutdogs--Very true... But then I can't help think what if someone else didn't give him a chance? Then it circles back to the fact that I would have never been in a rewarding relationship if my ex gave up on me years ago... The bottom line is that nobody owes a misbehaving, self-centered person a chance. You may have changed but not everyone does. I guess it really depends on the person and how much they can handle being mistreated before they get fed up. Link to comment
Lady42 Posted March 18, 2013 Author Share Posted March 18, 2013 I just don't want to dig myself a hole.... Or look like a doormat. If I keep engaging him, I don't want it to look like he can do what ever he wants to me... Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted March 19, 2013 Share Posted March 19, 2013 I just don't want to dig myself a hole.... Or look like a doormat. If I keep engaging him, I don't want it to look like he can do what ever he wants to me... That is exactly what it looks like when you keep engaging him. Link to comment
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